Good day, sickos. I want to thank all of you for your calls and emails inquiring about my well-being and offering sex at various public parks. But fear not, I am just on a much-deserved, much-needed vacation. Although I am off this week, I will be writing up some stuff off and on while finally being able to focus on some DD house cleaning. I'll also have time to respond to some of you interested in writing. In the meantime, be sure to check out the forums for the latest in terrible news.

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Ramineh-BehbehanianSAN FRANCISCO, CA – Ramineh Behbehanian is facing attempted murder charges after the 50-year-old got caught sneaking bottles of orange juice mixed with lethal amounts rubbing alcohol into a Starbucks refrigerator.

A customer inside the coffee shop watched as Behbehanian removed two bottles of orange juice from her bag and place them inside a refrigerator inside the coffee shop. When the customer alerted staff what they had seen, Behbehanian fled the scene, but not before an employee snagged her license plate number as she drove away.

After checking the bottles of orange juice she had left in the refrigerator, and noticing they had a toxic smell, employees called 911. Firefighters tested the bottles of orange juice and found the bottles contained a lethal quantity of isopropyl rubbing alcohol.

Ramineh Behbehanian was arrested at her home on suspicion of attempted murder and felony poisoning. Investigators do not have a motive, but say the believe this was an isolated incident.

“We don’t know if she has done this before or if she had plans to do this again,” Sgt.…

Veronica AlfordBALTIMORE, MD – Back in March 2012 we reported on the two kids, ages 12 and 13, who accidentally shot and killed their friend, 13-year-old Monae Turnage. They were arrested after they tried to hide the girl’s body under some trash in an alley. On Monday, the younger boy’s mother, 49-year-old Veronica Alford, pleaded guilty to helping  the boys move the girl’s body.

For those of you who do not remember, Monae Turnage was inside a home playing with two the boys when someone brought out a AK-47 .22 caliber rifle. Reportedly, Alford’s 13-year-old son accidentally discharged the rifle and Monae was killed by a single gunshot wound to the chest.

The two boys panicked and dragged Monae, with the help of Alford, out of the house and into a nearby alley where they hid her body under some bags of trash. When she never arrived home, Monae’s family called police and began searching the neighborhood. Monae’s brother would eventually see her leg sticking out from some trash in the alley directly behind the house she had been visiting.…

Eduard KovynevDULUTH, GA — Eduard Petrovich Kovynev, 26, and Eduard Alexander Kovynev, 27, have been arrested on peeping Tom related charges after falling through the ceiling of a women’s restroom inside a Georgia theater.

Gwinnett County police said the incident took place Sunday night at the Venture Value Cinema in Duluth where, according to arrest warrants, the two men allegedly went up through the men’s restroom ceiling and crawled over to the women’s were they discretely spied on ladies taking a shit or changing out their bumbaclots.

However, their attempt to get an eyeful while remaining unseen was foiled when the ceiling gave and dropped the two idiots directly inside the bathroom stalls, causing over $500 in damages.

Both Eduard Kovynev and Eduard Kovynev have been charged with peeping Tom, criminal damage to property, and public drunkeness. They were booked into the county jail and released on $5000 bond.

Alexius KeysChicago, IL – Alexius Keys, 20, showed how happy she was that her ex-boyfriend had moved on after their failed relationship by turning the man’s new girlfriend into a screaming speed bump.

According to reports, the incident happened last Thursday after Keys saw her former boyfriend driving around with his new girlfriend and intentionally rear-ended their vehicle.

Once the couple got out of the car, Assistant State’s Attorney Anthony Gattuso said Keys drove in reverse across a lawn and struck the new girl. Keys ended up running the woman over and dragging her several feet under the vehicle.

The woman suffered a broken arm, back fractures, a bruised lung, rib fractures and had a layer of skin scraped from her lower back and buttocks.

Alexius Keys was arrested on an attempted murder charge, and was ordered held in lieu of $750,000 bail.

During her bail hearing, Keys collapsed, then was taken out of court while shouting, “I love y’all!” and “forgive me!” to her family.…

Vanessa MejiaPalatine, IL –  Three teenage girls have been arrested and charged in connection with the assault of a 12-year-old boy with a ketchup bottle during a home invasion and robbery.

Last Wednesday night, a teenage girl went to the door of the boy’s apartment and claimed to be a friend of his sister. When the boy told the girl his sister was not home, the girl left.

