Pinellas Park, FL — In a video recently posted to LiveLeak, a 41-year-old woman, clad in nothing but a thong, is seen rampaging through a Pinellas County McDonald’s, breaking and throwing shit before eating ice cream straight out of the machine.
According to the fine folks over at WFTS, Susan Suarez walked into the McDonald’s at about 7:00 the evening of March 24th and offered one of the employees oral sex. When the employee refused, Suarez apparently started smashing, ultimately causing more than $10,000 in damage.
In the video, which has since gone viral, Suarez is seen banging her dome on the counter, pushing registers to the floor, throwing food and other items, toppling drink dispensers and repeatedly opening and closing a refrigerator door. The pièce de résistance, though? Sucking ice cream right out of the machine. And ice cream apparently soothes even the most savage of beasts because Suarez cooled her shit right then.
Well, kinda. Police say she put up a bit of a fight while they were trying to detain her, kicking, licking and attempting to kiss the arresting officers.…Continue Reading
Zambia — I normally wouldn’t post anything from Zambia because, face it, they do some weird ass shit over there — kinda like Florida, but without all the face eating. Anyways, because it’s a slow news day and it’s been a slow couple of weeks, I figured I’d give it a go. And, well, because GENITALS.
A man in Chipata is missing three toes and all of his cock-n-balls after apparently allowing a hyena to snack on him. Why would he allow such a thing, you ask? Because a witch doctor told him that sacrificing body parts was the best(?) way to get rich.
“I came from Malawi and when I arrived in Chipata I met some business persons who told me that the best way to become rich was to sacrifice parts of my body,” said Chamangeni Zulu. “I went to a bush where I was instructed to be naked and a hyena came to me and started eating my toes and eventually my manhood was eaten.”
After making his deposit, Zulu crawled to a road where he was picked up by passing police officers.…Continue Reading
From what police are saying, Roger Smith walked out of his home Sunday afternoon and popped a cap in that dad-blasted whippersnapper’s ass from across the street.
“We did not see any provocation by the victim,” said Perry Township Police Chief Michael Pomesky. “There was no interaction between the two. The victim was going about his own routine.”
There were prior reports of some bad blood between Smith and someone else that lived in the home, but the victim was not a part of those disputes.
Smith has been charged with felonious assault, discharging a firearm on or near prohibited premises, and improperly discharging a firearm at or into a habitation. Bond was set at $500,000.
No word on the condition of the victim.…Continue Reading
Minneapolis, MN – After shooting his son to death during an argument about cable television, an 84-year-old man reportedly told police he wasn’t about to settle the matter in some foolish courthouse — nope, he was gonna settle that argument once in for all in the afterlife.
According to police, Pang Se Vang was upset that his son, 36-year-old Chue Vang, refused to have cable television installed in the home they shared. Chue basically told his father that if he didn’t like it, he could move the fuck out. My house, my rules kinda thing….
Anyway, instead of moving out, Pops apparently armed himself with a shotgun and put a new hole in Chue’s chest Monday evening. Another shot was fired when Pang’s eldest son disarmed him, but there were no other injuries.
Left without a gun, Pang locked himself in his room. When police arrived on scene, Pang made it very clear that he was armed with knives. When officers requested that he exit the room with his hands up, Pang responded that he couldn’t, he had stabbed himself in the chest.…Continue Reading
Phoenix, AZ — A couple of shitstains out in Phoenix were arrested this week for allegedly neglecting and/or refusing to feed their 9-month-old son. Kid tipped the scales at a whoppin’ 7 pounds during a recent medical exam.
On March 19, when the child was seen by medical staff, his father, 32-year-old Ryan Morris, reportedly told police he had not been fed since the beginning of March.
Mom, 27-year-old Veronica Diaz, reportedly told police she ran out of formula on March 12, and had been giving the child one bottle of water during the day and a little bit of regular milk before bed up until the 19th.
