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About kniption

Title: Scribe
Published Articles: 454

My love of adverbs is eclipsed only by my apparent need to construct delightfully complicated multi-level sentences - using both arcane word choices and complex qualifiers - that often require a dry erase board to decipher. that one.

Miami, FL – Matthew Thomas Scheidt, 18, is facing a charge of impersonating an officer after making the fatal mistake of pulling alongside an undercover cop and advising him to ‘fasten his seatbelt.’

“The undercover officer made eye contact with the driver, and noticed that he was conducting himself as an officer, using a laptop, speaking with the officer using police jargon,” Miami Beach Police spokesman Juan Sanchez said in a statement.

After backup was called in, Scheidt’s car was stopped. Police said that, inside, they found a .380 caliber pistol under the front passenger seat, a Taser, handcuffs, a radio, an Osceola County Police badge, several Osceola County Police shirts and an empty ankle holster – presumably meaning that there was no ankle in it.

Some may recall that Scheidt was arrested last fall after treating patients at the emergency room at Osceola Regional Medical Center. At the time, Scheidt had claimed to be a 23-year-old physician’s assistant for a surgical group, police said. It turned out that Scheidt was actually a part-time billing clerk for the surgical group.…

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Kalida, OH - Ohio state police say Dylan T. Brinkman, 25, was driving about 1am Saturday on a rural highway when his vehicle dropped off the east side of the roadway, he overcorrected, and then slid off the west side of the road.

Brinkman’s SUV reportedly struck a utility pole broadside on its passenger side which severed the pole and brought the power lines crashing down. Authorities said that Brinkman – who is suspected by police to have been drinking – then got out of his vehicle and began walking down the road.

The police report goes on to say that nearby resident, 42-year-old  Michael E. Feldman (pictured), was at home when his power went out. Police said that the power outage prompted Feldman to leave his wife and 3 and 1/2-year-old daughter behind while he got into his car and drove the one-half mile to the crash site to help.

Once there, he got out of his vehicle to check the now empty SUV and – while walking to the crashed vehicle – stepped on a live power line, fell on to it due to the initial shock, and was electrocuted.…

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Duluth, GA - Donald Ray Ayro, 31, was clearly not pleased with the ruckus being caused by two 49ers fans after the 49ers had scored against the Saints. The three, who were at a Georgia Applebee’s, ‘exchanged words’ over the outburst.

“The only thing me and my buddy said was, we were excited that the 49ers scored,” Corey Adams said. “It was only one touchdown.”

Adams said that Ayro paid for his food and left in a hurry saying that he would be back – as in “I’ll be bock.”  Not long after, police responding to a report of shots fired in the parking lot of the Applebee’s found Adams, 30, with a grazing gunshot wound to his head and friend Christopher Middleton, 30, with a gunshot wound to the abdomen.

Witnesses provided police with a description of the alleged shooter and his vehicle. Not long after, police spotted Ayro on a nearby highway and stopped him for questioning. Ayro was then charged with two counts of aggravated assault, being a felon in possession of a firearm and possession of a firearm during the commission of a felony.…

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Gwinnettt County, GA – If Georgia police are correct, Joseph Raymond Zoeck, 62, is proving himself to be a veritable one-man crime spree. This after police linked him to the attempted solicitation of a young man in a suburban municipal pool locker room. The solicitation charge comes on the heels of his being charged for lighting the underpants of an underaged teen on fire in a motel room during an alleged sexual rendezvous. Wait… what?

According to police documents, on July 10, Zoeck offered money to a 17-year-old male in exchange for certain sexual acts. The two then reportedly went to the Suburban Lodge Motel in Woodstock. There, police say Zoeck bound and gagged the teen and set the boy’s undergarments on fire – with him still in them. It is not believed that this was one of the sexual acts that had been agreed to…

The teen was taken to Grady Memorial Hospital, where he told police what happened. Zoeck was arrested on July 19 and charged with aggravated battery, cruelty to children first degree, false imprisonment and solicitation of sodomy.…

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Kinston, NC - According to police, Krystal Jones, 24, was preoccupied by her huffing when she drove her car into a building in Kinston, North Carolina.

The building – which had reportedly been a pet store – was being renovated to become a church. More ‘renovation’ is now needed, as Jones squarely smashed it all to hell.

Jones was jailed on a $1,000 bond and, at last report, was still in custody. Police charged her with careless and reckless driving, driving left of the center line and inhaling toxic vapors.

The ‘driving left of the center line’ thing may seem like grasping. It turns out that some grasping was necessary as, North Carolina authorities say, she can not be charged with DWI because the physiological artifacts of huffing dissipate too quickly for impairment to be established post-incident.

