About kniption
Title: Scribe
Published Articles: 455
Website: www.dreamindemon.com
My love of adverbs is eclipsed only by my apparent need to construct delightfully complicated multi-level sentences - using both arcane word choices and complex qualifiers - that often require a dry erase board to decipher. ...like that one.
Drunken Amish Buggy Race Leads To Collision With Squad Car, Rollover Crash
March 16, 2012 at 11:30 am by kniption
Sherman, NY – New York state sheriff deputies responding to a report of an underage drinking on a rural road presumably faced imminent death when – upon turning on to the road in question – they encountered several Amish buggies heading directly toward them in both lanes at a high rate of speed. Chautauqua County Sheriff Joe Gerace said Monday that there was, “reason to believe” that the buggies were racing.
Police noted that the drivers – who were jockeying for position while using both lanes of the roadway – tried to steer around the patrol vehicle. One of the buggies was unsuccessful, colliding with the patrol car and rolling onto its side in a horrific spectacle of illegal street racing.
A passenger in the ill-fated buggy, Marvin Byler, 19, sustained minor injuries when his leg was trapped underneath. The operator of the flipped buggy, Marty Troyer, 20, and a second passenger, Marianne Troyer, 18, were not injured. The horse became separated from the buggy and ran into a nearby pit area barn.…
Salina, KS - Ivory Francois Jr., 35, was strip searched last May when reporting for weekend jail time as part his probation for not paying child support. During that search, correctional officers found a lip balm container in his rectum that was full of… lip balm.
Why would someone smuggle lip balm into jail? Francois maintained at sentencing that it was simply because he had chapped lips.
Charles Ault-Duell, an assistant county attorney, countered that, in a jail, a small plastic tube can be adapted to many uses, such as holding drugs or being broken and sharpened into a weapon – but even the prosecution acknowledged that Francois had asked earlier about bringing lip balm into the jail. At that time, he was reportedly warned by jail security officers that he could not bring it in.
Francois had been found guilty of trafficking contraband into a correctional facility in a bench trial in December. His sentencing was not a small matter. Because Francois has had multiple convictions for domestic battery, battery and nonsupport of children, state sentencing guidelines dictated a sentence of three years and seven months in prison.…
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Alamogordo, NM — New Mexico divorce lawyer and past Otero County Bar Association President Raymond Van Arnam has been jailed after pleading no contest for helping a client break into a house where her estranged husband was living.
At the time of the Oct. 28, 2011 incident, Van Arnam was representing Melissa Stonecipher in her petition for divorce from her husband. Stonecipher was separated from her husband at the time of the incident. A temporary domestic order posted on the front window of her estranged husband’s residence stated the client needed to schedule a time to get her belongings. The video shows Van Arnam arrive at his client’s former home with several people where he pounds and kicks the front door.
In a 911 call to the Alamogordo Department of Public Safety, the victim, Stonecipher’s husband, stated that his estranged wife, Stonecipher, and her attorney, Van Arnam, were attempting to forcefully enter into his personal residence. The surveillance video showed Stonecipher’s husband and a roommate leaving the residence. Van Arnam is shown rapping on the driver window with a lollipop and then speaking to the estranged husband.…
Continue ReadingAcid Attacker Says He ‘Didn’t Know Sulphuric Acid Would Maim Victim’
March 13, 2012 at 7:24 am by kniption
Brussels, Belgium - Richard Remes, 57, is on trial in a Belgium court for injuries he inflicted on a woman who had recently ended their relationship.
Remes’ victim had been quoted as saying, “I just hope that I get to tell the court what I experienced, and how it hurt.” With Remes’ trial for attempted murder now underway, she finally has her chance and was in court to testify against him.
Patricia Lefranc, 48, told court members that she was, ‘determined to look him in the eye and show the jury what he has done to me’.
According to court documents, on December 1, 2009, Remes was waiting for Lefranc as she exited an elevator in the Brussels suburb of Molenbeek-Saint-Jean. Lefranc told the court that Remes – with whom she had terminated an affair – sprayed sulphuric acid all over her head and upper body. Remes was married with children at the time.
