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Colonie, NY – A man that suffered a heart attack after a struggle with police after pulling a nutty inside a gym had PCP and steroids in his system, according to reports.

A toxicology report found the drugs inside the 235 pound, 6 foot tall body of 32 year-old Chad Brothers. The drugs are blamed for the state of ‘excited delirium‘ that led to his death. Based on my medical expertise, I’d say that it looks something like this.

Early on October 31st, Brothers was at the gym ‘lifting zing ups and putting zem down’ when he lost his goddamn mind. During the super-sized temper tantrum, Brothers apparently toppled weights, started winging dumbbells and punched another patron.

Police, attempting to subdue the man-beast, employed tasers several times with little effect. It even appears that Brothers may have tased himself during the confrontation. Whether or not that was intentional is unknown, but let’s all give him a big ‘Like a Boss!‘ and a round of applause anyway and pretend it was.…

Belleville, IL — A couple of siblings are facing domestic battery charges after police say they tag teamed their mother and delivered a beat down because the woman threw out their beer.

Police responded to the family’s home on November 22, where they made contact with pair’s 42-year-old mother. The woman, bloodied, swollen and bruised, told deputies the proverbial shit hit the fan soon after she threw out several cans of Bud Light she had found in her refrigerator. She tossed the beer, she said, because her daughter, 20-year-old Brittany Ferguson, was not of legal drinking age. This apparently angered Brittany and her brother, 18-year-old Lindell Ferguson, and the two jumped their mother and an unidentified 47-year-old male who also lived in the home.

Neither adult suffered serious injuries, and neither required hospitalization.

Brittany and Lindell fled the scene shortly after the beating, but were arrested five days later. Both remain behind bars in lieu of $10,000 bail.

Should’a kept the beer and tossed the kids……

Palm Springs, CA — A 67-year-old woman was taken into custody over the weekend after police say she tried to snip off her hubby’s willy with a pair of scissors.

Police responded to the couple’s home Saturday evening after receiving a call from the “distressed” 62-year-old man. When they arrived, they found the man suffering from lacerations to his genital area. The man reportedly told police his wife of 32 years tried to sever his penis with a pair of large scissors…scissors that police say resembled poultry shears. Ouch.

Fortunately for him, she did not succeed. The man was taken to a local hospital for treatment. The injuries were deemed non-life threatening and he was soon released.

Police say the alleged snippin’ may have been the result of a long-standing marital dispute.

Virginia Valdez has been charged with mayhem, assault with a deadly weapon and felony domestic violence. She was released Sunday on $100,000 bond.

Woman Attacked With Knife At Grocery Store

December 5, 2011 at 5:03 am by  

Des Moines, IA — A woman is recovering from minor stab wounds to the cheek and shoulder after apparently being attacked by a random crazy lady inside Linn’s Super Market over the weekend.

The victim, Glenna Hays, told police she and a couple of family members were inside the store Saturday evening, just talking amongst themselves, when they were rudely interrupted by the alleged crazy lady, 33-year-old Alyssa Wright.

According to one of Hays’ family members, Wright eyeballed the trio as they were conversing and asked, “Are you talking to me?

No word on whether Wright delivered the line with the correct inflection…

When the trio informed Wright that, no, they were not talking to her, she allegedly jumped Hays.

At some point during the beat down, Wright apparently pulled a knife and got to stabbin’. Fortunately, Hays’ relatives were able to pry the crazy lady off before any body parts were severed. Hays was able to transport herself to the hospital for treatment.

The store manager followed Wright out of the store and flagged down a passing police officer.…

Greenwich Village, NY — Back in October, Jaded posted a story about Rayon McIntosh, the 31-year-old McDonald’s cashier caught on video beating two female customers after they jumped the counter and attacked him. Yesterday, a grand jury dismissed all charges against him.

The incident happened one morning when Rachel Edwards and Denise Darbeau, both 24, tried to pay for their food with a $50 bill. The pair became irate when McIntosh told the women he needed to scan their bill for authenticity before he could give them their food. During the argument that followed, Darbeau leans over the counter and slaps McIntosh across the face.

