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Salt Lake City, UT – A leader of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS) has been charged with first-degree felony aggravated assault, first-degree felony aggravated burglary, second-degree felony sexual abuse of a child, and second-degree felony forcible sexual abuse after allegedly groping a 13-year-old girl, grabbing her mother’s bare breast, and biting the penis of the girl’s brother.

The suspect has been serving as the LDS branch president for a Spanish-speaking ward in Salt Lake County.

I have to admit that I take a small measure of joy in reporting stories like this; not because of the suffering of the victims, of course, but in the reporting of the transgressions of religious “pillars of the community.”  I really dislike religion for any host of reasons, and you can stop reading now if you think that’s douchey, because it’s not going to get any better, as Mormonism is near the top of my “most hated” list.

LDS is an excellent target for me, since I view Mormonism as more of a dangerous cult prone to pedophilia than anything else. …

Karate Kid Whacks On Cop

August 8, 2012 at 11:17 am by  

Spartanburg, NC – Tracey McSwain, 40, was arrested for hitting and attempting to bite a police officer after assuming the “Crane Stance” and claiming to be The Karate Kid.

Deputies say that McSwain’s sister called them, seeking medical attention for her sibling, who had admitted to taking methamphetamine and huffing gasoline earlier in the day.  Reports indicate that when officers arriving on the scene asked McSwain her name, she put her two arms in the air, lifted one leg, and claimed to be The Karate Kid.

Now, I don’t claim to be a Karate Kid expert by any means, but I know enough that, even as a straight male, I’d sooner enter into a threesome with Ralph Macchio and Pat Morita than lay my penis within ten yards of this beast; even considering Morita’s current state of health.

McSwain, perhaps adopting a new twist to “wax on,” allegedly slapped a deputy, breaking her glasses.  She also reportedly attempted to bite another officer, which seems more Mike Tyson than Daniel LaRusso to me, but I’m a lover, not a fighter. …

Man Stabbed For Slapping Sunburned Butt

August 7, 2012 at 2:01 pm by  

Bethlehem, PA – Tiffany E. Sherry, 24, is charged with aggravated assault, reckless endangerment, terroristic threats and harassment after allegedly stabbing her boyfriend, Michael Martinez, with whom she shares two children.

The stabbing was reportedly a response to Martinez smacking Sherry’s sunburned rump as she washed dishes in their home on Monday.  Martinez told police that he meant it as a “joke,” since he knew it would sting a bit, but it became apparent that only one of them found it amusing when Sherry allegedly began threatening him with a steak knife.

Martinez says that he backed into the living room where their two children were and asked her, “What are you going to do?  Stab me in front of the children?”  That was a good question, for which Sherry had an excellent answer.  She simply asked the children to leave the room.

Once they were gone, Sherry reportedly poked Martinez in the stomach with the knife…then in the shoulder…and when he turned to get away, the back.

Something tells me there was a little more to this story than just a sunburned ass sustaining a playful slap.…

West Hartford, CT – Jonathan Brink, 27, was arrested this weekend after brawling with police following a drunken quest for sex.

Brink, who was a guest in a house at 65 Arnold Way, was way horny this weekend.  Now, I think it’s pretty rude for any host to allow a guest to go sexually frustrated, but it apparently happens on occasion.  That must be why Brink reportedly walked to a neighboring house and pounded on the front door, announcing that he wanted to have sex with the homeowner’s wife.  He is not believed to have known that homeowner, nor his wife, which makes his proposal slightly out of the ordinary outside the state of Florida.

Brink left the home without attempting to break in, which leads me to believe that he did not deserve the anonymous sex he was seeking anyway.  When he returned to 65 Arnold Way, the object of his affections called the police.

When officers arrived, they reportedly found Brink highly intoxicated, obnoxious, and violent.  They say that he attempted to bite them and spit at them, which is no way to treat law enforcement officers unless you want to wind up looking like Brink’s mugshot. …

Zhejiang province, China – 41-year-old Fei Lin was asleep when several men burst into his home at about 4 AM, placed a bag over his head, cut his penis off, and left with it.

