Half-Vampire, Half-Werewolf Arrested in Connection to Murder

September 28, 2011 at 7:14 pm by Knoxxxious  

Parker, FL – The arrest of 18 year-old ‘vampire’ Stephanie Pistey is dragging new details surrounding the murder of 16 year-old Jacob Hendershot into the light… where they may well burst into flame.

Pistey had at some point been involved with Hendershot. She would tell her new boyfriend that Jacob had raped her. On July 14th, Hendershot received a text message from Pistey’s current catch, telling him off. Hendershot was later lured to a residence where he was beaten by three men: William Chase, Joel Millsap and James Gay. One of the men allegedly punch Jacob with a chain wrapped around his wrist. Jacob would then be strangled and have his throat cut.

Millsap and Chase then allegedly took a boat into East Bay and dumped their and Hendershot’s clothes into the water. His body was placed in a storm drain where it would be for damn near a month before anyone found it. All three of the men would be arrested eventually, as would 30 year-old Tammy Lee Morris.…

Man Arrested After Leaving Kiddie Porn In Plain Sight

September 20, 2011 at 10:51 am by Knoxxxious  

Chicago, IL — When police stopped by his home to evict him for not paying property taxes, John Buddeke was arrested on child porn charges.

The 53 year-old, shown here being as handsome as he is intelligent, let the police in only to remember something important moments later. He attempted to walk upstairs, an action which police didn’t particularly like. They told him to stay put and went up instead. Displayed on a computer screen, in plain sight, was some illegal porn.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: how could he be that comfortable that he didn’t think to just turn the monitor off before letting police in? Well, I’m glad you asked. As it turns out, there’s a completely logical explanation.

You see, John here allegedly told police he’s been looking at the stuff going on 20 years now. I would imagine it could easily be second nature to him. Wake up, grab a cup of coffee and an Eggo, watch some kiddie porn, go to work, come home for a lunch consisting of a bologna sandwich and kiddie porn, and so on ’til bed time.…

Two Men Take Dead Friend Out For Night On The Town

September 16, 2011 at 12:12 pm by Knoxxxious  

Denver, CO — Two men have been arrested after loading a dead buddy into a car and galavanting about town on his dime.

When 43 year-old Robert Young (click the name…he’s pictured left and looking quite impressed with the size of the gentlemen to his right’s penis) came home around 11pm on August 27th, he discovered the man that he was living with had died. Young, having fallen on hard times, had been offered a place to stay while he got back on his feet. After discussing the situation with his friend, 25 year-old Mark Rubinson (pictured right, still dumbfounded by the sheer size of his penis), Young decided to not call anyone to report the death. Instead, the two took the corpse of 43 year-old Jeffrey Jarrett out for a night he would never forget had his brain still been on.

The pair first stopped at a bar and drank on Jarrett’s credit, leaving him (or what used to be him; I’m not sure how it works, really) in the car.…

Bodybuilder Accused of Chucking Dog Out Third Story Window

September 15, 2011 at 10:38 am by Knoxxxious  

Queens, NY - 30 year-old tough guy Milan Rysa is accused of winging his dog, Brooklyn, through his apartment window Monday night.

You can see just how adorable this dog was by clicking here, which will bring you to a photo album on Rysa’s woefully public facebook page. Rysa, a bodybuilder, dedicated this entire album to his ‘LIL BAD BOY.’

When police arrived with some heavy gear, including a battering ram, Rysa simply told them he had been asleep. They didn’t buy his story and placed him in a pair of douche-sized handcuffs, arresting him for aggravated animal cruelty and reckless endangerment. He was sent to the hospital for a mental evaluation and faces arraignment this morning.

The incident occurred around 9:20 pm Monday, when a someone witnessed Rysa throw something from the window of his apartment while loud dance music pumped. The witness called P.F. Chang’s police when upon seeing that  it was roughly fifty pounds of General Gao’s Chicken Shar-Pei that yelped before hitting the pavement.

