Girl, 3, Dies After Father Accidentally Runs Her Over With Riding Lawn MowerMan Strangled His Two Infant Sons To Death Before Hanging HimselfTopless Model Killed As She's Filmed Hanging Out Of Car WindowMan Accused Of Ripping Out Woman's Eyeballs During Domestic Assault50 Dead After Gunman Shoots At Vegas Outdoor Music Festival From Hotel RoomBoy Beat To Death With Hammer While Protecting Sister From MolestationGirl Dies After 325-pound Cousin Sits On Her As PunishmentMan Called Wife To Say He Drowned Their Baby Daughter In BathtubMom Didn't Call 911 For Dying Daughter Because She Was Low On MinutesWoman Killed Her Autistic Son By Setting Him On Fire In Bathtub

Cumberland, MD – Timothy Spiker, 32, was arrested for a rampage that was reportedly sparked by a lack of Internet connectivity.

Please don’t allow Spiker’s athletic garb fool you.  He probably doesn’t get out and run around much, judging from his mugshot, which indicates a soft, girthy build and reminds me far too much of Blaster from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. 

People who are accustomed to a sedentary, inactive lifestyle often become dependent upon the Internet for things such as masturbatory fodder, online role-playing games, images suitable for pole-stroking, tweeting misspelled opinions of the latest XBox releases, jacking off, searching for people who might accept a Facebook friend request, and finally, auto-ejaculatory hobbyism.  Did I forget downloading the latest Nickelback single?  When these needs are not met, things can sometimes get a bit dicey.

In any case, Spiker was reportedly so upset about his predicament that the police needed to be called.  When they arrived, at around 8:30 AM, they attempted to talk him down, and thought they had succeeded.  They left the residence, and then the fun began.…

WEST HAVEN, CT — Police in Connecticut have arrested a man after they say he bit his girlfriend’s 5-year-old child as a form of discipline.

Brian Keil, 25, was watching his girlfriend’s two children, ages 5 and 8-years-old, when the siblings got into the fight over a toy. In response to the 5-year-old biting the 8-year-old, Keil figured he would teach the younger child a lesson — and bit the child on the arm.

I often bite unattended children in the mall, but that is purely for fun. The act of biting a child as a form of punishment for biting is just stupid. It does nothing to prevent the child from doing it in the future and can even make the situation worse. It’s also illegal.

If Keil didn’t know this beforehand, he found out when the children’s father arrived to pick them up. When he learned what Keil did to his child, and saw the mark on the child’s arm, he immediately took the 5-year-old to the police station and showed the cops the very visible bite mark Keil had left.…

Park Ridge, IL — Police in Illinois have charged man with assault after they say he approached a 16-year-old girl he didn’t know, threw her to the ground, and then spanked her.

According to reports, 37-year-old Anthony Nugent approached the teen as she walked down the street Wednesday afternoon while carrying a musical instrument in a black case. Nugent approached the girl and asked what was in the case she was carrying. He became aggressive when she told him it was a musical instrument but refused to open the case so he could see it.

She tried ignoring him and continued walking, but Nugent allegedly continued to harass and badger the girl. When the girl continued to ignore him, Nugent reportedly grabbed the teen by the neck and head then threw her to the ground. The two got into a struggle during which Nugent ripped the teen’s shorts and used his hand to smack her ass several times.

Nugent fled the area on foot, but a passing motorist witnessed the incident and called 911.…

Montgomery County, TX – Robin Alyse Scott, 21, and Renee Rose Williams, 23, were arrested Tuesday night at around 6:30 PM in an apparent drunken road rage incident that has stupidity written all over it.

The incident started when Anita Beskoon reportedly noticed a Mitsubishi behind her, swerving in and out of lanes, following too closely, and honking the horn.  The minivan Beskoon was driving contained four small children at the time.  Beskoon reports that the Mitsubishi, ironically bearing the vanity license plate “YAY ME”, bumped her minivan from behind.  She pulled over to the side of the road and confronted Scott, the driver, and Williams, the passenger, who were in the offending car.  They reportedly began screaming and cursing at Beskoon, who pulled out her cell phone and informed them that she was calling police.

