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Philadelphia, PA — A man got himself into some trouble after throwing a child-like temper tantrum inside a Philadelphia donut shop and throwing a cup of hot coffee in the face of the clerk arguing with him over an unpaid sandwich.

The incident happened earlier this month inside the Fresh Donuts store in West Philadelphia and it was all captured on tape. The man, 52-year-old David Timbers, can be seen arguing with the clerk over a $2.40 sandwich that he insisted he paid for.

When the clerk, 27-year-old Sukia Luy, continues to insist that he had not paid for the sandwich, Timbers grabs a cup of hot coffee and throws it in her face. Luckily she had quick reflexes and only suffered second-degree burns to the arm she used to shield her face.

The store owner confronted Timbers who can be heard responding, “I don’t give a (expletive). I paid her! She told me I didn’t, so she can take that and keep the sandwich.”

Eyewitnesses say that the owner tried to stop Timbers from leaving, but Timbers and another man got into a gold Cadillac and left before police arrived.…

Fort Pierce, FL – Barbara Cruz, 39, was arrested on May 4th after police received a complaint from a man who accused her of hurling a carving fork at his head, lodging it in his left ear.  The man, who had been staying with the woman for the past two days at a boarding house named Reno Rooms, allegedly got into an argument with her when he refused to pay for crack cocaine.  After the attack, Cruz is believed to have pushed the man down and fled.

The victim, who was holding a bloody cloth over his left ear when police questioned him, said that he didn’t know the woman’s exact name, that it was Brenda or Barbara, and that she was light-skinned black with braided hair.  As someone who often spends two days in close proximity to a woman and never achieves certainty of even her first name, this all sounds perfectly on-the-level.

Officers soon located a woman who matched the description the victim had provided, and opted to question her. …

Palmer Township, PA – A woman has been charged after being accused of assaulting her husband with a vacuum attachment because of a dispute over his facial hair.

According to court records, Joyce Speciale-Detweiler, 53, was arrested after police responded to a report of a domestic dispute between a man and a woman at 4:13 p.m. Sunday on May 6. Officers made contact with a man outside the residence who had visible marks consistent with a recent assault and a torn shirt.  It was not reported if he or neighbors called police.

The man, identified as Donald Detweiler (not pictured), told police he was sitting outside the house when his wife began to argue with him about his “facial hair style.” According to the police report, he told her he planned to shave later in the day.

In response, Speciale-Detweiler reportedly retrieved a ‘vacuum pole’ from inside the house and struck him in the head and neck areas. Police said that – after repeated blows – the vacuum pole broke.…

Hayle, England – A British man received a life sentence for an attack during which he gouged out the eyeballs of his then-girlfriend – a mother-of-two. The man did not allow the woman to call for help for 12 hours after inflicting the injuries.  She is now blind.

Shane Jenkin, 33, of Hayle in Cornwall, reportedly attacked Tina Nash, 32, while she slept at her home in April 2011. Nash, 31, testified that she awoke to find Jenkin on top of her and strangling her. She lost consciousness as a result. During the attack – in addition to her eyes being gouged out – Jenkin broke her jaw and nose.

The court was told that Jenkin then waited 12 hours before allowing Nash to call for help.

Nash testified that after attacking her – during those 12 short hours that she remained blinded, broken, and bloodied, of course – Jenkin told her, “It’s all your fault. I’m going to get 20 years for this. You’re blind and your kids grow up.…

Epping, NH – Michael Masterson, 43, is facing charges of first-degree assault after allegedly attacking 64-year-old James Deveau on Wednesday night and carving an ‘X’ on the top of his head.  Deveau is said to be Masterson’s wife’s father, though Masterson claims to be single, so I suspect that that relationship is at least on the rocks.  There probably won’t be much make-up sex after this incident if I know anything about women (which I don’t).

James Deveau called 911 after reestablishing consciousness following the reported attack.  When police arrived, they found him confused and bleeding profusely from the head, saying he did not know who had assaulted him.  However, after being treated, his memory began creeping back into focus.  He said he recalled Masterson coming to his home and arguing about Deveau’s daughter, his late wife, her ashes, and a necklace.  The last thing he claims to recall prior to waking up in a pool of his own blood is turning around to look for his cat and dog.…

Horry County, TX – David Allen Credille, 32 and an Elvis impersonator “by trade,” was arrested on Wednesday following a Sunday night call to police.  A number of people, including Credille, were at a backyard birthday party playing the board game Taboo when the suspect reportedly got a little physical over a disagreement about the rules.

I’ll spare you the requisite “Jailhouse Rock” joke because I’m lazy.

Credille has all the credentials of a winner.  After all, he’s a 32-year-old Elvis impersonator who takes playing Taboo at parties very seriously.  I’m just surprised there was no mention of larping in the article.

He also seems to be a real stickler for rules, and a violent bastard when he feels they aren’t being followed.  When I first read this story, I immediately figured that Taboo involved rolling dice, picking an act deemed unnatural by society, and performing it on the adjacent player.  Boy, was I wrong.  It’s far gayer than that; something about trying to have your teammate guess a word without your using any of the terms listed on a card.…

Palm Bay, FL – Things were getting a little heavy on The Demon today, so I thought it might be a good time to lighten the mood with your feel-good story of the day.  Michael Demond Brown, 32, was arrested on Monday after an altercation with his girlfriend that caused police to be called to the scene.