When asked why she didn’t feed the child, Diaz first responded with “I don’t know.” At which point I would have lunged across the table and pummeled her stupid face. She then claimed that she had no money. And, dammit, she had four other kids that had to be fed and taken care of, so she just kinda “gave up” on the littlest one.…Continue Reading
GUILTY! OFF WITH HER HEAD!
It all started when Cameo Crispi’s ex called police on March 14 to complain that he had received numerous texts and phone calls from her within the range of one hour, and he really wanted her to knock it the fuck off already. He also told police he didn’t want Crispi at his home. Crispi. Heh.
An officer was dispatched to the man’s home and found smoke pouring out the front door. Inside, an “impaired” Crispi.
When the officer stepped inside the man’s home, he noticed a wood stove left open with a fire burning inside and hot coals on the floor around the stove. And on the kitchen stove, claimed the officer, there was a cookie sheet with about a pound of bacon on it. Now, bear with me, people….. this part of the story is extremely difficult for me.…Continue Reading
“They were going at it,” Sabryna Maré said of the couple who was standing behind her in line. “She was saying she wanted this and wanted that, and she wanted either a McFlurry or an ice cream on top and he was not in for it. Then he was yelling at her saying he’s not going to do it.”
And then, well….
Witnesses claim hearing the identified woman tell the unidentified man that she was going to “blow it up.” She grabbed the keys to the man’s 1994 El Dorado and ran outside. Armed with alcohol and gasoline, though no one really knows where she got it, the woman started pouring. Then, the match… because she apparently didn’t have what it takes to cut the man’s dick off.
Witnesses attempted to help the man put the flames out, but the car was “engulfed” by the time firefighters arrived.…Continue Reading
Reston, VA – An inebriated 26-year-old woman was arrested Saturday evening after allegedly showing up at the Arlington Magistrate’s Office in her birthday suit, hoping to see her recently incarcerated hubby.
It is unclear as to whether Maura Fussell had been clothed at some point before entering the building, or whether she arrived all nekkid. Either way, she was bare. And drunk.
Officers apparently gave her many opportunities to put some damn clothes on, or at least take a cab home, but Fussell reportedly refused.
That refusal earned her an overnight stay at the old Graybar Hotel. She’s been charged with indecent exposure and drunk in public. I’m assuming they released her after she sobered up a bit.
No word on what landed hubby in the slammer.…Continue Reading
Lincolnton, NC — Ladies! And guys with pretty feet, maybe. If the dude in the picture to the left approaches you as you stroll through the shoe aisle at Walmart and feeds you some line, like, “Hey, I’m a future podriatist! Can I have a peek at your piggies?” Just. Say. No. Chances are, he’s not a real podiatrist. *gasp* Those gynecology students that you run into at the Taco Bell, though? Totally legit.
This creep apparently struck up the “I’m studying podiatry” conversation with a woman inside the Linconlton Walmart Monday, and somehow convinced her to try on several pairs of shoes. As she was doing so, police say, the man got the woman’s foot to his mouth and began sucking on her toes. Without even wiping them down with a Handi Wipe or something. He fled the store after the woman yanked her foot from his grasp.
Police soon learned the man had attempted another toe sucking at a nearby Walmart just a short time before this alleged incident.…Continue Reading
Memphis, TN — After brazenly following a woman into the women’s room at a McDonald’s restaurant Thursday, and attempting to reach out and grab her from under the stall door, this tubby skeeve could do little more than grunt and wiggle after getting himself stuck between the bottom of the door and the nasty floor.
The alleged victim told police she was using the toilet when Ronald Henderson’s derpy face appeared under the door. She screamed at him to get out, she said, but he kept coming… trying to grab her leg. At some point during this creepy fucking scene, Henderson got stuck. It was then that the victim made her escape.
No details about how or when Henderson managed to free himself from under the door, or if he was still there when police arrived, but after the victim positively identified him at the scene, Henderson was transported to jail. He’s been charged with assault and observation without consent. Bond was set at $100.
