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Clayton County, Georgia A couple of teachers have found themselves in a bit of hot water. I guess it’s not such a good idea to post a love letter to your boyfriend’s Facebook when he works in the same building as you…along with his girlfriend. But that’s what happened at Rex Mill Middle School. Ebony sent her man a letter, it was intercepted by Chaka, and all hell broke loose in the hallway Monday during school. They yelled, smacks were thrown about, and the 7th and 8th graders in that school got a quick lesson from their family and consumer science teacher on the fine art of expressing one’s self. The school authorities were not enthused and once the officers were brought in, the brawling teachers were promptly arrested. …
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Mountain Home, Arkansas Armed with a face only a mother could love, a criminal past, and an axe, Jason Marshall pretty much fucked up his parole. Monday, police received a couple of distressed phone calls regarding a domestic disturbance, the second of which the victim stated she and her children were able to escape their abuser but needed medical attention. An ambulance was dispatched to intercept the patients, Elizabeth Marshall (41) and her 9-year-old son at an intersection and they were transported to a nearby hospital.…
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Richmond, California The homecoming dance took a horrible turn for a 15-year-old girl just prior to midnight Friday evening. When police drove up to Richmond High School about an hour after the dance had ended, they observed several young men fleeing the scene. Upon investigation, they found their 15-year-old victim unconscious and suffering from “different injuries indicating she had been assaulted.” The “assault” is believed to have been a gang rape that lasted for 2 hours. And if that isn’t bad enough, police say there is a high probability of there being video of the assault shot from cell phones. Those images were captured by a group of observers who refused to intervene in any way.…
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Long Bottom, Ohio Joseph Lemaster, 33-years old, must have decided upon a different approach to bonding with his 16-year-old daughter who visits him (rather visited him) on weekends. Instead of opting for catching a movie, chit-chatting across the kitchen table, or playing board games on the living room floor, Joseph allegedly got drunk and set the evening’s events in motion. According to police reports, his daughter attempted to leave his mobile home in a family car after an argument broke out. Daddy grabbed a .22-caliber rifle, shot her dog, then shot through the vehicle and struck her in the head.…
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Memphis, Tennessee – Witnessing neighbors state that when the fire broke out in the home of Melanie Dunn on Monday afternoon, they heard screams coming from the house. Those screams belonged to 2-year-old Catareon Dunn and 3-year-old Ladereon Dunn. A rescue attempt was made by gaining entrance from the back door but the flames kept them at bay. When firefighters arrived on scene and pulled the children from the inferno, onlookers described the children as being limp and looking like “rag dolls”. But Melanie was not at home as she and the boys’ aunt, Marilyn Wilson, had left them alone that afternoon to go shopping. …
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Maury County, Tennessee It’s hard to say if James Tait was looking to be in the limelight again, if he was just so incredibly horny, or just plain stupid. I mention “limelight” because this is not the first time James’ name has gleaned attention. The first time was 4 years ago when he aimed his camera on his buddy, Kenneth Pinyan, as a horse was screwing the life out of him…literally. Kenneth died from a perforated colon. You’d think James would learn from those lessons but I suppose there’s just something so seductive about forcing a horse’s…hell, you get the picture.…
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Maiden, North Carolina Aaron Burke’s wife left her home Monday evening to help a friend move some furniture when she realized she had forgotten her driver’s license at home. Upon her return an hour later, she walked into the house and into her bedroom closet to retrieve her purse when she noticed a light on in the adjacent room, her daughter’s clothes on the floor, and splashing sounds coming from the bathroom. Sounds fun, right? It wasn’t quite the playful bath time one might expect to find. She allegedly walked in on her disabled husband holding her 23-month-old daughter under water while she was struggling against his grip.…
Continue ReadingMostafa Zayed’s Neighbors Enjoyed His Halloween Display – Until It Stank
October 17, 2009 at 8:47 am by thinkgoat
Marina del Rey, California 75-year-old Mostafa Zayed provided his neighborhood with an extra special Halloween display. I think you must be very careful when constructing an arrangement, only include things that might not spoil in the heat that Marina del Rey has this time of year. It was with this lack of foresight that triggered extra attention to Zayed’s 3rd story apartment balcony. I think that little presentation started to smell like something distinct…like a rotting corpse. That’s right. The clever little display neighbors had be either admiring or ignoring was none other than Mostafa Zayed with a hole shot through his eye, in plain view. Neighbors thought it was some sort of a gorey Halloween dummy slumped over a chair that had been up there since Monday and that’s why authorities weren’t called. Well, they weren’t too far off. Coroner’s officials were called to the apartment complex at 6:42 Thursday evening and a cause of death has not been announced. I’m betting it will include the hole through his head but I’m no expert.…