Brown, who, just judging from his picture, has clearly been trained in a number of high-level martial arts, got into a heated argument with his girlfriend; an argument so rife with anguish that he reportedly disconnected the house phone and slammed her cell against a door.  Now, if you’re Brown’s girlfriend, you’re probably thinking, “This dude’s going to kill my ass and it’s probably going to be a little horrific.”

You’d be wrong.  Brown allegedly proceeded to spray his girlfriend’s feet with pesticide.  Yeah, not her hair, her face, or even her ass, but her feet.  Like the finely-honed killing machine he likely is, Brown then apparently proceeded to rip at her clothes and undergarments. …

Boca Raton, FL – A Florida mother and father called police after seeing surveillance video showing their son robbing two elderly women boarding a bus. One of the women, who is 96 years old, suffered two broken ribs when her wheelchair fell during the incident.

In video recorded on April 12, a man identified as Adam Bardisa, 19, approaches the women – who are sisters – outside of a Publix store as they are waiting for a ramp to lower on a Palm Tran bus. The man then grabs a purse of one of the women, knocking them both to the ground before fleeing on his razor scooter.

Bystanders reportedly ran after Bardisa as he wheeled his scooter across the parking lot and jumped into a gold-colored car. Police said that he had gotten away with $1,200, a gold watch and a gold bracelet. The women gave a description to detectives.

Palm Tran released several different angles of video from the bus. Bardisa is also seen in in-store video watching the elderly women at the service counter purchase $620 of money orders.…

LAKE IN THE HILLS, Ill — A teen in Illinois was arrested after she came home drunk, bit her mother and then bit the family dog several times.

Officers were responding to a home at around 4 a.m. Sunday after neighbors called to report loud screaming and pounding. There they encountered a 37-year-old woman who had been physically assaulted by her 19-year-old daughter, Analise J. Garner.

She said the pair had gotten into an argument after Garner arrived home late and drunk. This altercation resulted in Garner punching her mother in the face and biting her hand. But she wasn’t the only one in the home to be assaulted by Garner’s mouth.

Police Garner also chewed on the family’s 80-pound English bulldog. According to police, there were several visible bite marks on the dog. As a result, the dog bit back and Garner was treated at the scene for a bite wound on her arm. Because the dog bit her, standard procedure dictated animal control be notified.

“The dog was defending himself,” police Sgt.…

Sandpoint, ID – An Idaho man is in court after allegedly demanding another man to “moonwalk” at gunpoint. The man has since testified that the AR-15 used in the incident is simply an Airsoft pellet gun.

Sheriff’s deputies were reportedly summoned to the home of John Ernest Cross, 30, on Monday after receiving a report that Cross had pointed a rifle at another man while demanding that he execute a ‘dance move.’ Shockingly, police report that drugs were involved.

The local news source reporting on the incident makes the point that, although the late singer Michael Jackson popularized the moonwalk dance move, many other entertainers have been credited for using a variation of the move including Cab Calloway, Ronnie Hawkins, David Bowie and Dick Van Dyke.

From this, it would be reasonable to conclude that Cross’ compadre could have abided a casual – albeit determined – request and simply executed the famous move.  But, noooooooooooo. …he had to get all whiny and police-y about it. Some friend!

Cross is now charged with aggravated assault and is being held in lieu of $20,000 bail.…

BALTIMORE, MD – Police have arrested a total of four suspects in connection to the videotaped beating of a tourist in downtown Baltimore during the St. Patrick’s Day weekend.

For those of you living under a rock, a video was posted online last month that showed an unidentified man getting his ass handed to him by a rowdy mob. The victim, who was clearly drunk off his ass, can be seen getting surrounded by a group of people when 20-year-old Aaron Parsons reaches in and takes something out of the victim’s pocket. When the victim walks after him, Parsons cold-cocks him.

While laying on the sidewalk wondering what the hell happened to him, a mob of people descend on him delivering a volley of punches and kicks while robbing him and stripping him of his clothing. The entire time, onlookers simply laugh and film the assault.

The video of the attack quickly went viral — mostly because of the brutality of the video and the fact that the victim is white and his attackers were black.…

Wolfeboro, NH – David Ford, 31, is being held without bail after allegedly beating his girlfriend about the head with a rock and then attempting to push her into an open campfire on Tuesday morning.  Details are a little sparse at the moment, as police were more concerned with getting the severely injured victim to the hospital than gleaning the specific events that led to the brutal attack.

Police Lieutenant Dean Rondeau, who claims he has never seen anything like this in his 16 years as a New Hampshire officer, described the attack:  “He picked up a rock and then began to assault her with the rock, beating her several times about the face and head, and then attempted to take her head and push it into an open fire pit.”

