Saskatoon, Canada — A couple of 20-year-old men are facing charges after an argument over diced onions led to the tossing of a snake at a Saskatoon Tim Hortons. Seriously, have you ever been sooooo mad…. ?
The unidentified men were apparently displeased about the shape of the onions on their breakfast order and an argument ensued. It quickly escalated, as arguments over food often do, and at that point, police say, one of the men did a reach around, stuck his hand into his partner’s pocket and removed a snake. No, not a trouser snake — a garter snake. Because who doesn’t have one of those just hanging around in their pocket? Trouser snake would have made for an interesting story, though….
Anyway, the man threw the snake over the counter and in the general direction of the employees.
There were no reported injuries, and it is unclear as to how many people in the restaurant shit their pants in fear, but it did create a bit of chaos as employees ran screaming from the establishment.…
Easton, PA — Authorities have reason to believe this freak, 53-year-old Gregory Graf, shot and killed his stepdaughter just so he could have sex with her corpse. What? Like you’ve never wanted anyone that bad….
Jessica Padgett, 33, was last seen alive on November 21, leaving her job as a child care provider at a Northampton day care center. Five days and several inconsistent stories later, Graf was charged with her murder.
Graf was taken into custody on November 26, after Padgett’s body was found buried behind a shed on his property. Authorities have stated she was shot in the back of the head.
Police found video footage of Graf violating the woman’s corpse on two separate cameras that had been seized. An additional recording was found on Graf’s computer.
Graf reportedly confessed to killing Padgett, a recently married mother of three, and police have no reason to believe the two were involved in any sort of sexual relationship before her death. Police believe Padgett was dead less than an hour after she disappeared.…
According to police, the Mrs. woke Hill at about 1:00 that afternoon, McChicken in hand. When Hill opened his eyes and gazed upon her offering, he apparently flipped his shit. Why? Because he doesn’t like McChicken sandwiches. *insert hysterical sobbing noises here*
Police say Hill tossed the sammich at the woman, then picked up the bun from the floor and smashed it into her face.
When the woman retreated to the restroom to clean up, Hill followed and began recording her every move with his cellphone, apparently hoping the woman would lose her shit and appear as the aggressor in the fight.
When police arrived on scene, Hill’s whole “she started it” bullshit fell flat. The cellphone video showed very little — just an injured woman knocking the cellphone out of her douchebag husband’s hand. The woman was sporting a red and swollen nose, and was found with mayo on her face and clothing.…
Jacklyn Blake was apparently sleeping off a few drinks when the boyfriend took it upon himself to dish up. When Blake came to, police say, she went all kinds of batshit crazy — because that’s what holidays and cooking and breathing does to women.
Blake apparently chased the man around the living room with a knife, then stabbed him once in the chest. She then threw the knife at the guy, hitting him just below the eye.
The boyfriend was hospitalized with non-life threatening injuries. We can only hope he learned a lesson from all this… just sit in your chair, watch your game, shut the fuck up, and don’t. touch. anything.
Blake was carted off to the pokey, and has been charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, simple assault, reckless endangerment and making terroristic threats.
Some people live for Black Friday sales the day after Thanksgiving, I live for the stabs.…
According to police, Sean Johnson was captured acting all suspicious and stuff on surveillance video Tuesday afternoon. In said video, Johnson is apparently seen approaching the innocent plush toy in the clearance section somewhere near the garden department. He was then seen carrying his new found love to the bedding department.
It was there, police say, that Johnson got busy.
In the surveillance video, Johnson is seen exposing his Johnson and humping the horse — utilizing short, fast movements. When finished, Johnson reportedly shot his load on the horse’s chest. Sated, Johnson placed the stuffed animal on top of a comforter set and exited the store.
I have to assume security personnel were rolling on the floor laughing, while vomiting, maybe, and that’s why they failed to apprehend the plushie fucker before he was able to make it out of the store.…
Kevin Davis reportedly admitted to police back in March that he first attempted to kill his mother, Kimberly Hill, by strangling her with a power cord from a video game console. She didn’t die, though, just kept screaming and stuff, so he struck her upside the head with a hammer 20-some times. That probably did the trick, but Kevin wanted to be sure sure, so he reached inside her broken head, he told police, and moved her brain around a bit to ensure she was dead.
Once the woman was dead dead, Kevin told police he raped her “dead corpse.”
When officers asked if that was his first time, Kevin responded that yes, it was. “Guess I lost my virginity to a dead corpse,” he confessed.
