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WINTER HAVEN, FL – A Polk County man was arrested over the weekend after allegedly accosting three women with a 4-foot-long sword and a peanut butter sandwich.

The melee reportedly began when Mark Miller, 50, was disturbed by noise the women were making outside of his mobile home. Miller is said to have exited his trailer angrily, brandishing the blade and his late night snack. At some point during the scuffle that ensued, according to responding officers, Miller jabbed the more dangerous and metallic weapon at a woman’s stomach, one Brandi Bodiford, who happened to be 6 months pregnant.

Fortunately for Bodiford and her unborn child, she was able to grab the blade before being skewered and her friend, Taylor Grimes, stepped between her and Miller. Miller then smeared his remaining weapon, the peanut butter sandwich, on the chest of the third woman, Cierra Harwell.

Deputies arrived to detain and transport Miller to Polk County Jail, but before the trip was completed Miller used his teeth to cause $550 worth of damage to the padding on the squad car’s cage partition.…

Port St. Lucie, FL – Robert Gabriel Gernot, 54, was arrested on a misdemeanor assault charge for threatening to kick his neighbor’s ass, but only after he’d taken care some business of his own, apparently.

Gernot’s neighbor stopped by on June 17th and attempted to engage him in conversation, to which Gernot responded that he was not in any mood to talk.  And who could blame him?  After all, he’d probably been out at sea all day, dragging nets, hauling them up, and battling the elements.  Oh, wait.  That’s the Gordon’s fisherman.  Perhaps something else was bothering him, right?

At some point, it is believed that the neighbor threatened to beat Gernot’s ass, though Gernot later told a deputy that he never actually felt threatened.

Realizing that Gernot was probably in need of a break from his hectic beard-growing job, the neighbor went back home and returned with a beer and a cigarette, presumably to serve as a peace offering.  He also took care of some planting he’d promised Gernot’s mother he would do in her yard.…

Phoenix, AZ — A 14-year-old boy stopped a wannabe burglar in his tracks, critically injuring the man as he brandished a gun at the teen and his three siblings Friday afternoon.

According to police, the boy and his siblings, ages 8, 10 and 12, were home alone when a strange woman rang the doorbell that afternoon. The teen later told police he didn’t answer the door because he didn’t recognize the woman.

A short time later, the teen heard someone banging on the door. He gathered his siblings and rushed them upstairs, stopping to retrieve a handgun from his parent’s bedroom.

As the boy stood at the top of the stairs, he saw a man break through the front door and aim a gun at him. Before the intruder could get a shot off the kid fired, effectively altering the intruder’s plans.

Police say the unidentified 37-year-old man was transported to the hospital in extremely critical condition. He has since been upgraded to critical condition and is expected to survive.…

CHARLOTTE, NC — Police have arrested 33-year-old Regina Terry after they say she threw a pan of hot grease on her neighbors this past Sunday, burning two adults and four children.

Neighbors say that Terry has had an ongoing dispute with her neighbors, the McLean family. The altercations never turned physical, and usually consisted of them yelling at each other. But this past Sunday, Terry skipped past simple assault and went straight to assault with a deadly weapon and malicious maiming.

After Terry and the McLeans got into another argument, the McLean family–two adult sisters and their children, ages 10, 8, 6, and 22 months–were on the phone with police when Terry threw hot grease from a pan inside the McLean’s apartment.

Everyone in the McLean family was burned in some fashion. Four of the victims were taken to Chapel Hill burn center. One of the adults and her 22-month-old son suffered injuries so bad that they had to be airlifted. Two others were treated at a local hospital while another refused treatment.…

Laredo, TX —  The mother of a 6-year-old child says a teacher instructed an entire classroom of kindergartners to line up and slap her son because of his alleged bullying. Now two Salinas Elementary School teachers have been placed on leave, and the mother of the boy wants criminal charges filed.

The incident happened in May, but the boy never told his mother about it. It only came to light after one of the teachers present alerted school officials two weeks after it happened, and after a police report of the incident reached the county district attorney.

There’s two versions of what happened, neither of which are acceptable, but the mother’s version is a bit more extreme while the teacher’s version is a bit more believable.

