Man Tried Drowning Himself In Jail Cell Urinal

December 2, 2011 at 8:18 am by kniption  

Rochester, PA — Police reported a rough Monday night for a Pennsylvania state man. The evening reportedly included fighting with police officers, vandalizing a patrol car, and an unsuccessful suicide bid in a police station urinal.

According to police reports, the mayhem began when Samuel D. Boyd, 23, was found by Rochester officer Cesar Chavez to be sleeping in his car in the roadway around 4:50 a.m. After being awakened by Chavez, Boyd did not follow field sobriety test directions and refused a blood draw.

Chavez wrote in the criminal complaint that Boyd pushed and kicked officers who tried to search him and tried to run away. After more officers arrived, Boyd was restrained by police who subsequently found 64 stamp bags of heroin, straws and about $230 in cash in his possession.

While being tranferred to the police station, Boyd is said to have ripped off a window cage in the back of a Rochester patrol car. Police reported that Boyd ‘continually threatened to kill Chavez’ throughout all of this.…

Woman Calls Police On Boyfriend; Boyfriend Implicates Her In Hit-And-Run Death

December 1, 2011 at 7:48 am by kniption  

Palm Harbor, FL - On Monday night, Heather Lynn Mayo called the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office to have deputies remove her boyfriend from their apartment. Robert Worden, 34, had reportedly just gotten out of the county jail after serving 40 days for obtaining property with a worthless check. Mayo said she was scared of him. Worden said he just wanted to see his 7-year-old daughter.

According to police, Worden agreed to leave. While walking out with the deputies, he pointed to a damaged Ford pick-up truck in the apartment complex parking lot and said he had a story to tell them.

Worden told deputies that – on February 4 – Mayo borrowed the pick-up belonging to a neighbor to make a marijuana run. Worden said that Mayo then texted him that she had struck a deer. Worden added that, a few weeks later, Mayo ‘broke down’ and told him that she had actually hit a person and that Mayo ‘knew the person was dead.’ She did not stop.

According to police, the person Mayo hit was Jeannie Fisher, 50.…

Man Apologizes After Breaking Into McDonalds And Cooking Food

November 30, 2011 at 3:32 am by kniption  

Cedar Falls, IA – Whitley Teslow, 21, turned himself into police and apologized for his late night food run. This after local news broadcast surveillance video showed Teslow breaking in through to a McDonalds around 2AM on Sunday.

Surveillance cameras at the restaurant show Teslow breaking in through the drive-thru window and cooking himself a hamburger and fries. He was in the building for a total of about half an hour.

Teslow says he only remembers parts of the event and “was not in his right mind.” He said he is not sure how he got to the McDonald’s, but is sure that he did not drive there. Teslow apologized in a recent interview and said he is willing to pay for any damages. Interestingly, it was reported that Teslow has never worked in a McDonalds – or any restaurant, for that matter.

Teslow is concerned about how this incident may impact his future career plans.

“It’s not who I am to do something like that. I’ve never been in trouble with the law before.…

Scorned Tattoo Artist Inks Pile Of Shit On Girlfriend’s Back *Fake*

November 29, 2011 at 1:56 pm by kniption  

Dayton, OH – I was going to post this last week, but I still cannot find an official news report. Supposedly, a man is being sued by his ex-girlfriend after tattooing a steaming pile of shit on her back.

Tattoo artist Ryan Fitzjerald is being sued by his now ex-girlfriend after tricking her into getting the crappy tatt you can see here. This was reportedly in response to his discovering that she cheated on him with his best friend.

Civil suit documents say that Fitzjerald offered to tattoo a scene from the Narnia trilogy on ex-girlfriend Rossie Brovent’s back – a tattoo that she reportedly ‘always wanted.’ What she got instead was flies swarming around poop. Wait… isn’t that a Narnia scene?

Brovent first tried to have Fitzjerald charged with assault, but Fitzjerald produced a consent form she had signed agreeing that the design of her tattoo would be “at the artist’s discretion.”

According to Brovents, “He tricked me by drinking a bottle of cheap wine with me and doing tequila shots before I signed it and got the tattoo.”

Brovents is now seeking yet another pile from Fitzjerald, suing him for $100,000.…

Hunter Commits Suicide Moments After Accidently Shooting Friend

November 29, 2011 at 12:24 pm by kniption  

Readsboro, VT - Investigators say Timothy Bolognani, 49, died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound moments after discovering that he had accidentally shot and killed his friend and hunting partner, Benjamin Birch, 39.

Bolognani, Birch, and a third friend, Mark Colford, had been hunting Saturday when the incident occurred. Police investigators said that the three men were tracking a deer Birch had shot. While separated, Bolognani fired his rifle reportedly causing Birch to cry out.

State police investigators said that Bolognani and Colford found Birch lying on the ground where he died. Investigators added that Bolognani then used his rifle to immediately take his own life.

“These guys were best friends and professional hunters,” Birch’s mother told news reporters.

The deceased hunters were taken to the office of the Chief Medical Examiner for autopsy. According to police, no foul play is suspected.

I can certainly imagine the grief that he felt…  but people need to count to ten or breathe or something.  Suicide-on-impulse is just a really bad idea.…

Man’s Call To Police: ‘A Motorcycle Gang Is Holding Me Hostage At Applebee’s’

November 29, 2011 at 1:44 am by kniption  

Carlisle, PA – Donald Gross, 36, called police to report that he was being held hostage by a motorcycle gang at the Applebee’s restaurant at Carlisle Commons Shopping Mall last week. The ransom: $250.