The only, remotely bright side to this is that the dog  died instantly instead of suffering the effects of so much gravity.…

Faulty Soda Machine Kills Woman In McDonald’s Bathroom

September 15, 2011 at 9:23 am by Knoxxxious  

Pooler, GA - A woman found unconscious in a McDonald’s bathroom last Wednesday died shortly thereafter from asphyxiation due to carbon dioxide leaking through the walls from a faulty gas line leading to a soda fountain.

Firefighters were called when two women were found in the restroom completely out. Initial investigations pointed to Knoxxxious noxious fumes released by cleaning chemicals, however that was ruled out after the autopsy of  80 year-old Anne Felton from Ponte Vedra, Florida showed death by suffocation. Imagine drowning on dry land…

Carbon dioxide (not to be confused with the super-deadly carbon monoxide) is generally harmless. We produce it as a product of oxygen consumption, and it is then used by plants who produce oxygen. This is called ‘The Circle of Life’ and has nothing to do with this story other than to tell you that carbon dioxide usually doesn’t kill people and to reference The Lion King.

Carbon dioxide is so harmless we use it to make bubbles in our soda, which is exactly what the carbon dioxide in this McDonald’s would’ve been doing if it weren’t for a leaky line.…

Man Decapitated By Long Island Rail Road Train

September 13, 2011 at 11:01 am by Knoxxxious  

New York, NY - A man was decapitated on track 18 around 6:45pm Sunday night by an eastbound train at Penn Station.

Not much is known about the man, other than that he no longer has a head, is in his 40′s and may or may not be our old friend Mr. Pickle.

While police are still investigating, it isn’t believed there was any malicious intent involved. At this point they believe he may have not been able to afford a real haircut simply jumped or fell.

Transit employees have been offered counseling because apparently seeing someone get their noggin taken off by a choo-choo can mess you up a little.

Surprisingly, the whole affair only knocked back the entire transit system by 19 minutes. Perhaps I’m a bit used to the disastrous nature of my home state’s incredibly slow response to anything, but I feel like 19 minutes could be a record for having to mop up a suspected suicide.…

Iraqi War Veteran Killed When His Scuba Tank Explodes

September 13, 2011 at 9:56 am by Knoxxxious  

St. Petersburg, FL - Russell Vanhorn, 23, was killed early Sunday when a scuba tank he was carrying simply exploded.

Vanhorn was carrying the tank outside out of a condo while preparing for a diving trip with Sara Swoch, 27, and Brent Stevens, 22, who were also inside the condo at the time of the explosion but were unhurt.

The tank was found split down the middle and lodged in the man’s kitchen ceiling. The explosion destroyed the walls and ceilings of the condo, blew out the doors and windows, and even damaged cars in the parking lot. One car even suffered a door being blown out completely.

A neighbor, 58 year-old Greg Sullivan, rushed over to help what initially appeared to be a man bleeding from the head. When he got closer, though, he saw what he described as a “completely devastating wound” and realized it was too late.

Given the size of the blast, I’d imagine this to be as hopeless as trying to turn Chinese food back into puppies.…

Man Sentenced After Trying to Develop Child Porn At CVS

September 13, 2011 at 8:50 am by Knoxxxious  

Washington, D.C.– 30 year-old Byron Sanchez was sentenced to 6 years in jail after he got busted trying to get his kiddie smut developed at CVS like a dumbass.

Back in February, this waste of sperm contacted a woman in his country of origin, Guatemala. He requested sexually explicit images of a 12 year-old child. He instructed her to simply send the film roll in the mail. Apparently digital cameras haven’t been invented yet.

He then took the roll to CVS to have it developed. It was there that an employee discovered the nature of the pictures and called police. An investigation of Sanchez’s apartment uncovered more pictures of the girl… from when she was ten.

Police believe he had requested pictures of the woman and the girl several times. Sanchez plead guilty to one count of receiving child porn and was handed 10 years of supervised release upon completion of his prison term.

I’m not entirely sure what ‘supervised release’ is, but it sounds like it would make the scenario of Sanchez being found in tiny pieces in an abandoned warehouse at least 20 miles away from my house less likely.…

Man Held For Mental Evaluation After Intentionally Singeing Genitals In Park

September 12, 2011 at 7:51 am by Knoxxxious  

Seattle, WA –  An unidentified man was sent to the Harborview Medical Center after police and firefighters found him in a public park trying to roast his own chestnuts shortly after midnight on Wednesday.