Continue ReadingRobert Laird Made His Daughter Wait for the Mother Who Would Never Arrive
October 16, 2009 at 4:19 am by thinkgoat
Lakeland, Florida A little after 3 pm on Monday, firefighters responded to a car fire on the Sunshine Skyway Bridge in Tampa, Florida. They had no way of knowing that they were about to drive up on an arson, a homicide, and a suicide. Court records show that Robert Laird and his wife, Sheryl, were divorced and she was granted an injunction keeping him from having contact with her. All who had contact with Sheryl describe her as being a positive woman despite the past marital problems and despite having to share her daughter with the man she feared. None of that matters now. Robert drove to the top of that bridge, doused the car with gasoline and turned it into a torch with his dead wife in the trunk, and lept from the bridge as the firefighters worked to extinguish the flames. And at 6 pm, their 7-year-old daughter was still sitting patiently waiting to be picked up from Happy Days School.…
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Houston, Texas I hung out with some pretty heavy drinkers in my younger days. It was always quite a treat walking into a bar with someone who had obviously had a tremendous time the night – or even week – before. No sooner than we’d walk into the establishment, my buddy would be greeted with, “Oh man, do you remember when you_____?” (Fill in the blank and those fill-ins were never flattering.) Watching the happy-go-lucky face turn to complete horror was always amusing – mainly because it didn’t involve me. If I had my druthers, I’d much rather be informed by friends or acquaintances and I’d much rather hear the news when I was fully functioning than to be awakened by the police telling strange accounts of where I ended up and with whom.…
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Burlington, Vermont How many of you dreamt of flying when you were younger? Even better, how many of you actually tried to fly? I think the fantasy was always fueled by cartoons (in my day) and stuntmen with my children. Hollywood always makes things look so easy and always manage to trick the mind. Unless you’ve seen the making of a movie, you never see the landing platforms below. You just see some idiot jumping from the top of a building, landing smoothly, and walking away as though it were as natural as breathing in and out. It’s not, I can tell you that for sure. Even with a belly full of booze, jumping out of a high window is never really a cool idea – I tried it in college. But the alcohol and the fit of laughter kind of made our legs a bit unstable so it was nothing for them to revolt mid air and say “fuck you” as we were plummeting to the ground. But what happens when you’re all tense and you “need” to get away from say…the police?…
Continue ReadingJohn Forehand Had No Forethought When Asking His Daughter For Sex
October 10, 2009 at 2:11 am by thinkgoat
Lititz, Pennsylvania Facebook, the social networking site, started as a spin-off of Harvard University‘s Facemash. The creator, a little buzzed and a little bummed about being dumped by some chick, set out to divert his attention from her to something a bit more entertaining. What started as a prank has grown into the most widely used social site on the internet. The only requirements for signing up are to be at least 13 years old and have a valid email address. Being a little hesitant in jumping into the Facebook pool, I finally gave in when a friend urged me to sign up. It’s a quick and relatively painless way to keep up with family and friends. I can recall reading the status of one of my contacts that said: “My father has joined Facebook!” That’s sweet, but it’s not always that thrilling to have your parents create an account and “friend” you. Take it from a certain 13-year-old. Her father found her on Facebook after having no contact with her for 10 years and then found himself faced with a couple of charges, one being criminal attempted incest.…
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Las Cruces, New Mexico Have you ever had a day where you just couldn’t hold onto anything? I’ve often heard it referred to as the “dropsy’s”. And I’ve been plagued many times with this rather frustrating phenomenon. It’s almost as though I’ve coated my hands with some release coat crap for machinery or baby oil mixed with sudden paralysis of my working digits. If you’re anything like me, this occurrence is often followed with broken shit, a splattered mess, a sudden onset of a string of obscenities, and a pulled butt-muscle or two as the strain of keeping the objects air-born (and hopefully back into control) becomes so uncontrollable and your body bends and freezes in unnatural poses. But I can tell you, even though I’ve broken a shit-load of nice china due to the dropsy’s, not once…ever…have I ever had that happen while handling a child. Poor Russ Church cannot say the same.…
Continue ReadingGrandma Shirley Skinner Helped With The Custody Battle Using a Glock
October 8, 2009 at 2:04 am by thinkgoat