The same girl returned 10 minutes later accompanied by three other teenage girls and asked to use the bathroom. The boy let them in the apartment and after he turned his back, one of the girls hit him in the back an empty glass ketchup bottle.

According to police, two of the girls then went into the kitchen and bedrooms, stealing $50, jewelry and two cell phones before leaving the apartment. Police were called after the boy’s sister returned home to find her brother injured.

He was taken to the hospital with multiple, non-life-threatening cuts, police said. The boy’s sister was able to identify the girls as former friends.…

Michele WankoParkside, PA – Police have charged 42-year-old Michele Wanko with involuntary manslaughter after they say she accidentally shot and killed her husband during a drunken gun training exercise in the basement of the couple’s home.

Police were called to the couple’s home early Saturday morning after receiving a frantic 911 call from Michele. Inside the home, at the bottom of the basement stairs, was the dead body of Michele’s husband, 43-year-old Michael Wanko.

He was rushed to the hospital suffering from a single gunshot wound to the chest, where he was pronounced dead.

Michele told police that she and Michael had been drinking vodka and lemonade for about six hours when Michael decided to show her how to shoot some of the guns he kept locked in a safe in the basement in case someone ever broke in while he was away.

So while the couple’s two children, ages 5 and 2, slept upstairs, Michael began showing Michele how to properly handle the guns.

“He took several of the weapons out, handguns and was demonstrating to her how the weapon worked as far as taking the magazine out, making sure it was safe, and how to pull the slide back,” said Parkside Police Chief John Egan.…

Nina KoistinenPhoenix, AZ – Police say 36-year-old Nina Koistinen, a mother of nine, admitted she murdered her six day old daughter because she had too many kids.

After her daughter’s death on April 8, Koistinen  initially said that she’d taken some medication and had  fallen asleep on the girl while feeding her.  It wasn’t until an autopsy was performed and revealed possible signs of suffocation, that police decided to dig deeper.

They found that Koistinen had made past statements about wanting to smother some of her children and, after a car accident that seemed intentional, stated she wanted her children to go to Heaven.

After interviewing Koistinen a second time, she admitted she’d smothered the child by pinching her nose and covering her mouth. She said she murdered her daughter because she already had too many children and was jealous of the attention the infant was getting from her husband.

She was subsequently arrested on suspicion of first-degree murder. During her initial court appearance, Koistinen’s husband told the judge that his wife has suffers from bipolar, schizophrenia and depression.…

Jessica HeeringaNORTON SHORES, MI – Police are asking for the public’s help in finding 25-year-old Jessica Heeringa, an Exxon Mobil gas station attendant believed to have been abducted from her job.

Heeringa made her last sale at 11 p.m. Friday night, but 15 minutes later a concerned customer called police to report there were no employee at the open gas station.

According to Heeringa’s mother, her daughter’s purse and keys were found in the store and their was evidence she had been preparing to close up the store.

“She was going to get out in 15 minutes,” Shelly Heeringa, Jessica’s mother, told ABC News. “In 15 minutes that store would’ve been closed and she would’ve been on her way home.”

Norton Shores Police Chief Daniel Shaw said it does not appear robbery was the motive, as the store’s cash drawer was left untouched.

There are no surveillance cameras at the gas station, which I bet won’t be the case for much longer, so police are asking for the public’s help.

Norton Shores Police Department have received one tip that has investigators searching for a silver minivan, possibly a Chrysler Town & Country, that was last seen in the area prior to Heeringa’s disappearance.…

Leila FowlerVALLEY SPRINGS, CA – Calaveras County sheriff’s deputies are searching for the man who broke into a home and repeatedly stabbed 8-year-old Leila Fowler to death.

Leila Fowler’s 12-year-old brother told police that around noon on Saturday he encountered a white or Hispanic male inside his home. When the man fled, the boy went to check on Leila and found that she had been stabbed multiple times.

He called 911, but Leila was later pronounced dead at hospital. “She was suffering from some severe injuries,” said Cpt. Jim Macedo.

A neighbor told police they saw the same man running from the home, leading police to setup a search perimeter in an effort to catch the suspect described as being 6 feet tall and muscular, with long white or gray hair, and wearing a black long-sleeved shirt and blue pants.