The more I think about it, the more I wonder if the police got the right man.…Continue Reading
When authorities responded to the couple’s home, Lisa insisted that her husband, 56-year-old Gerald Orock, was the aggressor in the physical confrontation. Accused of attacking her with a knife, Mr. Orock was placed under arrest.
Once at the cop shop, though, police learned that while Mr. Orock wasn’t exactly a saint, he was the victim in this particular case. Police say he had cuts to his arms and hands that appeared to be defensive wounds. His jeans had been cut near the crotch area and there wera a few cuts on his legs. Kinda backed his claims that Lisa was the crazy one — she’d tried to slice his dick off.
Lisa was taken into custody and charged with aggravated assault, simple assault and harassment. And because a small bag of pot was found in her purse, possession of marijuana. She also had an outstanding bench warrant for DUI,
Gerald was kept behind bars for possession of marijuana and for violating a protection from abuse order his wife had previously taken out.…Continue Reading
When police made contact with the neighbors, they were informed that James Guy Bull had been seen digitally penetrating the pup on more than one occasion, causing the animal to yelp and holler. On another occasion, the witnesses claimed, Bull was seen sitting on a chair on his porch, pants around his ankles, with his junk all up in the dog’s rear end. Again, the dog could be heard whining and crying. When Bull realized he had an audience, he simply put the dog down and pulled up his draws.
No word on why, if they had seen this shit on multiple occasions, they didn’t inform police prior to this.
The dog was found chained to a post on the porch without food, shelter or water. She was skittish and emaciated, police say, and had a very swollen vagina.…Continue Reading
Boca Raton, FL – Dimitrios Karaloukas , owner of Jimmy the Greek Taverna in Boca Raton, was stabbed to death by an employee last week after the stabby guy learned Karaloukas has posted a photo of him on the internet.
Tilus Lebrun, who is not pictured here because he still looks really pissed off and stabby in his mugshot and it’s Florida so he might make bail at some point, apparently stabbed 61-year-old Karaloukas inside the Taverna Thursday evening as horrified dinner guests looked on. Karaloukas was stabbed three times on his left side and once in his back, police say.
An unidentified male employee at the restaurant was also stabbed several times. His condition is unknown at this time.
When police arrived on scene, they found Lebrun outside of the restaurant, wearing an apron and holding a large knife. When questioned about the alleged attack, Lebrun told authorities, “I killed him because he took my photograph on March 2nd and posted it on the internet.”
Lebrun, 36, has been charged with first degree premeditated murder and murder while engaged in a certain felony offense.…Continue Reading
Staten Island, NY — A 42-year-old man is facing numerous charges after allegedly molesting a 15-year-old girl by rubbing raw meat on her naked body in order to cleanse her of the evil spirits that were making her moody.
Alleged “spiritual leader” Rafael Paulino, aka Omi Chango, apparently met with a female relative of the teen and explained that he would rub raw meat on the girl’s body and pour water on her after he had cut her clothes off in order to spiritually cleanse her. This ritual, he told the woman, was not for entertainment or amusement. He was simply going to attempt to rid the child of the evil spirit that was making her depressed.
The female relative agreed to the cleansing and shelled out $121. It is believed that she wanted a cleansing, too. Not sure if that was the price for the both of ‘em, or if maybe he was having a special that week.
On February 24, Paulino met with the girl and got busy fixin’ her depression.…Continue Reading
Police received a call from the infant’s hysterical 17-year-old mother Thursday, who stated that her child was bleeding profusely from the nose. Or what was left of it, anyway….
An examination of the child revealed a skull fracture, a brain hemorrhage and the injury to the nose. They soon learned that the child’s father, Joshua Cooper, was the responsible party. Police determined Joshua chewed on the kid’s face because he wouldn’t shut up.
He’s been charged with child cruelty and aggravated mayhem. The investigation to determine how the child sustained the skull fracture and brain hemorrhage is ongoing.