The man, wearing crotch- and ass-less spandex chaps, had built a small fire in a fountain located in Seattle’s Prefontaine Place Park. He was apparently found gyrating over the flames, letting them touch his genitals and buttocks.

When asked just what in hell he was doing, the man said he was having a ‘weenie roast.’ Cue rimshot and laugh track.

Firefighters put out the fire and police brought him to the whacko-basket.

Though there’s no way for us to know what his real intentions were, whether this was some ritual to ward off space aliens or a desperate stunt to sell more spandex chaps, but I’d like to think of him as a sort of performance artist/comedian. I’ve been accused (and rightly so) of reaching too far for joke, but this guy literally put his dick in a fire and then said ‘weenie roast.’ For that, I salute him.…

Burglary Suspect Makes Half-Naked Getaway

September 8, 2011 at 9:18 am by Knoxxxious  

Lemon Grove, CA — Police are currently looking for a burglary suspect who, after a struggle with the victim, ran away in her skivvies.

Richard Sowards went to the store to buy dog food, and upon his return found a petite young woman in his home, holding his laundry basket. When the bright light and angel choir faded, Sowards realized she wasn’t there to give him the gift of hotness and the fresh scent of Gain, but to rob him. Inside the basket were a jewelry box and some computers.

The suspect then ran into the backyard, but was unable to scale the large fences surrounding the property. She ran back towards the house and attacked Sowards. Both the suspect and the victim were attempting to make cell phone calls during the fray, but Sowards said the woman kept knocking the cell phone out of his hands as he tried to contact police.

At some point, the burglar picked up a flower pot and smashed it over Sowards’ head. He would also suffer a laceration to his leg from a piece of the broken pot.…

Man Shot By His Own Mother After Epic Temper Tantrum Involving Horse

September 7, 2011 at 11:03 am by Knoxxxious  

Montrose, PA -  A Pennsylvania woman resorted to shooting her 36 year-old son in the chest after he allegedly, and completely, lost his shit.

It all started just after midnight on Monday. Police responded to a domestic disturbance and removed 36 year-old Shane Hazlett from his family’s home, telling him not to return. Hazlett went to a friend’s house and, apparently unsatisfied with what had transpired so far, took to facebook with harassment and threats.

There’s very little information on what the initial spat was about, but what happened after Hazlett left the keyboard and ventured back out into the real world makes for one hell of a tale.

Hitching a ride with a friend, Hazlett returned to the house and threatened to kill his family members. Likely stemming from a desire to not be killed, they closed and locked the front door. Hazlett reportedly used a fire extinguisher to smash the front door open and unlock it.

Once inside, Hazlett pulled an Olivia Newton-John and  decided to get physical.…

Naked Man Arrested Again After Demanding His Drugs Back

September 6, 2011 at 8:52 am by Knoxxxious  

Lufkin, TX -- Almost immediately after being released following an arrest for public intoxication and disorderly conduct, a Texas man was arrested again for threatening the deputy that confiscated his drugs.

A little after noon on Monday, August 31st, police received reports of a man sitting on the side of the road and decided to do a welfare check. When they found him, 48 year-old Douglas Paul McCoy did what any sane, stable individual would do in his situation: he got completely naked.

Police have dealt with McCoy in the past for stalking his ex-wife and say he’s ”…very anti-social, anti-government, anti-law enforcement.” McCoy allegedly began swearing at officers and threatening to take away their guns and tazers. I get super powers when I’m naked, too.

“It’s a little awkward just because when he’s naked you don’t have anything to grab hold of,” said Lt. Bryan Holley. Sure you do, you’re just a little shy, it’s okay.

McCoy, believed to be high on the drug K-2, was arrested and charged with public intoxication and disorderly conduct.…

Man Pleads Guilty to Molesting Toddler Whose Bikini Excited Him

August 30, 2011 at 9:36 am by Knoxxxious  

Canyon County, ID – An Idaho man has saved the state a lot of money and time by simply admitting he molested a toddler during a camping trip.

