Jaren Kuester Charged With Beating Three Elderly People To Death With Fireplace Poker
May 9, 2013 at 3:39 pm by Morbid
DARLINGTON, WI – Jaren Kuester, a 31-year-old man with a history of mental problems, has been arrested and charged with beating three elderly people to death with a fireplace poker.
According to reports, Kuester was arrested after threatening staff members at a Waukesha County animal shelter. Staff there said Kuester demanded that the dead dog he’d dropped off a few weeks earlier be returned to him alive. He told them they would pay with their lives when they did not oblige.
After making bail, he got in his vehicle and started driving, feeling as if his life was “crashing and burning” around him. After driving three counties away, he felt as if he was being followed, so he abandoned his vehicle, stripped off his clothes, and ran into the woods.
He ended up getting cold and broke into the farmhouse of Gary Thoreson, 70, and Chloe Thoreson, 66, who were not at home. After getting clothes, food, and searching for valuables, Kuester went to sleep on a bedroom floor. Sometime after, 70-year-old Dean Thoreson, Gary’s brother, arrived and entered the home.…
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St. Augustine, FL – A 23-year-old man is facing charges after police say he entered a couple’s home, masturbated, played with their toy helicopter and then ate a salad he had brought along with him.
Jason Vickery apparently passed by the home sometime last Wednesday evening and noticed one of the doors was unlocked. Instead of entering the home immediately, Vickery reportedly went to his own home and grabbed a bag containing a wig, a pouch of chewing tobacco, a green towel and a salad.
Vickery then returned to the unoccupied home, police say, and entered through the unlocked door.
Vickery reportedly told police that upon entering the home, he headed to an upstairs bathroom to masturbate. Cause, you know, priorities and stuff.
Once his worm was burped, Vickery wandered into the kitchen. (No word on whether he had washed his hands first). On the kitchen counter he found a remote control helicopter, minus the batteries.
“After searching for and finding batteries for the toy, he played with it, flying it for a short time, thus depriving the owner of the item,” police said.…
Continue ReadingHomeless Woman Craps In Man’s Yard, Takes Bath In His Pool
April 2, 2013 at 6:53 pm by Agony In Black
PALM BAY, FL – Police say a homeless woman was arrested and has been charged with burglary and criminal mischief after she was found in a Palm Bay homeowner’s pool, using it to take a bath.
According to a police report, officers were called to a home on the 1300 block of Knecht Road after the homeowner said he saw a strange woman enter his back yard. The man said he used his surveillance system to see what the woman was doing when she walked behind his house and promptly dropped a deuce on his lawn.
The sea-nymph, later identified as 35-year-old Cheryl Beauchamp, wasn’t finished. Unable to enter the pool area, she used a rock to cut the screen to gain access, stripped naked, and sans Calgon, hopped in for a little rub-a-dub-dub. No word in the report whether or not she wiped, first.
When police confronted Beauchamp, she told them she wanted to take a bath, and broke the screen because the door was locked. She also told them that she was on her way to Washington, D.C., where she was headed so she could yell at President Obama.…
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Deltona, Florida – Kelli Custis 27, is accused of breaking into her ex fiancé’s house and beating his new girlfriend as she laid in bed this past week.
It is alleged that Miss Custis broke into her ex fiancé’s place and proceeded to his bedroom. The man and his new girl were in bed when Custic flicked the lights on and attacked the new girlfriend by scratching her. Police say Custis scratched the new girlfriend’s arms, face and pulled out a few clumps of hair. Not so pretty now, is she!?
Meanwhile, the ex grabbed the phone and called 911:
Dispatcher: You said there are two girls in your bed doing what?
Caller: I have my ex-fiancee in my bed. And I’ve got another girl in my house.
Dispatcher: The girls are fighting in your bed?
Caller: Yes, right now.
Caller: Can I get a [expletive] cop, hurry?
Dispatcher: What are they fighting about?
Caller: They’re [expletive] women. I’m sorry, I apologize.
When police showed up, Custis claimed that the new girlfriend started the fight.…
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Corvallis, Oregon – The wide eyed beauty you see here is Miss Jelena Monique Taylor, 44. She likes to party Carrie style. She also apparently enjoys the recreational use of meth and getting her hair and nails did. Oh, and she enjoys getting naked.
Sadly, meth and time do not combine very well. You see, Jelena reportedl went to the salon “The Rage” extra early to make sure she got in. So early, in fact, she literally had to break in. As in the door. With a body part of hers, which made her bleed. But it seems that since meth gives those on it superpowers, Miss Jelena went all Hulk on equipment at the salon and smashed it while bleeding all over everything.
“There were broken vases, and a broken dryer. … The toilet, the shower, everything was covered in blood. It looked like a murder scene,” said salon owner Kayley Kampfer.
