Sacramento, CA – A 31-year-old woman wants to quit smoking so badly, she allegedly bitch-slapped a Sacramento County sheriff’s deputy earlier this week so she could go to jail, where smoking isn’t allowed. Makes perfect fucking sense.
According to the deputy involved, Matt Campoy, he was just minding his own business when he exited the main entrance of the main jail at the end of his watch Tuesday. The area outside the jail is apparently populated with people waiting around to see jailbirds and inmates recently released from custody, so Campoy didn’t think much of it when a woman stepped into his path.
“I stepped the left, she stepped to my left,” said Campoy. “I stepped to the right, she stepped to my right. I stepped to the left again and she suddenly stepped into me and slapped my face.”
Stunned, Campoy grabbed the woman’s hands and put her into a control hold and led her into the jail lobby. When he released the hold and placed her on a bench, she slapped his arm, he said.…Continue Reading
According to police, a 51-year-old man had been walking mid-block in the curb lane when Kristen Suggs plowed into him. Suggs then apparently fled the scene and called 911 to report that an “unknown suspect” threw an “unknown object” at her car, causing extensive damage.
By that time, medical personnel had responded to the scene of the “accident” and pronounced the man dead. His name has not yet been released.
When officers arrived to take Suggs’ report on the damage to her vehicle, they determined the damage was consistent with a recent vehicle/pedestrian collision, and she was placed under arrest.
Suggs was booked into jail and charged with leaving the scene of a fatal accident. Police have reason to believe she was intoxicated at the time of the collision and DUI charges are pending.
I see a meme in this woman’s future.…Continue Reading
Jason Vickery apparently passed by the home sometime last Wednesday evening and noticed one of the doors was unlocked. Instead of entering the home immediately, Vickery reportedly went to his own home and grabbed a bag containing a wig, a pouch of chewing tobacco, a green towel and a salad.
Vickery then returned to the unoccupied home, police say, and entered through the unlocked door.
Vickery reportedly told police that upon entering the home, he headed to an upstairs bathroom to masturbate. Cause, you know, priorities and stuff.
Once his worm was burped, Vickery wandered into the kitchen. (No word on whether he had washed his hands first). On the kitchen counter he found a remote control helicopter, minus the batteries.
“After searching for and finding batteries for the toy, he played with it, flying it for a short time, thus depriving the owner of the item,” police said.…Continue Reading
Mr. Wagner was taken into custody on various charges after a peculiar incident at a Burlington Coat Factory in Louisville earlier this week.
According to the police report, officers found the 50-year-old Wagner on his hands and knees in the shoe department, picking at lint in the carpet and eating it. Much to my disappointment, he was apparently fully clothed at the time.
When officers made contact with Wagner, they noted his dilated eyes, slurred speech and unsteady gait. A search of his person revealed a little of this and a little of that – officers found bags of Lortabs, some unknown pills, crystal meth and an unknown white powder.
Wagner reportedly admitted to having smoked a little meth before venturing into the department store. He’s been charged with possession of a controlled substance and public intoxication.…Continue Reading
Police responded to the home the couple had shared for nearly 40 years Wednesday, after receiving a call from Annie’s granddaughter.
Annie apparently called her granddaughter just before 1:00 p.m. and told her she had hurt the victim, Ronald, pretty bad. She went on to say that while her husband was helping her out with something, he hit her on the hand and began “talking smart” to her. She “lost it,” she said, and hit him upside the head with a baseball bat and cut him with a knife.
According to police, they found Ronald lying in a pool of blood. It appeared as if he had suffered from a bit of blunt force trauma to the head — officers observed part of his skull exposed. Blood spatter and brain matter were apparently evident on the floors and wall.
Annie was found in another bedroom, getting dressed. Officers noted she had blood spatter on her shoes and a piece of human tissue on her forehead.…Continue Reading
Laquavia Wallace, 22, was taken into custody earlier this week after police say she violently yanked her ex-boyfriend’s penis during a dispute over their relationship.