One can only imagine that Beskoon had perhaps inadvertently made a maneuver that displeased the drunken pair, who quickly retreated to their car and drove off.  Beskoon got back into her car and began driving as well, only to see the YAY-mobile make another appearance; this time pulling up along side her, the occupants screaming angrily and making obscene gestures.…

FARMINGTON, Maine – Police arrested a woman after they say she punched and kicked a female rival in the checkout line of a Walmart. God knows I have wanted to do this on occasion whenever someone in front of me pulls out their checkbook after they just watched their fifty items get rung up in slow motion, but this was more of a domestic issue.

According to reports, 32-year-old Sarah Hanson and her husband were shopping in Walmart when Hanson found her husband talking with another woman inside the store. Hanson ran up to the woman and let out a string of obscenities before leaving the store with her husband.

Outside in the parking lot, Hanson and her husband got into an argument that ended with Hanson going back inside the Walmart where she found the other woman standing in the checkout line. Witnesses say Hanson called the woman a name before punching her in the face. After the woman fell to the ground, Hanson allegedly began kicking her before leaving the scene.…

SPARTANBURG, SC — Police say a man got so upset over his son-in-laws’s “yo’ mamma” jokes that he cut the comedian with a knife and threatened to kill him.

Police were stopped by a bloody man who told them he had just been cut by his father-in-law, 72-year-old Marvin Tutt. He says that he, Tutt, and another man were riding together and were engaged in a bit of trash talking that eventually turned to “yo’ momma” jokes.

An extremely intoxicated Tutt became angry over the jokes about his mother and expressed his displeasure by putting a knife to his son-in-law’s throat and threatening to kill him. When the victim tried to get out of the car, Tutt cut him. The man says that after he got out of the car, Tutt chased after him, but returned back to the vehicle.

Police pulled over the vehicle and arrested Tutt, charging him with aggravated assault and battery. It must of been one hell of a joke because police say Tutt was still fuming over it in the back of the patrol car where he stated he “should have killed” his son-in-law and that he was going to murder him.…

Gainsville, FL – Kristin Sabella, 42, was arrested Sunday and charged with damage to property over $200 and aggravated assault after allegedly stabbing her boyfriend’s dog and SUV during an argument.

The accused’s boyfriend was simply returning some keys, possibly because he had recently become aware that sex with crazy chicks is usually pretty freaky-good, but probably not worth it in the long-term.  An argument ensued, and Sabella reportedly grabbed a knife and chased him with it.  In the process of what was likely a fairly whacky episode, Sabella is believed to have stabbed the hood of her boyfriend’s SUV, as well as the backside of his dog, causing 1.5-inch stab wound and a 3-inch cut next to it.

Now, when I hear about a dog being stabbed in the hind-quarters, I immediately assume it’s got something to do with an illegal alien and a porksword.  Not the case here.  It’s also worth noting that Sabella was able to puncture the hood of an SUV with a knife.  I’ve never tried it, admittedly, but it sounds pretty hardcore to me, unless it was a Ginsu knife, of course, since those mother-effers can cut through freakin’ anything like it’s butter and never, ever need sharpening!…

GREER, SC — Police have arrested a public works commissioner after they say he assaulted his wife with a key lime pie.

Police were called to the home of 51-year-old Perry Williams after his wife called 911 Saturday night. Once there, the police observed  Williams’ wife with a bloody nose, a scratch on her face, and covered in key lime pie.

She told them that she had accidentally dropped some pie on her husband as they argued over whether or not key lime pie was a fruit. In response, she says he became angry and threw the pie in her face. She also told officers that this isn’t the first time her husband has acted violent towards her, it was just the first time she had ever reported it.

After giving police her statement, the woman said she did not want to press charges against her husband. The officers informed her that because they observed injuries, her deciding not to press charges didn’t matter, her husband would be charged by the state.…

Salt Lake City, UT – A leader of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS) has been charged with first-degree felony aggravated assault, first-degree felony aggravated burglary, second-degree felony sexual abuse of a child, and second-degree felony forcible sexual abuse after allegedly groping a 13-year-old girl, grabbing her mother’s bare breast, and biting the penis of the girl’s brother.

The suspect has been serving as the LDS branch president for a Spanish-speaking ward in Salt Lake County.

I have to admit that I take a small measure of joy in reporting stories like this; not because of the suffering of the victims, of course, but in the reporting of the transgressions of religious “pillars of the community.”  I really dislike religion for any host of reasons, and you can stop reading now if you think that’s douchey, because it’s not going to get any better, as Mormonism is near the top of my “most hated” list.

