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SACRAMENTO, CA — A woman was arrested after she allegedly slapped her boyfriend for bringing her the wrong brand of beer.

Danielle Holt’s boyfriend called 911 Wednesday night to report he had been assaulted by his drunken catch. When sheriff’s deputies arrived, the man told them that Holt had gotten drunk and wanted to get drunker. Since the 27-year-old had no more beer to achieve this, she got him to walk to a nearby store to purchase more.

He said that when he returned Holt became angry over his choice of beer. When he refused to go back to get the brand she wanted, she slapped him across the face.

But Holt wasn’t quite through being a drunken cunt. Police say she was fighting and screaming the entire time they tried to get her into custody and had to physically remove her from the house. After kicking a chair at her boyfriend and kicking at the deputies as they tried to get her into the patrol car, she was safely transported to jail after being placed in a Hobble restraint.…

Carlisle, UK – A man has pleaded guilty to assaulting his girlfriend after the couple got into an argument over her constant reading of the terrible bestseller, Fifty Shades of Grey.

Police say 31-year-old Raymond Hodgson and his girlfriend, Emma McCormick, got into an argument when she would not stop reading aloud passages from the book that Hodgson felt was “pornographic” and “distasteful.” The argument carried over to the next day through text messages that eventually got personal.

Raymond got so angry with Emma that when he visited her later that evening she would not let him in the house and tried to shut the door on him. But Raymond wedged his foot int he door, slapped her once in the face, and then squirted her in the face with a bottle of steak sauce. Raymond denies ever slapping Emma, but admits that he did squirt her with steak sauce to show her what “saucy” really meant. Har! Har!

Raymond’s lawyer says that his client regrets ever doing this and has since apologized.…

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL– Two years ago we reported on Wayne Treacy, the then 15-year-old who used some steel-toed boots to turn a 15-year-old girl’s brains into a bowl of mashed potatoes because he got upset over some texts she had sent him. Today, opening statements started in Treacy’s attempted murder trial.

Here’s a little background for those of you unfamiliar with this case. Treacy was in a relationship with 13-year-old Kayla Manson, who attended Deerfield Beach Middle School. She did not have a cell phone, so Treacy texted her friend, 15-year-old Josie Lou Ratley, asking about his girlfriend’s whereabouts.

Ratley didn’t know Treacy very well, but she let him know that she did not approve of him dating her friend. This lead to the two sending a series of heated, barely literate text messages back and forth, messages that sent Treacy into a fit of rage.

But the message that really sent Treacy over the edge was the message in which Ratley tells references Treacy’s dead brother. Treacy’s older brother had committed suicide five months earlier by hanging himself from a tree in front of a church.…

Palm Springs, FL — A 70-year-old woman is facing felony charges after being accused of using a pair of industrial scissors to try and cut off her husband’s dick.

According to reports, Virginia Valdez and her 62-year-old husband were engaged in some oral sex when Valdez said she wanted to go brush her teeth. When she returned, she was brandishing a pair of industrial scissors and used them to attack her husband’s penis.

Her husband jumped up and screamed in pain before running into the bathroom to grab a towel and use it to apply pressure to the wound. He drove himself to the hospital and called 911 while on his way there.

“The bitch tried to cut my dick off,” he informed the dispatcher.

He did not suffer any life-threatening injuries, but did receive four stitches and was released later that evening.

Officers arrested Valdez at the couple’s home without incident and she would be charged with assault with a deadly weapon and inflicting corporal injury on a spouse.

ALTOONA, PA — It’s amazing that God sees to it that couples able to provide a loving household for a child are not able to conceive or adopt one, but will seemingly ensure the biggest morons are equipped with vaginas capable of shooting out babies like a rapid-fire Pez dispenser.

Case in point, 31-year-old Carla Murphy. Two days after this picture was taken of Murphy and her new baby, hospital staff called police when she began shouting, cursing and being aggressive towards several nurses. Believing she was on some kind of drugs that they did not give her, doctors decided to keep her at the hospital to be evaluated by mental health professionals.

