Police responded to a Tulsa hospital early Thursday morning, where they spoke to a man who claimed his girlfriend, Amber Ellis, attacked him while he slept.
After an evening of imbibing, the two began arguing about how “needy” she had become in recent weeks. (PSA, fellas — the word “needy” is a trigger in the craziest of psycho bitches. So is “suffocating” and “smothering.” And may your lord help you if you start in on the whole “I need a little breather” spiel).
The verbal argument continued when the couple reached their apartment, and seemingly ended when Ellis stormed into the bedroom and slammed the door. The victim, believing he was safe, fell asleep on the couch. With both eyes closed. Silly man.
He told police he woke to find Ellis chewing on his dick. When he tried to fight her off, he said, she hit him in the head with a laptop.…
Damian Fletcher, 32, was charged Monday after allegedly trying to lure a couple of little girls onto the city bus with offers of free candy.
Police claim Fletcher approached the girls, ages 9 and 11, Saturday afternoon and said, “Come with me on the bus and we’ll go get some candy together and then I can take you places, come on.”
Thankfully, the girls were too smart to fall for it — all kids know that the best free candy only comes from white, windowless vans. They told police they didn’t know Fletcher, and got a little scared when he asked them for a hug.
During the booking process, deputies overheard Fletcher say he just wanted to have sexual contact with the girls. I, for one, am shocked.
Fletcher was charged with trying to lure or entice a child under 12, a misdemeanor, but bond was increased to $150,000.…
According to police, 38-year-old Russell Mitchell was cashing in some lottery tickets at a Murphy USA gas station Friday afternoon, when 62-year-old Richard Nielson approached him. Nielson apparently called out Mitchell’s name just moments before shooting him in the head at point-blank range.
Nielson then approached Mitchell’s wife(?), 29-year-old Jessica Modolo, as she sat waiting for Mitchell to return to the car. Police say Nielson shot her once in the stomach, killing her unborn child, and once in the head. It is believed Modolo, who remains in critical condition, was about four months along in her pregnancy. Inside the car with Modolo, her 6-year-old son, and Mitchell’s daughters, ages 9 and 7.
Nielson then walked behind the vehicle and put a bullet in his own head.
This whole bunch of bullshit apparently stems from a dispute over some lawn equipment that Nielson had somehow procured from Mitchell.…
Ronald Kopf Jr. was indicted Wednesday, after admitting to police he had been raping the girl for more than a year. And as mentioned previously, this was the same girl his son, 29-year-old Christopher Kopf, was convicted for sexually assaulting when she was 13.
In Christopher’s case, both the victim and the suspect initially denied any sort of sexual contact — though the girl later admitted that the two had kissed. Christopher confessed after police presented him with DNA evidence. He pleaded guilty to first degree sex abuse in August of 2013, and was sentenced to six years in prison.
Ronald was busted after the victim told her mother she had been in a year-long sexual relationship with Ronald. Um, eww. Between the two of them, I just don’t think there’s enough alcohol, anywhere. Ever.
Anyway, Ronald admitted to providing the girl with cigarettes, money and marijuana.…
According to authorities, 32-year-old Fan Lung sent his mistress, Zhang Hung, a couple of “saucy” messages on his wife’s cell phone and forgot to log out of his account after hitting send. The wife, Feng, read the message — along with several others — and completely lost her friggin’ mind.
Armed with a pair of scissors, Feng approached her husband as he lay sleeping in bed. Then…. snip, snip.
Doctors were able to reattach Fan’s member, but the celebration didn’t last long. Feng reportedly snuck into his hospital room and cut that pesky little thing off. Again. This time, though, she tossed it out the window.
Somehow, the couple ended up outside of the hospital and on the street, where Fan was seen, bloodied, butt nekkid, and in a rage, beating Feng. After hospital personnel separated the two, they learned Fan was, once again, dickless.…
The aforementioned juvenile apparently contacted police on Saturday to report that a white woman tried to “forcefully” remove his shoes and take them from him. She failed.
Based on the child’s description of the woman, police made contact with Chessly Brimberry. The arresting officer mentioned in his police report that Brimberry blew a .255 on a portable breathalyzer, and that she seemed kinda surprised, a little insulted, even, that she was being arrested for trying to take shoes from a kid. I mean, c’mon… it’s not like she was trying to steal his fucking candy.
While being booked, Brimberry reportedly told the arresting officer, “When I see you I will kill you.” This little spitfire also attempted to flee the premises, twice, but was stopped at the gate both times.
