The first complaint came from a mother driving her three children to their piano lessons. The woman informed dispatchers that her children, ages 6, 10, and 12, brought her attention to the nekkid man, identified as 68-year-old Hillard Stallings.
It didn’t take long for the rest of the neighborhood to chime in with police — they informed dispatchers Stallings had been wandering around the yard, in the buff, for at least 10 minutes.
Officers made contact with Stallings, and chatted with him for a bit, but an immediate arrest was not made. When they drove back through the neighborhood a few minutes later, though, they spotted the skeevy bastard in the yard, shaking his willy and making thrusting motions at a 14-year-old boy who had been passing the home.
Stallings spotted police and raced for the house, but the officers were quicker.…Continue Reading
According to the police report, Thaddeus Morgan slapped and pushed his sister, 23-year-old Cynthia, after she confronted him about leaving the toilet seat up.
At some point during the verbal argument between the two, Cynthia claimed, Thaddeus pushed her and broke her glasses. When she attempted to dial 911, she told police, Thaddeus took her cellphone.
Thaddeus admitted to slapping his sister with an open hand, grabbing her wrists, pushing her and interfering with her phone call, but insists she was throwing toys at him.
The two were separated, told to grow the fuck up and sent to their rooms without dinner. Erm, I mean, Thaddeus was arrested for interfering with an emergency call, a felony, and misdemeanor assault.
Personally, I always look before I sit so I don’t really give two shits about whether the seat is up or down. I will, however, cut a motherfucker if the seat is down and wet.…Continue Reading
Officers were dispatched to the Porter Walmart on the afternoon of February 28, to deal with an alleged shoplifter. There they found 24-year-old Charlene Ellet. She informed officers that her half-brother, 26-year-old Cameron Beck, had driven her and her toddler twins to the store. A short time later, Beck appeared at the Loss Prevention office looking for Charlene.
For whatever reason, police requested a search of Beck’s car. He consented because he’s obviously an idiot. Anyway, the search revealed a “light bulb with burn marks and a cut pen with a crystalline substance on it.” Surprise! That substance reportedly tested positive for meth. Ellet admitted she and Beck had smoked the meth about two weeks prior. Ellet was issued a citation for shoplifting under $50, and both were taken into custody for possession of a controlled substance.
It was then, police say, that Beck asked the arresting officer if they could just charge Ellet because she had a clean record.…Continue Reading
Albuquerque, NM — Cara Claffy, 35, is being held at the Bernalillo County jail, charged with domestic violence and aggravated battery of a family member, after allegedly knocking her mother upside the head with a vibrator.
60-year-old Sheryl Claffy called police Sunday to report that her spawn struck her on the head with the device, leaving her bloodied, and was attempting to leave the residence they shared.
Mom told police she was just sitting there watching tv, when an argument between herself and her daughter erupted. It was then, she said, that Cara grabbed the electric vibrator and whacked her in the dome.
She pointed out a pickup truck sitting nearby, and informed officers that her daughter was inside. She wasn’t. The alleged weapon, however, was. An officer retrieved the vibrator from the floor of the vehicle. A detailed description of the device has not been made available.
Cara was apprehended after exiting a nearby home. She told officers she argued with her mother, but she didn’t harm the woman. In fact, Cara said, the old lady just came out of a room, all bloody and stuff, and informed her that she had hit herself in the head with the vibrator.…Continue Reading
Responding officers were greeted with a crowd of rather disturbed residents outside of Marsonek’s home… residents that reportedly witnessed the coupling. Several witnesses stated they pleaded with Marsonek to stop, but he ignored them.
Officers found Marsonek, a convicted felon, inside his home and interviewed him before obtaining a search warrant for the property.
Inside the home, police found a gun, ammunition, and Marsonek’s harem — eight large pit bulls. No word on whether all of ‘em had been violated, or if Marsonek had a favorite.
He was arrested on two counts of a felon in possession of a firearm, animal cruelty and sexual activity involving animals. Animal Services investigators took custody of the dogs. He has since been released on a $17,500 bond.…Continue Reading
A staff member at the school told police she was walking in an area of lockers just after 7:30 Wednesday morning, when she spotted Michael Luecke lying on the ground. Believing the man had been hurt, the woman approached… only to find him with his hand in his pants and his eyeballs all rolled back in his head. And, she told police, he was “manipulating his penis.” *insert GASP here*
The woman reportedly told Luecke that his behavior was inappropriate, to which Luecke reportedly said something along the lines of, “I need to find somewhere else to do this.”
When the staff member informed Luecke that he shouldn’t be anywhere near children, Luecke relayed that such a thing had never happened to him before. The woman then reported the alleged incident to school officials and Luecke was immediately removed from the classroom he was overseeing and sent to the principal’s office.…Continue Reading
Montenez-Colon initially called 911 to complain that she wanted her Corvette back. She apparently signed ownership of the vehicle over to her step-son after her husband died, and she now wanted it back.
When an officer arrived at her home to take the complaint, the reportedly shitfaced 58-year-old started in with her game. It started with a question about the man’s marital status, then quickly moved into the way too much fucking information range.