Anthony J. Asbell, 25,  has also saved me the aggravation of having to use words like ‘allegedly.’ If only all people were so selfless…

Back in July, Asbell went camping along the Snake River with his fiancee and some friends who had children, one of which was a 3 year-old girl.

Asbell would later admit, during a phone call with one of the child’s parents that just so happened to be recorded by police, that the girl “might have excited me because she was running around all day in a bikini. I don’t know what was going through my head, but it wasn’t good.”

I do know what’s going through my head right now, having to read about this sick animal, and you can bet your ass it isn’t good.

All hot and bothered, Asbell decided to take a dip in the water and bring the girl with him.…

Man Accused Of Sexually Assaulting Teen Boy After Watching Porn With Him

August 29, 2011 at 10:48 am by Knoxxxious  

Lufkin, TX –  A 55 year-old man has been arrested after he allegedly molested a teenage boy after watching porn with him.

William Joseph Bass (who really looks like some sort of botched Lemmy Kilmister clone) and I both enjoy booze, porn and masturbation. However, whereas I would’ve thrown in a blowtorch and some gummy bears to spice things up, Bass apparently decided that a 14 year-old boy was a good addition.

On August 15th the boy was staying the night at Bass’s residence, which strikes me as odd since, based just upon looks, I wouldn’t trust this fella to watch the crumbs in my toaster.

Police are saying that Bass was drinking and had watched porn with the lad. He upped the creep factor by masturbating in front of the boy. After viewing several movies, the boy decided to go to bed.

During the night, the boy reportedly awoke to Bass climbing in the bed where he slept to assault him. A medical exam revealed injuries to the boy consistent with the story he told.…

Man Crashes Stolen Semi Into Adultmart, Makes Off With $800 Sex Toy

August 25, 2011 at 11:20 am by Knoxxxious  

Brownhelm Township, OH - Around 2 a.m. Monday morning, a man crashed a stolen semi into an adult store to swipe a $800 sex toy.

After the smash-and-grab, the perpetrator was found by police, still in the truck. The man successfully eluded capture after jumping out and fleeing the scene. He has likely had an awesome week seeing as the toy was no where to be found.

The toy itself is described as a ‘life-size masturbator’ with ‘legs, buttocks and female genitalia.’ Other selling points not included on the box are ‘will not make you go apple-picking on Sunday’ and ‘will not make discouraging comments about the size of your wallet and/or penis.’

It’s also not the first time this store has went through this. Last year, a man drove a car into their store and stole a similar, yet less expensive toy.

The following news report is easily one of the most unprofessional pieces of ‘journalism’ I have ever witnessed in my life. Aside from the hysterical and  witty ‘sex drive’ graphic that looks like it was made by a Saved by the Bell fan, you’ll notice that bloated douche, Harry Boomer, stoops to name-calling almost immediately and continues relentlessly throughout the story.…

Breast Implant Accident Spurs New Rules For Paintball Company

August 25, 2011 at 9:31 am by Knoxxxious  

London, UK - Two days after being shot with a paintball in the chest, a 26 year-old woman found out the impact had ruptured one of her fake boobies.

What the woman initially thought was simply a bruise from a closely-fired projectile was confirmed to be much more by her doctor. Her implant had been punctured. The woman called the park to inform them, but no legal action is planned. You’ll be happy to know that the sweater-puppets are expected to make a full recovery.

This is the first incident of its kind ever reported. Despite the unlikely nature of the accident, the company who owns Paintzone Paintball Park, where the accident happened,  is issuing additional warnings and gear to customers with breast implants.

Said a spokesperson: “We’re now providing additional padding around the chest region to any surgically enhanced female participants.” I like that phrase, ‘surgically enhanced.’ Sounds a lot closer to ‘sexy robot’ than ‘stripper.’