According to the police report, Wallace was at the victim’s home Tuesday, picking up the offspring they share, when she mentioned that she was was interested in resuming their relationship.
The victim, Antonio Williams, wasn’t having it — he reportedly told Wallace that he wasn’t interested in a relationship at this time. And with that, Wallace allegedly grabbed a handful of dick and began pulling and yanking, causing pain and quite possibly a few tears.
Wallace was arrested for misdemeanor battery and booked into the Manatee County jail. Bail has not yet been set.…Continue Reading
The victim reportedly told police he met the women at a nightclub and accepted a ride home in the early morning hours of March 31. Instead of dropping him off at his doorstep, he said, they sexually assaulted him in a nearby parking lot. All four of ‘em.
Police declined to provide details of the alleged sexual assault, thank gawd, but say the man finally decided to come forward last Friday.
According to the victim, the women are all somewhere between the ages of 30 and 36, each stood about 5-foot-4 and each weighed about 200 pounds. They were wearing short black dresses, high heels and no pantyhose. The driver had a British accent with short blond hair and a tattoo of wings on the back of her neck, the man told police. Another woman had longer, dark hair with red dye at the bottom. All four were last seen driving off in a silver Honda SUV.…Continue Reading
West Covina, CA — An unidentified man with a helluva DIY project in mind, apparently walked into a West Covina Home Depot Wednesday evening and proceeded to saw through both of his arms as horrified customers looked on.
Police and witnesses say the man calmly walked into the store’s tool section just before 1:00 p.m., grabbed several small handsaws, including one meant to cut sheet rock, and got busy.
“He cut both arms with hand saws down to the bone,” said West Covina police Cpl. Rudy Lopez. ”He was pretty much intent on doing what he did.”
An off-duty paramedic from the Pasadena Fire Department had been shopping nearby and rushed to help.
“The officers had already found the man down, face down, blood all over the store, multiple aisles, and the whole store is in chaos,” the paramedic, Art Hurtado, said.
Hurtado told reporters he thought the man was dead, but when he checked he found breath and a slight pulse and said he thought to himself, “I can save this guy.”
With help from others, Hurtado rounded up some rags and rope and, poof!…Continue Reading
According to the police report, Samantha Malson and her boyfriend, Lars Hansen, had been celebrating his 26th birthday that evening — shit got hostile shortly after Hansen accused Malson of drinkin’ up all the liquor in the house.
Malson told police she left the house and went to cool off in her car. Hansen reportedly texted her from inside the house, inviting her back in on one condition: that she not “go crazy.” Yeah, cause crazy bitches follow orders.
Once back inside, all was copacetic. For a minute….
The couple began listening to the tune and Hansen began singing along. Because, how could you not? This displeased Malson. She told police she requested that Hansen STFU already – about 25 times.
“He just annoyed me,” she said. “So I pushed him.”
She went on to say that after pushing him a few times, she grabbed him by the throat.…Continue Reading
Moon Township, PA — Sad panda to the left is 27-year-old Ashley Trimmer — she’s been accused of assaulting her boyfriend with a Playstation controller and a Furby.
According to police, Trimmer and her beloved, William Ley, got into a heated argument after Ley apparently posted something on Facebook that displeased Trimmer. (No, I don’t have a link to their Facebook profiles. Yes, I’m too fucking lazy to do a search).
The argument quickly turned violent when Trimmer picked up a Furby and tossed it at Ley’s head, leaving a cut on the right side of his face. That little shit-fit apparently did little to appease her, so she threw a Playstation controller at him, too, leaving a mark on the left side of his face. Being OCD, I totally get the reasoning behind the second assault….
When officers responded they found Ley bleeding from his face, with a red mark and bump on the head.
Trimmer was transported to jail and charged with assault. After making bond, she was promptly sent to her room without dinner to think about what she’d done.…Continue Reading
From what I understand Yolivel Lopez got a call from the cheatin’ bastard’s mistress and was informed the two had just got done doing the nasty.