Ashland, Illinois is a sleepy little town of 1300 people smack dab in the middle of corn and bean fields; you know, Settlement Americana, Littletown, USA? The kind of place where the major events were the weekly livestock auctions, which proved to be exciting only when the occasional cow would cut loose and bolt down the street followed by a bunch of young boys and girls donning spurs on their cowboy boots making one hell of a racket as I was sleeping off the night before. The kind of town you’ve all heard about, full of those willing to lend a helping hand, give you a polite smile as you walk by. I know it well. I lived in the only funeral home it had.…
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Kermit, West Virginia “Unusual to see a refrigerator laying flat in the bed of a truck. You have to stand them up if you want to use them later, and that’s the only thing that caught all of our eyes,” states a co-worker – a guard at a coal company where Roger Stroud worked. They state Roger signed in at the guardhouse and then 31 minutes he split. Perhaps he was just stupid and didn’t know to stand that fridge upright. Perhaps he had purchased his lovely wife a new home and was moving things in to surprise her at suppertime. This may have all made sense had she not wanted a divorce and had he not used that cumbersome appliance as a means to hide her body.…
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Apple Valley, California Growing up, birthday parties were a big thing, both having them and going to them. The endless silly games that are played from ‘pin the tail on the ass’ to ‘telephone’. (You know, everyone sits in a circle, an adult whispers something to the first child and they’re to repeat it to the next. By the end of the circle the message is never the same. Kind of like a bunch of adults I know repeating gossip) But as children grow older the parties kind of wane. I mean, what kind of games do you play with a bunch of 14-year-olds? After the sweet-sixteen party, the 17th birthday is a pretty big let down. Nothing really exciting to do for that one. That is unless you’re the daughter of Glenn Nottle. He gave his daughter the memories of a lifetime for her birthday. A little gunfire, some throwing stars, a little pipe bomb…. …
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Boston, Massachusetts It’s all fun and games until someone loses and eye. It reminds me of a scene from an old cult classic “Where The Buffalo Roam“, a movie written as a loose depiction of Hunter S. Thompson‘s rise to fame as an author. In the movie, Thompson and his “attorney” Lazlo are in some undisclosed Latin American country and there’s some illegal arms trading occurring when one idiot picks up an automatic weapon and looses complete control shooting up the place. When the shooting frenzy has ended and the dust settles, his associate is fighting holding back his laughter when the maniac who can’t handle a gun beats him to the ground. And as soon as he is grounded, his buddy starts smothering him with affection and aid, truly remorseful for his actions. He almost sounds like Rhys Williams, and EMT, who shot up a couple of dudes and then administered help.…
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Holly, Michigan There’s nothing more heartwarming than seeing a young mother spending time bonding with her child. Lacy Bird’s kid is 17-months-old which means the fun times are just starting for them. The incredible curiosity of a child that age, just becoming really aware of the things around them, fine tuning their coordination. And since they’re approaching the terrible twos, it’s sometimes the best idea to take a break from the confines of the house and take the baby outside for a while. Kind of like Lacey did with her child. Except it was kind of early in the morning for that sort of play and the baby wasn’t having much fun being bounced off the ground.…
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Las Vegas, Nevada Sin City. The land of quick marriages made in heaven or at least a simulated rendition of heaven featuring Pastor Elvis himself. For many couples, the draw of getting hitched in Glitter Gulch is everything dreams are made of…where you can say your “I Do”‘s, gorge yourself at a smorgasbord, catch a show, and gamble your life’s savings away while retiring up to your room where the bed rotates and is decked out with red velvet coverings. Not quite my style but it is for many. I wonder – do the permanent residents of Vegas go all out like the tourists? Are their ceremonies any less spectacular? Do they possess some magic recipe for a lasting marriage? Do they seriously mutter “Til Death Do Us Part”? And when the reality of a failed marriage sinks in, does the groom reflect upon their memories together as he opens the freezer and gazes upon the top tier of their wedding cake that’s nestled next to his frozen wife?…
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North Vernon, Indiana Just yesterday I opined about people getting off on insanity pleas. It seems so easy to exclaim, “the voices in my head made me do it” and for some whacked out defense attorney and a complacent judicial system, it’s easy to see why these idiots end up in an asylum instead of behind bars. The need to try to rehabilitate some of these evil fucks is beyond me. You can fix a lot of things in this world but stupid is not one of them. Hell, they tried with lobotomies. Didn’t work. It just made the condition worse and a whole lot messier with all the drooling. Now they do the same thing with medications. It doesn’t make the voices go away, just shuts them the fuck up for a while. Until next time they tell you to kill…just like the voices in Ryan Renfroe’s head.…
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