I have to admit that I haven’t slept very well since reading this story a few days ago, having had a similar scare this past winter.  One night in February, I awoke in the wee hours, somewhat dazed and a little confused; you know, my normal state.  In any case, I checked around for my penis, which is the first thing every male does upon waking, only to find it apparently gone.  As it turns out, I had merely left the window open and inadvertently kicked my covers to the floor.  I was able to locate my frigid, recoiled member with some effort, but the initial terror has stayed with me to this day.

My heart goes out to Fei Lin, who apparently has no hope of a Bobbitt-esque reattachment and subsequent pornography career, as the thieves made off with his severed schween under the cover of darkness. …

Portage, IN — Police arrested 30-year-old Christopher Niloff after they say he beat his pregnant girlfriend, his father, and his uncle before trying to tie them to lawn chairs with an extension cord.

This all started last week when Christopher and his 20-year-old girlfriend began to argue inside a parked car because she did not want to drive him to Valparaiso. Niloff became enraged and proceeded to hulk out on the car’s dashboard.

Niloff’s father, who happened to witness the commotion, came out to defuse his son’s hissy fit. This only further enraged Christoper, who got out of the car and began pummeling his 61-year-old father in the chest.

Also witness to this unfolding train wreck was Niloff’s 65-year-old uncle who decided the best course of action would be to call the cops and let them handle it. Niloff disagreed and charged his uncle before snatching away his phone. Now having the upper hand in the situation, Niloff allegedly grabbed his future baby’s mama by the throat and shoved her into a patio chair before ordering his dad and uncle to sit next to her or he would kill them all.…

Philadelphia, PA – Five teenaged boys were arrested Thursday, accused of raping a 12-year-old girl in an upstairs stairwell of Francis Myers Recreation Center in the Kingsessing section of Southwest Philadelphia.

Four of the boys had been apprehended by Thursday afternoon, and the fifth was brought to the Special Victims Unit hours later by his aunt.

The suspects, who have been charged with rape, simple assault, and other offenses, are 14 and 15 years old.

The victim told police that she was approached by the boys on Monday night and they started talking to her.  However, the situation changed at some point and they lured her to a stairwell and attacked her.  At the time of the assault, the facility was being used for line dancing and basketball, so it was full of teenagers.  When a staff member noticed the suspects fleeing the scene and entered the stairwell, the girl was found.

I don’t know about you people, but I don’t hear about gang rapes by 14-year-old boys on a daily basis. …

Sandy Springs, GA – Emmanuel Alfredo Tadeo, 27, was charged with cruelty to animals, aggravated assault, and aggravated battery last month after allegedly kicking his 40-year-old girlfriend’s Pomeranian to death and then beating her with its carcass.

Police reports indicate that a disagreement between Tadeo and his girlfriend, Andrea Armintrout, escalated out of control, causing Tadeo to take the dog outside Armintrout’s condo and kick it repeatedly because, you know, that’s pretty much where any heated argument needs to go eventually.  Armintrout scooped up the Pomeranian, a breed that natural selection would never have allowed, and brought it inside.

Tadeo apparently wasn’t even close to finished, however.  He reportedly followed her inside, took the dog back, and continued to kick it until his initial goal had been fully realized; well, not quite fully, as he had still yet to beat her with the dead dog’s body, which he then proceeded to do.

In an interesting twist, Armintrout was subsequently booked on obstruction charges for refusing to cooperate with investigators. …

SACRAMENTO, CA — A woman was arrested after she allegedly slapped her boyfriend for bringing her the wrong brand of beer.

Danielle Holt’s boyfriend called 911 Wednesday night to report he had been assaulted by his drunken catch. When sheriff’s deputies arrived, the man told them that Holt had gotten drunk and wanted to get drunker. Since the 27-year-old had no more beer to achieve this, she got him to walk to a nearby store to purchase more.

He said that when he returned Holt became angry over his choice of beer. When he refused to go back to get the brand she wanted, she slapped him across the face.

