According to the police report, Thaddeus Morgan slapped and pushed his sister, 23-year-old Cynthia, after she confronted him about leaving the toilet seat up.
At some point during the verbal argument between the two, Cynthia claimed, Thaddeus pushed her and broke her glasses. When she attempted to dial 911, she told police, Thaddeus took her cellphone.
Thaddeus admitted to slapping his sister with an open hand, grabbing her wrists, pushing her and interfering with her phone call, but insists she was throwing toys at him.
The two were separated, told to grow the fuck up and sent to their rooms without dinner. Erm, I mean, Thaddeus was arrested for interfering with an emergency call, a felony, and misdemeanor assault.
Personally, I always look before I sit so I don’t really give two shits about whether the seat is up or down. I will, however, cut a motherfucker if the seat is down and wet.…Continue Reading
Officers were dispatched to the Porter Walmart on the afternoon of February 28, to deal with an alleged shoplifter. There they found 24-year-old Charlene Ellet. She informed officers that her half-brother, 26-year-old Cameron Beck, had driven her and her toddler twins to the store. A short time later, Beck appeared at the Loss Prevention office looking for Charlene.
For whatever reason, police requested a search of Beck’s car. He consented because he’s obviously an idiot. Anyway, the search revealed a “light bulb with burn marks and a cut pen with a crystalline substance on it.” Surprise! That substance reportedly tested positive for meth. Ellet admitted she and Beck had smoked the meth about two weeks prior. Ellet was issued a citation for shoplifting under $50, and both were taken into custody for possession of a controlled substance.
It was then, police say, that Beck asked the arresting officer if they could just charge Ellet because she had a clean record.…Continue Reading
Albuquerque, NM — Cara Claffy, 35, is being held at the Bernalillo County jail, charged with domestic violence and aggravated battery of a family member, after allegedly knocking her mother upside the head with a vibrator.
60-year-old Sheryl Claffy called police Sunday to report that her spawn struck her on the head with the device, leaving her bloodied, and was attempting to leave the residence they shared.
Mom told police she was just sitting there watching tv, when an argument between herself and her daughter erupted. It was then, she said, that Cara grabbed the electric vibrator and whacked her in the dome.
She pointed out a pickup truck sitting nearby, and informed officers that her daughter was inside. She wasn’t. The alleged weapon, however, was. An officer retrieved the vibrator from the floor of the vehicle. A detailed description of the device has not been made available.
Cara was apprehended after exiting a nearby home. She told officers she argued with her mother, but she didn’t harm the woman. In fact, Cara said, the old lady just came out of a room, all bloody and stuff, and informed her that she had hit herself in the head with the vibrator.…Continue Reading
According to the victim’s report, Holland America cruise line employee Ketut Pujayasa, 28, appeared in her darkened room in the middle of the night and punched, strangled, and raped her.
Objects he used in the assault included a curling iron, a laptop computer, and a phone cord. She reportedly lost consciousness at least once during the incident. Prosecutors say the attack left her “covered in blood from head to toe.”
Pujayasa joins a long list of other people who seem to be trying to show the world that Florida-based crime is a little weirder and more extreme than the rest of the country. . .
The assault happened on Valentine’s Day, and it ruined the holiday for other passengers who don’t find brutal, graphic violence romantic.
According to the FBI’s report, Pujayasa was retaliating against an insult from the victim. After he knocked three times on the victim’s door she said, “Wait a minute, son of a bitch!” This angered the Indonesian citizen so much that he plotted revenge.…Continue Reading
Philadelphia, PA – Police have arrested a moron in Philadelphia who thought it would be hilarious to film himself threatening people with a pellet gun and then post the videos online.
Police say 21-year-old Darren Stinson, a wannabe comedian, drove around with a friend filming themselves as they pointed the black pellet gun at unsuspecting pedestrians. Stinson then posted the videos on Instagram as “funniestnphilly”.