As they were escorting her back to her room, Murphy ran into the bathroom where she stripped naked and began rolling around on the floor. She was unable to answer basic questions, but began berating the nurses helping her to her room as well as the responding police officers. After telling police they could search her belongings, they searched her purse and found a dismantled black pen with residue of a substance inside, a lighter and some white powder that Murphy called Disco — a street name for bath salts.…

WINTER HAVEN, FL – A Polk County man was arrested over the weekend after allegedly accosting three women with a 4-foot-long sword and a peanut butter sandwich.

The melee reportedly began when Mark Miller, 50, was disturbed by noise the women were making outside of his mobile home. Miller is said to have exited his trailer angrily, brandishing the blade and his late night snack. At some point during the scuffle that ensued, according to responding officers, Miller jabbed the more dangerous and metallic weapon at a woman’s stomach, one Brandi Bodiford, who happened to be 6 months pregnant.

Fortunately for Bodiford and her unborn child, she was able to grab the blade before being skewered and her friend, Taylor Grimes, stepped between her and Miller. Miller then smeared his remaining weapon, the peanut butter sandwich, on the chest of the third woman, Cierra Harwell.

Deputies arrived to detain and transport Miller to Polk County Jail, but before the trip was completed Miller used his teeth to cause $550 worth of damage to the padding on the squad car’s cage partition.…

Port St. Lucie, FL – Robert Gabriel Gernot, 54, was arrested on a misdemeanor assault charge for threatening to kick his neighbor’s ass, but only after he’d taken care some business of his own, apparently.

Gernot’s neighbor stopped by on June 17th and attempted to engage him in conversation, to which Gernot responded that he was not in any mood to talk.  And who could blame him?  After all, he’d probably been out at sea all day, dragging nets, hauling them up, and battling the elements.  Oh, wait.  That’s the Gordon’s fisherman.  Perhaps something else was bothering him, right?

At some point, it is believed that the neighbor threatened to beat Gernot’s ass, though Gernot later told a deputy that he never actually felt threatened.

Realizing that Gernot was probably in need of a break from his hectic beard-growing job, the neighbor went back home and returned with a beer and a cigarette, presumably to serve as a peace offering.  He also took care of some planting he’d promised Gernot’s mother he would do in her yard.…

Phoenix, AZ — A 14-year-old boy stopped a wannabe burglar in his tracks, critically injuring the man as he brandished a gun at the teen and his three siblings Friday afternoon.

According to police, the boy and his siblings, ages 8, 10 and 12, were home alone when a strange woman rang the doorbell that afternoon. The teen later told police he didn’t answer the door because he didn’t recognize the woman.

A short time later, the teen heard someone banging on the door. He gathered his siblings and rushed them upstairs, stopping to retrieve a handgun from his parent’s bedroom.

As the boy stood at the top of the stairs, he saw a man break through the front door and aim a gun at him. Before the intruder could get a shot off the kid fired, effectively altering the intruder’s plans.

Police say the unidentified 37-year-old man was transported to the hospital in extremely critical condition. He has since been upgraded to critical condition and is expected to survive.…

CHARLOTTE, NC — Police have arrested 33-year-old Regina Terry after they say she threw a pan of hot grease on her neighbors this past Sunday, burning two adults and four children.

Neighbors say that Terry has had an ongoing dispute with her neighbors, the McLean family. The altercations never turned physical, and usually consisted of them yelling at each other. But this past Sunday, Terry skipped past simple assault and went straight to assault with a deadly weapon and malicious maiming.

After Terry and the McLeans got into another argument, the McLean family–two adult sisters and their children, ages 10, 8, 6, and 22 months–were on the phone with police when Terry threw hot grease from a pan inside the McLean’s apartment.

Everyone in the McLean family was burned in some fashion. Four of the victims were taken to Chapel Hill burn center. One of the adults and her 22-month-old son suffered injuries so bad that they had to be airlifted. Two others were treated at a local hospital while another refused treatment.…

Laredo, TX —  The mother of a 6-year-old child says a teacher instructed an entire classroom of kindergartners to line up and slap her son because of his alleged bullying. Now two Salinas Elementary School teachers have been placed on leave, and the mother of the boy wants criminal charges filed.

