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SARASOTA, FL — Police have arrested a priest during an undercover investigation into indecent activities being reported on Caspersen Beach.

The Sarasota Sheriff’s Office says during their investigation on Tuesday, Father Bernard Chojnacki groped an undercover detective and exposed himself. The 36-year-old then stated his desire to perform a sexual act before getting his ass arrested and charged with Exposure of Sexual Organs and Battery. Which, to be honest, I thought was a chapter out of the Catholic Priest Indoctrination Manual.

Choknacki was appointed the position of Parochial Vicar of St. Charles Borromeo Parish in Port Charlotte back in 2009. The Diocese of Venice placed Chojnacki on administrative leave “until the situation comes to some sort of resolution” and released the following statement in an attempt alleviate anyone’s fears that he worked with children at the church:

The charges against Father Chojnacki are unsettling. This is a sad time for the both the Parish and the Diocese, and matters of this nature are taken very seriously. Father Chojnacki’s principal assignment was as Parochial Vicar to St.

FORT COLLINS, Colo. — Police said Nathan Engle, 24, died on Monday after he was punched in the face by 24-year-old Terance Dejuan Wilson at about 1:40 a.m. Saturday.

Engle’s uncle was with him when it happened and says there was no confrontation between his nephew and Wilson – his nephew just happened to walk between Wilson and another man. When he did, Wilson turned and delivered a sucker punch to Engle’s face causing him to fall and strike his head on the pavement.

Engle, the father of three children, would last two days before dying from blunt force head injuries. Wilson was initially charged with assault, but the charges will more than likely be upgraded now that the coroner has determined Engle’s death was a homicide.

Wilson is no stranger to police, having past convictions for harassment, false imprisonment, assault, resisting arrest and vandalism. If convicted for Engle’s death, this will be Wilson’s fourth stint in prison. He served one year for check forgery in 2007, one year for attempted escape in 2006, and two years for attempted robbery in 2003.…

Allentown, PA — The bloated-lookin’ beast to the left is 24-year-old Brandon Bishop – he’s been accused of beating the snot out of his fiancee’s 2-year-old daughter because he thought the child was a “princess” and he wanted to “toughen her up.”

According to the criminal complaint, Bishop and the fiancee, Candace Watts, moved into an apartment together on March 7 – over the next three months, Bishop repeatedly and viciously beat the child as her mother stood by and did jack shit.

Police say Bishop punched the child in the face, head, back, stomach, legs and crotch. They say he choked the child and suffocated her by covering her mouth with his meaty paws anywhere from 30 seconds to a full minute. He hit her in the head with a metal spoon and picked her up by her hair and dropped her to the concrete.

When the child was interviewed by the Lehigh County Children and Youth Services on May 20th, she was reportedly missing clumps of hair, had numerous bruises and was walking with a limp.…

Memphis, TN — Police arrested a man and charged him with aggravated assault after he allegedly used a gun to threaten the host of a child’s birthday party because his children didn’t get any cake or ice cream.

Joseph Hayes, 48, became upset and yelled at the woman because “Y’all didn’t save my kids no damn ice cream and cake.” Not content with mere words, Hayes solidified his status as a jackass by traveling back to his apartment and returning to threaten her with what appeared to be a handgun.

According to the woman’s report, Hayes came back to the party and approached the woman. He lifted up his shirt, showing what appeared to be a handgun tucked in his waistband and uttered this completely justified and reasonable statement: “I ain’t scared to go to jail, just take care of my kids.”

Of course Hayes was arrested at his apartment a short time after the woman called 911 to state she had been threatened and was in fear for her life.…

WILLIAMSTON, S.C. — I was surprised this when I found this was not out of Florida, but then not surprised to see it comes from South Carolina. A man has been arrested after biting off part of his girlfriend’s ear during an argument and losing his teeth in the process.

Police say 50-year-old Tony Ellison and his girlfriend, Yolanda Smith, were arguing over money when Ellison latched on to Smith’s ear and only let go when she started screaming like a banshee. She ran to a friend’s house missing about 20 percent of her ear.

Ellison was arrested and charged with first-degree assault and battery. While in court for his bond hearing, Capt. James Grubbs said Ellison admitted to biting off part of his girlfriend’s ear as well as losing his teeth. “(Ellison) told the judge at that time, something to the effect of, yeah, he remembered (biting Smith’s ear), but something about his teeth falling out during that particular incident,” said Grubbs.

Doctors were not able to do much with Smith’s ear, as they never found the missing piece.…

Anchorage, AK — A 7-year-old girl is in critical but stable condition with head trauma after being punched in the head repeatedly by a bicycle thief Sunday, Police say.

Anchorage Police Department spokesperson Marlene Lammers said officers were called to the to a downtown neighborhood at about 4:45 p.m. after reports that a man had punched the girl in the head several times after she refused to give him her bicycle.

Neighbors told police that Byron Svyinski, 32, was walking down the street after a punching a neighbor in a separate incident.  He encountered the young girl and reportedly tried to force her off her bike. Unsuccessful, witnesses say he then punched her in the face, knocking her to the ground where she lost consciousness.  He then punched her several more times about the face and head while she was lying on the ground. Svyinski then rifled through the girl’s pockets.  Witnesses didn’t see him take anything from her.