These videos include Stinson and another jackass pointing the gun at a man salting a snowy sidewalk and demanding he put the salt in their car’s trunk, leading to the man spilling the salt on the ground. Others show Stinson pointing the gun at random pedestrians and firing the gun, laughing like idiots as people dive for cover in the snow.
But Stinson saw nothing wrong with these pranks. He is soo fucking stupid, he thought it was perfectly ok to point a gun at someone as a prank. In fact, he made this comment on one of the videos: “All of this is jokes. …Continue Reading
The toddler’s mother, Krystan Lambert, told a reporter from WMUR she was walking out of the store with her 2-year-old daughter, Sonya, and another child she was babysitting, when she felt Sonya’s hand ripped from her grasp.
“All of a sudden my daughter’s on the ground crying and this woman’s reaching over, swinging at her, trying to hit her,” Lambert said.
That woman, identified as 47-year-old Lorraine Augustine, was swingin’ and refused to let up. Lambert said the woman started circling her, taunting her, trying to get at the child. Augustine apparently removed one of the child’s pink boots and attempted to beat her with it.
“She was swinging at her while I’m picking her up, trying to shield her with my body and trying to kick and push the woman away any time she got near me,” Lambert said.…Continue Reading
According to police, Travis Schelling thought other men were sending direct messages to his girlfriend on Facebook anytime one of her friend’s posts popped up on her feed. And every time he read one of those messages, he hit her. In addition to the hitting, police say, Schelling also violently shook the woman by her hair, ripping it out in clumps. It is believed that Schelling also sexually assaulted her.
Police say he held his girlfriend captive from about 11:30 Friday night to 3:00 Saturday morning, threatening to kill her, her family and her friends if she dared alert authorities. The woman finally convinced Schelling that she wasn’t going to tell, and he released her at about noon on Saturday.
Police said the victim had bruising on her face, arms, legs and a cut and swollen lip when she reported the incident.
Schelling has been booked on charges of kidnapping, sexual abuse, aggravated assault, threatening and intimidation.…Continue Reading
PORTLAND, OR – Four teens are looking at some serious charges after being accused of kidnapping and torturing one of their classmates.
Police say during a snowstorm on February 10, Jenna Montgomery, 15, lured 16-year-old Dustin Murrain into a shed behind a house. Murrain told police he had met Montgomery earlier that day at David Douglas High School, where they both attended school.
According to Murrain’s account, once he walked into the shed he encountered three teen boys and realized he had fallen for one of the oldest tricks in the book.
First he was struck in the head with a crowbar before being ordered to take off his shirt. Then 15-year-old Blue Kalmbach allegedly shot Murrain in the chest, groin and index finger with a BB gun. Kalmbach then carved a swastika into Murrain’s forehead with a box-cutter and forced Murrain to eat cat shit.
After having his iPod stolen, Murrain escaped the shed and fled to a nearby auto service shop for help. Police were called and Murrain was taken to OHSU Hospital for treatment.…Continue Reading
Anyway, police were called to the couple’s home Monday and found Ashley Marie Prenovost nekkid, bloody and drunk. It is alleged that after the boyfriend refused coitus, Prenovost went on a rampage. Police say she punched a couple of holes in the bedroom wall and smashed a picture frame, causing injuries to both of her hands.
Then, for whatever reason, Prenovost picked up the four-month-old child she shares with her boyfriend, and began carrying her around the house, yelling and screaming and bleeding all over the place. At some point during the alleged tirade, the child’s head met a dresser.…Continue Reading
According to the 56-year-old victim, when he learned the postman wasn’t delivering the aforementioned check, an agitated Kiefer snatched his pepper spray off his belt and squirted him in the eyes. This led to a wrestling match, of sorts, in the street. The mailman told police that while the two were struggling, Kiefer bit him on the leg three times.
The two were still at it when police arrived on scene. Kiefer still had a bit of fight left in him, and when officers tried to subdue him, he reportedly resisted. This earned him a pepper sprayin’.
The two were eventually pried apart and Kiefer was taken into custody. He was charged with assault and battery and resisting arrest, and was ordered held on $1,000 bond.