After the attack, Lefranc said she was convinced that she would die, but neighbors heard her screams and managed to get her to a nearby hospital.…
Continue ReadingCop Pleads Guilty To Showing Penis Pics To Women At Traffic Stops
March 12, 2012 at 8:26 am by kniption
Bridgeport, CT - Former Stamford police officer, Paul Mabey, 43, pleaded no contest to disorderly conduct after having been charged for showing a photo of his penis to women during traffic stops.
According to police, on May 21, 2010, Mabey conducted a traffic stop on a woman with her 21 month-old-baby in a car seat in the back. The reason for the stop… talking on her cell phone. Court documents describe Mabey pointing out to her almost immediately that her dress had ridden up her thighs. The woman apologized and rolled her dress down. She said that Mabey replied, “No. I like what I see.”
[Cue music] Boom chicka chicka wow wow…
Mabey would then be told by the woman that he was too old. [Music stops abruptly]
“I’m only 40. That’s not old, it’s experienced,” she quoted Mabey in her formal complaint as saying.
After taking her license and registration to his car, Mabey reportedly came back and told her she should plead not guilty to the cell phone ticket and buy a hands-free device.…
Continue ReadingMom Tells Police That Sex Toy Found During Child Abuse Investigation Is For ’15-Year-Old Girlfriend’
March 10, 2012 at 10:17 am by kniption
Scranton, PA - On Monday, police investigators were in the home of Waleska Guadalupe, 28, following up on allegations of abuse of her children.
During that visit, police asked Guadalupe’s daughter to show them a belt that the child had claimed Guadalupe had used to hit both her and her brother.
According to a criminal complaint filed in the case, the child went to a closet to retrieve the belt and – upon opening it – ‘reared back’ and told the officer she had seen “something disgusting.”
Inside the closet, police describe finding a sex toy. When police asked Guadalupe about the device, she reportedly told them that ‘she used it with her 15-year-old girlfriend.’
Bzzzzzzzzzt. Wrong answer.
According to court documents, Police immediately contacted the Lackawanna County district attorney’s office and were advised to pursue an arrest warrant against Guadalupe for statutory sexual assault.
Guadalupe granted officers written permission to search her home. The sex toy – along with the packaging from several other sex toys that she said she used with her girlfriend – were reportedly taken into evidence.…
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Toledo, OH - Lawrence J. Clement, 57, has turned himself in to Toledo police after having been told that there was an active warrant for his arrest. This in response to allegations that he was discovered touching a corpse ‘in a sexual manner’ while working at a funeral home.
Police say Clement – of Temperance Michigan – had “sexual contact by means of touching the erogenous zone” of Brenda Shular-Cameron, 51. Shular-Cameron had died Sunday of multiple organ failure. Shular-Cameron’s family was reportedly told that another funeral home employee witnessed Clement “fondling” the woman’s corpse.
Clement, who had worked part time at H.H. Birkenkamp Funeral Home where the incident allegedly occurred, has since been fired by the company, a spokesman said Wednesday. The family of the victim reportedly said they were told Clement worked there for seven years and was a ‘greeter.’
“I’m enraged,” said Anne Lamprecht, the victim’s mother. “My daughter died a horrible death. She was a beautiful young woman. I cringe to even think of them touching her.”
The family had the woman’s body transferred to a different funeral home, but the future is not yet clear.…
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Brooklyn, NY – On September 28, a 2-week-old boy died at Maimonides Hospital in Brooklyn. A subsequent investigation by the medical examiner office led to a determination of the official cause of death to be, “disseminated herpes simplex virus Type 1, complicating ritual circumcision with oral suction.”
This is basically a fancy way of saying that the newborn died after a rabbi with herpes cleaned the baby’s freshly circumcised penis with his mouth. Despite this sounding like a really good idea… it turns out that it is not.
Far from being some new fad, the ritual of oral suction — or in Hebrew, metzitzah b’peh — was first described some 1800 years ago in a section of the Talmud. The procedure is spelled out very clearly – as is the consequence of not doing it correctly.