The clueless hubby, Nefer Netan, finally arrived home early Tuesday morning and explained that he had been out drinking with friends. He then fell asleep… poor, dumb fucker.
Once he was out, Lopez proceeded to boil a pot of water. She then reportedly walked into the bedroom and poured it on Netan’s crotch.
According to the couple’s neighbors, Netan’s screams “pierced the night sky.”
Doctors say Netan’s junk was “utterly destroyed” in the incident. And Lopez? She hasn’t been seen since the alleged attack. Something tells me that mistress better watch her back….
Speaking of boiled hot dogs, we have featured at least three stories in the past few years involving ruined peni….Continue Reading
Ronald Howard, 30, was booked on battery charges earlier this week after arguing with his live-in girlfriend about his alleged ball scratching.
Howard was apparently just hanging out on the couch, scratching his nuts, when his girlfriend, 25-year-old Shalamar “Wow! Would you look at those eyebrows!” Petrarca, told him to knock it the fuck off. She was disgusted, you see, because she was apparently getting ready to shove food in her pie-hole or something.
According to the arrest report, this displeased Howard. He rose from the couch, police say, and confronted the woman, face to face, and demanded that she “stop judging him!”
Petrarca told police Howard then shoved her to the ground, threw her outside and told her to “get the hell out.” Police observed a scratch on the woman’s leg that seemed to back up her side of the story.
When questioned, Howard told police Petrarca punched him in the eye for scratching his balls.…Continue Reading
According to a police report obtained by those beautiful people over at The Smoking Gun, a 67-year-old man was arrested last week after witnesses reported seeing him sucking on a dildo at a local park.
The responding officer, Sergeant Steve Allen, wrote in his report that upon his arrival at the scene, he was flagged down by an unidentified witness who pointed to a silver car in the parking lot and claimed that he/she had witnessed the driver of the vehicle sucking on a dildo as he drove past.
When Officer Allen approached the vehicle, he noticed what appeared to be a flesh-colored dildo on the passenger seat. He then asked the unidentified oldster, the only occupant in the vehicle, what, exactly, he was doing. The oldster apparently replied, “SUCKING ON A DILDO, I’M SORRY!”
No, my caps lock isn’t busted….…Continue Reading
Skokie, IL — The pleasant looking woman you see to the left is 51-year-old Elaine Cook – she’s behind bars on a $100,000 bond for allegedly biting off a significant chunk of her boyfriend’s tongue. Yum.
According to prosecutors, Cook and her 47-year-old boyfriend of 10 months had just returned home after a Valentine’s Day date when shit got ugly.
After arguing, Cook demanded that her boyfriend vacate the premises. He tried to oblige, but made the mistake of trying to kiss and make up before leaving.
“He told her they should stop fighting and went to kiss her,” Assistant State’s Attorney Eve Reilly said, “and she bit off a large portion of his tongue.”
The man ran to the kitchen sink. Cook followed, prosecutors say, and placed the chunk of mouth meat in her hand and tossed it on the kitchen counter. Nonchalantly, I’m sure. Dude put the severed tongue in a bag of ice and called 911.
Cook’s been booked on charges of aggravated domestic battery.
Unfortunately for the boyfriend, due to an “inadequate blood supply,” the tongue could not be reattached.…Continue Reading
Farmington police recently released a surveillance photo of a man they believe has ejaculated or tossed semen onto at least two women at a local Walmart on separate occasions.
The alleged semen slinger has been described as a Native American man, 5 feet 3 inches to 5 feet 6 inches tall, weighing approximately 165 pounds. Police say it appears as if the man chooses his victims at random.
“We think he’s been doing this since at least 2010, and he may not have stopped,” Farmington Det. Corp. Kenneth Raybon reported. “These are just the only incidents that have been reported.”
That’s a lot of batter…
“The attacks happened on March 29, 2010 and Nov. 8, 2012,” Raybon continued. “We were able to tie the two instances together with evidence that recently came to light.”
Let’s not all panic and rush to Walmart at the same time, ladies….…Continue Reading
Fargo, ND — One man is facing charges and another is nursing a wounded arm after a threesome apparently went from sexy to stabby.