According to the mother, her son admits he had been acting up in line. His teacher, described as “relatively young,” asked another teacher what she should do to curtail his bullying. The other teacher took the boy into her classroom and had him sit down before instructing 24 other kindergartners to file past him and give him a nice slap.…

San Diego, CA – Border Patrol officers Gerald Torello, 35, and Kallie Helwig, 24, allegedly crossed the line at a Cirque Du Soleil show in San Diego on March 27th when Helwig was reportedly spotted by other audience members performing oral sex on Torello.

It all supposedly started when a witness, who opted not to be named, saw the two kissing intimately while Torello groped Helwig’s breasts, but the sexy shenanigans didn’t end there, as Helwig reportedly took the PDA to the next logical level, unzipping Torello’s pants and placing his engorged member into her expectant, wanton oral cavity; my own word choice, thank you in advance.

Audience members who witnessed the monumental event say they asked the two to stop, to no avail.  And Torello, who was allegedly drunk, reportedly high-fived a young boy mid-gobble when the boy turned to see what all the commotion was about.  The two apparently didn’t stop until an usher approached them, at which point I’d imagine Torello was entertaining the thought of finishing it himself, if only to stave off the wicked testicular ache to which only a fellow ball-owner can attest.…

Houston, TX – Police are searching for Johnathan Renard Castaneda, 25, who is wanted in what is believed to be a drug-fueled attack that left one man dead and three others injured, one of whom was raped.

Friday night, Castaneda was at a Houston home with the four victims, socializing, when Keith Armstrong, 45, began an unsuccessful search for the keys to his Chevy Suburban.  Things reportedly turned really ugly, really fast when Armstrong pulled a gun on the suspect, accusing him of taking the missing keys.  Castaneda allegedly responded by picking up a steel pipe and beating Armstrong mercilessly to death with it.

Castaneda was reportedly not finished, as he beat the other occupants of the house unconscious and raped one.  Police were called when one of the victims was able to escape the attack, making it to the street before collapsing.  Reports indicate that the interior of the house was almost completely destroyed in the attack.

Armstrong, the deceased victim, had a criminal record for armed robbery, but has not had a run-in with the police since his release three years ago. …

Shelby, NC – 39-year-old Joyce Maxine Gregory was arrested Saturday morning and charged with “malicious castration” and “assault inflicting serious bodily injury” after allegedly squeezing a 59-year-old man’s scrotum with enough force to cause one of his testicles to pop out.

I will apologize in advance for the short article, but it’s uncomfortable to write while cross-legged, with my thighs involuntarily constricting my formidable junk.

The person pictured to the left is the reported perpetrator in this crime, in case you were having any difficulty.  According to police, Gregory and the man, who were supposedly in some sort of “romantic” relationship, were arguing Saturday morning.  It must have been getting fairly heated though, because the man reports that he stepped outside to call 911.

It was then that Gregory allegedly grabbed the man by his plum-sac…hard…and I mean REALLY hard; so hard, in fact, that his scrotum ruptured, causing one of his testicles to peek out from what had become, and I’m visualizing here, a hairy, wrinkly, swollen, bloody mess.

The man was able to wrench himself free and walk to the Shelby Rescue Squad building for help. …

Pennsylvania — Police have charged a man for assaulting a child and the child’s mother after he got hit with a water balloon.

According to reports, after a 9-year-old boy hit 33-year-old Joe Mongeon with a water balloon, Mongeon laughed and said, “Good one, kid!”

With his shirt soaked and water dripping from his face, Mongeon called a time out and the two sat side-by-side on the sidewalk. As they each enjoyed a Coke and let the sun dry them off, the pair laughed together as they watched other kids continuing the water fight.

Later, when the boy was much older, this would be one of those pleasant, simple memories that stick around for no particular reason, usually recalled on warm, summer days while playing similar games with his two sons.

As they dodged in and out of a sprinkler while trying, half-heartedly, not to get hit by the water from the hose he was wielding, it would bring him back to that day with Mongeon and the water balloons, reminding him of a simpler time in his life when things seemed full of a innocence and wonder that he had long outgrown.…

Myrtle Beach, SC – Crystal Brown, 38, was charged with aggravated assault Sunday morning for allegedly stabbing a man twice in the head after he’d asked her if she’d have sex with him.  Police arrived at the victim’s house after one of his relatives called to report the incident.

