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HOLLYWOOD, Fla. — Is it really Monday already? Give me a bit to clear the cobwebs out ma’ brain and I’ll get some stories posted for us to comment on. I’m gonna start with a 12-year-old who has been accused of choking out a fellow student inside a classroom.

An 11-year-old and a 12-year-old were arguing in a classroom at Nova Middle School last week when the older boy wrapped his hands around the 11-year-old’s neck, lifted him out of his chair and choked him until he was unconscious.

A witness said the boy choked the victim “until he dropped.”

The victim was taken to Joe DiMaggio Children’s Hospital and released on Thursday while the 12-year old was taken to a Juvenile Detention Center and is facing battery charges. He was later released into the custody of his parents.

There was a teacher in the classroom at the time of the incident, but reportedly they were not aware anything was going on between the two boys until they turned and saw the victim on the floor.…

Long Island, NY — Here is my second story today involving a grown woman fighting with a teen girl, and the second one this week involving a woman egging on a fight between her daughter and another girl.

Daphne Melin, a 32-year-old mother of three who takes perfect pictures for news sites to use, was arrested after a video emerged of her egging on a fight between two 12-year-olds before attacking another 12-year-old who tried to stop the fight.

Reportedly, the fight was the result of Melin’s daughter being cyber-bullied on Facebook. She told reporters that after exhausting all her options in attempts to have it stopped, she took matters into her own hands and arranged a fight between her daughter and the alleged bully outside of William Floyd Elementary School.

Some reports say that one of the girls seen in the video is Melin’s daughter while others say it is a girl standing in for her daughter. Another report says that it is Melin’s daughter fighting a girl standing in for the alleged bully — echoing another story we posted this year.…

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL — I’ve got two stories this morning involving adult women fighting with teenagers, starting with one from last week involving 23-year-old Cynthia Haynes, accused of boarding a school bus and punching two students.

A little earlier, Haynes’ 11-year-old sister had walked home and told her she had gotten into a fight with another 11-year-old girl at a bus stop.

Haynes and her little sister then got into a car and began driving around looking for the school bus. Once they found it, the 11-year-old entered the bus and began fighting with the 11-year-old she had fought with at the bus stop.

Reportedly enraged, Haynes decided to intervene and boarded the bus, storming past the driver.

During her intervention, Haynes slapped the 11-year-old fighting with her sister, then drags a 14-year-old girl down the center aisle of the bus by her hair. Neither of the two victims were seriously injured but did have some scratches on their faces.

Haynes was arrested and charged with  two counts of child abuse and burglary with assault or battery, and one count of conspiracy to interfere with the education process.…

Portage, IN — Police were called by motorists on an Indiana highway who reported seeing a naked woman running along the roadway while being chased by man in a car. Court documents filed by prosecutors described callers saying that the woman was “running for her life.” With a rope trailing her that was still tied around one ankle, she was able to duck into a liquor store. The man in the car, Martin Jonassen, 55, of Elwood, Kansas, reportedly followed her inside.

The clerk in the liquor store described the woman pleading for help and holding on to a set of cooler doors while Jonassen – coming in just seconds after here – grabbed her by the waist and pulled her away. He reportedly took the woman out of the store and threw her into his car.

The police account says that a police officer in the area responded and – seeing Jonassen leaving in his vehicle – blocked Jonassen’s car between the liquor store building and her cruiser. The officer approached the car with her gun drawn, police said, and ordered Jonassen out.…

San Diego, CA — Police have arrested a man they say stabbed a younger man in the chest for refusing to have sex with him.

Two men, ages 57 and 28, were in the back of a pickup truck equipped with a camper shell Sunday night.

The older gentlemen demonstrated how frustrated he was regarding the younger man’s refusal to have sex with him by stabbing the younger man in the chest with a knife.

The victim was able to get out of the truck and was found a couple blocks away. He was taken to the hospital to treat his non-life-threatening chest wound.