Residents were told the man is considered armed and dangerous and were informed by police to lock their doors as deputies searched the area. “We were doing a house-to-house search and in some cases were searching attics and storages.…

psychoRedford Township, MI - Police have arrested 64-year-old Dennis McCauley after it was discovered that he had been living with the corpse of 72-year-old Ann Marquis since November.

Dennis McCauley had been living with Mrs. Marquis in her mobile home at Long’s Mobile Home Court just outside of Detroit for about three years.  When her rent hadn’t been paid for 6 months, the manager came to her home to evict her.  When he knocked on the door, Dennis McCauley answered, and was apparently pretty nonchalant considering there was a rotting corpse laid out on the pull out sofa within easy view of the front door.

McCauley let an officer into the trailer and “the officer noted a pungent smell of decay and observed a corpse in the room immediately to the right of the front door,” states Redford Township Sgt. Kevin Crittenden.  “The corpse had obviously been deceased for some time and was partially dried out.”  I can’t help but imagine a comically short conversation between the officer and McCauley.  Is that a dead body on the couch? …

Eugene MarshallINDIANAPOLIS, IN –  A 31 year-old Indianapolis man is facing a mandatory minimum sentence of 10 years after freely admitting to police during a polygraph test that he was scopin’ some illegal porn.

The polygraph test, part of Eugene Marshall’s probation from previous perpetrations involving pedo-porn, took place on April 21. Marshall had spent a woefully inadequate 128 days in the can for his first convictions in 2011, and was subsequently place on probation for 915 days. If I ever decide to become a criminal, I’ll be moving to Indiana.

Marshall got an A+ on the test, passing without telling a single lie. Unfortunately for him, most of his answers were admissions of probation violations, including accessing the internet, viewing child pornography and being alone with children at a recent birthday party for a relative, though it was noted that no physical contact is believed to have occurred. Marshall also admitted to owning three small (or ‘fun size’) love dolls, which makes me just a little Knauseous.

Instead of a gold star, Marshall got a visit from police at his home, where he surrendered a Playstation console, a laptop and several storage devices.…

Pulpit of Doom Podcast 4-26-2013

April 27, 2013 at 12:24 pm by  

KrakenHere, Now – First off, thanks to everyone who took 90 minutes out of their Friday night to participate in last night’s Pulpit of Doom podcast. Because of slackness mis-communication, I found myself conducting the podcast very alone and very drunk on Kraken black spiced rum.

While I loath podcasting solo, I put on my big boy pants and decided to soldier on – while drinking 3x faster than normal. I think it came out ok, but I’ll let you be the judge of that. Aside from me going on some drunken rants concerning  Christianity in 2013, and people who kill someone while driving under the influence, I slurred through the top 10 stories circulating on the site for the week.

These stories included pissing in coffee pots, losing two kids because of Bible verses, killing someone while driving under the influence, giving the dog a bone, the dangers of snorting chemicals ordered off the Internet, the dangers of dating a sociopath, kids spiking babies into a cribs, and starving kids to the point they eat their own shit.…

David SmithOklahoma City, OK – David Smith has been accused of setting his father on fire because he was angry that his father asked him to turn down his music.

Police responding to a house on Monday found a 60-year-old man being treated by paramedics for burn injuries on his face and legs. The man told police he and his son, 38-year-old David Smith, got into an argument when he asked his son to turn down his music on a stereo. David, ever the loser, responded by turning up the volume and throwing his stereo remote at his father.

He then went to the kitchen to retrieve a gas can, poured gasoline on his father, then threw a cigarette lighter on him, causing him to catch on fire. A woman, possibly the victim’s wife, was in the house when the incident occurred and backed up the man’s story.

“All I saw was fire somebody walking in fire and it was my husband,” said the victim’s wife, Tammy Smith. “He couldn’t get the cloths off fast enough.”

The victim was taken to the hospital suffering from serious burns to his his hand, arms, stomach, back of his legs and his ankles.…

Tyler HadleyPort St. Lucie, FL — Tyler Hadley, the teen accused of beating his parents to death with a hammer then threw a party, has filed a notice declaring he will rely on an insanity plea in his upcoming trial.

For those of you who do not remember this psycho and what he did to his parents, let me refresh your memory. According to Hadley’s best friend, Michael Mandell, the teen had repeatedly talked about killing his parents, 47-year-old Mary Jo Hadley and 54-year-old Blake Hadley, but no one took him seriously until July 16, 2011.