“I haven’t been penetrated in years,” Montenez-Colon reportedly informed the officer. “I am so horny.”
The officer attempted to get the woman back on track…. a not so awkward track… and asked her what, exactly, he could do for her. Her response? “You could [expletive] me.” God, I do love these stories.
The officer relayed to Montenez-Colon that he wasn’t about to hit that and, once again, tried to get to the gist of her complaint.…Continue Reading
Homer Glen, IL – The director of public safety for Concordia University was terminated and arrested last week after a female employee at the school accused him of depositing a load of pecker spit in her shoe.
According to authorities, the female employee claimed she witnessed 38-year-old Tim Margis walk out of her office on the evening of February 10, buttoning up his pants and fastening his belt. When the woman asked Margis what he was doing in her office, he told her he was checking the room because the door had been left open.
When the woman walked into her office, she discovered a “clear liquid” inside one of her shoes.
Margis was interviewed a couple days later and reportedly admitted to having masturbated in the woman’s shoe. He failed to explain why, though. Police say there was never any sort of relationship between Margis and the victim, and there hadn’t been any previous allegations of misconduct.
Margis charged with public indecency and disorderly conduct, both misdemeanors, and released on $150 bail.…Continue Reading
According to authorities, a local farmer set up video surveillance in his barn in an attempt to determine “why his cows appeared anxious,” and were not producing milk as usual. Imagine the look on his face when he viewed the recording….
Police soon learned 35-year-old Michael Jones agreed to roll tape while his buddy, 31-year-old Reid Fontaine attempted to make sweet, sweet love to several cows. Please note the word attempted — something tells me there wasn’t actual penetration. I guess them heifers just weren’t that into him.
Both were arrested on charges of misdemeanor sexual misconduct and released on appearance tickets.
Beef turns me on, too. But I kinda like to wait until it’s slaughtered, marinated, bbq’d, covered in bacon and dished up with a side of mashed potatoes and gravy. Guess I’m just weird like that….…Continue Reading
Officials claim an angered Laura Cunliffe tossed the four-month-old Mowgli in the microwave after the kitten attacked the fish, and set it to cook. She apparently misjudged the time needed to fully cook a kitty — poor Mowgli was still alive when she pulled her out.
“The kitten was in a distressed state when Miss Cunliffe took it out of the oven. She took the animals to a relative’s home,” said Brian Orsborn, prosecuter for the RSPCA. “The kitten could not get its breath and died about ninety minutes later. Miss Cunliffe made arrangements for the body of the kitten to be taken away to be buried.”
“In the 13 years I have been in the job I have never dealt with a case like this before,” said Lynsey Harris, RSPCA deputy chief inspector. “It is particularly horrendous because of the period of suffering for the kitten which would have been awful.”
Cunliffe, who’d had the kitten since it was just a few weeks old, admitted to zapping it.…Continue Reading
The toddler’s mother, Krystan Lambert, told a reporter from WMUR she was walking out of the store with her 2-year-old daughter, Sonya, and another child she was babysitting, when she felt Sonya’s hand ripped from her grasp.
“All of a sudden my daughter’s on the ground crying and this woman’s reaching over, swinging at her, trying to hit her,” Lambert said.
That woman, identified as 47-year-old Lorraine Augustine, was swingin’ and refused to let up. Lambert said the woman started circling her, taunting her, trying to get at the child. Augustine apparently removed one of the child’s pink boots and attempted to beat her with it.
“She was swinging at her while I’m picking her up, trying to shield her with my body and trying to kick and push the woman away any time she got near me,” Lambert said.…Continue Reading
According to police, Travis Schelling thought other men were sending direct messages to his girlfriend on Facebook anytime one of her friend’s posts popped up on her feed. And every time he read one of those messages, he hit her. In addition to the hitting, police say, Schelling also violently shook the woman by her hair, ripping it out in clumps. It is believed that Schelling also sexually assaulted her.
Police say he held his girlfriend captive from about 11:30 Friday night to 3:00 Saturday morning, threatening to kill her, her family and her friends if she dared alert authorities. The woman finally convinced Schelling that she wasn’t going to tell, and he released her at about noon on Saturday.
Police said the victim had bruising on her face, arms, legs and a cut and swollen lip when she reported the incident.
Schelling has been booked on charges of kidnapping, sexual abuse, aggravated assault, threatening and intimidation.…Continue Reading
Joseph Andrew Dekenipp, 40, was taken into custody at their rendezvous spot, the Gallopin’ Goose Saloon & Grill, about three hours after his escape. Witnesses say the police arrived at the bar just minutes after the girlfriend did.
Dekenipp didn’t just wander off the property, either — police say he had to scale a 12-foot fence, shimmy through some razor wire, and scale yet another wire-topped fence in order to leave the property. And what, exactly, did you do for your significant other for VDay? He was treated for his injuries prior to being returned to the facility.
Police are now trying to figure out if Dekenipp was assisted by any other inmates.
Dekenipp was initially jailed on suspicion of vehicle theft, trafficking in stolen property, unlawful flight, theft and driving on a suspended license on January 10 — bond was set at $5,000.…Continue Reading
Wayne Bryson‘s girlfriend was apparently searching for some photos on his old cell phone, when she came across a video that showed her beloved fucking her dog. She turned the cellphone over to police and Bryson was taken into custody.