She was charged with public intimidation and attempted robbery, and ordered held on a $7,500 bond.…
Framingham, MA — I’ve been here at the Demon for a long, long time. So long, in fact, that it is difficult to find a story that actually makes me feel. But this one, well, this one made me tear up a bit.
According to police, Lindsay McNamara, 24, sauntered into the Framingham Police Department Friday, with a Dunkin’ Donuts box in her hands. She approached the lobby window, police say, and when the officer behind the glass asked how he could help her, McNamara reportedly declared it was “time to feed the pigs.”
She reached into the box, which apparently didn’t contain donuts, and grabbed a handful of raw bacon and sausage links. (Please, friends, pardon my hysterical sobbing). She then proceeded to throw the products at the window, while simultaneously smearing them on and around the glass.
McNamara was arrested on charges of disorderly conduct and malicious destruction of property. Later that day, McNamara, who represented herself before the judge, reportedly said God told her to “go feed the pigs,” before claiming that the courts were allowing people to sell her.…
Saskatoon, Canada — A couple of 20-year-old men are facing charges after an argument over diced onions led to the tossing of a snake at a Saskatoon Tim Hortons. Seriously, have you ever been sooooo mad…. ?
The unidentified men were apparently displeased about the shape of the onions on their breakfast order and an argument ensued. It quickly escalated, as arguments over food often do, and at that point, police say, one of the men did a reach around, stuck his hand into his partner’s pocket and removed a snake. No, not a trouser snake — a garter snake. Because who doesn’t have one of those just hanging around in their pocket? Trouser snake would have made for an interesting story, though….
Anyway, the man threw the snake over the counter and in the general direction of the employees.
There were no reported injuries, and it is unclear as to how many people in the restaurant shit their pants in fear, but it did create a bit of chaos as employees ran screaming from the establishment.…
Easton, PA — Authorities have reason to believe this freak, 53-year-old Gregory Graf, shot and killed his stepdaughter just so he could have sex with her corpse. What? Like you’ve never wanted anyone that bad….
Jessica Padgett, 33, was last seen alive on November 21, leaving her job as a child care provider at a Northampton day care center. Five days and several inconsistent stories later, Graf was charged with her murder.
Graf was taken into custody on November 26, after Padgett’s body was found buried behind a shed on his property. Authorities have stated she was shot in the back of the head.
Police found video footage of Graf violating the woman’s corpse on two separate cameras that had been seized. An additional recording was found on Graf’s computer.
Graf reportedly confessed to killing Padgett, a recently married mother of three, and police have no reason to believe the two were involved in any sort of sexual relationship before her death. Police believe Padgett was dead less than an hour after she disappeared.…
According to police, the Mrs. woke Hill at about 1:00 that afternoon, McChicken in hand. When Hill opened his eyes and gazed upon her offering, he apparently flipped his shit. Why? Because he doesn’t like McChicken sandwiches. *insert hysterical sobbing noises here*
Police say Hill tossed the sammich at the woman, then picked up the bun from the floor and smashed it into her face.
When the woman retreated to the restroom to clean up, Hill followed and began recording her every move with his cellphone, apparently hoping the woman would lose her shit and appear as the aggressor in the fight.
When police arrived on scene, Hill’s whole “she started it” bullshit fell flat. The cellphone video showed very little — just an injured woman knocking the cellphone out of her douchebag husband’s hand. The woman was sporting a red and swollen nose, and was found with mayo on her face and clothing.…
Jacklyn Blake was apparently sleeping off a few drinks when the boyfriend took it upon himself to dish up. When Blake came to, police say, she went all kinds of batshit crazy — because that’s what holidays and cooking and breathing does to women.
Blake apparently chased the man around the living room with a knife, then stabbed him once in the chest. She then threw the knife at the guy, hitting him just below the eye.
The boyfriend was hospitalized with non-life threatening injuries. We can only hope he learned a lesson from all this… just sit in your chair, watch your game, shut the fuck up, and don’t. touch. anything.
Blake was carted off to the pokey, and has been charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, simple assault, reckless endangerment and making terroristic threats.
Some people live for Black Friday sales the day after Thanksgiving, I live for the stabs.…
According to police, Sean Johnson was captured acting all suspicious and stuff on surveillance video Tuesday afternoon. In said video, Johnson is apparently seen approaching the innocent plush toy in the clearance section somewhere near the garden department. He was then seen carrying his new found love to the bedding department.
It was there, police say, that Johnson got busy.
In the surveillance video, Johnson is seen exposing his Johnson and humping the horse — utilizing short, fast movements. When finished, Johnson reportedly shot his load on the horse’s chest. Sated, Johnson placed the stuffed animal on top of a comforter set and exited the store.