If a surgeon does not suck, it is dangerous and he is dismissed.
Taken literally, the procedure occurs during the circumcision ritual as the practitioner, or mohel, removes the foreskin of the penis. He then sucks the blood from the wound to clean it.…
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Potrero, CA - Richard Fox, 39, achieved a D’D trifecta when, after drinking, he loaded his homemade cannon with powder extracted from fireworks, ignited it sending shrapnel through his mobile home, thus killing his 38-year-old girlfriend.
San Diego County Sheriff’s Department homicide detectives are investigating the incident at the Twin Lakes Resort mobile home park near the California-Mexico border where Jeanette Ogara was found dead just after midnight. There was little mystery as to the cause of her demise.
“They had a large-sized hole in the side of the trailer,” Mike Moller of Cal Fire told news reporters.
Three other adults were inside the trailer when the mobile home was hit by the shrapnel from the exploding cannon. For those of you who can still see on your four horizons the distant edges of the continental land mass that is Fox’s stupidity, I will add that the dead woman’s 4-year-old daughter was also in the trailer at the time. Thankfully, neither the young girl nor the other adults were hurt.
One of Fox’s neighbors said the couple have been together for about 10 years and that Fox was a handyman who liked to tinker with things.…
Continue ReadingJudge Resigns, Accused Of Showing iPhone Full O’ Penis To Worker
March 7, 2012 at 7:59 am by kniption
Philadelphia, PA - Willie Singletary had led a charmed life. In 2007, while running for the position of judge with the Philadelphia Traffic Court, it was discovered that Singletary – who holds no law degree – had a suspended license and more than $11,000 in traffic tickets. Singletary made up for his shortcomings with his positive campaign message, though.
“There’s going to be a basket going around, because I’m running for Traffic Court judge, right, and I need some money,” Singletary said at a 2007 biker rally. “Now, you all want me to get there. You’re all going to need my hookup, right?”
Singletary – shown in a picture from his Myspace page – would win that election. …and, after a small reprimand for the apparent suggestion that he would run a court steeped in corruption and favoritism, he was poised for great things. …at least until the FBI showed up.
In September 2011, the FBI raided the home and office of Administrative Judge Michael Sullivan and others amidst a long list of allegations of ticket fixing for political friends and family.…
Continue ReadingMan Sues Google After Street View Camera Photographs Him Peeing
March 6, 2012 at 8:20 am by kniption
Nantes, France — An unidentified Frenchman from the rural village of Vern d’Anjou is suing Google after having been photographed by a Street View camera while peeing in his garden.
The photo (seen here), taken in November 2010, subsequently appeared on the Google maps website. When the man discovered his photo online, he was understandably p… outraged.
“Everyone has the right to a degree of secrecy,” his lawyer, Jean-Noel Bouillard, told news reporters.
It was reported that the man thought that he was hidden from view by a closed gate as he urinated but, despite this, the elevated camera of the Google Street View vehicle was able to capture his image over the gate. The man – whose face and nearby license plate were blurred in the photo to hide his identity – claimed in the lawsuit that he was still recognized and that the photograph made him ‘the laughing stock’ of his village of 3000 residents.
The excruciating taunts that the man has been forced to endure presumably include questions such as “Why did you feel the need to hide behind a locked gate to pee in the first place?” and “Why did you not turn toward the camera upon realizing that you had the opportunity – nay, privilege – of peeing in full view of the world?” The hiding of public urination is seen as very suspicious in France.…
Continue ReadingGuilty Charge For Man Who Infected Toddler With Genital Warts During Rape
March 5, 2012 at 1:28 pm by kniption
Hermitage, Mo. - Marlin Dallas Lane, 29, was caring for an 18-month-old girl in his home between August 15 to September 30, 2009 while her mother – with whom Lane had another child – was working. Any mistreatment of the toddler during that time went undetected, but only weeks later the toddler would be diagnosed with genital warts on both her vagina and anus. According to the Webster County Health Department, Lane had received the same diagnosis in 2007.
