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LAKE IN THE HILLS, Ill — A teen in Illinois was arrested after she came home drunk, bit her mother and then bit the family dog several times.

Officers were responding to a home at around 4 a.m. Sunday after neighbors called to report loud screaming and pounding. There they encountered a 37-year-old woman who had been physically assaulted by her 19-year-old daughter, Analise J. Garner.

She said the pair had gotten into an argument after Garner arrived home late and drunk. This altercation resulted in Garner punching her mother in the face and biting her hand. But she wasn’t the only one in the home to be assaulted by Garner’s mouth.

Police Garner also chewed on the family’s 80-pound English bulldog. According to police, there were several visible bite marks on the dog. As a result, the dog bit back and Garner was treated at the scene for a bite wound on her arm. Because the dog bit her, standard procedure dictated animal control be notified.

“The dog was defending himself,” police Sgt.…

Sandpoint, ID – An Idaho man is in court after allegedly demanding another man to “moonwalk” at gunpoint. The man has since testified that the AR-15 used in the incident is simply an Airsoft pellet gun.

Sheriff’s deputies were reportedly summoned to the home of John Ernest Cross, 30, on Monday after receiving a report that Cross had pointed a rifle at another man while demanding that he execute a ‘dance move.’ Shockingly, police report that drugs were involved.

The local news source reporting on the incident makes the point that, although the late singer Michael Jackson popularized the moonwalk dance move, many other entertainers have been credited for using a variation of the move including Cab Calloway, Ronnie Hawkins, David Bowie and Dick Van Dyke.

From this, it would be reasonable to conclude that Cross’ compadre could have abided a casual – albeit determined – request and simply executed the famous move.  But, noooooooooooo. …he had to get all whiny and police-y about it. Some friend!

Cross is now charged with aggravated assault and is being held in lieu of $20,000 bail.…

BALTIMORE, MD – Police have arrested a total of four suspects in connection to the videotaped beating of a tourist in downtown Baltimore during the St. Patrick’s Day weekend.

For those of you living under a rock, a video was posted online last month that showed an unidentified man getting his ass handed to him by a rowdy mob. The victim, who was clearly drunk off his ass, can be seen getting surrounded by a group of people when 20-year-old Aaron Parsons reaches in and takes something out of the victim’s pocket. When the victim walks after him, Parsons cold-cocks him.

While laying on the sidewalk wondering what the hell happened to him, a mob of people descend on him delivering a volley of punches and kicks while robbing him and stripping him of his clothing. The entire time, onlookers simply laugh and film the assault.

The video of the attack quickly went viral — mostly because of the brutality of the video and the fact that the victim is white and his attackers were black.…

Wolfeboro, NH – David Ford, 31, is being held without bail after allegedly beating his girlfriend about the head with a rock and then attempting to push her into an open campfire on Tuesday morning.  Details are a little sparse at the moment, as police were more concerned with getting the severely injured victim to the hospital than gleaning the specific events that led to the brutal attack.

Police Lieutenant Dean Rondeau, who claims he has never seen anything like this in his 16 years as a New Hampshire officer, described the attack:  “He picked up a rock and then began to assault her with the rock, beating her several times about the face and head, and then attempted to take her head and push it into an open fire pit.”

The victim attempted to avoid the flames, but Ford was apparently fairly persistent about the fact that he wanted her face in there.  She suffered first and second degree burns on her face and hands before she was able to escape and get to her father’s house. …

Macon, GA – Lulu Campbell, 57, a Sumo wrestler grandmother who owns several convenience stores in the Macon area fended off two would-be thieves at 2 AM Saturday night.  Campbell had just dropped off her 15-year-old grandson at her daughter’s house.  After he was safely inside the house, she began rummaging through her pocketbook, looking for her cell phone, when two men approached her truck and demanded she open the door and give them her money.  She responded, “Baby, you’re going to kill me anyway, so I don’t have to open it!”

That’s when Brenton Lance Spencer, 32, allegedly opened fire, just missing Campbell’s chest.  Campbell, who claims to always have one of her many licensed firearms with her, fired back with a .38 caliber revolver, striking Spencer in the abdomen.  Campbell then spotted the second suspect, Dantre Horatio Shivers, 30, who also reportedly fired at her, prompting more return shots.  Shivers fled the scene with no extra holes in his body.  Our new favorite kick-ass grandmother was not hit either.…

Austin, TX – A man is in a medically-induced coma in a hospital burn unit after his wife allegedly used a ruse of giving him a “hot oil massage” to douse him in gasoline and light him up. Police identified multiple ways that they believe she attempted to keep him from getting aid.

On Tuesday night, police responded to a disturbance call at the apartment that Shriya Biman Patel, 25, shared with her husband. Police say they found a naked man lying on the floor screaming in pain with severe burns over 70% of his body. Patel was also in the apartment when they arrived.

According to the victim, he had undressed and gotten into the bathtub under the guise of a promise by his wife to give him a hot oil massage. Investigators found candles placed around the bathroom presumably to create a romantic ambiance. The victim said, then – when he entered the tub – Patel poured what the man believed to be oil on him. He told investigators the next thing he knew, he was on fire.…

Memphis, TN – Police responding to a 911 call before dawn on Thursday encountered 19-year-old Darius Williams walking along the shoulder of Interstate 240.  Williams, an apparent disciple in search of his savior, reportedly first asked the responding officer if he happened to be Jesus.