Oh, and she did all of this bare assed. I agree with the part where she thought: “fuck my pants” and dropped them.…
Continue ReadingBungling Burglar Calls 911 After Locking Self Inside Dollar Tree
February 1, 2013 at 12:53 pm by Jaded
North Bend, OR — According to North Bend Police, a 45-year-old woman (45? Really?) called 911 to report she was locked inside a Dollar Tree store.
The call came in just after 3:00 Tuesday morning, police say.
When officers arrived at the store located in the Pony Village Mall, they say they found Darlene Huntley, yes… 45, locked inside.
No word on how she entered the store or why she didn’t just break a damn window to get out.
After a thorough investigation, Huntley was arrested and charged with second degree burglary and second degree criminal trespass, among other charges.
Huntley was transported to the Coos County Jail. No information on the bond/bail amount.
Even worse, they brought the ban hammer down. Hard. Huntley has been banned from the Pony Village Mall for LIFE! *insert echo here*
This, of course, brings to mind another Dollar Tree story we covered.
Back in 2011, we featured Shane Chavis – a man accused of holing up in the bathroom of an Arizona Dollar Tree.…
Continue ReadingNaked Man Breaks Into Home, Masturbated On Floor And Shit Everywhere
January 23, 2013 at 7:55 am by Morbid
NORTH FORT MYERS, FL - I have no idea what kind of drugs 21-year-old Gregory Matthew Bruni was on the other day, but I want to know so I can make sure I get some.
On Monday, a Florida man went to investigate noises he heard on his roof and discovered a naked Bruni running around on top of his house. Bruni jumped from the roof, partially landing on the man, and then ran inside the man’s home.
According to the reports, Bruni grabbed a 72-inch television off a wall and smashed it on the ground before emptying the contents of a wet-dry vac. As Bruni was eating the contents of the vacuum off the floor, the homeowner’s wife retrieved a .38 revolver and fired three shots at Bruni, missing him.
Undeterred by the gunfire, Bruni fell to the ground and masturbated before running into another room and began rubbing his face into any articles of clothing he found. The homeowner retrieved a shotgun and aimed it Bruni, instructing him to lay down.…
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New City, NY – Two homes listed on the interactive map of legal gun owners published by The Journal News have been broken into in the last week.
The most recent burglary happened on Wednesday when a man returned home to find someone had broken into his home and made off with jewelry and two safes. One of those safes contained two handguns and two handgun permits. This comes less than a week after a family in White Plains, NY had their home broken into by thieves who also made off with some jewelry and tried breaking into a gun safe.
Both of these homes were listed on an interactive map that contained the names, addresses and home locations of thousands of pistol permit holders licensed in Westchester and Rockland counties, New York. This very controversial map was compiled and published by The Journal News on Dec 23.
Police say that there is no correlation between the map and the two break-ins, stating that they feel the houses were targeted at random. “The burglary is still under investigation, and there are no facts to support this correlation at this time,” Clarkstown Sgt.…
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LOGANVILLE, GA - A burglar in Georgia learned about a different kind of of Southern Hospitality after he broke into a woman’s home only to have the stay-at-home mom put five bullets into his face.
At around 1 p.m. Friday, a woman was at home with her two 9-year-old twins when there was a knock at the door. At first she thought it was a solicitor and ignored it. She became alarmed and called her husband at work when the person would not quit ringing the doorbell.
Her husband instructed her to take their children and hide inside a crawlspace that adjoined her office while he called 911. By this time, 32-year-old Paul Slater had made his way into the home after prying open the front door with a crowbar.
Slater has a lengthy criminal history with six arrests dating back to 2008. He was just released from jail in August after serving six months for simple battery and three counts of probation violation. On this day, he was breaking into someone’s home to steal the things they had worked for.…
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OKLAHOMA CITY, OK – As you can see by Jonathan Wise’s mugshot, the 19-year-old picked the wrong house to break into when he broke into the home of Norm Houston.
Houston was in his kitchen on November 24 when he went to investigate a strange noise coming from his garage. “I heard a thumping noise on my garage door,” Houston said. “I swung open my backdoor and somebody was standing there.”
That somebody was Wise, who had busted out a side window to gain access to the garage. Caught red-handed, Wise apologized to Houston and offered to fix the damages right before he punched Houston in the face.
Houston and Wise are about the size, both around 5’8″ tall and approx 280 lbs, but Houston had a slight advantage — he’s a personal trainer who specializes in kickboxing and regular boxing. “You know I ain’t the toughest but I can hold my own,” Houston said.