It is unfortunate that – apparently – driving through a freakin’ building isn’t a crime…

That said, the fact of the matter is that this incident turned out comparatively well. This case comes on the heals of a couple of more tragic cases.…

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Stoke, UK – Steven Bould, 22, had suffered a debilitating stroke as a teenager after being attacked by a gang of youths. While recovering, Bould became involved with another stroke victim and they had a child together. They then split up. British social services became concerned and made the baby the subject of a child protection order. This led to a determination that the baby should be placed up for adoption.

On September 16, 2010, social worker John Orlowski arrived with the baby girl for a ‘family contact visit’ – one of the last they would have. Shortly after Orlowski’s arrival, Bould reportedly left the room to go to the bathroom. Bould’s sister, meanwhile, put a tea kettle on the stove. While Bould was out of the room, Orlowski brought up the subject of arranging the final contact visit before the impending adoption.

Court testimony described Orlowski hearing the kettle click and realizing that somebody was standing over him. It was then that Bould reportedly poured the boiling water from the kettle over the social worker’s head.…

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Lyndhurst, NJ – Milan Patel, 21, was arrested Wednesday on charges that he robbed two men after allegedly pulling them over while impersonating a police officer.

Police said two men were driving in Lyndhurst when Patel, who was driving a Honda Civic, ‘pulled them over’ and identified himself as a police officer. Patel reportedly told the driver and passenger that they had been speeding. Police reports said that Patel then instructed the men to get out of the car at which point he conducted a pat-down search.

During the search, Patel reportedly took a cell phone and a wallet from the pair. Police said that Patel informed the victims that he was going to run a ‘computer search’ on the vehicle. The victims reported that Patel then went back to his car and fled.

The report did not describe the circumstances by which Patel was able to allegedly pull the victims’ car over. According to police, the victims said Patel never showed any form of identification. So, we are left to conclude that the official look of Patel’s vehicle combined with his steely gaze was enough to quell any suspicions.…

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Hamilton County, OH – An Ohio man who faced a maximum sentence of only 8 years in prison for the beating and blinding of his 6-week-old son Devin offered his explanation during a sentencing hearing. Then he got to hear what the judge thought. I’m going with the judge on this one…

According to court documents, Nicholas McRoberts, 27, called 9-1-1 on June 10 and told the dispatcher that his six-week-old son wasn’t breathing and that he was performing CPR on him. During the call he reportedly stated that the baby was in distress because the child’s two-and-a-half-year-old brother had choked him. Emergency personnel found the baby unresponsive on the apartment floor with a skull fracture and other head injuries. Paramedics were able to revive the infant and transported him to the hospital.

Investigators would later establish that McRoberts had inflicted the injuries to the child and, in fact, waited over two hours to call 9-1-1. McRoberts was charged with two counts of endangering children and felonious assault. He was sentenced on Tuesday.…

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Westlake, OH – If you or someone you know demanded an Ohio teen surrender her panty hose so that you could ‘fix your muffler,’ local authorities would like to have a word with you.

Westlake police are trying to locate the man who approached the 16-year-old girl on the evening of Jan. 6 in a stairwell of the parking garage at Crocker Park Shopping Center. After confronting her, the man reportedly demanded her panty hose for his emergency car repair. The girl told authorities that he turned his back as she removed her panty hose. She added that, when she handed them to him, he ‘took off.’

The man is described as a white male in his 20s . At the time of the incident, he was reported to be wearing a camouflage baseball cap with writing on the front, jeans, and a dark color Northface-style coat. If you know of an individual fitting this description, please check also to see if he is relying on a wadded nylon ‘breathing apparatus’ while sporting an erection and a far-away look.…

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Prerov, CZ – An unidentified Czech thief was apprehended by store security after setting off the exit alarms. Security was reportedly able to make him produce a stolen pair of headphones ‘from his underwear,’ but the headphones did not have an embedded security device on them. They knew there was something more…

When police arrived, they searched the subject and found tube of lubricant called Indulona that had been stolen from the store and opened. According to reports, this caused the police to suspect that the MP4 player had been lubricated and then shoved in the suspect’s rectum.

“[On questioning,] the man admitted that the device was actually hidden inside his body,” deputy city police director Miroslav Snoot was reported as saying.

While security personnel and police waited, the suspect tried to produce the player,  but – being lubricated – the player wasn’t so easy to grab. I am not sure what “encouragement” was offered by the onlookers, but it must have been persuasive.