This question earned him a spot in the back of the squad car, where he became irate enough to break out through the window.  He then allegedly jumped on top of the car, from which the officer attempted to talk him down.  That didn’t work out so well.

The officer stated that Williams then ran down the front of the car toward him.  The suspect was sprayed with a chemical agent, paced in front of the car a bit, and then was taken to the ground by the officer.  He escaped, however, then jumped into the driver’s seat of the squad car and drove off.  He headed the wrong way up the interstate a short distance before swerving into a ditch and crashing into a fence where he was apprehended by the responding officer and an off-duty cop willing to lend a hand.…

Maywood, IL – Alton Hayes III, 18, and a 15-year-old friend were arrested for attempted robbery, aggravated assault, and a hate crime on Tuesday after an attack on a 19-year-old white man.  Once apprehended by the police, Hayes reportedly told police that he was so angered by the Trayvon Martin case that he decided to beat up a white man.

Hayes and his accomplice allegedly walked up behind the victim, pinning his arms at his sides.  Hayes then picked up a stick, pointed it at the victim’s chest and said, “Empty your pockets, white boy.”  Police reports indicate that the two then rifled through the victim’s pockets and punched him in the back and head before running off.

Hayes was ordered held on $80,000 bond and remained in the Cook County Jail on Friday.  He will next appear in court May 11.  The boy was referred to juvenile court.

I can’t help but think that Hayes’s comment regarding Trayvon Martin, the one that automatically classified this relatively minor assault as a hate crime, will be the biggest regret of his young life.…

MICHIGAN CITY, Indiana — An 8-year-old boy and a 9-year-old boy have been charged with battery for beating their female bus driver after being asked to stop throwing things on the bus.

The boys were on their way home Friday, riding in a school bus taking them back home from Springfield Elementary School, when they began tossing a lanyard back and forth between the seats.

When a 73-year-old bus monitor told them to stop playing around, one of the boys began verbally assaulting her. When she admonished him, the other boy chimed in as well, swearing at her and calling her names.

The 35-year-old bus driver, Shaunda Gilbert, eventually pulled the bus over to the side of the road in an attempt to get the boys to calm down. The 8-year-old informed her he was just going to get off the bus, but Gilbert blocked his path to the door.

This prompted the young boy to push Gilbert to the floor where he began pulling out her hair and slamming her head on the floor.  …

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Police have arrested a woman after they say she repeatedly bit another woman during a fight over a parking space.

Police say 32-year-old Sara Gillian was angry when a 22-year-old woman swooped in and stole a parking place she had been waiting for. The same article also says the fight was over the 22-year-old partially blocking a driveway.

Whatever the reason, the two got into a heated argument about it, leading to the women getting into each other’s face and pushing each other.

That is, until Gillian began using her mouth for more than talk and started biting the other woman, causing serious bite marks on her arms and chest.

“She was like, ‘Aaargh, aargh,’ and she just kept biting her,” said Trevell Council, the victim’s boyfriend. “She kept biting her and my girlfriend was like, ‘Help. Help.'”

Like, whoa.

Police arrested Gillian and charged her with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.…

PALM BAY, Fl — Police have arrested a man after they say he got angry with his wife over her attending a concert, and attacked her with a box of Cheez-It snack crackers.

Police say 37-year-old Andy Gatz got into an argument with his wife on Monday after she attended an Earth Day concert. At the time of the confrontation, Gatz was under a court-ordered injunction to avoid having any contact with his wife.

During this argument, Gatz allegedly threw a box of Cheez-Its at her face, injuring her eye.

“A small square cracker apparently went into her right eye and caused her injury,” said Yvonne Martinez, spokeswoman for the Palm Bay Police Department.

Gatz had already left the home before police arrived, but turned himself in later. He told police he tossed a single Cheez-It cracker at his wife, not the entire box. He was arrested and charged with battery and violation of an injunction.

Gatz was allowed to leave jail on community supervision, but ordered to have no further contact with his wife.…

Houston, TX — Three men have been convicted of hate crimes by a Houston federal jury after they beat a random black man at a downtown bus stop last year. A fourth man,  49-year-old Joseph Staggs, saw his case dismissed in return for testifying against the others.

Charles Cannon, 26, Michael McLaughlin, 40, and Brian Kerstetter, 32 are the first people in Houston to be convicted under the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act, an act of Congress passed in 2009 that expanded existing United States federal hate crime laws.

The men beat Yondell Johnson as he stood waiting for a bus after spending the day with his daughter. One of the men asked Jackson for the time before a racial slur was used and they began beating him. After he was pulled to the ground, he was repeatedly kicked in the face and had his head stomped. When the men were arrested, McLaughlin and Cannon were heard yelling racial slurs at black officers.…

Gainesville, FL – Shenay Jackson, 19, is accused of pouring bleach into her ex-boyfriend’s lap while he was driving.