LDS is an excellent target for me, since I view Mormonism as more of a dangerous cult prone to pedophilia than anything else. …

Karate Kid Whacks On Cop

August 8, 2012 at 11:17 am by  

Spartanburg, NC – Tracey McSwain, 40, was arrested for hitting and attempting to bite a police officer after assuming the “Crane Stance” and claiming to be The Karate Kid.

Deputies say that McSwain’s sister called them, seeking medical attention for her sibling, who had admitted to taking methamphetamine and huffing gasoline earlier in the day.  Reports indicate that when officers arriving on the scene asked McSwain her name, she put her two arms in the air, lifted one leg, and claimed to be The Karate Kid.

Now, I don’t claim to be a Karate Kid expert by any means, but I know enough that, even as a straight male, I’d sooner enter into a threesome with Ralph Macchio and Pat Morita than lay my penis within ten yards of this beast; even considering Morita’s current state of health.

McSwain, perhaps adopting a new twist to “wax on,” allegedly slapped a deputy, breaking her glasses.  She also reportedly attempted to bite another officer, which seems more Mike Tyson than Daniel LaRusso to me, but I’m a lover, not a fighter. …

Man Stabbed For Slapping Sunburned Butt

August 7, 2012 at 2:01 pm by  

Bethlehem, PA – Tiffany E. Sherry, 24, is charged with aggravated assault, reckless endangerment, terroristic threats and harassment after allegedly stabbing her boyfriend, Michael Martinez, with whom she shares two children.

The stabbing was reportedly a response to Martinez smacking Sherry’s sunburned rump as she washed dishes in their home on Monday.  Martinez told police that he meant it as a “joke,” since he knew it would sting a bit, but it became apparent that only one of them found it amusing when Sherry allegedly began threatening him with a steak knife.

Martinez says that he backed into the living room where their two children were and asked her, “What are you going to do?  Stab me in front of the children?”  That was a good question, for which Sherry had an excellent answer.  She simply asked the children to leave the room.

Once they were gone, Sherry reportedly poked Martinez in the stomach with the knife…then in the shoulder…and when he turned to get away, the back.

Something tells me there was a little more to this story than just a sunburned ass sustaining a playful slap.…

West Hartford, CT – Jonathan Brink, 27, was arrested this weekend after brawling with police following a drunken quest for sex.

Brink, who was a guest in a house at 65 Arnold Way, was way horny this weekend.  Now, I think it’s pretty rude for any host to allow a guest to go sexually frustrated, but it apparently happens on occasion.  That must be why Brink reportedly walked to a neighboring house and pounded on the front door, announcing that he wanted to have sex with the homeowner’s wife.  He is not believed to have known that homeowner, nor his wife, which makes his proposal slightly out of the ordinary outside the state of Florida.

Brink left the home without attempting to break in, which leads me to believe that he did not deserve the anonymous sex he was seeking anyway.  When he returned to 65 Arnold Way, the object of his affections called the police.

When officers arrived, they reportedly found Brink highly intoxicated, obnoxious, and violent.  They say that he attempted to bite them and spit at them, which is no way to treat law enforcement officers unless you want to wind up looking like Brink’s mugshot. …

Zhejiang province, China – 41-year-old Fei Lin was asleep when several men burst into his home at about 4 AM, placed a bag over his head, cut his penis off, and left with it.

I have to admit that I haven’t slept very well since reading this story a few days ago, having had a similar scare this past winter.  One night in February, I awoke in the wee hours, somewhat dazed and a little confused; you know, my normal state.  In any case, I checked around for my penis, which is the first thing every male does upon waking, only to find it apparently gone.  As it turns out, I had merely left the window open and inadvertently kicked my covers to the floor.  I was able to locate my frigid, recoiled member with some effort, but the initial terror has stayed with me to this day.

My heart goes out to Fei Lin, who apparently has no hope of a Bobbitt-esque reattachment and subsequent pornography career, as the thieves made off with his severed schween under the cover of darkness. …

Portage, IN — Police arrested 30-year-old Christopher Niloff after they say he beat his pregnant girlfriend, his father, and his uncle before trying to tie them to lawn chairs with an extension cord.