According to Snoot’s translated statement, “The suspect was initially unable to remove the contraband from his body.…

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Durango, CO - The parent of a Colorado teen has threatened involving the ACLU after claiming that the rejection of her daughter’s submitted yearbook photo is “censorship.” This, of course, would represent a landmark expansion of the ALCU’s role – given that they have not previously undertaken litigation in the area of bad taste.

Sydney Spies, an 18-year-old dancer and aspiring model, submitted a photo of her standing on steps wearing a black shawl as a top and a short yellow skirt. The ensemble left her showing her bare middrif. Given that such a photo is entirely appropriate for Myspace a high school yearbook, you can imagine Ms Spies’ shock when she was informed that the photo was rejected.

The reason for the rejection was not clear, however. Ms Spies reportedly told local news media that school administrators said her attire violated dress code – specifically because her top didn’t “fully cover the chest, back, abdomen and sides of the student.” The yearbook staff disagreed.

“The administration really had nothing to do with it,” Tevan Trujillo, a student yearbook editor, told a local newspaper.…

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Skokie, IL – A lawsuit filed Tuesday against Skokie School District 68 officials alleges that teachers were negligent in their treatment of 6-year-old Rahul Chandani when he fell on the playground last winter. Were they? You decide…

On Jan. 3 of last year, Chandani reportedly slipped on a mound of snow in the playground at Devonshire Elementary School. Court documents state that doctors would later establish that his fall resulted in a fractured tibia and a hematoma to his head. At the time of the fall, though, the only thing that is known for sure is that the fall made him a whiny little brat who – get this – wanted to be carried back to the school. Oh c’mon…

“His teacher told him, ‘You’re a big boy — I can’t carry you,’” the boy’s mother, Priya Chandani, told a local news reporter.  “She told him to walk back, but his leg was broken so he fell again and then had to crawl at least 200-300 feet [across the icy playground] back to the school building.”

The boy’s mother added, “If someone did that to me as an adult, I’d slap them.”

According to the lawsuit, the boy made it back to the school where he complained of dizziness.…

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Lakeland, FL – Danny Danny Parker, 41, is an innocent man. I say that because a lot of people pictured on D’D are guilty of something. Parker, by court decision, is not.

You see… Parker was a Florida Sunday school teacher. Sadly, he was arrested and convicted on child pornography charges in 2009. This happened after he was found to have taken photos of young girls at the church camps at which he volunteered, cut out their faces, and and pasted them on adult pornographic images. Parker was subsequently sentenced to five years for possession of child pornography.

It was reported that, while jailed, Parker read the story of John Stelmack. Stelmack was a principal at a nearby elementary school who had been arrested in 2007 for basically the same thing that Parker did. Stelmack was reported to have taken photographs of his female students and attached them to photographs of adult pornography. The resulting images were found in his school office. Stelmack was later convicted on child pornography charges, but that conviction was recently overturned.…

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Plaistow, NH — Barry Short, 22, of Massachusetts was arrested New Year’s morning after he allegedly drove past a New Hampshire police car in a Ford Focus with only three tires.

“Officer Jason Mazza observed a vehicle on Route 125 drive slowly by,” deputy police Chief Kathleen Jones said. “[The patrol officer] heard a loud noise and observed the car was missing the rear driver’s side tire, driven on its rim only. It wasn’t flat, there was no tire on it at all.”

Officer Jason Mazza pulled Short over and approached. Shockingly, the officer reported smelling a ‘strong odor of alcohol.’ Mazza questioned Short and noted that he appeared ‘disoriented.’

“Short believed at the time of the stop that he was in Methuen, Massachusetts,” Jones said. “He told the officer he couldn’t find a jack to change his tire, but couldn’t explain why there was no tire on the car.”

After failing a field sobriety test, a police search of the vehicle yielded a substance suspected to be marijuana and some paraphernalia.…

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Chicago, IL - During a rainstorm in 2008, Hiroyuki Joho, 18, (pictured) was trying to catch a train. While hurrying towards the platform with an umbrella shielding him from the rain, he made the literally fatal mistake of stepping into the path of an oncoming Amtrak express train.

The teen’s mother Jeung-Hee Park, had reportedly left Joho, a high school student, at the station that morning. It is believed that he thought that the approaching train was his local train and that he expected it to slow down. Joho crossed over the tracks using the pedestrian crossing which put him in the path of the train.

Joho’s train, in fact, had been delayed by the bad weather and overtaken by the Amtrak express. That train, traveling at close to 70mph, did not slow down. Joho was reportedly ‘shredded’ on impact.