Houston was able to pull Wise into he driveway and hold him to the ground while a neighbor called 911. By time it was over, Wise needed stitches to sew his lip back together and was sporting eyeballs that looked like a pair of freshly f*cked assholes.…
Continue ReadingThree Teen Burglars Charged With Murder After Accomplice Accidentally Killed
November 30, 2012 at 10:42 pm by Morbid
BALDWIN COUNTY, AL – Three teenagers in Alabama have been formally indicted on murder charges after one of their accomplices was accidentally shot and killed.
Three men, William “Nick” Hearn, Lonnie Davison, and Larry Dean Duncan, Jr., were camping with their families on Gravine Island when they heard someone breaking into nearby fishing cabins in the early morning hours on April 15. The men climbed into a boat and went to investigate, encountering Scott Byrd and Dylan Tyree, both 18, burglarizing a home owned by a man the men knew. The two teens were part of a foursome out burglarizing summer cabins.
When the two teens took off running, Hearn fired a warning shot into the ground away from the teens, as did Duncan. One of these shots accidentally struck 17-year-old Summer Moody in the head as she hid behind a bush with 18-year-old Daniel Parnell. Once the men realized Summer had been shot, the men called 911, administered aid, and rushed her to a nearby landing. Summer would live for 10 days before dying from her injuries.…
Continue ReadingMan Shot Two Teen Burglars, Hid Their Bodies In Basement For A Day
November 26, 2012 at 1:24 pm by Morbid
Little Falls, MN – A 64-year-old man has been charged with second-degree murder after he encountered two teen burglars in his home, shot them both to death, then hid their bodies in his basement for a day.
Byron Smith was at home alone on Thanksgiving when Nicholas Schaeffel, 17, and his cousin Haile Kifer, 18, broke into his home through a bedroom window and made their way down to the basement where Byron was tinkering in his workshop. In response to finding the two teens in his home illegally, Byron shot them both dead. He then left them in his basement for a day before calling a neighbor for a good lawyer and asking them to call police. When police arrived at Smith’s home, he reported the burglary and confessed to shooting the teens.
In Minnesota, it’s perfectly within your right to use deadly force if someone has broken into your home and you are in fear for your life, but police say Smith went too far and that’s why he has been charged with murder.…
Continue ReadingMan Arrested After Breaking Into Zoo And Beating Monkey To Death
November 26, 2012 at 7:54 am by PaganOne
Boise, ID - Michael Watkins was arrested Monday on charges of felony burglary and grand theft after he broke into the Zoo Boise and beating a monkey to death.
Saturday morning around 4:30 am, a security guard at the zoo observed two males in dark clothing outside the fence near the primate exhibit. They fled and police were unable to find them. Just before dawn, Zoo Boise Director Steve Burns was searching the zoo and heard a groan that he first thought was human. The sounds were actually coming from a Patas monkey who had been beaten and was barely moving. The zoo’s veterinarian was called but the monkey died as a result of blunt force trauma to its head and neck.
Police discovered a hat with a distinctive skull design near the site that was thought to have been left by one of the intruders. Turned out to be a pretty good clue because it led police to 22 year old Michael Watkins. “I speak for many of us in the police department and the community who were angered and outraged over this senseless crime,” said Boise Police Chief Michael Masterson. “As usual, it was a combination of a citizen tip and good police work that led us to the arrest in this case.”
What kind of horrendous douchebag would beat to death a 30 lb monkey unable to escape its zoo enclosure? You’re probably not going to be surprised, but it turns out to be the same kind of douchebag that takes horrible douchebaggy pictures of himself and slathers them all over any and all social media.…
Continue ReadingFather Wishes Daughter Would Have Killed Two Burglars Instead Of One
October 18, 2012 at 1:55 pm by Morbid
DALLAS , TX — – According to police, a woman opened fire on a pair of burglars who had broken into her home and only one of the burglars lived to talk about it.
According to the Dallas Police Department, 47-year-old Eric Ford and 19-year-old Isaiah Phillip Williams kicked in the front door of a home owned by Charles Brown. As they charged their way upstairs, they met Brown’s 21-year-old daughter who had been sleeping in an upstairs bedroom.
Before I go on, here’s a little background. This house has been the target of burglars several times in the past. In Jan 2008, a car was stolen from the driveway, In Dec of that year, someone broke into the house and stole a CD player, diamond rings, necklaces and a digital camera.
In response to these burglaries, Brown taught his daughter how to shoot a gun and told her that it should the house alarm ever go off, be prepared. Seems as if his daughter was paying attention because when Ford and Williams met her, she was at the top of the stairs and had opened fire at them with a handgun she had armed herself with.…
Continue ReadingHomeowner Sends Naked Burglar To Hospital After Shooting Him In Chest
July 24, 2012 at 9:26 am by Morbid
MILFORD, CT – A 67-year-old homeowner sent a naked burglar to the hospital after shooting the intruder in the chest.