I’ve always believed directly asking a woman if she’d have sex with me to be a dicey proposition at best, at least whenever an exchange of currency would likely be deemed an insult.  Perhaps I’m not suave and/or debonair enough to pull that type of thing off, or maybe the correct phrasing has never quite occurred to me.  It apparently hadn’t occurred to the victim either, at least as far as Ms. Brown is concerned.

Upon processing the victim’s suggestion, Brown reportedly got pretty pissed off, possibly because she’d only known the victim for a few days.  She allegedly began yelling and walking toward the victim’s kitchen.  He followed, telling her she could leave if she wanted to do so; an ill-advised choice, as it turns out. …

Gastonia, NC — I know there are a ton of updates going on regarding Luka Magnotta and the Miami face-eater, but a woman was arrested Sunday afternoon after she got into an argument with a man over groceries and began beating him with her prosthetic leg.

Police say the unnamed woman showed up at the home of 29-year-old Charles Talbert to confront him about continually harassing her, over the last two days, about going to the grocery store.

An argument ensued that got so heated that the woman reportedly leaped out of her wheelchair and struck Talbert in the face and chest. Not content with just beating him with her fists, the woman removed her prosthetic leg and began beating Talbert with that as well.

Talbert wasn’t seriously injured in the attack, but he reported that his cellphone and glasses suffered an estimated $300 in damages. The woman didn’t fare as well and was taken to the hospital after witnesses at the scene pulled her off Talbert and inadvertently pulled  her dialysis tube from her neck.…

Scott County, MN – We all have our bad days, but I’m a firm believer in the theory that douchebags tend to have more of them than most.  With that, I present to you Billy Jack Melton, 34, a Georgia man who got the wise idea to attend his girlfriend’s son’s 6th grade choir concert very drunk…and idiotic.

At some point, Melton stepped onto the stage to record the performance and was promptly asked by school staff and Principal John Jacobson to leave.  Melton apparently agreed to exit the building, but became belligerent once outside, taking his shirt off and challenging Jacobson to a fight.  Unfortunately, the principal didn’t seem to be altogether interested in tousling with a drunken, half-naked, retarded hick.

Melton then reportedly hopped into his car, with his girlfriend and her son inside, and attempted to drive away.  However, upon noticing that a police officer was observing his flawless demonstration of high-level ass-hattery, he jumped into the passenger seat.  It was then that the officer requested Billy Jack’s exit from the vehicle. …

White Plains, NY – Lawrence Bottone, 54, of Norwalk, CT, who was indicted last year on numerous counts of assault, unlawful imprisonment, and criminal impersonation, pleaded guilty yesterday.  There were 50 charges in all, which had him facing decades in the prison.  His plea bargain will likely find him looking at roughly 10 years.  He has been held on $250,000 bail since his arrest in May 2011.

Bottone previously served four years in prison for torturing young black and Hispanic men in Connecticut where he was a school teacher. He was sentenced on child pornography and assault charges after he was videotaped abusing his students in a tutoring program.

Bottone, using the pseudonym “Dr. Hunter” and posing as a professor, was accused of recruiting young men for supposed overseas spy work and torturing them throughout a fallacious training program.  He would frequent local malls and Westchester Community College looking for his targets.  In fact, he was such a fixture at the college that the security staff believed him to be part of the faculty.…

Jersey City, NJ – Patrick Horner, 49, was arrested Monday morning after a physical altercation with a 47-year-old man in Journal Square.  Firefighters who witnessed the fight held the two until police arrived.

According to the victim, when the two men happened upon each other, Horner issued a Muslim greeting.  I’m going to assume, perhaps wrongly, that the victim is Muslim and that Horner, based solely upon his name, is not.  The victim ignored the greeting because he says he knows Horner, but does not care for him.  I’m quite disappointed that the words “hate crime” appear nowhere in the source article, but maybe it doesn’t apply to Muslims or something since they’re all terrorists anyway.