This all started last week when Christopher and his 20-year-old girlfriend began to argue inside a parked car because she did not want to drive him to Valparaiso. Niloff became enraged and proceeded to hulk out on the car’s dashboard.

Niloff’s father, who happened to witness the commotion, came out to defuse his son’s hissy fit. This only further enraged Christoper, who got out of the car and began pummeling his 61-year-old father in the chest.

Also witness to this unfolding train wreck was Niloff’s 65-year-old uncle who decided the best course of action would be to call the cops and let them handle it. Niloff disagreed and charged his uncle before snatching away his phone. Now having the upper hand in the situation, Niloff allegedly grabbed his future baby’s mama by the throat and shoved her into a patio chair before ordering his dad and uncle to sit next to her or he would kill them all.…

Philadelphia, PA – Five teenaged boys were arrested Thursday, accused of raping a 12-year-old girl in an upstairs stairwell of Francis Myers Recreation Center in the Kingsessing section of Southwest Philadelphia.

Four of the boys had been apprehended by Thursday afternoon, and the fifth was brought to the Special Victims Unit hours later by his aunt.

The suspects, who have been charged with rape, simple assault, and other offenses, are 14 and 15 years old.

The victim told police that she was approached by the boys on Monday night and they started talking to her.  However, the situation changed at some point and they lured her to a stairwell and attacked her.  At the time of the assault, the facility was being used for line dancing and basketball, so it was full of teenagers.  When a staff member noticed the suspects fleeing the scene and entered the stairwell, the girl was found.

I don’t know about you people, but I don’t hear about gang rapes by 14-year-old boys on a daily basis. …

Sandy Springs, GA – Emmanuel Alfredo Tadeo, 27, was charged with cruelty to animals, aggravated assault, and aggravated battery last month after allegedly kicking his 40-year-old girlfriend’s Pomeranian to death and then beating her with its carcass.

Police reports indicate that a disagreement between Tadeo and his girlfriend, Andrea Armintrout, escalated out of control, causing Tadeo to take the dog outside Armintrout’s condo and kick it repeatedly because, you know, that’s pretty much where any heated argument needs to go eventually.  Armintrout scooped up the Pomeranian, a breed that natural selection would never have allowed, and brought it inside.

Tadeo apparently wasn’t even close to finished, however.  He reportedly followed her inside, took the dog back, and continued to kick it until his initial goal had been fully realized; well, not quite fully, as he had still yet to beat her with the dead dog’s body, which he then proceeded to do.

In an interesting twist, Armintrout was subsequently booked on obstruction charges for refusing to cooperate with investigators. …

SACRAMENTO, CA — A woman was arrested after she allegedly slapped her boyfriend for bringing her the wrong brand of beer.

Danielle Holt’s boyfriend called 911 Wednesday night to report he had been assaulted by his drunken catch. When sheriff’s deputies arrived, the man told them that Holt had gotten drunk and wanted to get drunker. Since the 27-year-old had no more beer to achieve this, she got him to walk to a nearby store to purchase more.

He said that when he returned Holt became angry over his choice of beer. When he refused to go back to get the brand she wanted, she slapped him across the face.

But Holt wasn’t quite through being a drunken cunt. Police say she was fighting and screaming the entire time they tried to get her into custody and had to physically remove her from the house. After kicking a chair at her boyfriend and kicking at the deputies as they tried to get her into the patrol car, she was safely transported to jail after being placed in a Hobble restraint.…

Carlisle, UK – A man has pleaded guilty to assaulting his girlfriend after the couple got into an argument over her constant reading of the terrible bestseller, Fifty Shades of Grey.

Police say 31-year-old Raymond Hodgson and his girlfriend, Emma McCormick, got into an argument when she would not stop reading aloud passages from the book that Hodgson felt was “pornographic” and “distasteful.” The argument carried over to the next day through text messages that eventually got personal.

Raymond got so angry with Emma that when he visited her later that evening she would not let him in the house and tried to shut the door on him. But Raymond wedged his foot int he door, slapped her once in the face, and then squirted her in the face with a bottle of steak sauce. Raymond denies ever slapping Emma, but admits that he did squirt her with steak sauce to show her what “saucy” really meant. Har! Har!

Raymond’s lawyer says that his client regrets ever doing this and has since apologized.…