The two women then make their way behind the counter to continue their confrontation with McIntosh, but he introduces the women to his little friend — a metal rod. McIntosh starts swinging for the fences and both women go down faster than your teen daughter on her date to the prom. By time it’s over both women are writhing on the greasy floor, one with a fractured skull, wondering what year it is.…

Washington, DC — Stop me if you’ve heard this one before….

Guy meets girl. Girl and guy meet for drinks and nookie. Girl tells guy she gave him AIDS. Guy shoots girl in head. Girl says, “Daaamn! Just kiddin’!”

According to authorities, that’s basically what happened between 49-year-old Lloyd Wilkins and his girlfriend on the evening of April 23, 2011. The two had hooked up that evening, and after a few drinks, ended up swapping spit and other bodily fluids. After the lovin’ was over, Wilkins’ girlfriend apparently said something along the lines of, “Oh, snap! You got the AIDS!”

Wilkins responded by walking into his bedroom and retrieving a 12-gauge, single-shot shotgun from his closet. He pointed it in the general direction of the woman’s head. The gun went off, striking the jokester in the brain space. No word on whether he jokingly replied, “Oh, snap! You got the dain bramage!”

Wilkins then called 911 to report that he shot someone. At the same time, the woman called a friend to take her to the hospital. …

Georgetown, SC — Chance Godwin Adams, 24, is facing multiple charges after police say he threatened his mother with a shotgun and used a charcoal grill to burn a kitten to death last Saturday.

From what Adams’ mother told police, he apparently had some sort of psychotic episode the evening before and tore up her house, cornering her with a shotgun at one point.

On Saturday, Adams reportedly entered the woman’s bedroom with a handgun in the waistband of his pants. The woman told police she feared for her life, and while Adams was distracted, presumably by something shiny, she made a run for it and called police from a neighbor’s house.

Responding deputies soon found Adams wandering down the road a short distance away from the home. He was wearing “odd-matching” clothing and a pair of ski goggles, police said. A pat down revealed a pistol holster in his waistband and shotgun parts in his sock. He was placed under arrest.

When officers returned to the home in search of weapons, they found a semi-automatic in the kitchen, but no sign of the missing pistol or the rest of the shotgun.…

Marathon, FL –Maykel Borges, 32, was jailed on assault charges late last week after allegedly swinging a hatchet at a neighbor who refused to give him beer.

Witnesses told police Borges had been walking through the Trailerama mobile-home park all day Friday asking residents for beer. He was reportedly given several beers throughout the day, but when his kind neighbors had had enough and told him to go away, Borges got pissy. He left, but soon returned with hatchet in hand.

Borges apparently began arguing with people in the park upon his return, and at one point allegedly swung the hatchet at one man, cutting him on the side with it. Borges then dropped the weapon and ran.

Borges was arrested at his trailer Friday night, charged with aggravated assault and aggravated battery and booked into jail. Bond was set at $175,000.

The victim was treated at the hospital and released.

I’d spork my neighbor for an ice cold Arrogant Bastard Ale right about now. Just kiddin’…my neighbors drink Hamm’s.…

Bethlehem, PA — A 27-year-old man is facing multiple charges after police say he tried to abduct a woman at gunpoint earlier this week.

According to police, Michael Arce approached the woman, identified as 42-year-old Sarah Brenner, as she was jogging Wednesday afternoon. Brenner told police Arce stepped in front of her and said, “I want to ask you something.” She said she got scared and tried to go around him, but Arce pulled out a gun and grabbed her arm.

Brenner reported that when she screamed for help, Arce said, “Don’t make a fuss or I will kill you.” She said he then put her in the back seat of his BMW and hit the child-safety lock as he got into the front seat.

It was right about then that Arce’s wife, Ana Arce, pulled up next to his vehicle and questioned him about the woman in the back seat. Arce reportedly told his wife that he was simply giving Brenner a ride, police said, and unlocked the back door to let Brenner out.…

Flagstaff, AZ — Dustin Banbury, 21, was arrested on suspicion of attempted murder and aggravated assault Tuesday after police say he chopped off a relative’s hand with a Samurai-type sword.