Gayane Zokhrabov, 58, a commuter waiting on the platform was hit by a ‘sizeable portion of Joho’s body.’ The impact – which occured after a portion of Joho’s torso had traveled almost 100 feet through the air – was reported to have knocked her to the ground, breaking her leg and wrist and injuring her shoulder.…

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Langhorne, PA – Police have charged John Hardy, 45, of suburban Philadelphia after he allegedly attempted to snatch a 3-year-old out of the back of the car of a woman whom he did not know. This after an apparent road rage incident. …and before he reportedly got naked. If you are near a dry erase board, uncap a marker and try to keep up…

According to a probable cause affidavit, a Pennsylvania mother-of-three told police she was driving with her children – ages 3, 8 and 15 – when a white pickup truck cut her off several times. The woman reported that she drove into a shopping center where she maneuvered her car behind the pickup in an effort get a photo of the truck’s license plate using her cell phone.

According to court documents, when the driver of the pickup truck – Hardy – saw her take the picture, he ‘became agitated’ and blocked her car behind a vacant store. Hardy then reportedly got out of his truck and screamed profanities and threats while approaching her car.…

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Chicago, IL - Morning jogger Joseph Finley, 62, was reportedly left in critical condition after being bitten by two pit bulls over his entire body – including his legs, arms and face – police said.

The dogs, described by Chicago officials as unneutered adult males each weighing approximately 70 pounds, were reported to have attacked Finley on a popular south side Chicago jogging trail. One of the dogs was described as being chocolate brown in color and the other was described as being white with dark spots. The dogs were said to have had matching two-inch nylon collars.

Neighbor Stanley Lee opened an apartment window and heard Finley’s screams for help. When he looked out, he says he saw the two pit bulls attacking Finley.

“He was saying, ‘Help me, help me,’” Lee said. Lee grabbed a baseball bat and ran outside to try to chase the dogs away from the jogger. He said he hit the dogs repeatedly with the bat, but they would not release the man or stop their attack.…

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St. Charles, MO - Police have charged four men for the alleged kidnapping, beating, and torture of a 22-year-old man over a $520 debt. Just think what you could buy with that!

Brothers, Jeffrey Charles Wasser, 24, and Curtis Louis Wasser, 31, are said to have come to the victim’s residence late in the evening December 20 and to have forced him into an SUV. Once inside the front seat of the vehicle, the men bound the alleged victim – their cousin – with duct tape. The brothers then reportedly drove the victim to their residence while followed in a separate car by another local named Ryan Joseph Koenig, 24, and Christopher C. Lujan, 22. of Midland, Texas.

According to court documents, the victim was forced inside the residence, where he said the men bound him with even more duct tape and ‘threw him down the steps to the basement.’ Once in the suspects’ basement, the victim reported being beaten with the butt of a gun and tortured with ‘some sort of circular device with needles protruding from it.’ While this was going on, Jeffrey Wasser was reportedly demanding that the victim pay them $520 – the price the victim got for a shotgun he sold for Jeffrey Wasser and, presumably, never paid.…

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Joliet, IL - Sarah A. Monroe, 27, was charged by police after allegedly mugging a Joliet area woman and later using her stolen credit cards in attempts to buy gasoline and sex toys.

Police say that Monroe pulled her car curbside in front of a bar just before midnight on December 14. She reportedly asked a 25-year-old woman who was smoking in front of the bar for a light. When the victim leaned into the Monroe’s vehicle to provide the requested light, Monroe was reported to have ‘grabbed the purse off [the victim's] arm and driven off.’

As one might imagine, this theft was not as smooth as that homogenized description might suggest. The victim was, in fact, dragged down the street, Joliet police said. The victim also suffered a chipped tooth during the heist.

After the incident was reported, police soon discovered that one of the victim’s credit cards was then used to pay for gasoline at a nearby gas station. Police reviewed surveillance video and recognized the woman buying the gas as Monroe.…

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Philadelphia, PA - Mayra Flores, 19, Ana Mireles, 18, and Sandra Ortiz, 18, have pleaded guilty to charges related their presenting a birthday cake to a classmate that was frosted with human feces. The classmate and her family – who got sick from eating the cake – were not happy.

According to court records, the three girls and a fourth unidentified juvenile girl – students at Avon Grove High School – gave a cake to a classmate on March 23, her birthday. The girl reported that Ortiz, Flores and Mireles and the fourth girl ‘repeatedly’ tried to get her to eat a piece of it in front of them and that she finally did eat a small piece.

Court documents say that the birthday girl then brought the cake home with her where she, her mother, and three siblings each ate some of it. Because of the taste, the family decided to throw the cake in the garbage. As the cake began to smell even worse, the girl decided to take it out of the trash, wrap it up, and bring it to school with her the following day where she showed the cake to a teacher.…

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