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Hutchinson, KS — Police say an intoxicated 25-year-old Kevin Funderburk sweet-talked his way into the home of a 71-year-old woman over the weekend under the guise that he was homeless and had nowhere else to go. He told the woman he was drunk and didn’t want any trouble with police. Once the woman opened her home to him, he reportedly attacked – holding the woman down and trying to rape her. The woman wasn’t about to let dude have his way with her. The spunky grandma managed to get her hands on a frying pan and proceeded to beat the snot out of the rapey shitstain. “She was fighting for her life,” said detective Sgt. John Moore. “She beat him down with a frying pan.” Officials say the woman was injured at some point during the struggle, but the extent of said injuries hasn’t been reported. In spite of her injuries, grandma knocked him the fuck out! When police responded to the woman’s home early Saturday morning, they found Funderburk unconscious in a puddle of his own vomit.…

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DAYTON, Ohio – A police car’s dash cam caught an officer being attacked by the person he pulled over, as well a Good Samaritan who jumped into the fray to give him a hand. Last Saturday night, Dayton Police Officer Jonathan Seiter stopped a car because of a missing headlight. When the driver, Otto Coleman, was asked to step out of his vehicle he became physically combative and turned out to be quite scrappy for a 64-year-old. During the fight, Coleman can be seen reaching for Officer Seiter’s gun and Taser on his belt and occasionally getting the upper-hand on Seiter. The officer calls for backup and receives it in the form of a woman, who police have not identified, who ran up and started hitting Coleman in the head, allowing Seiter to place some pretty solid shots to Coleman’s face. A fellow police officer arrives and Coleman is finally taken to the ground. Turns out Coleman has quite the criminal history including charges of felonious assault with intent to murder, felonious assault with intent to maim, three counts of felonious assault, two which were against a police officer.…

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VIDEO: Shovel Assault

December 14, 2010 at 1:46 pm by  

I really have no information on this video aside from the fact that I watched it at least ten times now. It’s like a cross between an assault, WWE, and a Tom & Jerry cartoon.

How about that awkward silence at the end?…

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Germany – I rarely have time to post foreign crimes as I like to focus on the ones in the US first — and God knows there is no shortage — but there was no way I could let this one pass by. A German father has been arrested and charged with castrating the man dating his teenage daughter. Helmut Seifert, 47, was not real happy when he found out that his 17-year-old daughter was dating 57-year-old Phillip Genscher. So he went to Genscher’s home and with the help of two of his co-workers, forced Genscher to take off his pants and then removed his manjigglies with the aid of a bread knife. “Genscher was fully conscious,” the London’s Telegraph reports. “The severed testicles were taken away by the perpetrator.” Before Genscher bled to death, he was able to make it to a phone and call for help. He will survive, although permanently left the equivalent of a married man. Seifert is to go on trial for attempted murder next year and has not revealed the identity of the men who helped him.…

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Port Saint Lucie, FL — We’ve all been there before; shopping somewhere in the vicinity of a child with a noisy toy whose caretaker have obviously grown immune to the grating sounds it emits, evident by them letting the kid continually use it. God knows it has taken all I have not to grab the offending noisemaker and shove it down the throat of the person ultimately responsible. But I don’t. Not because of any real moral restraint but rather not wanting to end up in the papers or on my own site like 33-year-old Jeanette Ramirez. She was charged with misdemeanor battery after an altercation with a  fellow Walmart shopper who was babysitting a 2-year-old. The toddler was playing with a Spiderman handlebar bike horn and it was aggravating Ramirez to the point that she said something to the 47-year-old victim. “Words were exchanged between both women, at which time Jeanette Ramirez physically attacked (the victim),” the affidavit states. After the assault, the victim followed Ramirez out into the parking lot and used her shopping cart to keep her there until police arrived and arrested her.…

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FRESNO, CA – I learned from John Bender that all you need to be a high school wrestler was a lobotomy and some tights, but I didn’t realize just how far into the realm of homosexuality a wrestler must be willing to travel. Seems there is a legal move in wrestling called the “butt drag.” This move consists of one wrestler putting his hands in the crack of another wrestler’s ass to position him. It is often taken a step further with a wrestler sometimes checking what his opponent had for dinner by shoving his fingers up his asshole. One teen, 17-year-old Preston Hill, used the butt drag on a 15-year-old during wrestling practice and is in now in court this week answering to sexual battery charges. The victim’s father says his son was penetrated for 30 seconds by Hill, causing some minor damage. “This kid basically targeted my son, pinned him to the ground and assaulted him,” he said. The 15-year-old also claims Hill made a threatening gesture at him before the match, a claim Hill denies.…