The mailman was treated at the scene for the bite wounds and a cut to the knee.…Continue Reading
Now, before anyone gets their panties all in a wad and accuses me of mocking domestic violence victims, a disclaimer: Domestic violence is not a laughing matter… the manner in which it is carried out, though, can be quite hilarious. That said…
Julie Evans apparently got a little pissy with the hubby last year and his reported refusal to help out with the chores. As the man lay on the couch one evening, pretending to sleep, Evans doused him water. This had no effect. Evans ended up going to bed that night, still fuming.
The next morning, the woman started an argument. Cause, you know…. women. Authorities claim she threw a piece of toast at her beloved. The man, believing the woman to be quite petty, attempted to leave the room. It was then that Evans reportedly smeared butter on his face.…Continue Reading
No word on what, exactly, it was about the freezer bags that pissed off Kwadwo Amoafo Amaniampong, but after the wife showed up with ‘em, he reportedly tossed tossed the bags onto a neighbor’s roof and kicked the woman.
After Amania… fuck that finger twisting name. After Mr. A calmed down a bit, the wife apparently approached him with the idea of a separation. Gee.. I wonder why. This did not please Mr. A, and meltdown #2 was soon in progress.
This time, police say, Mr. A’s rage was directed at his wife’s cat, which he choked and threw against a door. When the woman attempted to retrieve the pussy from underneath a couch, the man grabbed hold of a butcher knife and tried to stab the critter. The woman was eventually able to corral both of her cats and leave the house.…Continue Reading
That’s it. I have heard it all. Time to shut off the internet. Well, maybe after I finish this story….
The dick slapping incident apparently occurred sometime early Tuesday morning. A man living in the home told police he heard a knock at the door at about 3:00 that morning, and when he answered, was confronted by two males holding guns. Real guns, ya perverts.
Anyway, the two unidentified males entered the home and demanded cash. When the man who answered the door came up dry, the suspects apparently busted into a bedroom occupied by the man’s 33-year-old daughter-in-law.
Authorities say one of the men held a gun to the woman’s head and demanded money. When the woman stated she had none, one of the two whipped out his Johnson and began hitting her in the face with it. And while he’s at it, he’s yelling, “*censored* give me the money.” No word on whether the member was flaccid or at full attention.…Continue Reading
WOODLAND, WA – Teresa Hernandez is facing two counts of child abuse after the 35-year-old admitted to using a clothes iron to burn the hand of her boyfriend’s 3-year-old, then pushing him down a flight of stairs two days later.
The boy’s father was not at home during these assaults, but Hernandez explained to him that the burn on the boy’s hand came from him touching a hot iron after she had left the room. The boy’s father accepted this explanation, but took his son to the hospital two days later after noticing he was walking unsteadily.
Emergency room staff at Legacy Salmon Creek Hospital called police when they saw the third-degree burn on the back of the boy’s hand and found he was suffering from a severe head injury. The boy was taken to Randall Children’s Hospital where he underwent emergency surgery to treat his brain injury. As of Thursday morning, the boy was listed in fair condition.
When interviewed by police, Hernandez first repeated the “touched the iron” story she’d given the boy’s father.…Continue Reading
Authorities claim 18-year-old Brandon Davis, apparently high on some sort of synthetic drug, attacked his neighbor early Sunday morning, biting the man on his face, hands and neck while yelling something about eating the man’s eyeballs.
The victim, 54-year-old Nick Sorace, told police he heard a commotion at about 2:00 a.m. Sunday, and when he looked out the window to see what all the fuss was about, he witnessed Davis beating a dog.
“He thought the dog was the devil,” Sorace said. “And then the next thing he sees is me, illuminated — and all of a sudden, I’m the devil.”
Davis apparently kicked in Sorace’s front door, chased a woman through the house and out the back door, then returned. He started beating and biting Sorace, continuing with his “You’re the Devil” spiel.