When police arrived, they ordered Svyinski to the ground. He did not comply and had to be restrained with handcuffs and ankle cuffs.…

Summersville, WV — A West Virginia man is facing multiple charges after a violent rampage allegedly fueled by bath salts.

Bath salts, which are neither a bath nor salt, apparently made 43 year-old Mitchell Alderman do some really dumb things Thursday. The first stop on Alderman’s crazy train was a home which he forced himself into at approximately 1:30 am. As it happens, the home belongs to Cpl. David Hopkins of the Nicholas County Sheriffs Department.

Alderman was promptly pushed right the hell out of the house and arrested. When he arrived at the Nicholas County Courthouse, he fled on foot and scuffled with the officers attempting to re-apprehend his ass. Police say that pepper spray and a Taser were used. One deputy went to the hospital with a sprained wrist.

Inside the courthouse, Alderman apparently damaged a booking room. En route to jail, he kicked out one of the windows as what I imagine could only be a  mature expression of his distaste for riding in the backseat.…

Baton Rouge, LA — Theodis Guillory, 28, was taken into custody late last week after police say he beat, shot and set fire to his neighbor.

According to police, Guillory beat the man with a board and shot him in the chest before dousing him with gasoline and lighting him up early Friday morning.

The victim, identified only as a 51-year-old man, somehow survived the attack and was able to run to a neighbor’s home to get help. He’s been hospitalized with life-threatening injuries.

The why’s and the what for’s are still unknown at this point, but if I had to speculate, I’d say it probably had something to do with the neighbor’s musical taste and/or dog shit.

Guillory has been booked on charges of attempted murder and aggravated arson.…

UNIONTOWN, PA — Ice cream truck driver Bernard Geisel, 29, is in jail after he allegedly broke into his boss’s home and attacked him with a baseball bat. The attack was captured on camera.

Pennsylvania State police say Geisel had argued with his boss, George Swaney, at his home Tuesday but had left without being paid. According to reports, after an exchange of phone calls, Geisel returned and used a baseball bat to smash through a rear door.

“All of a sudden I heard a big bang and it sounded like a gunshot. But here it was him with the ball bat. What we saw on the door is he put his foot on the door and hit the ball bat on the window,” said Swaney’s girlfriend.

The video shows that, at first, Geisel has the upper hand. Swaney eventually turns the tables and ends up keeping him pinned until police arrive.

Geisel was arraigned on charges including burglary and simple assault and is currently being held at Fayette County Prison on $25,000 bail.…

Marathon, FL — John Black, 62, was arrested last Tuesday after being accused by a American Legion Hall bartender of neglect and battery of his disabled adult daughter.

The arrest report describes the female bartender telling deputies that “most days, Black shows up [at the Legion] with his 31-year-old daughter at 9 a.m. and they stay until 11 p.m. She said the daughter wears disposable diapers and Black never brings extra or changes them. She said he sits her down in another room, and then sits at the bar and drinks.”

The bartender called police after Black yelled at and struck his daughter for eating a sandwich that he had made for himself and stepped away from. When Black returned and discovered his daughter eating the sandwich, he reportedly became enraged. According to the arrest report, Black yelled at her and slapped her in the back of her head before leaving with her.

Deputies located Black and his daughter at his home. She reportedly had abrasions all over her chin and both knees.…

Maricopa, AZ — Linda Burchfield was taken into custody early Wednesday morning after police say she slit a man’s throat during a relaxing post-coital massage.

Police say the 22-year-old woman was invited over to the victim’s residence Tuesday night to partake in the consumption of marijuana and various alcoholic beverages. When the party broke up shortly after midnight, Burchfield and the victim headed into the bedroom for some consensual nookie.

Police say Burchfield began arguing with the man soon after the lovin’ was over, demanding to know where he kept his cash. Though he stood his ground and refused to tell the woman where he stashed his cash, dude caved when Burchfield offered him a relaxing back massage.

At some point during the massage, Burchfield reportedly grabbed a nearby fillet knife and slit dude’s throat. I see I’m not the only who keeps their slitty, slashy, stabby stuff hidden in various locations throughout the bedroom…

Burchfield, still armed with the knife, then positioned her crazy ass in front of the bedroom door, preventing the man’s exit.…

BRECKSVILLE, OH — Here’s an odd one. A 21-year-old woman has been arrested and charged with spraying pepper spray into the faces of at least three children in an Ohio playground.

Police were initially responding to reports that a 4-year-old child was assaulted at the Kids Quarters playground, but when they arrived they found that three children had been sprayed with pepper spray by 21-year-old Laura Molnar.

Witnesses say they saw Molnar running away after spraying the 4-year-old in the face. One parent was there with his granddaughter when he heard the boy’s screams. “I didn’t think it was pepper spray at first, looked like acid,” he said. “It was a blister on his face, his whole face bright red, it was horrible, absolutely horrible.”