Gerald Mirto (pictured) told police that he heard a noise outside his (really, really nice) home and suspected someone was trying to break in. He armed himself and while investigating, he saw that a screen had been pushed in a window at the rear of his home and that 25-year-old Benjamin Prue, who was naked, was trying to get inside.
Once in the home, Prue charged Mirto, biting him on the arm and hitting him in the head. Mirto tried to fire a warning shot in the air but the gun jammed. Mirto was able to break free from Prue and ran upstairs to call 911 and to retrieve a second gun. When he came back down, Prue was still in the home and was attempting to steal a television.
Mirto says he pleaded with Prue to get out of his house but that, once again, Prue began assaulting him.…
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Phoenix, AZ — A 14-year-old boy stopped a wannabe burglar in his tracks, critically injuring the man as he brandished a gun at the teen and his three siblings Friday afternoon.
According to police, the boy and his siblings, ages 8, 10 and 12, were home alone when a strange woman rang the doorbell that afternoon. The teen later told police he didn’t answer the door because he didn’t recognize the woman.
A short time later, the teen heard someone banging on the door. He gathered his siblings and rushed them upstairs, stopping to retrieve a handgun from his parent’s bedroom.
As the boy stood at the top of the stairs, he saw a man break through the front door and aim a gun at him. Before the intruder could get a shot off the kid fired, effectively altering the intruder’s plans.
Police say the unidentified 37-year-old man was transported to the hospital in extremely critical condition. He has since been upgraded to critical condition and is expected to survive. Upon his release, he will be booked into jail on charges of aggravated assault and burglary.…
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SPARTANBURG, S.C. - A burglar was found dead inside a home on Thursday, after having fallen down a flight of stairs.
The home was empty and undergoing renovations when a painter arrived to work Thursday morning. Once inside he found broken glass and signs of a break-in.
The painter decided he would check out the vacant house by himself and see if he could find the person(s) responsible. Just kidding, this painter isn’t a moron. He immediately backed the hell out and called the homeowner, who then called 911.
Police arrived at the home shortly after and performed a sweep inside. There, at the foot of the basement stairs, they found the dead body of 52-year-old Robert Edward Powell.
Burglars often target vacant homes like this because often there are appliances, fixtures or copper to be had. This home did not have any appliances or fixtures, but it did have copper. This looks like the item Powell had been after as some of it was found in the dead man’s back pocket.…
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OREM, Utah – I’m sure most of us have heard or used almost every excuse known to man regarding missing homework, but a teen in Utah had an excuse for his missing homework that was as stupid as it was valid — police were holding it as evidence.
Early Saturday morning, police responded to a residence and met a 75-year-old man and his wife who said they woke up to sounds of someone inside their home. When the elderly man went to investigate why a light was on in his office, he encountered a teenager rifling through his desk.
Caught red-handed and cornered, the teen punched the old man in the face before fleeing the scene on foot.
“He hit me in the eye, broke my glasses,” the victim said. “Then he hit me a second one right there in the eye too.”
As police looked around the scene, they found the burglar had entered the home through an unlocked window. They also found an abandoned backpack in the man’s backyard that contained an item that helped speed up their investigation substantially.…
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Joliet, IL - A man was arrested after police say he attempted to sell at stolen laptop at the place of employment of the laptop’s owner.
Demetrius O. Nabors, 18, and an accomplice reportedly entered a Joliet liquor store, United Liquors, offering to sell a laptop computer to the employees. One of the workers recognized the laptop as being similar to one owned by a co-worker who wasn’t scheduled to work that night. That worker gave her co-worker a call.
The co-worker – who was not at home – reportedly returned to her apartment to find that it had been burglarized. She then called Joliet police to report the burglary and to inform them that she knew the location of the perpetrators.
According to reports, before police could respond, one of the men fled. Employees were able to hold Nabors until officers showed up.
The burglary victim was able to identify the laptop as hers. Police said that officers found electronics and videogames inside Nabors’ car that had been taken during the burglary.…
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Troy, NY - Police say that Thomas McMartin, 56, made their job a bit easier after he photographed himself while installing a hidden camera in a women’s locker room at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute.
On March 8, a woman reportedly noticed something strange on the ceiling of the RPI women’s swim team locker room. She contacted RPI authorities. According to court documents, Troy police detectives investigating the case found the hidden camera to contain – before a collection of photos of victims – a photograph of McMartin placing the camera in its hidden location.
“The camera took a picture of the defendant in the process of mounting the camera,” said Captain John Cooney of the Troy Police Department.
As McMartin worked at RPI in maintenance, he wasn’t hard to find. RPI said that McMartin’s duties would not have placed him in the locker room for any reason. RPI has since fired McMartin.
Police said that it was unclear how long the camera had been set up. Cooney said that police are in the process of notifying the “umpteen” women that are on the recordings.…
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