Deputies responding to a 911 call about a critically injured man arrived at the victim’s home just before 11 p.m. and found the 33-year-old victim inside the residence with a severed right hand, numerous slash wounds to his torso and a deep laceration on his forehead. A blood covered sword was found in the man’s bedroom.

Police allege Banbury and the unidentified victim were in the trailer together when the victim fell asleep. Banbury reportedly exited the trailer as the victim slept, walked to his own trailer and, for whatever reason, retrieved the sword. When he returned, sh*t got bloody.

Banbury was taken into custody at the scene and is being held without bond. The victim was flown to Flagstaff Medical Center, where he is listed in stable condition.

The motive behind the alleged attack is still unknown.

First thought when I read the headline: “Damn!…

Los Angeles, CA — Now that the turkey has settled, and because you couldn’t pay me to set foot in a retail store today, I figured I’d get a couple stories posted before slipping back into a food coma.

In what officials are calling “shopping rage,” an unidentified woman, trying to get her grubby paws on more sale items, sprayed as many as 20 other shoppers with pepper spray at the Walmart in Porter Ranch late Thursday night.

According to police Sgt. Jose Valle, store employees had brought out a crate of discounted Xbox 360s, and as the crowd waited for the unwrapping, the woman began spraying people “in order to get an advantage.”

Ten people were slightly injured by the pepper spray and 10 others suffered minor bumps and bruises in the chaos, Valle said. They were treated at the scene.

“People could have gotten trampled,” said Valle. “Good thing there were no small kids.”

The woman apparently used the spray tactic in other areas of the store as well, but no other injuries have been reported.…

Man Charged After Attacking Woman With A Chainsaw

November 23, 2011 at 10:27 am by  

Crystal River, FL — Jeffrey Clayton Bonney, 51, is facing felony charges after allegedly beating a woman and attacking her with a chainsaw over the weekend.

Deputies were called after witnesses heard screaming and yelling coming from inside the residence Saturday. When police arrived at the home, they found the woman bleeding profusely from a cut on her arm. Her nose was swollen and her right eye had been dotted. She reportedly told police she had fallen and cut herself on a lamp. When the officers asked to speak to Bonney, he hauled ass out the back door and into the woods.

In the living room, about 8 inches away from a large puddle of blood, officers found a chainsaw with what appeared to be human hair on it. I guess the “broken lamp” story didn’t fly…

Questioned again, the victim told police the gash in her arm stemmed from her attempt to protect her face when Bonney swung a chainsaw at her. She was transported to the hospital, where it took a few sutures and about 40 staples to close the wound.…

Bellingham, WA — High-fives and major kudos to the 10-year-old boy police say defended his mother from an intoxicated and violent tenant by shooting him in the face with a BB gun as many as four times.

According to the victim, 45-year-old Paul Newman, shown here in an undated mugshot from a previous arrest, arrived home drunk and angry early Tuesday morning and found his room in disarray. Believing the woman may have had something to do with the mess, Newman reportedly kicked in her bedroom door and began choking her.

The commotion woke the woman’s son, Kobe Sturgeon. He told police that when he entered his mom’s bedroom, he saw the man “holding her down.” So he grabbed a board and whacked Newman with it before running back into his bedroom. Newman, thinking the kid left the house, ran outside after him. Mom was close on his heels and locked the door behind him.

Police say Newman then attempted to get back into the home through an unlocked window. As the victim was trying to close and lock the window, Newman reached in a grabbed her arm, threatening to kill her and her son.…

Tampa, FL –– Our Facebook Page is fubar, our mobile theme is currently deactivated and people are getting script errors… it’s not a great way to start my Thanksgiving holiday.

So in an effort to keep my stress levels on an even keel, I’m just going to write some stories featuring people having worse days than myself, starting with a man who picked the wrong motorist to road rage on and got an ice pick to the head as a result.

It all happened on Monday morning when 62-year-old Alcisviades Polanco reportedly cut off 20-year-old Wathson Adelson (pictured) while driving down Manhattan Avenue.