Police went back to the truck and found the accused sitting inside naked and armed with a knife. After he attempted to stab a police dog, the man barricaded himself inside the truck and began touching himself in front of officers.

“He had a knife in his hand. He also apparently had a chest wound somewhere in the chest or upper abdominal area and he was threatening to hurt himself and was also demanding that officers kill him,” Lt.…

Portland, OR — Olan Ladd was arrested late last week after police say he intentionally scalded his girlfriend’s toddler daughter.

The incident reportedly occurred early Wednesday morning. Ladd, who was caring for the child at the time, initially told police he “accidentally” spilled boiling water on the child’s feet. When mom arrived home that morning, she discovered the kid’s boiled tootsies and rushed her to the emergency room. The girl, just three months shy of her second birthday, was admitted with second-degree burns to both feet.

Questioned further, Ladd reportedly accepted responsibility for the child’s injuries, telling police he “messed up.”

According to police, the girl woke up at about 3:00 that morning. She wasn’t fussy, wasn’t crying, hadn’t wet the bed…she was just up. Ladd, apparently “frustrated with life,” decided to take that frustration out on the kid. He told police he “picked her up, turned on the water faucet and held her feet under the running hot water.” Court documents say Ladd told police the child was screaming in pain, trying to get away.…

Columbus, OH — Police have arrested a a teen after he allegedly used a knife to slit the throat of another student during a school assembly.

The incident happened Thursday morning during a Freshman assembly at West High School. It is during this assembly witnesses say Marco Solis pulled a knife out of his pocket and cut the throat of 14-year-old Tyquan Green-Tucker who was sitting in front of him.

The victim was able to walk out of the assembly and towards the nurse’s office. The nurse deemed his injury as a critical one and paramedics were called, along with the Columbus police.

Tucker was rushed to rushed to Nationwide Children’s Hospital where he immediately underwent surgery. He is still there today, listed in fair condition.

Solis was caught and charged with one count of felonious assault and one count of possession of a dangerous weapon. No word on what prompted the attack, but Solis’ mother hinted that her son was being bullied.

“He said, ‘Mom, if I go there, they’re going to beat me up and they’re going to do stuff to me, so please don’t take me there.’,” she told reporters.…

St. Petersburg, Florida — Sometimes I come across a story that really doesn’t need me to do much past writing the title. This is definitely one of those stories.

An elderly man fell asleep in his electric wheelchair outside of a vacant Hooter’s when 22-year-old Josephine Smith jumped on top of him and began biting him.

I’m a vampire, I am going to eat you,” she informed the startled man as she began ripping flesh from his lips, face and arms with her teeth.

Milton Ellis, 69, told police he had met Smith at a neighboring shopping center. The pair decided to hang out together at the former Hooters while Smith waited for someone to come pick her up.

Ellis ended up falling asleep in his wheelchair, only to be awakened by Smith’s claims of being a blood-sucking creature of the night and her attempt to eat him.

In the arrest report, the officer states that Ellis had several bites to his arm that had removed the top layer of skin.…

Lubbock, TX — A man claiming to have the devil living inside of him was arrested this week after police say he attacked an officer of the law with a serrated spatula. And I gotta call bs right off the bat, everyone knows the devil prefers chopsticks.

Officer Bryan Schwartner responded to The Center at Overton Park Tuesday afternoon after receiving a report of a man acting strangely and threatening random people. Schwartner and his partner spotted 20-year-old Kabir Isola on a balcony at the complex and attempted to speak with him.

According to police, when the officers made contact with Isola, the man unexpectedly attacked. After hitting Schwartner with a large, serrated BBQ spatula, Isola reportedly tried to gouge the man’s eyes out. Police say he then began choking Schwartner, rendering him unconscious, and attempted to toss him off the 4th floor balcony. Another officer was able to detain Isola, who claimed the devil was inside him.

Schwartner was transported to the hospital with multiple contusions and lacerations and was later released.…

Man Arrested After Stabbing Child With Chopsticks

September 8, 2011 at 4:01 am by  

Springfield, MA — Vo Duc Au, 31, was arrested Tuesday after police say he attacked a 12-year-old boy with a pair of chopsticks.