That’s when Hadley sent out Facebook invitations to a party he was throwing at his house. “Party at my crib tonight … maybe,” he posted on Facebook at 1:15 p.m. July 16, about four hours before the homicides. He updated at 8:15 p.m.: “Party at my house, hmu (“hit me up” or “contact me”).”

During this party, Hadley told his best friend that he’d killed his parents earlier that day. Not believing him, Hadley took Mandell to his parents bedroom where Mandell could see the legs of Hadley’s father sticking out from underneath a pile of household items.…

Ralph Bubba HillisBURKE COUNTY, Ga – One suspect is under arrest And authorities are hunting for a second after grave robberies that happened in Burke County last week.

Investigators say Ralph “Bubba” Hillis (you can’t make this shit up) was arrested Monday evening in Richmond County. His alleged accomplice, Jerry Atkinson, also of Waynesboro, is still wanted. Both men are charged with malicious removal of the dead from a grave.

The Old Church Cemetery’s caretakers said the scene was “heart-breaking,” after they discovered a toddler’s bones spilled from a casket and the uniform buried with a soldier in another plot strewn on the ground. In all, five graves were desecrated, according to police reports.

Burke County sheriff’s Sgt. Sean Cochran said that relic hunting is a possible motive. Or, Hillis and Atkinson could have just been trying to attract the attention of Buckwild producers for their own series.

A reward of more than $2,000 is being offered for information on the desecration at the Old Church Cemetery, or information on the whereabouts of Jerry Atkinson.…

Luis SolteroTempe, AZ – Luis Soltero has been charged with murder after walking into an Arizona police department and admitting he had murdered his girlfriend, 19-year-old ASU student Rebecca ‘Becky’ Kasper.

On Tuesday morning, 22-year-old Luis Soltero walked into a Tempe Police Department substation, handed an officer his ID card and Kasper’s driver’s license, then said: “My girlfriend is there and she is dead, and I am not going to tell you anything more without an attorney,”‘ according to the court papers.

He then stated he felt dizzy after spending 12 hours in his running car inside a storage space. While he was taken to the hospital, police went to the home he shared with Kasper to verify his claims. After forcing open the door, they found Kasper dead in a blood-splattered bathroom.

According to court documents, the 19-year-old’s decaying body was in a bathtub covered with blankets and a yoga mat, with coffee grounds and baking soda sprinkled on top. Her ankles and hands were bound, and her head was covered with a plastic bag.…

Toddler Mauled To Death By Family Pit Bull

April 25, 2013 at 8:56 am by  

pit bull puppyFulton County, GA – I had hoped there wouldn’t be any pit bull stories circulating this week, as I am tired of talking about them on our podcast, but a 2-year-old in Georgia was mauled to death by his family’s pit bull.

The attack happened shortly before 1 p.m. Wednesday inside the boy’s home, when his mother went inside the bathroom. That’s when the family’s pit bull, owned by the mother for about eight years, decided to kill the toddler for reasons unknown.

“She advised it happened fast,” Parker said. “It was an obvious death once the mother came out of the restroom.”

A neighbor reported he heard the child’s mother after she ran outside of the home and rolled around on the ground screaming, “‘The dog killed the baby! The dog killed the baby!”

The dog remained inside the home for a couple of hours after the attack, possibly inside a bathroom. Animal control employees eventually removed the dog from the home and transported it to a shelter where it will be observed for several days.…

Amanda CantwellCHARLESTON, SC – Police have arrested 27-year-old Amanda Cantwell, accusing her of attacking her boyfriend after he refused to have sex with her.

Officers responding to a domestic disturbance call detained Cantwell after observing her running from an apartment.

Inside the apartment they found Cantwell’s 33-year-old boyfriend who told them Cantwell attacked him after he refused to have sex with her.

She allegedly slapped him on the head, jumped on his back and put her fingers in his mouth, clawing the inside of his cheeks. He said that after he managed to get Cantwell off of his back, he called police.

Cantwell had a different story. She told police that they had been drinking all day and got into a verbal dispute. Cantwell said that’s when her boyfriend attacked her. She scratched the inside of is mouth in self-defense when he began choking her.

After noting she had no visible injuries, and her boyfriend had visible scratches inside his mouth, police arrested Amanda Cantwell and charged her with criminal domestic violence.…