The pair were arguing in the car when Jackson first pushed him in the face before using the bleach to change the race of his penis. The bleach soaked through the unidentified man’s clothes, causing a burning sensation to his naughty bits that resulted in him pulling over to remove his clothing.

Jackson admitted to police that she got into an argument with her ex, but only picked up the bottle and shook it, causing some of it to splash on him. She never intended to get any on him.

However, the police report states there were puddles of bleach inside the car, far more than would be present had it came from merely shaking the bottle, and the man’s clothing were soaked and displayed severe discoloration.

Jackson was charged with simple battery, a first-degree misdemeanor, and was being held at the Alachua County Jail. I can’t help but think the charges would have been more severe had this been a man using bleach to make it rain on his girlfriend’s vagina.…

Corona, CA – The pastor and two other men affiliated with a Heart of Worship Church in Corona, California have been charged of with kidnapping and torturing a boy as a form of discipline for bad behavior.

Pastor Lonnie Remmers, 54, Nick Craig, 22, and Darryll Jeter, 28 are all facing charges including kidnapping, criminal threats and assault.

According to police, the teen’s mother took him to a men’s group home group home operated by the church for intervention because she believed he had been involved in ‘sexual misconduct.’ Corona police said it was unclear if she knew how the men were planning to discipline her son.

Investigators say Remmers instructed Craig and Jeters, who lived at the home, to ‘scare the boy.’ Police said Craig and Jeter drove the teen about 100 miles to the Barstow desert, forced him to dig a grave, threw dirt on him, and beat him with a belt. The boy was then reportedly driven back to Remmers’ house where the pastor used a pair of pliers to inflict pain on the boy, police said.…

South Haven, IN – Police say a man drove his motorcycle inside an Indiana bar Saturday night and challenged the bar to a fight. The bar resoundingly said ‘yes.’

Witnesses said John Daniels, 43, drove his motorcycle into Sportsman’s Bar through the opened front door just before 7 p.m. Saturday and asked if anyone wanted to fight.

While bar employees tried to push the motorcycle outside, Daniels reportedly got off the bike and began fighting with employees and other patrons. Sheriff’s police were called to the bar for ‘a large fight in progress.’

Police arrested Daniels on a battery and disorderly conduct charges and an additional charge of felony mugshot grimacing. Police also arrested Thomas Hines, 47, who told police that he began fighting alongside Daniels because ‘everyone attacked [him].’

Hines was also charged with battery and disorderly conduct charges.  Additional charges against both men for unlawful possession of douchey facial hair and felony resisting middle age are presumably still pending.…

Houston, TX – Houston police say Phillip Don Oliver, 25, has been arrested and charged after forcing his way into an apartment and forcing the people inside to commit sex acts on each other.

Oliver, also known as, “Showtime” and “Wild Thing,” thought the man who lived at the apartment owed $200, 000 to another man named Rico and he was there to collect the debt.

According to the court documents, Oliver and an accomplice forced their way inside the home by threatening the victim with a gun.  After denying knowledge of a debt to a man known as “Rico,” Oliver gathered the man’s wife, mother-in-law, and an infant into the bathroom then forced the adults to undress.

Oliver made the man kneel down and stick his head into the toilet while he flushed it repeatedly. He then inserted the barrel of his firearm into the man’s rectum while he was kneeling on the floor, before removing the barrel and sticking it into the mouth of the man’s wife — joking and laughing the entire time.…

York, SC — A man in South Carolina is facing assault charges after police say he beat a handicapped man during an argument over a Playboy Magazine.

On Wednesday, police were called to a home and found 24-year-old John Edward Pack on the front porch suffering from a seizure, a possible broken rib, a broken eye socket and neck injuries.

After medics were able to get the handicapped man’s seizure under control, he told police that he had been beaten by 42-year-old Randall Rumfelt, a man who lived with his mother. He said that a drunken Rumfelt wanted the Playboy Magazine he had in his possession, and kicked his ass to get it.

But Pack’s mother told police that she witnessed the fight and that Pack handed her the magazine before hitting Rumfelt first. After her son got his ass beat, she says she helped clean his wounds before he walked to his grandmother’s house a few houses away.

Rumfelt was arrested and charged with second-degree assault and battery. He’s currently being held under a $10,000 bond.…

Muncie, IN — I’ve seen women remove men’s testicles before, placing them in their purse or in a jar placed on a high shelf in a closet, but the recently married men in those cases were usually willing participants.

Not so for the poor guy in Indiana, whose ex-girlfriend was arrested after she practically removed his testicles with her bare hands.

Police were called to the home of a 57-year-old man who reported his drunken ex-girlfriend, 43-year-old Christina Reber, had entered his home uninvited  and had assaulted him in a most unpleasant fashion. Fellas, prepare to cringe.

The victim said shortly after yelling “call the fucking police” and slapping him in the head multiple times,  Reber latched on to his low-hanging fruit and began “squeezing as hard as she could.”

Despite his best efforts, the man was unable to get Reber to let go as she began digging in her fingernails into his tool bag. It wasn’t until after they fell to the floor that the man was able to regain possession of his eggs and call 911.…