The victim attempted to avoid the flames, but Ford was apparently fairly persistent about the fact that he wanted her face in there.  She suffered first and second degree burns on her face and hands before she was able to escape and get to her father’s house. …

Macon, GA – Lulu Campbell, 57, a Sumo wrestler grandmother who owns several convenience stores in the Macon area fended off two would-be thieves at 2 AM Saturday night.  Campbell had just dropped off her 15-year-old grandson at her daughter’s house.  After he was safely inside the house, she began rummaging through her pocketbook, looking for her cell phone, when two men approached her truck and demanded she open the door and give them her money.  She responded, “Baby, you’re going to kill me anyway, so I don’t have to open it!”

That’s when Brenton Lance Spencer, 32, allegedly opened fire, just missing Campbell’s chest.  Campbell, who claims to always have one of her many licensed firearms with her, fired back with a .38 caliber revolver, striking Spencer in the abdomen.  Campbell then spotted the second suspect, Dantre Horatio Shivers, 30, who also reportedly fired at her, prompting more return shots.  Shivers fled the scene with no extra holes in his body.  Our new favorite kick-ass grandmother was not hit either.…

Austin, TX – A man is in a medically-induced coma in a hospital burn unit after his wife allegedly used a ruse of giving him a “hot oil massage” to douse him in gasoline and light him up. Police identified multiple ways that they believe she attempted to keep him from getting aid.

On Tuesday night, police responded to a disturbance call at the apartment that Shriya Biman Patel, 25, shared with her husband. Police say they found a naked man lying on the floor screaming in pain with severe burns over 70% of his body. Patel was also in the apartment when they arrived.

According to the victim, he had undressed and gotten into the bathtub under the guise of a promise by his wife to give him a hot oil massage. Investigators found candles placed around the bathroom presumably to create a romantic ambiance. The victim said, then – when he entered the tub – Patel poured what the man believed to be oil on him. He told investigators the next thing he knew, he was on fire.…

Memphis, TN – Police responding to a 911 call before dawn on Thursday encountered 19-year-old Darius Williams walking along the shoulder of Interstate 240.  Williams, an apparent disciple in search of his savior, reportedly first asked the responding officer if he happened to be Jesus.

This question earned him a spot in the back of the squad car, where he became irate enough to break out through the window.  He then allegedly jumped on top of the car, from which the officer attempted to talk him down.  That didn’t work out so well.

The officer stated that Williams then ran down the front of the car toward him.  The suspect was sprayed with a chemical agent, paced in front of the car a bit, and then was taken to the ground by the officer.  He escaped, however, then jumped into the driver’s seat of the squad car and drove off.  He headed the wrong way up the interstate a short distance before swerving into a ditch and crashing into a fence where he was apprehended by the responding officer and an off-duty cop willing to lend a hand.…

Maywood, IL – Alton Hayes III, 18, and a 15-year-old friend were arrested for attempted robbery, aggravated assault, and a hate crime on Tuesday after an attack on a 19-year-old white man.  Once apprehended by the police, Hayes reportedly told police that he was so angered by the Trayvon Martin case that he decided to beat up a white man.

Hayes and his accomplice allegedly walked up behind the victim, pinning his arms at his sides.  Hayes then picked up a stick, pointed it at the victim’s chest and said, “Empty your pockets, white boy.”  Police reports indicate that the two then rifled through the victim’s pockets and punched him in the back and head before running off.

Hayes was ordered held on $80,000 bond and remained in the Cook County Jail on Friday.  He will next appear in court May 11.  The boy was referred to juvenile court.

I can’t help but think that Hayes’s comment regarding Trayvon Martin, the one that automatically classified this relatively minor assault as a hate crime, will be the biggest regret of his young life.…

MICHIGAN CITY, Indiana — An 8-year-old boy and a 9-year-old boy have been charged with battery for beating their female bus driver after being asked to stop throwing things on the bus.

The boys were on their way home Friday, riding in a school bus taking them back home from Springfield Elementary School, when they began tossing a lanyard back and forth between the seats.

When a 73-year-old bus monitor told them to stop playing around, one of the boys began verbally assaulting her. When she admonished him, the other boy chimed in as well, swearing at her and calling her names.

The 35-year-old bus driver, Shaunda Gilbert, eventually pulled the bus over to the side of the road in an attempt to get the boys to calm down. The 8-year-old informed her he was just going to get off the bus, but Gilbert blocked his path to the door.

This prompted the young boy to push Gilbert to the floor where he began pulling out her hair and slamming her head on the floor.  …

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Police have arrested a woman after they say she repeatedly bit another woman during a fight over a parking space.

Police say 32-year-old Sara Gillian was angry when a 22-year-old woman swooped in and stole a parking place she had been waiting for. The same article also says the fight was over the 22-year-old partially blocking a driveway.

Whatever the reason, the two got into a heated argument about it, leading to the women getting into each other’s face and pushing each other.

That is, until Gillian began using her mouth for more than talk and started biting the other woman, causing serious bite marks on her arms and chest.

“She was like, ‘Aaargh, aargh,’ and she just kept biting her,” said Trevell Council, the victim’s boyfriend. “She kept biting her and my girlfriend was like, ‘Help. Help.'”

Like, whoa.

Police arrested Gillian and charged her with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.…