I would have to assume the girlfriend hasn’t been able to stop showering or douching since…
When questioned, Bryson failed to explain why he fucked the pooch, like any kind of explanation would suffice, but did claim that it was just that one time. He also failed to explain why he would record that shit to begin with.
In addition to being busted for bestiality, Bryson is also facing drug charges — it alleged that he was found to be in possession of marijuana.
Bryson was granted bail on the condition that he stay the hell away from any and all critters.…Continue Reading
According to police, the fight apparently began when 56-year-old Benjamin Calderon swiped said foot from the skillet James Jugo was attending to at the moment. It was apparently then that the beating commenced.
Wait…. people eat chicken feet? I’ve seen them in the meat department and shit, but I didn’t know people actually fried and consumed them. I thought that shit was used for voodoo and stuff. I can’t imagine sticking one of those things in my mouth….
Anyway, Jugo told police he beat Calderon to death with his fists, but a witness claims to have seen him swinging a wooden cutting board. At any rate, Calderon is very much dead — the autopsy revealed he suffered internal bleeding after being hit numerous times on the face, neck and elsewhere.
This, surprisingly, isn’t Jugo’s first brush with the law — he’s been arrested at least 19 times on charges that include burglary, cocaine possession, petty theft, probation violation, open container and possession of a dangerous dog.…Continue Reading
Anyway, police were called to the couple’s home Monday and found Ashley Marie Prenovost nekkid, bloody and drunk. It is alleged that after the boyfriend refused coitus, Prenovost went on a rampage. Police say she punched a couple of holes in the bedroom wall and smashed a picture frame, causing injuries to both of her hands.
Then, for whatever reason, Prenovost picked up the four-month-old child she shares with her boyfriend, and began carrying her around the house, yelling and screaming and bleeding all over the place. At some point during the alleged tirade, the child’s head met a dresser.…Continue Reading
According to the 56-year-old victim, when he learned the postman wasn’t delivering the aforementioned check, an agitated Kiefer snatched his pepper spray off his belt and squirted him in the eyes. This led to a wrestling match, of sorts, in the street. The mailman told police that while the two were struggling, Kiefer bit him on the leg three times.
The two were still at it when police arrived on scene. Kiefer still had a bit of fight left in him, and when officers tried to subdue him, he reportedly resisted. This earned him a pepper sprayin’.
The two were eventually pried apart and Kiefer was taken into custody. He was charged with assault and battery and resisting arrest, and was ordered held on $1,000 bond.
The mailman was treated at the scene for the bite wounds and a cut to the knee.…Continue Reading
Manara, AZ — A 34-year-old woman was left with a broken ankle and a criminal record after allegedly jumping from the second-floor window of a 15-year-old boy after his mother caught her nekkid ass in his bedroom.
At about 2:00 a.m. on January 21, the boy’s mother heard some sort of knocking sound coming from his bedroom. When she attempted to investigate, she found the door was locked. The kid must have realized mom wasn’t leaving anytime soon and eventually allowed her into the bedroom. It was then, police say, that she spotted a naked female crouching on the floor near her son’s bed.
Mom demanded the woman leave the premises, and after the woman collected her clothing, she complied…. right out the window. After what I assume was a hard landing, the woman limped off down the street.
About 30 minutes later, the woman returned to the home and informed the boy’s mother that she had broken her ankle. Mom then realized the woman that had shagged her son was a family acquaintance … an acquaintance she had previously warned to stay away from her son after she was caught flirting with him.…Continue Reading
Cleveland, OH — The totally sane lookin’ fella to the right is Daniel Roman — police say he aimed a gun at his 9-year-old daughter and threatened to pull the trigger last month after the girl stepped on his dog’s tail.
The child, along with her siblings, were apparently visiting Roman for the weekend when the alleged incident occurred. It is unclear whether the child was purposely mistreating the dog, but according to police, Roman threatened her with, “Step on the dog’s tail again, and I will pull the trigger.”
Roman’s grandmother, who claims to have been at the home that particular weekend, told 19 Action News that her grandson did not make any threats towards the child. Police say, however, Roman also threatened his younger children, 7-year-old twins, with bodily harm if they breathed a word to anyone.
The children’s stepfather, when contacted by 19 Action News, had this to say to a reporter:
“He called us denying it so I knew there had to be some truth in it.…Continue Reading
Shaneka Torres and an unidentified female placed their order at the drive thru early this morning, only to find out at the window that the employees had somehow screwed it up. I’m assuming a heated verbal altercation followed, because McDonald’s, and the two women were promised that their next meal would be free.
Police say the same two women visited the restaurant again at about 3:00 that same morning and placed another order. Again, the order was wrong. This time, though, the verbal altercation was escalated with a gun.
Police allege Torres reached over the driver of the vehicle and fired a bullet through the drive thru window before driving off. Fortunately, the bullet didn’t actually hit anyone, it just kinda exited through the other side of the building. Employees were pretty much clueless they had been fired upon — they thought a coffee pot exploded.…Continue Reading