The infant is said to be in stable condition.…Continue Reading
Not a lot of info on this one, but what the hell… I’m on a severed penis roll. wOOt.
The unidentified man, said to be “in a clear state of distress,” was apparently searching for his missing penis in some undergrowth when he was discovered by a passing motorist early Thursday morning.
Although police were hesitant to say out right that the man had his dick violently removed, they were forced to close a long stretch of the road for a few hours to conduct what appears to be a search for a missing penis. No word on whether it ever surfaced.
An unidentified 22-year-old man was arrested on suspicion of assault and questioned, but was soon released on bail. No further information on that, either.
Investigators still haven’t been able to speak the the alleged victim, coma and blood loss and all, but are asking the public to come forward with any information.…Continue Reading
According to eChinacities.com, Han Mou apparently approached the topic of divorce with his wife, Zhang. Believing Han had been unfaithful, or was in the process of finding a new woman, Zhang reportedly crushed a bunch of sleeping pills and waited until Han fell asleep. Then she cut his cut his dick off and flushed it down the toilet.
While recovering in the hospital, Han said that he loved his wife but was still considering divorce because she was too jealous. Not to mention batshit crazy….
Zhang was ultimately released on bail and returned to her husband and children. Han, though, fearful that his wife was going to be locked up for a bit, began searching for her replacement — them kids needed a step-mother. And Han apparently needs a lobotomy.
Zhang, jealous again, got busy with the sleeping pills.
After drinking his milk one morning, just three months after losing his dick, Han began to feel ill.…Continue Reading
Police received a call around 9:30 that night about a suspicious vehicle near Highway 78. Upon arrival, they spotted an unoccupied vehicle matching the call description, just sitting there all suspicious-like. The officers headed off into a wooded area near where the car was sitting to investigate and saw the two 16-year-old boys hightailing it out of the woods. Assuming the kids were heading for the car, the officers headed back up to the vehicle and waited.
When the boys approached the car, one of the officers asked what they were up to. That was when the dumber half of the stupid pair opened his mouth.
Officers detained the boys and called for backup. A search of the area led to the discovery of a very dead teen boy — police have identified him as 17-year-old Ivan Mejia.…Continue Reading
Portland, OR — An evil feline with a history of violence now stands accused of attacking a 7-month-old child and forcing the child’s entire family, including their pussy dog, to hole up in a bedroom and call 911.
Lux, apparently unsatisfied with slowly sucking the child’s breath out of his body, reportedly attacked the child Sunday, scratching the kid on the face. This led to the child’s father putting a boot up the 22 pound pussy’s ass. Needless to say, that ass tap didn’t go over well.
The Himalayan flew into a rage, eventually chasing the family into a bedroom.
The cat’s owner informed the 911 dispatcher the cat “went over the edge,” and was charging at them every time they opened the door. The man also claimed the cat had a history of being an asshole — he was just a little more assholish on that particular day.
“He’s trying to attack us,” the man said as the cat screeched and hissed in the background. “He’s very, very, very, very hostile.”
After it was determined the child didn’t require medical assistance, the dispatcher dispatched officers to the couple’s home.…Continue Reading
Police learned of the infant’s death after receiving multiple reports of a naked woman screaming and yelling in the street early Friday morning. They soon made contact with a belligerent and uncooperative 24-year-old Stefany Johnson.
When officers entered the woman’s home, they found Astrid’s body on the couch. Police say it appeared as Johnson neglected to seek medical assistance for the child.
When questioned, Johnson reportedly told police “Jesus came down and took Astrid to heaven” while she was bathing her. That Jesus dude again. He’s like a super sneaky serial killer or something. Bastard.
Cause of death has not yet been revealed, but logic points to drowning.
Police quickly determined it was Johnson’s negligence that killed the child. She’s now being held at a mental health facility, charged with criminal homicide.
The child’s father is apparently in Afghanistan.…Continue Reading