The incident happened in May, but the boy never told his mother about it. It only came to light after one of the teachers present alerted school officials two weeks after it happened, and after a police report of the incident reached the county district attorney.

There’s two versions of what happened, neither of which are acceptable, but the mother’s version is a bit more extreme while the teacher’s version is a bit more believable.

According to the mother, her son admits he had been acting up in line. His teacher, described as “relatively young,” asked another teacher what she should do to curtail his bullying. The other teacher took the boy into her classroom and had him sit down before instructing 24 other kindergartners to file past him and give him a nice slap.…

San Diego, CA – Border Patrol officers Gerald Torello, 35, and Kallie Helwig, 24, allegedly crossed the line at a Cirque Du Soleil show in San Diego on March 27th when Helwig was reportedly spotted by other audience members performing oral sex on Torello.

It all supposedly started when a witness, who opted not to be named, saw the two kissing intimately while Torello groped Helwig’s breasts, but the sexy shenanigans didn’t end there, as Helwig reportedly took the PDA to the next logical level, unzipping Torello’s pants and placing his engorged member into her expectant, wanton oral cavity; my own word choice, thank you in advance.

Audience members who witnessed the monumental event say they asked the two to stop, to no avail.  And Torello, who was allegedly drunk, reportedly high-fived a young boy mid-gobble when the boy turned to see what all the commotion was about.  The two apparently didn’t stop until an usher approached them, at which point I’d imagine Torello was entertaining the thought of finishing it himself, if only to stave off the wicked testicular ache to which only a fellow ball-owner can attest.…

Houston, TX – Police are searching for Johnathan Renard Castaneda, 25, who is wanted in what is believed to be a drug-fueled attack that left one man dead and three others injured, one of whom was raped.

Friday night, Castaneda was at a Houston home with the four victims, socializing, when Keith Armstrong, 45, began an unsuccessful search for the keys to his Chevy Suburban.  Things reportedly turned really ugly, really fast when Armstrong pulled a gun on the suspect, accusing him of taking the missing keys.  Castaneda allegedly responded by picking up a steel pipe and beating Armstrong mercilessly to death with it.

Castaneda was reportedly not finished, as he beat the other occupants of the house unconscious and raped one.  Police were called when one of the victims was able to escape the attack, making it to the street before collapsing.  Reports indicate that the interior of the house was almost completely destroyed in the attack.

Armstrong, the deceased victim, had a criminal record for armed robbery, but has not had a run-in with the police since his release three years ago. …

Shelby, NC – 39-year-old Joyce Maxine Gregory was arrested Saturday morning and charged with “malicious castration” and “assault inflicting serious bodily injury” after allegedly squeezing a 59-year-old man’s scrotum with enough force to cause one of his testicles to pop out.

I will apologize in advance for the short article, but it’s uncomfortable to write while cross-legged, with my thighs involuntarily constricting my formidable junk.

The person pictured to the left is the reported perpetrator in this crime, in case you were having any difficulty.  According to police, Gregory and the man, who were supposedly in some sort of “romantic” relationship, were arguing Saturday morning.  It must have been getting fairly heated though, because the man reports that he stepped outside to call 911.

It was then that Gregory allegedly grabbed the man by his plum-sac…hard…and I mean REALLY hard; so hard, in fact, that his scrotum ruptured, causing one of his testicles to peek out from what had become, and I’m visualizing here, a hairy, wrinkly, swollen, bloody mess.

The man was able to wrench himself free and walk to the Shelby Rescue Squad building for help. …

Pennsylvania — Police have charged a man for assaulting a child and the child’s mother after he got hit with a water balloon.

According to reports, after a 9-year-old boy hit 33-year-old Joe Mongeon with a water balloon, Mongeon laughed and said, “Good one, kid!”

With his shirt soaked and water dripping from his face, Mongeon called a time out and the two sat side-by-side on the sidewalk. As they each enjoyed a Coke and let the sun dry them off, the pair laughed together as they watched other kids continuing the water fight.