Furthermore, the company added a line to its standard waiver, which reads: “Paintballs can damage/ rupture breast implants.” This is in addition to two separate items already on the waiver that state, in layman’s terms, that ‘paintballs can hurt like fuck.’ Sure, it seems as obvious as ‘Coffee may be hot’, but I didn’t think to wear a cup the first time I went, and I damn near got my dick shot off.…

Man Tries To Eat Woman, Claims To Be 500 Year-Old Vampire

August 17, 2011 at 8:59 am by Knoxxxious  

Galveston TX - Police arrested a  man who broke into the apartment of a woman he did not know, wearing only his boxer shorts, in an attempt to quell his vampiric blood-thirst by biting her neck.

The incident occurred Saturday. Lyle Monroe Bensley, actually 19, kicked in the door of a woman’s apartment in the wee hours of the morning. Clad only is his undies, Bensley began biting the woman’s neck and hitting her.

At one point during the feeding assault, Bensley dragged her into the hallway. It was here that she managed to escape and hop into a car driven by her neighbor.

Bensley took to running after the car, apparently hitting it as it sped off. When police arrived, they followed the hissing and growling sounds they heard in the parking lot. This led them to Bensley, who was, well… hissing and growling.

The police did eventually catch him, but they were forced to endure quite a bit of nonsense before they did so. Before the arrest, Nosferatu Bensley scaled two fences.…

Sex Offender Only Molested ‘Favorite’ Girl, 5

August 16, 2011 at 8:15 am by Knoxxxious  

Muncie, IN – A  sex offender was arrested after it came to light he had molested a 5 year-old girl in his care.

Police began an investigation of 62 year-old Paul Eugene Tracy on Thursday, after the alleged victim told a friend Tracy let her tickle his pickle when her mother left to run errands.

When interviewed, Tracy told police he hadn’t molested any other children besides this victim, which he did because she was ‘his favorite’. He admitted to letting the victim fondle him two or three times over a six week period, and also that he had done the same to her at least once.

As a result of these allegations, Tracy has been arrested, charged with six counts of both child molesting and child solicitation. This isn’t the first time this creepy bastard has said some weird things as a result of being charged with a sex crime against a minor.

In 1991, Tracy was arrested for molesting a 14 year-old girl. One day, Tracy told the judge in that case he couldn’t remember any specific sexual contact, but admitted he may have bumped into her during a basketball game.…

Church Brawl Leaves Pastor Tased, Woman Stabbed

August 10, 2011 at 8:30 am by Knoxxxious  

Irvington, AL - Two arrest warrants were issued after an argument over a paycheck escalated to a fight which led to a church pastor being tased and that assailant’s mother being stabbed in the arm.

The whole incident took place inside the New Welcome Baptist Church on Sunday. Simone Moore, a self-described R&B artist who also made an unsuccessful run for the US Senate some years back, was working as the church’s minister of music.

On Sunday, he received his final paycheck and was informed by Pastor Daryl Riley that his services were no longer needed . Moore took issue with the amount of the check, and the argument soon escalated to violence. Moore allegedly used a taser on Pastor Riley.

The fun didn’t stop there, though. Several other people joined the scuffle, including Moore’s mother. Agolia Moore was apparently stabbed in arm during the fray by church deacon Harvey Hunt.

The wound required 19 stitches according to deputies. Both Moore and Hunt have warrants issued in their name as a result of the incident.…

Police Caught Inmate Smuggling Drugs In Her Vagina

August 9, 2011 at 11:22 am by Knoxxxious  

Lee County, FL - Police say they busted a woman using her snatch to smuggle two rocks of crack and two pipes inside the Lee County Jail.

Angela Lynn Palmer, 37, had initially been arrested on Friday, facing charges of  drug possession, counterfeit identification, trespassing and tampering with evidence.

Whatever that story was, it must have been good, but I’m sure it pales in comparison to this peach.

On Saturday, while being escorted through the jail, Palmer somehow dropped a glass tube. When questioned by deputies (who no doubt felt something fishy was going on), she stated that she had additional contraband in her vagina.

It was at this point that an orange cigar tube simply fell out of her front-butt. Someone hasn’t been doing her Kegel exercises.

Deputies opened the tube and found two crack rocks and another glass tube. Both glass pieces contained drug residue. She is now facing extra charges of  possession of cocaine, possession of drug equipment, and introduction of contraband into a correctional facility.…