But Holt wasn’t quite through being a drunken cunt. Police say she was fighting and screaming the entire time they tried to get her into custody and had to physically remove her from the house. After kicking a chair at her boyfriend and kicking at the deputies as they tried to get her into the patrol car, she was safely transported to jail after being placed in a Hobble restraint.…

Carlisle, UK – A man has pleaded guilty to assaulting his girlfriend after the couple got into an argument over her constant reading of the terrible bestseller, Fifty Shades of Grey.

Police say 31-year-old Raymond Hodgson and his girlfriend, Emma McCormick, got into an argument when she would not stop reading aloud passages from the book that Hodgson felt was “pornographic” and “distasteful.” The argument carried over to the next day through text messages that eventually got personal.

Raymond got so angry with Emma that when he visited her later that evening she would not let him in the house and tried to shut the door on him. But Raymond wedged his foot int he door, slapped her once in the face, and then squirted her in the face with a bottle of steak sauce. Raymond denies ever slapping Emma, but admits that he did squirt her with steak sauce to show her what “saucy” really meant. Har! Har!

Raymond’s lawyer says that his client regrets ever doing this and has since apologized.…

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL– Two years ago we reported on Wayne Treacy, the then 15-year-old who used some steel-toed boots to turn a 15-year-old girl’s brains into a bowl of mashed potatoes because he got upset over some texts she had sent him. Today, opening statements started in Treacy’s attempted murder trial.

Here’s a little background for those of you unfamiliar with this case. Treacy was in a relationship with 13-year-old Kayla Manson, who attended Deerfield Beach Middle School. She did not have a cell phone, so Treacy texted her friend, 15-year-old Josie Lou Ratley, asking about his girlfriend’s whereabouts.

Ratley didn’t know Treacy very well, but she let him know that she did not approve of him dating her friend. This lead to the two sending a series of heated, barely literate text messages back and forth, messages that sent Treacy into a fit of rage.

But the message that really sent Treacy over the edge was the message in which Ratley tells references Treacy’s dead brother. Treacy’s older brother had committed suicide five months earlier by hanging himself from a tree in front of a church.…

Palm Springs, FL — A 70-year-old woman is facing felony charges after being accused of using a pair of industrial scissors to try and cut off her husband’s dick.

According to reports, Virginia Valdez and her 62-year-old husband were engaged in some oral sex when Valdez said she wanted to go brush her teeth. When she returned, she was brandishing a pair of industrial scissors and used them to attack her husband’s penis.

Her husband jumped up and screamed in pain before running into the bathroom to grab a towel and use it to apply pressure to the wound. He drove himself to the hospital and called 911 while on his way there.

“The bitch tried to cut my dick off,” he informed the dispatcher.

He did not suffer any life-threatening injuries, but did receive four stitches and was released later that evening.

Officers arrested Valdez at the couple’s home without incident and she would be charged with assault with a deadly weapon and inflicting corporal injury on a spouse.

ALTOONA, PA — It’s amazing that God sees to it that couples able to provide a loving household for a child are not able to conceive or adopt one, but will seemingly ensure the biggest morons are equipped with vaginas capable of shooting out babies like a rapid-fire Pez dispenser.

Case in point, 31-year-old Carla Murphy. Two days after this picture was taken of Murphy and her new baby, hospital staff called police when she began shouting, cursing and being aggressive towards several nurses. Believing she was on some kind of drugs that they did not give her, doctors decided to keep her at the hospital to be evaluated by mental health professionals.

As they were escorting her back to her room, Murphy ran into the bathroom where she stripped naked and began rolling around on the floor. She was unable to answer basic questions, but began berating the nurses helping her to her room as well as the responding police officers. After telling police they could search her belongings, they searched her purse and found a dismantled black pen with residue of a substance inside, a lighter and some white powder that Murphy called Disco — a street name for bath salts.…

WINTER HAVEN, FL – A Polk County man was arrested over the weekend after allegedly accosting three women with a 4-foot-long sword and a peanut butter sandwich.