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Roseville, CA — David Almas, 21, is recovering from second-degree burns to his face, ear and neck after being assaulted Friday evening with a small serving of hot creamed spinach. Police believe Almas, a Boston Market employee, was the victim of a prank known as “fire in the hole.” It goes a little something like this: You take 3 or 4 bored assholes and place ‘em in a vehicle. Said assholes order some sort of food or beverage from a fast-food joint. When served their order, assholes film themselves throwing food or drinks into the face of whatever poor sap drew the short straw and had to work drive-thru that day. After that, it’s all about the 15 minutes of YouTube fame, baby! Almas was working the drive-thru on Friday at about 9:00 p.m., when a group of teens placed an order for a small serving of creamed spinach. Once handed through the window, the spinach, heated to an estimated 180 degrees, was promptly thrown back in Almas’ face, causing serious burns.…

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Lyons, NY — The constipated looking douchebag you see to the left is 30-year-old Aaron Iacono – his ugly mug is staring back at you today because police say he injured his 10-month-old daughter by holding her head and face under a running bathtub faucet on at least two separate occasions. Police allege that on November 30, Iacono held the baby girl’s head and face under a stream of cold water in the bathtub for approximately five minutes, causing her stomach to fill with water. He repeated the act in the bathroom sink three times, hitting her head on the faucet in the process. He then reportedly threw the child to the ground. When his wife tried to intervene, Iacono is said to have choked the woman for a bit before demanding oral sex. In another incident, he is accused of slamming the baby’s head against a shower head – he told police he was trying to teach the kid to stop crying. The little girl was treated for multiple contusions and a leg fracture and released from the hospital.…

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Long Branch, NJ — Police allege that on at least three separate occasions in November, 35-year-old Jennifer Pizzuto posed as a prostitute and lured unsuspecting (shitfaced?) men into a secluded area with the promise of a good time. Instead of a good time, though, the men reportedly received a beating from Jennifer and her boyfriend, 44-year-old Antonio Davis, before being robbed. Yes, once Jennifer had ‘em hooked, Antonio would sneak up behind ‘em and attack. One unlucky sap was beaten so viciously he sustained permanent damage to his right eye. Jennifer was picked up on a warrant Saturday morning and her beau was arrested in the lobby of police headquarters later that day. Both have been charged with three counts of robbery and three counts of aggravated assault. Police also believe the pair was responsible for prying open a change machine on November 11, so additional charges of theft and criminal mischief were thrown on. Jennifer’s bail has been set at $50,000, and Antonio’s, $60,000. Neither have the option of posting 10 percent.…

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ANTIOCH, Calif. — A man suspected of dragging a woman to death in a California parking lot admitted to intentionally hitting the homeless woman with his truck after an argument. Surveillance video from a nearby gas station shows 51-year-old Lucio Rivera Avila and 47-year-old Shelly Baker sitting in a truck in a produce store parking lot early Tuesday morning. The two get out of the vehicle and get into a heated argument witnesses described as brief but passionate. Avila is seen re-entering the truck as Baker bends down to pick up her belongings. Avila is then shown backing up, and speeding forward into Baker. Video footage shows Baker fly through the air before Avila continues moving forward, dragging her as far as 70 feet down the street. A nearby policeman arrived on the scene to find Baker suffering from “extremely significant injuries.” She would die later in the hospital. Avila would be taken into custody later that day after his truck is spotted in a Rite Aid parking lot and admitted to hitting the woman.…

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New Sewickley, PA — Old News: Blaming God or the Devil for violent and/or irrational behavior. New News: Blaming the Pepsi machine at Costco for violent and/or irrational behavior. Daniel Huffman called police yesterday afternoon and told a dispatcher that his 33-year-old son, David Huffman, was “flipping out” and had attacked his mother, 68-year-old Ethel. When police arrived at the Huffman’s home, they found Ethel in a bedroom suffering from a broken wrist. She told officers she was arguing with her son and he had thrown her to the ground. Officer Gregory Carney then had a little chat with David. According to Carney, David claimed that “the Pepsi machine at Costco made him hurt his mother.” I’ll let that sink in for a second or two. Without elaborating on the exact role the machine played in the assault, David went on to state that he was mad at his mother because she “smokes drugs.” Ethel was transported to the hospital for treatment and David was transported to the Beaver County Jail.…