It was then that Horner allegedly became argumentative, lifting his shirt to reveal a spray-painted plastic gun that he must have wanted the victim to believe was real.  It was tucked into his waistband right next to a…wait for it…colostomy bag.  Now that’s gangsta, yo.

Horner then allegedly removed the gun and used it to beat the victim, who probably didn’t realize that the colostomy bag was, by far, the more intimidating weapon on hand.  …

Hackensack, NJ – Police responded to a call on Sunday that a man, Wayne Carter, 43, had barricaded himself inside his home and was threatening to hurt himself.  Officers were able to break into the room inside which Carter had blocked the door with furniture.

As officers approached Carter, who was reportedly wielding a 12-inch knife in the corner, they ordered him to drop the knife, but he refused.  It was at that point that the man apparently began stabbing himself repeatedly in the neck, legs, and abdomen.

According to reports, Carter then took an aggressive stance, yelling at the officers, and threatening them with the knife.  Pepper spray was used to little effect, judging from reports that he then began cutting off pieces of his own flesh and intestines and hurling them at officers.

The cops then retreated and called in the SWAT team, who were able to subdue the man and bring him to a local hospital, partially disemboweled, where he remains in critical condition after emergency surgery.…

Miami, FL – A naked homeless man identified as 31-year-old Rudy Eugene was shot and killed by police on Saturday while reportedly eating another naked man’s face and attempting to gouge out his eyeballs on MacArthur Causeway in downtown Miami.  It turned out to be his last meal; not what I probably would have chosen, but to each his own.

Rumors are swirling about what might have precipitated the attack, ranging from cocaine psychosis to LSD to “bath salts” to the start of the long-anticipated zombie apocalypse.  As a devotee of Occam’s Razor, I’m going with a fundamental and tragic misunderstanding of the game of ice hockey and the concept of the face-off, but only time might tell.

Currently, the only witness to come forward regarding the attack is Larry Vega, a bicyclist who was riding on the causeway that connects downtown Miami to Miami Beach.  “The guy was, like, tearing him to pieces with his mouth, so I told him, ‘Get off!’ ” Vega said. “The guy just kept eating the other guy away, like, ripping his skin.”  Telling the man to “get off” proved woefully ineffective, apparently, so Vega flagged down a Miami police officer who proved to be more potent in the effort to stop Eugene from noshing on the other man’s mug.…

Syracuse, NY — Aaron Hickman, 20, is facing charges of assault and child endangerment, after reportedly admitting to pouring bleach in his nephews’ milk after an argument with the boys’ parents.

Hickman, an apparent mooch, told police he and his brother had argued about Hickman’s lack of financial contributions to the household in the month and a half he had been staying there.

In his statement to police, Hickman claimed his brother and the mother of the two boys called him names and accused him of being “slow and stupid.”

Hickman apparently decided he had had enough of their bad-mouthin’ and decided to move out. Before he did, though, he went and proved ’em right….

“There was a bleach bottle in the kitchen,” Hickman told police. “I took the bleach and I poured it into a milk container that was in the refrigerator.”

In addition to fouling the milk, Hickman also admitted to pouring bleach into a bottle of mouthwash in the couple’s bathroom.

After drinking the spiked milk on Thursday, the boys, ages 1 and 3, became violently ill with severe vomiting and diarrhea.…

Athens, GA — I normally wouldn’t post a shoplifting story, but because this woman has a fantabulous mugshot and a “shopping list” to die for, I figured I’d give it a go.

Meet Lonneshia Shafaye Appling – the 340-pound, 26-year-old woman was recently busted with a bag of pilfered goodies outside an Athens Piggly Wiggly supermarket.

According to the charging documents, another customer inside the store informed employees that she had witnessed Appling concealing numerous grocery items in a canvas bag as she perused the aisles.

When Appling approached the cash register and placed just one item on the belt, the employee questioned her about the other items allegedly concealed in her bag. And with that, Appling made a mad dash for the exit.

Employee Johnathon Orr was right on her heels, though, and when he attempted to stop the heifer from leaving the premises, he was rewarded with a dose of pepper spray to the face. When that didn’t take Orr down, Appling reportedly delivered a right hook and a loogie.…