The melee reportedly began when Mark Miller, 50, was disturbed by noise the women were making outside of his mobile home. Miller is said to have exited his trailer angrily, brandishing the blade and his late night snack. At some point during the scuffle that ensued, according to responding officers, Miller jabbed the more dangerous and metallic weapon at a woman’s stomach, one Brandi Bodiford, who happened to be 6 months pregnant.

Fortunately for Bodiford and her unborn child, she was able to grab the blade before being skewered and her friend, Taylor Grimes, stepped between her and Miller. Miller then smeared his remaining weapon, the peanut butter sandwich, on the chest of the third woman, Cierra Harwell.

Deputies arrived to detain and transport Miller to Polk County Jail, but before the trip was completed Miller used his teeth to cause $550 worth of damage to the padding on the squad car’s cage partition.…

Port St. Lucie, FL – Robert Gabriel Gernot, 54, was arrested on a misdemeanor assault charge for threatening to kick his neighbor’s ass, but only after he’d taken care some business of his own, apparently.

Gernot’s neighbor stopped by on June 17th and attempted to engage him in conversation, to which Gernot responded that he was not in any mood to talk.  And who could blame him?  After all, he’d probably been out at sea all day, dragging nets, hauling them up, and battling the elements.  Oh, wait.  That’s the Gordon’s fisherman.  Perhaps something else was bothering him, right?

At some point, it is believed that the neighbor threatened to beat Gernot’s ass, though Gernot later told a deputy that he never actually felt threatened.

Realizing that Gernot was probably in need of a break from his hectic beard-growing job, the neighbor went back home and returned with a beer and a cigarette, presumably to serve as a peace offering.  He also took care of some planting he’d promised Gernot’s mother he would do in her yard.…

Phoenix, AZ — A 14-year-old boy stopped a wannabe burglar in his tracks, critically injuring the man as he brandished a gun at the teen and his three siblings Friday afternoon.

According to police, the boy and his siblings, ages 8, 10 and 12, were home alone when a strange woman rang the doorbell that afternoon. The teen later told police he didn’t answer the door because he didn’t recognize the woman.

A short time later, the teen heard someone banging on the door. He gathered his siblings and rushed them upstairs, stopping to retrieve a handgun from his parent’s bedroom.

As the boy stood at the top of the stairs, he saw a man break through the front door and aim a gun at him. Before the intruder could get a shot off the kid fired, effectively altering the intruder’s plans.

Police say the unidentified 37-year-old man was transported to the hospital in extremely critical condition. He has since been upgraded to critical condition and is expected to survive.…

CHARLOTTE, NC — Police have arrested 33-year-old Regina Terry after they say she threw a pan of hot grease on her neighbors this past Sunday, burning two adults and four children.

Neighbors say that Terry has had an ongoing dispute with her neighbors, the McLean family. The altercations never turned physical, and usually consisted of them yelling at each other. But this past Sunday, Terry skipped past simple assault and went straight to assault with a deadly weapon and malicious maiming.

After Terry and the McLeans got into another argument, the McLean family–two adult sisters and their children, ages 10, 8, 6, and 22 months–were on the phone with police when Terry threw hot grease from a pan inside the McLean’s apartment.

Everyone in the McLean family was burned in some fashion. Four of the victims were taken to Chapel Hill burn center. One of the adults and her 22-month-old son suffered injuries so bad that they had to be airlifted. Two others were treated at a local hospital while another refused treatment.…

Laredo, TX —  The mother of a 6-year-old child says a teacher instructed an entire classroom of kindergartners to line up and slap her son because of his alleged bullying. Now two Salinas Elementary School teachers have been placed on leave, and the mother of the boy wants criminal charges filed.

The incident happened in May, but the boy never told his mother about it. It only came to light after one of the teachers present alerted school officials two weeks after it happened, and after a police report of the incident reached the county district attorney.

There’s two versions of what happened, neither of which are acceptable, but the mother’s version is a bit more extreme while the teacher’s version is a bit more believable.

According to the mother, her son admits he had been acting up in line. His teacher, described as “relatively young,” asked another teacher what she should do to curtail his bullying. The other teacher took the boy into her classroom and had him sit down before instructing 24 other kindergartners to file past him and give him a nice slap.…