According to the young victim, he was just sitting there doing his homework when Au raced down the stairs and started getting all stabby. The kid was poked on the left forearm and bicep, and was left with a 1″ laceration. Au! Bet that hurt. HARR!

When the boy’s father tried to intervene, Au reportedly attempted to stab the man in the face. Fortunately, the man was able to disarm Au before anyone lost an eye.

No idea who Au is in relation to the child and father, just know that he may be a little off. Police say he was shaking and uncooperative at the scene.

Au has been charged with two counts of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon. The child was treated at the scene.

Chopsticks, huh? I do believe my sporkin’ days are over. Lord knows I can’t eat with the damn things….…

Police: Serial Butt Slasher Identified

September 8, 2011 at 3:41 am by  

Fairfax, VA — You guys remember the serial butt slasher, don’t ya? We first learned of his twisted antics back in July, after he was accused of randomly slashing the asses of female shoppers in retail stores across Fairfax county. Well, it appears as if the sicko slasher has been identified.

According to a recent press release, Fairfax County Police have identified Johnny Guillen Pimentel, 40, as a suspect in at least one of the six assaults that occurred over the summer.

Detectives have obtained a warrant for Pimentel’s arrest in the alleged assaults, but believe he has left the area.

Police believe Pimentel may be driving a blue, 2003 Honda Civic, Virginia license plate number KLX2689. Police are asking that anyone with information on his whereabouts contact the Fairfax County Police Department at 703-691-2131 or contact Crime Solvers by phone at 1-866-411-TIPS/8477.

Charges against Pimentel will be determined at the conclusion of the investigation.

Montrose, PA –  A Pennsylvania woman resorted to shooting her 36 year-old son in the chest after he allegedly, and completely, lost his shit.

It all started just after midnight on Monday. Police responded to a domestic disturbance and removed 36 year-old Shane Hazlett from his family’s home, telling him not to return. Hazlett went to a friend’s house and, apparently unsatisfied with what had transpired so far, took to facebook with harassment and threats.

There’s very little information on what the initial spat was about, but what happened after Hazlett left the keyboard and ventured back out into the real world makes for one hell of a tale.

Hitching a ride with a friend, Hazlett returned to the house and threatened to kill his family members. Likely stemming from a desire to not be killed, they closed and locked the front door. Hazlett reportedly used a fire extinguisher to smash the front door open and unlock it.

Once inside, Hazlett pulled an Olivia Newton-John and  decided to get physical.…

Arvada, CO – Angela Martin, a Colorado mother, has been charged for allegedly handcuffing her 14-year-old daughter after an early morning fight last Sunday about Facebook.

The dispute reportedly began after the teen’s parents arrived home at about 2AM. Police reports document Martin’s claim that her daughter posted the words “vagina, vagina, vagina” as her Facebook status. When her daughter’s status displayed in her news feed – presumably, on her phone – she asked her daughter to remove the status.

Martin claims her daughter refused to delete the status or hand over her account password.  Judging on this alone, Martin’s daughter’s position in the teenager’s union appears secure.

“I tried to take her computer, we got in a scuffle. I realized that there was no way that I was going to be able to control her. I handcuffed her and I came back upstairs to call the police. And when I went downstairs she was gone, she had ran to a neighbors in her handcuffs. But no, I don’t beat my children, so hopefully that doesn’t come out that way,” Martin reportedly said.…

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Police have arrested a woman after they say she struck a girl riding her bicycle and then fled the scene.

Police say 47-year-old Andrea D. Miller hit a little girl riding her bike shortly before 1 p.m. Saturday. Witnesses say the impact was so strong, Miller’s rear driver’s side tire blew out and the girl “was thrown from the bicycle and suffered multiple injuries.”