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Tracy, CA — About two years ago, I posted a rather long-winded and heartbreaking story about a boy known only as Kyle – a 16-year-old boy who made headlines after escaping from a couple of monsters who kept him chained to their fireplace for more than a year. Long story short, Kyle appeared at the In-Shape City Sports Club on December 1, 2008, and asked club employees to hide him. He was emaciated, dirty, bruised and terrified. He had a 3-foot long chain clamped to his ankle. He kept repeating, “Hide me! They’re coming to get me! They’re coming to get me! Don’t let them get me!” Investigators learned the boy had been imprisoned and tortured by Kelly Lau, Michael Schumacher and neighbor, Anthony Waiters. Also charged, Kyle’s aunt, Caren Ramirez. Lau, Schumacher and Ramirez have all had their day in court and will more than likely spend at least 30 years behind bars after sentencing on December 6. Waiters was recently found guilty of multiple torture and abuse charges and is set to be sentenced on January 18.…

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Los Angeles, CA — Jose Hernandez, 27, and Vanessa Del Pilar Martinez, 20, were arrested Monday afternoon after allegedly attacking a 59-year-old school crossing guard in the presence of a group of children. Police say the female crossing guard was helping about 20 children across the street when Hernandez attempted to turn his SUV into the intersection. The victim raised her stop sign and told the occupants of the vehicle, You have to stop, the children come first. Hernandez began yelling at the guard while an enraged Martinez reportedly exited the SUV, approached the crossing guard, and started beating the snot out of her as the children looked on. According to police, Hernandez then got out of the vehicle and yanked the crossing guard’s stop sign from her hand while Martinez snatched a lanyard holding a whistle from the victim’s neck before fleeing the scene. Several adult witnesses provided police with a license plate number leading them directly to Hernandez and Martinez. Investigators say the guard’s stop sign was found inside the suspects residence and both are now being held on $50,000 bail.…

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DELRAY BEACH, Fla. — A man and his 12-year-old son have been arrested and charged with beating an 84-year-old man in a Target parking lot. According to an arrest report, Lawrence Blank was loading items into his car outside of a Target on November 21st when a silver Corvette almost hit him while backing out of a parking space. When Blank and the driver, Barry Hochstadt, got into an argument, Hochstadt’s son got out of the car and attacked Blank. According to the report, the boy threw Blank to the ground and began punching him in the face. Hochstadt allegedly got out and kicked Blank in the groin before he and his son, Aaron, left the scene. Police arrived and found Blank suffering from injuries to his shoulder, arm and hand but he refused medical treatment. Police were able to use surveillance footage and credit card information to track down Hochstadt and charge him and the boy with battery on an elderly person and criminal mischief. Hochstadt was also charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor.…

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Grants Pass, OR — Abraham Fager, 31, is being held at the Josephine County Jail on $50,000 bail after allegedly assaulting his two young nephews with the rotating brushes of a vacuum cleaner. Police say Fager, who lives in the home with the boys’ family, was caring for the children Wednesday night while their parents were out of the home. At some point in the evening, Fager reportedly decided to vacuum the children, ages 2 and 18-months, and both children were left with friction burns to their back, shoulders and rear ends. When mom arrived home, she noticed the burns and had the kiddos seen at the hospital before calling police. One of the children was treated for first- and second-degree burns and was released – the other child did not need treatment because his injuries were not as severe. Fager was arrested and charged with two counts of second-degree assault. Someone claiming to be the boys’ father is commenting over at the source link. The person states that he and his wife had no reason not to trust Fager with the children – the kids loved him and there were no signs of abuse prior to this incident.…

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Man Accused Of Pouring Bleach Down Woman’s Throat