Rightfully pissed, Adelson let his road rage get the better of him and sped around Polanco, got in front of him, and then slammed on his brakes. Adelson, standing at 6-foot-3 and weighing 260-pounds, got out of his car and walked back towards Polanco, who was a few inches shorter and a hundred pounds lighter than Adelson.

The two got into an argument that turned physical and ended when Polanco stabbed Adelson in the head with an ice pick he had retrieved from his car. …

Louisville, KY — Monique Jeffries, 39, is being held on charges of assault and intimidating a witness after police say she knocked out a couple of her daughter’s teeth during an argument over food stamps.

Police haven’t gone into details about the actual argument, but say Jeffries became “enraged” when her daughter, Debra Brown, opened her bedroom door. At that point, she allegedly used a curling iron to burn Brown’s arm several times as she reached for the phone to call police.

Jeffries is also accused of punching Brown in the face several times, knocking out two of her teeth. No word on Brown’s condition or age.

Jeffries reportedly left the apartment before police arrived, but was picked up and taken into custody a short time later.…

Jealous Teen Attacked Rival With Samurai Sword

November 21, 2011 at 12:41 pm by  

Jefferson, WI — A teen in Wisconsin is facing some serious charges after he lost his head over his 15-year-old girlfriend’s cheating, and attacked her new boyfriend with a samurai sword.

Robert Markwardt, 18, and his 15-year-old girlfriend broke up after he found out she had cheated on him with 19-year-old Jordan Lass. But Markwardt couldn’t let things go, unable to handle the thought of Lass putting his beef in his ex-jailbait’s taco.

Fueled by stupidity and jealousy, Markwardt told multiple people he was going to beat Lass’ ass with a samurai sword. He followed through with this threat after finding out Lass had spent the night with his ex and was currently at her house.

Equipped with his sword, Markwardt walked into his ex’s house uninvited then went upstairs to her room where he found his rival sleeping in her bed. Ever the pussy, Markwardt took advantage of the situation and proceeded to whack Lass with the sword multiple times. Luckily Lass woke up during the first set of blows so the majority of his injuries were to the arm he held up to block the ones that followed.…

West Lafayette, IN — Jonathan Noe, 19, is facing a couple felony charges after police say he beat his girlfriend stupid with a Shake Weight dumbbell earlier this month.

When police arrived at the girlfriend’s home on November 9, she reportedly told them Noe showed up at her place after a party and indicated how unhappy he was with her. He then proceeded to show her how unhappy he was by knocking her around, kicking her, choking her and beating her senseless with the Shake Weight.

Police say both of the woman’s eyes were swollen shut, her mouth was swollen enough to make speaking difficult, and four of her teeth were knocked loose and pushed back toward her throat. Medical documents reveal the woman suffered from a subdural hematoma to the head, a fracture of the right orbital bone, a broken nose, multiple contusions, extensive facial injuries, a concussion, loss of consciousness and blowout fracture of facial bones.

Damn…those Shake Weights are every bit as vicious as they are retarded!

An intoxicated Noe was arrested at his apartment and charged with battery, strangulation and invasion of privacy.…

Indianapolis, IN — Police say 21-year-old Christopher Russell could lose an eye after another man caught him canoodlin’ his live-in girlfriend and beat him with a baseball bat and glass candle holder.

Investigators have determined that Russell was tonguing 57-year-old Kenneth Nash’s girlfriend early Thursday morning when Nash arrived home. Upon seeing the two swappin’ spit on his couch, Nash reportedly armed himself with a baseball bat and started swinging. At some point during the beatin’, Nash may have switched to a glass candle holder. Different weapon – same message.

Police say Russell ran from the home with Nash on his heels, bat in hand. Nash apparently ran from the scene. At this point, no one has been arrested.

When police made contact with Russell, he said he didn’t want to talk about the incident, he just wanted some medical assistance. Russell reportedly has a skull fracture or two, and police say he may lose his right eye.

The cheatin’ ho girlfriend, Catherine Dunaway, was not injured in the assault.…