As you might expect, at that time, the child was unable to verbalize any account of sexual contact to which she may have been subjected. It wouldn’t be until February 2011 that – according to investigators – the victim was able to begin to communicate the details of a sexual assault to a children’s services employee.
During a follow-up interview with detectives, the child was able to further verbalize the abuse and use an anatomically correct drawing to show detectives what “Daddy Dallas” had done to her. For those inclined, you can view the charging documents as a Word document here.…
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Macon, GA - With the apparent advent of the ‘God-fearing rapist,’ what was once simply a reprehensible and horrific act of aggression and subjugation has become something… more. Case in point: Jarvis Hurey, 28.
Prosecutors charged Hurey for allegedly breaking inside a 71-year-old woman’s home early July 7 and assaulting her. According to court documents, the woman was reading in her bed that night with her back door open but with the screen door closed and locked.
Senior Assistant District Attorney Don Kelly said that the victim looked up to see Hurey at her bedroom door. Hurey reportedly ‘ran forward and covered the woman’s head with a T-shirt.’ He then tried to rape her, Kelly added.
“What that man put me through that night was very painful, unbelievable, unimaginable and excruciating,” the victim said in court testimony. ”He raped me mentally and physically.”
“…before he left, he turned to me and he said, ‘Will you pray for me?’ and then he walked out the door,” the woman added.
Police reportedly found a palm print and DNA evidence linking Hurey to the crime.…
Continue ReadingWoman Faces 30 Years In Prison For Handing Drunk Boyfriend Keys
March 2, 2012 at 7:19 pm by kniption
Nashville, TN - In the early hours of December 10, Erin Brown, 21, and her boyfriend – who had been out drinking – reportedly decided to call it a night. Believing that she was too drunk to drive, Brown handed the keys of her Toyota Scion over to her boyfriend, Trevor Bradshaw, 23.
They didn’t make it very far. Bradshaw, who police say was speeding, hit two pedestrians, crossed a median, and struck a taxi cab head on. According to witnesses, Bradshaw then loudly declared ’10-15 times’ that he was drunk before fleeing – only to be brought back to the scene by two witnesses. According to police, Bradshaw fled again before police arrived on the scene.
After being transported to a local hospital, Michael Brooksher, 22, died on Dec. 12. Booksher’s friend, Tommy Allen, 23, was in a coma for nearly two months after being struck. He died due to his injuries on Feb. 7. The taxi driver and Brown reportedly suffered only minor injuries. Brown remained on the scene.…
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Northampton, UK - The UK furniture retailer Sofa King came under fire when an advertisement in a local newspaper – using their 9-year-old slogan – drew complaints from three readers.
From it’s early beginnings, Sofa King has taken pride in the particular way that they do business. Customers were assured that the prices they were paying were not just low - they were Sofa King low! …and the delivery wasn’t just fast – it was Sofa King fast!
But, alas, an era has ended… The recent review by the UK Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) stemming from the reader’s objections resulted in one inescapable conclusion – their slogan is Sofa King offensive that it should not be used.
“The ASA noted that the phrase ‘Sofa King Low’ used the advertiser’s company name – but considered that it could be interpreted as a derivative of the swear word ‘f***’, which consumer research had found to be a word so likely to offend that it should not be used in ads at all, even when it was relevant to the name of a product,” the industry watchdog group explained.…
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Brooklyn, NY - On Nov. 13, 2002, a 12-year-old girl was taken by a man into a ‘filthy’ elevator room on the rooftop of her tenement and raped. Then, when the man was done, he raped her again.
“[The man] raped a 12-year-old stranger, then completely dressed her, leading her to believe — however fleetingly — that her nightmare [was] over. He then undressed her and raped her a second time,” Brooklyn Supreme Court Justice Dineen Riviezzo said.
With no suspect in the crime, life went on. The victim described that the attack made her afraid of men and changed her from a sweet young girl into an aggressive and reclusive teen. “I had nightmares day in and day out, year after year,” she added.