Later, when the boy was much older, this would be one of those pleasant, simple memories that stick around for no particular reason, usually recalled on warm, summer days while playing similar games with his two sons.

As they dodged in and out of a sprinkler while trying, half-heartedly, not to get hit by the water from the hose he was wielding, it would bring him back to that day with Mongeon and the water balloons, reminding him of a simpler time in his life when things seemed full of a innocence and wonder that he had long outgrown.…

Myrtle Beach, SC – Crystal Brown, 38, was charged with aggravated assault Sunday morning for allegedly stabbing a man twice in the head after he’d asked her if she’d have sex with him.  Police arrived at the victim’s house after one of his relatives called to report the incident.

I’ve always believed directly asking a woman if she’d have sex with me to be a dicey proposition at best, at least whenever an exchange of currency would likely be deemed an insult.  Perhaps I’m not suave and/or debonair enough to pull that type of thing off, or maybe the correct phrasing has never quite occurred to me.  It apparently hadn’t occurred to the victim either, at least as far as Ms. Brown is concerned.

Upon processing the victim’s suggestion, Brown reportedly got pretty pissed off, possibly because she’d only known the victim for a few days.  She allegedly began yelling and walking toward the victim’s kitchen.  He followed, telling her she could leave if she wanted to do so; an ill-advised choice, as it turns out. …

Gastonia, NC — I know there are a ton of updates going on regarding Luka Magnotta and the Miami face-eater, but a woman was arrested Sunday afternoon after she got into an argument with a man over groceries and began beating him with her prosthetic leg.

Police say the unnamed woman showed up at the home of 29-year-old Charles Talbert to confront him about continually harassing her, over the last two days, about going to the grocery store.

An argument ensued that got so heated that the woman reportedly leaped out of her wheelchair and struck Talbert in the face and chest. Not content with just beating him with her fists, the woman removed her prosthetic leg and began beating Talbert with that as well.

Talbert wasn’t seriously injured in the attack, but he reported that his cellphone and glasses suffered an estimated $300 in damages. The woman didn’t fare as well and was taken to the hospital after witnesses at the scene pulled her off Talbert and inadvertently pulled  her dialysis tube from her neck.…

Scott County, MN – We all have our bad days, but I’m a firm believer in the theory that douchebags tend to have more of them than most.  With that, I present to you Billy Jack Melton, 34, a Georgia man who got the wise idea to attend his girlfriend’s son’s 6th grade choir concert very drunk…and idiotic.

At some point, Melton stepped onto the stage to record the performance and was promptly asked by school staff and Principal John Jacobson to leave.  Melton apparently agreed to exit the building, but became belligerent once outside, taking his shirt off and challenging Jacobson to a fight.  Unfortunately, the principal didn’t seem to be altogether interested in tousling with a drunken, half-naked, retarded hick.

Melton then reportedly hopped into his car, with his girlfriend and her son inside, and attempted to drive away.  However, upon noticing that a police officer was observing his flawless demonstration of high-level ass-hattery, he jumped into the passenger seat.  It was then that the officer requested Billy Jack’s exit from the vehicle. …

White Plains, NY – Lawrence Bottone, 54, of Norwalk, CT, who was indicted last year on numerous counts of assault, unlawful imprisonment, and criminal impersonation, pleaded guilty yesterday.  There were 50 charges in all, which had him facing decades in the prison.  His plea bargain will likely find him looking at roughly 10 years.  He has been held on $250,000 bail since his arrest in May 2011.

Bottone previously served four years in prison for torturing young black and Hispanic men in Connecticut where he was a school teacher. He was sentenced on child pornography and assault charges after he was videotaped abusing his students in a tutoring program.

Bottone, using the pseudonym “Dr. Hunter” and posing as a professor, was accused of recruiting young men for supposed overseas spy work and torturing them throughout a fallacious training program.  He would frequent local malls and Westchester Community College looking for his targets.  In fact, he was such a fixture at the college that the security staff believed him to be part of the faculty.…