Kevin had initially planned on killing his younger sister, too, but decided he’d had enough killing for one day….…
Shari Walters, 53, was charged Thursday with aggravated battery, cruelty or extreme cruelty to animals, and assault with intent to commit a violent felony.
According to the criminal complaint, one of Walters’ roommates called police a couple weeks ago to report she had been poisoned.
In the complaint, Walters’ roommate, Beverly Bradley, stated to police that she had witnessed Walters having sex with her German Shepherd, Spike, in a shed on the property. She was shocked, she told police, and returned to the house to wait for Walters.
When Walters walked into the home, she didn’t even try and deny that she had been screwing the pooch. Instead, she admitted to Beverly that she copulated with her dog. Multiple times. Furthermore, she also admitted she had been fucking dogs since she was 14. Hell, she even fucked her boyfriend’s German Shepherd, Jake. Multiple times.…
Jan Harding was dining at the restaurant with her husband on Sunday, when she poured a glass of tea from a self-serve dispenser. After one sip, she began gagging and spit the liquid out.
I said, what is wrong?” recalled Jim Harding. “She said, ‘I just drank acid.'”
Jan was rushed to a local hospital, where it was determined that the burns were severe enough to warrant a trip to a burn unit. She was airlifted to the University of Utah’s burn unit and remains in critical condition with injuries to her mouth, throat and esophagus.
Police have determined an employee mistakenly added “Clean Force Fryer Cleaner,” which contains lye, to the tea instead of sugar. The employee responsible for making the tainted tea could face charges of battery. If Harding happens to die because of the severity of her injuries, a charge of criminally negligent homicide.…
And my eyes just rolled so hard they damn near fell out the back of my head….
Judith Jones, 44, is facing charges of attempted murder and aggravated assault after her failed attempt at making her husband dead… something she had apparently been planning for quite some time.
Police say the couple’s 16-year-old daughter interrupted the attack late last month, quite possibly saving her father’s life. She later told police her mother had been planning to kill her father for about a year.
When questioned, Jones brought up the whole fish filleting spiel. Needless to say, that sorry ass excuse didn’t fly. She eventually admitted to the deed.
“I’ve seen stabbings before, but I’ve never had anybody tell us that they were dreaming that they were filleting fish when they committed a crime. It’s a first for that,” said Sheriff Fred Abdalla.…
According to police, the 9-year-old victim was stabbed once in the back with a kitchen knife and is apparently in critical condition.
Witness Glenn Stacey told a reporter from Fox 17 the 12-year-old boy approached him and asked if he could use his phone because he had just stabbed someone.
“He approached me at my house, I offered him my phone and I assumed he was calling his mother,” Stacey said. “Lo and behold he was calling 9-1-1 to say ‘I stabbed someone, please pick me up, I want to end my life.'”
Stacy went on to say the boy told him he was upset because nobody loved him and mentioned he had taken multiple pills earlier that day.
“I calmly started doing what I normally do, I didn’t want to agitate him and make sure he didn’t run away and give time for the police to actually show up, but very calmly he stood there,” Stacy added.…
The victim, upset over the slip, started arguing with Tapia. The argument escalated, at which point Tapia allegedly grabbed the woman by the arms and threw her into a wall in the home they shared.
At some point during the commotion, the woman’s pet raccoon hissed at Tapia, and he reportedly responded by grabbing the critter by its collar and tossing it into another room, where it hit a wall.
And that, my friends, is why I call all of my men “babe.” No confusion, no slips. Ever.
The woman was eventually able to leave the home, went to her ex-husband’s motor home and was taken to the emergency room. She later told police she had suffered at least two broken ribs. No word on the condition of the raccoon, though.
Tapia was arrested July 21 and booked into the Uintah County Jail on charges of assault and animal cruelty.…
The alleged victim in this cookie caper, an unidentified 49-year-old woman, told police she believed her roommate, Allen Hall, was joking when he threatened to kill her for eating three of his Chips Ahoy! cookies for breakfast.
The woman told police she was getting dressed in the bathroom Wednesday morning, when Hall started pounding on the bathroom, making death threats and stuff.
She opened the door, she said, and exclaimed, “If you’re going to kill me, then go ahead!”
Probably not the smartest thing to say to an apparently unhinged, cookie-less motherfucker first thing in the morning, ya know.