I feel for the kid. I have been sprayed with pepper spray twice. Once indirectly, but once full-on in the face. Got in both eyes and I even swallowed some. It stopped me dead in my tracks and for a few seconds I thought I was on fire.…

OSTEEN, Fla. — An 8-year-old boy may face an aggravated battery charge after he went nuts and stabbed a teacher with a pencil.

The boy was in an after-school program in the cafeteria of Osteen Elementary School when he began running around screaming like an idiot. When the teacher, 47-year-old Kelleen Long, approached the boy he grabbed a pencil and began moving towards another student.

When Long stepped in to protect the other student, the 8-year-old turned on her and attempted to stab her in the face with the pencil. Long was able to shield her face but was stabbed in the forearm, leaving lead lodged inside her. The boy then dropped to the ground.

Long did not require medical attention, but according to deputies she does want to file charges against the boy. His mother was called to the school to calm him down and explained that while he was not on any medication, her son was taking fish oil to help with his anger issues.

I’m thinking maybe it’s time she introduces the boy to handfuls of Valium…or possibly a dog crate.…

Joliet, Illinois – Police have filed charges against two people in relation to the death of an aspiring rapper at a party last September who died after taking a punch during a bet.

John ‘Fatboy’ Powell, 25, was at a party where he had performed with his rap band Krazy Killaz. While talking with some friends, he plopped over dead from a burst artery in his neck. The coroner would reveal Powell died from a brain hemorrhage caused by blunt force trauma.

Witnesses gave police different accounts as to how Powell had suffered the blunt force trauma, including that he hit his head after tripping and that he hit his head while jumping around on stage. But eventually these accounts were proven to be cover-ups to hide what had actually happened.

The truth turned out to involve a 22-year-old woman and a $5 party bet.

Prosecutors say that 27-year-old Jimmy Mounts was at the party offering people five bucks if they allowed themselves to take a punch thrown by Tiffany Startz.…

SPRINGFIELD, Mass. — Police in Massachusetts have arrested a man and charged him assault after they say he used a forklift to attack a car his girlfriend was sitting in.

According to Police Sergeant John Delaney, 41-year-old Brian Hurley and his girlfriend were inside a car outside of his workplace arguing about finances. Hurley ended up slapping his girlfriend across the face before exiting the vehicle, which he then began to kick.

Not satisfied with the bitchslap and the temper-tantrum, Hurley reportedly jumped into a forklift and used it to lift up the car his girlfriend was still sitting in. He carried it for a few feet before dropping it back on the ground and then running from the scene.

Police would find him later at his home and charge him with assault and battery with a dangerous weapon, assault and battery and malicious damage to a motor vehicle.…

Tampa, FL — India Couch, 22, is facing drug and child abuse charges after police say she smacked her 1-year-old daughter with a shoe for nommin’ on her pot stash.

Police say the child was left unsupervised for a time Sunday morning, and after finding the stash in mom’s purse, chowed down on an undisclosed amount of the drug. After Couch realized the kid had ingested the weed, she proceeded to smack the kid with a sandal, leaving three welts on the child’s arm.

When another adult in the home tried to intervene, Couch reportedly picked up a 5 lb. dumbbell and hit him in the back and chest, causing minor injuries.

She’s been booked on charges of aggravated battery with a deadly weapon and possession of cannabis, and is being held without bail in the Hillsborough County Jail.

Huh, the Couch really did do it this time……

Lorain, OH — This handsome gent here is Aaron Applegate. Aside from the extra chromosomes and the stupid hair cut, Applegate now has a few more things to add to his resume when he auditions for the part of Barney Rubble in the R-rated adaptation of The Flintstones that was just announced by the movie producers that live in my ass. These include, but are not limited to, his apparent taste for human flesh, his temper and his ability to piss anywhere.

29 year-old Nathaniel Chandler knows about these last three firsthand. Apparently Chandler was visiting a friend Tuesday evening when Applegate,  (a rough) 32, showed up drunk. Everything was fine until Applegate decided to whip out his Hogan and take a leak right in the front yard, paying no mind to the 3-year-old girl in the immediate area. This was the last straw for Chandler, who yelled at Applegate to pack it up and get lost.

Applegate didn’t take too kindly to this, and allegedly attacked Chandler. A brief scuffle ensued.…

Estella Warren Charged With DUI And Assault

May 26, 2011 at 1:35 pm by  

Los Angeles, CA — Estella Warren, a “celebrity” whose pictures I may have very well masturbated to 10 years ago, has gotten herself into a bit of trouble after getting arrested for DUI and assault.

The 32-year-old 40-year-old actress was arrested Monday after she crashed her Toyota Prius (ha!) into three vehicles while allegedly driving drunk. An owner of one of the cars hit told RadarOnline:

“I believe she hit at least two other cars before she stopped. When I approached her she was obviously drunk and acting crazy. A few more residents approached her, but she started yelling and accused us of stealing things from her. When I told her she had to wait for the police to arrive she lashed out at me and started to ‘girl-slap’ me on my chest and arms.”

Does anything scream L.A. more than a drunk, C-grade actress girl-slapping the person whose car she just hit with their friggin’ Prius? Jesus.

But it gets better. When police arrived on the scene, they arrested Warren on suspicion of DUI after she failed a field sobriety test.…