November 26, 2010 at 5:11 am by  

Spartanburg, SC – The douche you see to your left is 30-year-old William Lee Hollis Jr., a real charming fella. After receiving a report of a possible domestic assault on Monday, police arrived on scene and found the female victim being treated by paramedics – she was vomiting and visibly upset. According to her, Hollis, the father of her two young children, began hitting her about the head and face as the two argued. He apparently didn’t achieve the satisfaction he was looking for with those pussy moves, so he reportedly took it a step further by holding her down and pouring bleach down her throat. Deputies found large amounts of bleach throughout the home and on the couple’s children, ages 8-months and 2-years-old. Both had spots of bleach on their clothing and skin. The battered woman refused medical attention for herself and children. Hollis was booked into jail on charges of aggravated criminal domestic violence and released the next day on a $2,500 bond.…

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Jeffrey LeBlanc Thought A Little Heroin Would Help Sick Toddler Feel BetterEast Brookfield, MA – On October 21, a 3-year-old child was transported by ambulance to the UMass Memorial Medical Center in Worcester after she started “nodding off.’’ Police were notified after hospital staff found a needle mark on the child’s arm and heroin in her system. At that point, the little girl was placed in state custody and authorities began hunting for her mother’s boyfriend, 30-year-old Jeffrey LeBlanc. They caught up with the douchebag last week and arrested him on a probation violation. During questioning, LeBlanc told police the child had been sick, and while under his care, he injected her with heroin because he thought it would make her “feel better.” Seriously, I would’a beat the snot out of him with a stapler about 3.5 seconds after that shit spewed from his pie-hole. Police said LeBlanc told them he had no intention of killing the child and admitted that he’d been using drugs when he gave her the injection. He has since been arraigned on charges of distributing drugs to a minor, assault and battery on a child causing substantial injury, reckless endangerment of a child and being present where heroin is kept.…

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11 Year Old Boy Found Outside, Half Naked And Wet, In 20 Degree WeatherHillsboro, OR — At about 7:45 Monday evening, Lisa Smalley was driving to Target with her children when she spotted a young boy running around in his underwear – the temperature that night was hovering around 20 degrees. “He said that his dad had gone insane and, you know, ‘help me–help me,’” said Smalley. “He was really, really cold so we threw off all our jackets, and kind of wrapped him as fast we could and blasted the heat in the back of the car.” She called 911. Further investigation revealed the 11-year-old boy and his father, 49-year-old David Andrew Cecil, had argued over his report card that night. Apparently angry over his son’s grades, Cecil reportedly forced the child outside in his underwear and tossed a cup of water on him. It has been reported that the boy had been outside, half nekkid and wet, for at least 15 minutes before being rescued by Smalley. Police say the child also had some bruising to his back, possibly from a prior assault.…

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Mother Found Guilty Of Hitting Teenager In Face With Baseball BatAKRON, Ohio — A jury found an Akron mother guilty of felonious assault after being charged with smacking a teen girl in the face with a baseball bat. Back in April, two teen girls got into an argument. One of the teens went home and told her mother, 38-year-old Shondra Bufford, about the altercation. So Bufford, her two daughters and Bufford’s sister all jumped into a car and drove to the home of the other teenager. Once they arrived, they all piled out with Bufford swinging a baseball bat inquiring who wanted to fight her daughter. Once she identified the teen involved with the argument with her daughter, Bufford hit her in the face with the baseball bat. Police were called and the Bufford clan fled the scene. Police eventually made their way to Bufford’s house where they found the car and the bat used in the assault. Bufford denied any involvement but was arrested and charged with assault. Which brings us to this past Monday when she was found guilty.…

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Martin County, FL – Police were called to the home of 32-year-old Fernando Guzman Cruz last week after receiving a complaint about a domestic assault. They made contact with the complainant, his 51-year-old wife, who reported Fernando was “enraged because she ate all the French fries.” That will get you stabbed in my house. Anyway, an intoxicated Fernando reportedly yelled at her, cussed at her, and started throwing their belongings around the trailer. He then picked up a 12″ wooden bat and started swinging but missed. The woman said she attempted to leave the trailer three times, but he locked the door and threw her on their living room bed. Once she was down, Fernando allegedly popped her in the foot and calf with his little sissy bat. He has been arrested and booked on charges of false imprisonment with a weapon, domestic battery and domestic assault. A bond amount has not yet been made available. This is the 5th time in two years that Fernando has been picked up for domestic assault, and this is the 5th time his wife has refused to press charges.…

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