I have to assume security personnel were rolling on the floor laughing, while vomiting, maybe, and that’s why they failed to apprehend the plushie fucker before he was able to make it out of the store.…
Kevin Davis reportedly admitted to police back in March that he first attempted to kill his mother, Kimberly Hill, by strangling her with a power cord from a video game console. She didn’t die, though, just kept screaming and stuff, so he struck her upside the head with a hammer 20-some times. That probably did the trick, but Kevin wanted to be sure sure, so he reached inside her broken head, he told police, and moved her brain around a bit to ensure she was dead.
Once the woman was dead dead, Kevin told police he raped her “dead corpse.”
When officers asked if that was his first time, Kevin responded that yes, it was. “Guess I lost my virginity to a dead corpse,” he confessed.
Kevin had initially planned on killing his younger sister, too, but decided he’d had enough killing for one day….…
Shari Walters, 53, was charged Thursday with aggravated battery, cruelty or extreme cruelty to animals, and assault with intent to commit a violent felony.
According to the criminal complaint, one of Walters’ roommates called police a couple weeks ago to report she had been poisoned.
In the complaint, Walters’ roommate, Beverly Bradley, stated to police that she had witnessed Walters having sex with her German Shepherd, Spike, in a shed on the property. She was shocked, she told police, and returned to the house to wait for Walters.
When Walters walked into the home, she didn’t even try and deny that she had been screwing the pooch. Instead, she admitted to Beverly that she copulated with her dog. Multiple times. Furthermore, she also admitted she had been fucking dogs since she was 14. Hell, she even fucked her boyfriend’s German Shepherd, Jake. Multiple times.…
Jan Harding was dining at the restaurant with her husband on Sunday, when she poured a glass of tea from a self-serve dispenser. After one sip, she began gagging and spit the liquid out.
I said, what is wrong?” recalled Jim Harding. “She said, ‘I just drank acid.'”
Jan was rushed to a local hospital, where it was determined that the burns were severe enough to warrant a trip to a burn unit. She was airlifted to the University of Utah’s burn unit and remains in critical condition with injuries to her mouth, throat and esophagus.
Police have determined an employee mistakenly added “Clean Force Fryer Cleaner,” which contains lye, to the tea instead of sugar. The employee responsible for making the tainted tea could face charges of battery. If Harding happens to die because of the severity of her injuries, a charge of criminally negligent homicide.…
And my eyes just rolled so hard they damn near fell out the back of my head….
Judith Jones, 44, is facing charges of attempted murder and aggravated assault after her failed attempt at making her husband dead… something she had apparently been planning for quite some time.
Police say the couple’s 16-year-old daughter interrupted the attack late last month, quite possibly saving her father’s life. She later told police her mother had been planning to kill her father for about a year.
When questioned, Jones brought up the whole fish filleting spiel. Needless to say, that sorry ass excuse didn’t fly. She eventually admitted to the deed.
“I’ve seen stabbings before, but I’ve never had anybody tell us that they were dreaming that they were filleting fish when they committed a crime. It’s a first for that,” said Sheriff Fred Abdalla.…
According to police, the 9-year-old victim was stabbed once in the back with a kitchen knife and is apparently in critical condition.
Witness Glenn Stacey told a reporter from Fox 17 the 12-year-old boy approached him and asked if he could use his phone because he had just stabbed someone.
“He approached me at my house, I offered him my phone and I assumed he was calling his mother,” Stacey said. “Lo and behold he was calling 9-1-1 to say ‘I stabbed someone, please pick me up, I want to end my life.'”
Stacy went on to say the boy told him he was upset because nobody loved him and mentioned he had taken multiple pills earlier that day.
“I calmly started doing what I normally do, I didn’t want to agitate him and make sure he didn’t run away and give time for the police to actually show up, but very calmly he stood there,” Stacy added.…
The victim, upset over the slip, started arguing with Tapia. The argument escalated, at which point Tapia allegedly grabbed the woman by the arms and threw her into a wall in the home they shared.
At some point during the commotion, the woman’s pet raccoon hissed at Tapia, and he reportedly responded by grabbing the critter by its collar and tossing it into another room, where it hit a wall.
And that, my friends, is why I call all of my men “babe.” No confusion, no slips. Ever.
The woman was eventually able to leave the home, went to her ex-husband’s motor home and was taken to the emergency room. She later told police she had suffered at least two broken ribs. No word on the condition of the raccoon, though.
Tapia was arrested July 21 and booked into the Uintah County Jail on charges of assault and animal cruelty.…