“He broke a flower pot over my head, he was sticking me in the neck with pieces…he stuck his thumb all the way in my eye socket and he just ripped my mouth and he bit my face.…Continue Reading
Officers were called out to the Carolina Pride pork plant early that morning and found the victim bleeding from a hole in her neck. The woman told police she and a co-worker, identified as Johnnette Lachelle Brown, were in a room where the hogs are slaughtered and cut up for processing, when Brown accused the woman of slugging her with a hog stomach.
The victim denied doing so, pointing out to Brown that there weren’t even any hog stomachs on the table. Regardless, it was on…
After a brief verbal altercation, Brown reportedly grabbed a pair of scissors and stabbed the woman in the neck. The victim apparently managed to fend Brown off with her fists until co-workers pulled the two apart.
A witness to the alleged confrontation confirmed the victim’s story, saying there were no hog stomachs on the table in question.…Continue Reading
According to the unidentified 50-year-old victim, he and his brother, Michael Charles, were watching the Niners get their asses handed to them by the Seahawks Sunday, when Michael went to grab the last can of Pepsi.
Michael, apparently a Niner fan, had been drinking steadily throughout the day and continued to grow more and more agitated as the game dragged on. When the alleged victim asked him not to drink the last soda, shit got violent.
“Go fuck yourself,” Michael reportedly demanded. He then knocked his brother upside the dome with a metal pipe. Totally justified.
Michael then allegedly armed himself with a small knife and proceeded to stab his brother in the chest several times. In retaliation, the brother grabbed a knife and stabbed Michael in the arm. Sigh…. kinda makes me miss the family reunions I’m no longer invited to.…Continue Reading
The unidentified woman to the left entered the store at about 7:00 Wednesday evening, with two children in tow. The source article states the children, ages 1 and 7, were the women’s children, but police have yet to determine whether that’s fact.
While the woman was wandering through the store, placing items in her cart, a store clerk glanced over and watched as the woman removed a sale sticker from her purse and placed it on a toy.
At the register, the woman learned the item she placed the sticker on wasn’t on sale, and she declined the purchase. She then apparently walked out of the store with a bunch of crap in her basket that she hadn’t paid for.
The clerk, who I am sure makes minimum wage, therefore, shouldn’t give a flying fuck whether someone walked out of the damn store with half the inventory, followed. …Continue Reading
PUNTA GORDA, FL – Police have charged 77-year-old William Golladay with felony battery after he attacked a fellow Walmart shopper for having too many items in the express lane.
According to the police report, Golladay was in the express lane with two items, getting increasingly angry while on 65-year-old John Malherbe to purchase his 22 items – two items over the 20 item limit.
Malherte, who was in an motorized shopping cart after having knee surgery, said that Golladay first began loudly counting out each item Malherte had to purchase. He said Golladay became more enraged with each item, and began yelling at him.
At first Malherbe tried ignoring the man, but said he finally started yelling back when Golladay got in his face. “He kept screaming about too many groceries and stuff,” Malherbe said. “And I said, ‘What?’ I think it was the shock, of ‘What? Are you serious?’ And I kept asking my wife, ‘What?!’”
Golladay eventually went back to his shopping cart and used it to ram into Malherte, bruising his elbow.…Continue Reading
Sante Fe, NM — Jennifer McCarthy, ex-wife of author Cormac McCarthy, was booked on assault charges last week after allegedly pulling a gun out of her poonanner and aiming it at her boyfriend’s head following a heated argument about space aliens.
Let’s let that soak in a minute, shall we?
According to the police report, 48-year-old McCarthy and her unidentified boyfriend were discussing space aliens Saturday, when shit got retarded. At some point during the couple’s alien discussion, in between the ranting and raving, McCarthy’s boyfriend ordered her to stop touching him. In response, she touched him on the shoulder with her index finger… you know, like a 7-year-old. He, in turn, placed his hand on her neck. She didn’t feel threatened, she claimed, he was simply trying to keep her away from him. And then, well, it was all about masturbation and guns and crazy….
The boyfriend told police that after the verbal argument, McCarthy left the residence. Upon her return, she holed up in her bedroom for a minute — when she walked out, she was wearing lingerie.…Continue Reading