Since this story is posted here, and you’ve already read the title, you already know that Miller did not stop and render aid to the girl she just hit. Even with witnesses yelling at her to stop, Miller fled the scene, “showing complete indifference to the value of [the] human life of [the] victim.”.

Luckily, one of the witnesses was able to give police a description of Miller, her vehicle and the vehicle’s registration number.

Police would arrest her after she’s located a few hours later and charge her with wanton endangerment, driving without an operator’s license, failure to render aid and leaving the scene of an accident.…

PALM BAY, Fla. — More Dumbass Dad news, this time out of Florida — where everything is 47% more retarded.

Not to be upstaged by the Arizona dad who refereed an unfair fight between his sons and another teen while threatening the crowd with a handgun, 35-year-old Gary Johnson has been charged with refereeing a fight between his son and another teen, then beating the teen after his son loses the fight.

Police say Johnson’s son and a 16-year-old were involved in a dispute and he had agreed to referee a fight between the two to make sure it was a fair fight. Video shows Johnson’s son eventually quitting the fight and walking away.

Johnson and the winning teen then go face-to-face with Johnson asking the boy if he wants to get knocked the f*ck out. The teen doesn’t back down and tells Johnson he would like to see that, right before Johnson punches him in the face and knocks him to the ground.


While the teen lies in the fetal position and covers his head, Johnson moves the boy’s hands and rains down a series of hammer blows to the teen’s face.…

Gilbert, AZ — Police have arrested a man after they say he refereed a fight between his two sons and another boy while using a handgun to keep the crowd from stopping the fight.

Police say Gabriel Alberto Conde, 33, went with his two sons, ages 14 and 17, to a local park so that the younger boy could fight another 14-year-old boy.

When Conde’s son began to lose the fight, he instructed the older sibling to help his brother. While the two teens held the other boy on the ground, repeatedly kicking him in the head and breaking his jaw, Conde allegedly kept the crowd at bay by threatening them with a .45 handgun.

When police arrived at Conde’s home later, he refused to come outside until after police surrounded his residence and ordered him out using a loudspeaker.

Conde was arrested on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon, threatening and intimidating, disorderly conduct with a deadly weapon and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. His two sons are facing charges of aggravated assault and disorderly conduct.…

LONGMONT, Colo. — A 15-year-old is currently spending some time in a juvenile detention facility after police say he stabbed his dad during an argument over the teen’s chores.

Police say that the teen’s father was angry over the boy not taking out the trash (yakety yak) and responded by taking away the teen’s cell phone (don’t talk back). The teen responded by retrieving an ax and using it to hack into his parent’s bedroom door.

The boy’s father was able to get him in a bear hug, but that did not prevent his son from using a knife to stab him six times in the back. The boy’s mother was eventually able to disarm him while the dad was taken to the hospital and treated for minor wounds.

The 15-year-old, who already has a criminal history, faces charges of felony menacing, first degree assault, reckless endangerment and criminal mischief.

One of my kids is the same age as this boy, but had he done what this kid did, the headline would have read something like “Man’s Shoe Removed From Son’s Ass” or “Teen Missing.”

Sorry for the lame picture.…

ROWAN COUNTY, NC — An assistant coach is facing some legal troubles after he allegedly choked a student, fought with a parent and then got his ass tased multiple times by police.

It all started on Thursday evening after football practice at Rowan County middle school. Jared Gallagher, a 40-year-old assistant football coach,  was walking to the locker room when he pulled a 12-year-old boy aside and allegedly started hitting and choking the boy.

When told to stop by Douglas Pruitt, the school’s coach, Gallagher reportedly began attacking the coach and even put the man’s arm behind his back when he attempted to call 911.

At this point, a concerned parent got involved and began fighting with Gallagher, distracting him long enough for Pruitt to call police.

When police arrived at the scene and approached Gallagher, he allegedly asked the deputies, “Are we going to do this?”

Ignoring repeated demands to put his hands behind his back, one of the officers tased him. Gallagher reportedly removed the prongs from his skin and was subsequently tased a second time in the back.…