Then, six years later, a man named Adam Wright, now 44, would be arrested for an open alcohol container violation. A DNA test conducted at the time of that arrest matched him to the young girl’s rape. Wright was charged and put on trial.
During the trial, Wright acted as his own lawyer.…
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Hobe Sound, FL - Kevin Brann, 41, left quite an impression on a Florida deputy after being stopped following a rear-end collision with another vehicle. The collision reportedly occurred just before noon last Friday.
Brann – who the deputy observed as strongly smelling of alcohol, and having slurred speech and bloodshot eyes – initially denied that he had been drinking. According to the police affidavit, after failing a field sobriety test, Brann admitted to drinking and was arrested for drunk driving with property damage. He was then placed in the deputy’s patrol car.
In court documents, the deputy described the eventful trip to the Martin County Jail saying that Brann both urinated and defecated on himself while in the back of the vehicle. The deputy goes on to write, “The defendant had a sexual anus plug in his rectum, which he removed, or it fell out in the rear of my patrol car.”
Perhaps now is a bad time for me to propose “becoming a police officer” to all of you job seekers out there…
Blood analysis would subsequently show Brann testing with impressive blood-alcohol levels of .409 and .412, respectively.…
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Winter Park, FL - For roughly 3500-years, a historic pond cypress tree at Big Tree Park in Longwood, Florida had managed to survive everything that the world could throw at it. Then along came 26-year-old Florida resident Sara Barnes.
The tree was called “The Senator” – a reference to Florida Sen. M. O. Overstreet who donated the park property to the public in 1927. At 3500-years-old, the tree was regarded as the world’s oldest pond cypress tree and, in fact, the fifth oldest tree in the world. It stood about 120 feet tall with a diameter of nearly 18 feet. The tree was the main attraction in the Big Tree Park. In the early morning of Jan. 16, the tree collapsed after catching fire.
Authorities said that two Crimeline tips led the Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services to Barnes. The tips reportedly told authorities of cellphone pictures of the fire taken by Barnes. One source told local news media that Barnes – self-described as an aspiring model – had shown the pics to pals and bragged, “I can’t believe I burned down a tree older than Jesus.”
Deputies and agents served a search warrant at Barnes home.…
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Redfield, IA – An Iowa man was hospitalized after what first looked to be an armed recovery mission by a team of Delta Force raccoons. Authorities would establish, instead, that the gunfire was the unexpected result of an intentional, albeit poorly implemented, plan.
The melee began last Saturday morning when Larry Godwin, 68, reportedly discovered a raccoon in a live trap that he had set. Soon after, Godwin set upon the plan of an execution-style slaying of the caged animal. Brandishing a .22 caliber handgun, Godwin shot at the trapped raccoon.
The first shot Godwin fired ricocheted from the cage, reportedly striking Godwin in the right lower abdominal area. This caused Godwin to drop the pistol and it fired again, striking him again in almost precisely the same location as the first shot. It is believed that, at this point, the original mission was aborted.
An investigation at the scene presumably established that the caged raccoon was not in the possession of a concealed firearm and, in fact, had no field radio equipment that would indicate the summoning of a heavily-armed extraction team.…
Continue ReadingMan Charged With Possessing Images Of Child Rape, Bestiality
February 28, 2012 at 2:58 pm by kniption
Louisville, KY - After apparently concluding that Cody Huff, 18, is genetically humanoid, police have charged him with two child pornography counts. This after detectives were able to use a file sharing program to download questionable media files directly from Huff’s computer.
A search warrant was obtained based on the content of those downloads. The search – executed at Huff’s apartment on Dec. 23 – reportedly resulted in the discovery of more images and movies on his computer.
“Several movies showed children as young as 3-years-old being raped by adult males,” police said while describing the content. “One image depicted a 9-year-old girl performing oral sex on a dog.”
Huff has been charged with felony distribution and felony possession of child pornography and assigned a whopping $10,000 full-cash bond. Huff is scheduled for arraignment Thursday morning.…
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