According to police, 33-year-old Ashley Hunter and former prison pal, Orlando DeWitt, 37, had been drinkin’ it up with a few friends of the female persuasion, when they decided to take the party to Hunter’s house.
DeWitt and one of the women, identified only as Leticia, started snoggin’ on the couch. That, of course, led to a coupling. DeWitt told police that he caught Hunter watching them from another room.
At some point during all this sexy, Hunter apparently materialized in the living room and began kissing Leticia’s bewbies. Leticia then began blowing Hunter, while DeWitt was still getting his groove on.
Everything was all hunky-dory…. for a minute.
Hunter reportedly demanded to have his turn down below. When DeWitt refused, Hunter got pissy and the two began to argue. Shit got real serious when DeWitt called Hunter a “fucking retard.”
It was then, police allege, that Hunter whipped out his big, 12-inch ……… knife.…Continue Reading
Josh’s brother, Michael Powell, threw himself off a 7-story building Monday, apparently after learning he would not profit from the death of Susan and her two sons.
For those of you unfamiliar with the Powell story, I must first congratulate you for finally crawling out from underneath that rock! And second, we’ll do a quick rehash.
Susan Powell disappeared in December of 2009. Her husband, Josh, told police that he decided to take his boys, Charlie and Braden, ages 4 and 2, on an impromptu camping trip that weekend, in the middle of a friggin’ blizzard even, and when he returned home, Susan was gone. Josh was named a “person of interest” in her disappearance.
Fast forward a couple of years. While investigating Susan’s disappearance, police find child pornography on a computer that belonged to Steve Powell – Josh’s father.
Not only did Steve’s computer contain pictures of underage girls, it also contained pictures of Susan. Dude was apparently quite obsessed with her.…Continue Reading
Kevin Voss, of unknown age, and his unidentified roommate apparently gained access to a shared crawlspace and drilled holes in the woman’s fucking ceiling. They then proceeded to jerk off as the woman slept and did what most women do behind closed doors. You know, like eat, read, masturbate, dance nekkid while singing show tunes, etc.
The creepy shenanigans quickly ended, though, after the victim’s cats alerted her to the goings-on in the crawlspace.
“My cats all went in the kitchen, and they were looking up at the ceiling. And when I looked up, I saw somebody walking across the ceiling. And I could hear them walking,” the woman said. ”I heard a noise up there. And when I hit the ceiling, one of them fell. And the other got scared, and jumped out a hole and ran down the stairs.…Continue Reading
Willie (tee-hee) Merriweather was taken into custody early last week after police say he whipped his peener out while being interviewed at a staffing agency.
According to police, the victim told police Willie entered the office Monday and sat down for an interview. The woman said she collected information from Willie, such as his name, previous employer and Social Security number.
The woman went on to tell police that as she was collecting this information, she glanced over at Willie and realized he had his dick out of his pants and in his hand.
“It fell out,” Willie reportedly explained.
The woman didn’t buy that excuse and ordered him out of the building before calling police.
At some point after that, Willie apparently showed up at Public Safety headquarters for an interview, and officers realized he had a warrant out for indecent exposure.…Continue Reading
According to police, Shaquina Hill is now facing charges of menacing and harassment, both in the second-degree, as a result.
The alleged victim, an 18-year-old woman, told police she and Hill argued about the mashed potatoes just before 9:00 Sunday evening, and things basically escalated from there.
Vague, I know. Screw a damn reporter who neglects to get to the true heart of a story. Pfft.
The victim reportedly told police Hill grabbed a box cutter and waved it at her, in an unfriendly manner, I’m sure. Hill then dropped the knife and started throwing things at her, the woman said…. things like a heavy ceramic vase and a, uh, coffee table. The victim also told police Hill punched her in the chest.
Ya know, there are three things you just don’t fuck with – another person’s significant other, another person’s alcohol, and another person’s food. Lay your hands on any of the above and you deserve to have some home furnishings thrown at ya.…Continue Reading