According to the victim, Hall wrapped his hands around her throat and threw her into the tub, causing her to hit the back of her head on the tile. He then reportedly climbed on top of her and proceeded to choke her until she found it difficult to speak or breathe.…
According to police, Tatanysha Hedman set fire to 52-year-old Vincent Phillips with gasoline and a flick of her Bic, as he lay sleeping in their bed on July 17.
Phillips managed to extinguish the flames before driving to a nearby convenience store, where he screamed “I’m on fire!” Which, by that time, he was not. Oops, credibility GONE.
Store employees called for medical assistance, and when police arrived on scene, Phillips reportedly said, “My wife did it,” before passing out.
When questioned by police, Hedman, 40, admitted setting her husband on fire. She claimed he hurt his stepdaughter, and well, shooting him was just too nice.
She’s being held on charges of arson and assault — bail has been set at $500,000.
Phillips is currently recovering at Harborview Medical Center. No word on the extent of his injuries. …
According to police, Raymond Frolander, a trusted family friend, was caring for the boy Friday evening. Dad left the house to grab something to eat at about 1:00 a.m. Upon his return, he said, he heard a strange noise coming from the bedroom. When he walked into the room, he found Frolander, pants at his ankles, performing a sex act on the young boy.
And then, it was all about fists and feet and blood and bruises and pain.
“I just walked in on a grown man molesting [name redacted],” the unidentified 35-year-old man told a dispatcher. “And I got him in a bloody puddle for you officer.”
When asked by the dispatcher if any weapons were involved, the father said “my fist and my foot.”
“I didn’t proceed to ask him any questions sir,” the father said. “He is nice and knocked out on the floor for you.…
Kenneth Chambers and his roommate were apparently involved in some sort of strange altercation that stemmed from her refusal to clean his ear. One thing led to another, and Chambers ended up ripping the woman’s bedroom door off its hinges.
The alleged victim told police that at that point, she sat on Chambers’ lap and tried to talk to him, but he refused to be placated and pushed her to the floor. He then gummed her wrist. And then, well, he choked her a little bit and poured water all over her, damaging her hearing aid. When she stated she was going to call 911, Chambers threatened to kill her, she said.
When questioned by police, Chambers claimed the woman hit him… he was only trying to defend himself. He did admit to gumming her, but said it couldn’t have hurt because he doesn’t have any teeth.
Chambers was arrested after a witness confirmed the victim’s account of the story.…
It all started on July 4, when Cervellino’s wife contacted police after finding a toolbox in their home with marijuana and an assortment of pills hidden inside. She told police she snatched the drugs and took photos of the items with her cell phone before stashing them in her bedroom.
When police arrived at the couple’s home, the toolbox and the alleged drug stash were nowhere to be found. The woman’s pictures weren’t going to be enough to make a case, so no arrest was made.
Later that day, the woman claims, she returned home to find a watermelon on the kitchen counter with a butcher knife sticking out of it. Just moments later, she said, her husband walked into the kitchen and, without saying a word, began carving the melon in what she called a passive-aggressive and menacing manner. She whipped out her cell phone again and took pictures of the knife, which she later showed to police.…
Police were called to the home of Ward’s girlfriend at about 4:00 a.m. Sunday morning. Upon their arrival, they learned Ward and his girlfriend had been involved in some sort of argument, which led to Ward assaulting the woman. When the woman’s friends attempted to intervene, Ward apparently attacked them with a piece of lumber, injuring one badly enough to require a trip to the hospital.
Police arrested Ward at the scene and charged him with assault by contact/family violence and aggravated assault with deadly weapon for the lumber assault on the woman’s friend.
After Ward was transported to the Titus County Jail, officers learned that prior to their arrival, Ward had busted into a bedroom in the home and forced one of the woman’s two children, ages 8 and 9, to ingest an undisclosed amount of meth.
The child later tested positive for meth and was treated at the hospital.…
Surveillance video shows Lessa Iannone stuffing the undies in her purse Thursday afternoon, and walking out of the store without paying for them. She was seen making her escape in an ice cream truck.
One of the officers dispatched to the store was apparently familiar with the sticky fingered panty bandit, and she was quickly apprehended.
This is not her first rodeo…. she was busted for shoplifting back in March.
Iannone was charged with shoplifting and ordered held on a $2,000 bond.
Not gonna lie… I was hoping she had stolen the ice cream truck after lifting the frillies. Had my fingers crossed and everything. Kinda bummed me out to learn she actually operates the thing for a living. And a hard living, too, I’m guessing, if one can’t afford to shell out a couple of bucks for unattractive undies.…