Police responded, but were unable to find Gross or the rogue motorcycle gang. Police began a search of the area and reportedly found Gross leaving a nearby movie theater.

Police said that Gross admitted to lying about the hostage crisis. Police also determined that Gross was had an outstanding warrant on a charge of retail theft – something that they never would have known, of course, if the bonehead hadn’t called them about a hostage crisis.

Carlisle police transported Gross by patrol car to Cumberland County Prison for processing during which Gross reportedly spat to such a degree that the car had to be placed out of service until it could be cleaned.

Gross, indeed.…

Woman Angry About Drunken Breast Grope Kills Groper With Fire

November 25, 2011 at 4:18 pm by kniption  

Wangaratta, Australia – Two years ago, Kerry Anne McNiven, 44, got drunk at a party and passed out. Gary Stewart, who was reported to have been a friend of McNiven for 10 years, took unfortunate advantage of the situation and touched her breasts ‘inappropriately.’ According to testimony, this act was witnessed by McNiven’s partner and three other people. McNiven’s partner, Ray Fleming, told the other three not to tell her because he knew she would be ‘upset.‘ A week later, the same crew was partying again. It was then that one of the three witnesses to the groping told McNiven about what Stewart had done.

Did she get upset? You decide…

According to court records, after mother-of-three McNiven was told of Stewart’s actions, she filled a container with a gasoline-oil mixture and placed it inside a shopping bag she was carrying. She then invited Stewart, pictured on the right, to walk to a nearby river. When they reached the river, they sat down at a boat ramp and continued to talk and drink.…

Video Captures Cop Offering ‘Legal Assistance’ In Exchange For Sex

November 23, 2011 at 7:59 am by kniption  

Albuquerque, NM - Now-former Albuquerque Police Department Officer Matt Kindle has gotten himself in a bit of hot water after being recorded in a hotel room offering to help a prostitute with her legal trouble in exchange for sex.

According to police, Kindle had been communicating by phone with a prostitute who had left town and he had apparently never met. He reportedly offered to help get her out of a criminal case if she’d come back to town and meet him. That woman, instead, called police. The result was APD replacing the prostitute with an informant and setting up a sting.

“It’s my lunch so I have time to chitchat,” Kindle – in full uniform – can be heard saying at the start the video. …and chit-chat they did. The video captures his entire lunch hour and a some 20 minutes longer while he an the informant discuss a range of topics. The topics included the fact that the informant doesn’t look quite like he had been told.

“Heather said you were really skinny when you left?” Kindle said to the woman.…

Man Arrested For Asking Fellow Customers To Help Him Masturbate

November 22, 2011 at 2:36 pm by kniption  

Albany, NY - Lashawn Johnson, 25, has been charged for two separate incidents during which police allege that he asked women in area stores to help him masturbate.

According to police, last month Johnson went into the Exscape smoke shop at about 11AM, exposed himself and began masturbating. Police spokesman, Officer James Miller said Johnson then asked a female customer – who we will refer to as Bad Samaritan #1 – if she could “help him out.” Bad Samaritan #1, confronted with the exposed johnson Johnson, declined.

According to Miller, earlier this month, Johnson entered a nearby flower shop and pulled the exact same stunt. In that incident, Bad Samaritan #2 also declined.

Johnson was charged with four counts of public lewdness, a Class B misdemeanor. Each charge carries a maximum penalty of three months in jail. Johnson was also charged with one count of grand larceny for allegedly stealing $2,600 worth of lottery tickets while he worked as a clerk at a gas station.

Police are concerned that Johnson may have been exposed elsewhere.…

Football Coach Resigns After Distributing “Hurt Feelings Report”

November 22, 2011 at 7:33 am by kniption  

Buffalo, WY - Pat Lynch has resigned as head football coach of a Wyoming high school due to community outrage over a document that he included in a information packet sent to student players prior to a recent out-of-town game. The document, entitled “Hurt Feelings Report,” appears to be an incident report to be filled out by individuals after suffering an encounter that has left them with hurt feelings.

A copy of the form purported to have been sent can be seen here. For those who are click-challenged, the “Hurt Feelings Report” asks why the respondent is filing, offering choices such as “I am a pussy,” “I have woman like hormones,” “I am a queer” and “I am a little bitch.” It also asks the respondent for the “name of ‘Real Man’ who hurt your sensitive little feelings,” “name little sissy filing this report.” and the filer’s “girly-man signature.”

“[Lynch] screwed up, he screwed up big time,” Johnson County School Superintendent Rod Kessler said. “None of us are happy that it happened.…

Father Shoots Man Holding Daughter At Gunpoint

November 21, 2011 at 2:23 am by kniption  

Houston, TX – Fourteen-year-old Moriah Goodie had only just left her home around 6:30AM on her way to school when she was reportedly approached by two males on the sidewalk in front of her home

“She was approached by two black males. One with a pistol grabbed her around the neck and had her in a choke hold, and held the pistol to her head,” Lt. Jeff Stauber of the Harris County Sheriff’s Office said.

Luckily, Moriah’s father Richard Goodie heard the noise outside and retrieved his handgun. Goodie reported that he fired a warning shot, but the suspect still wouldn’t let his daughter go.

“The gentlemen that had her around the neck said he was going to kill her if [the father] did not back away. [The suspect] started dragging the young girl into the street. There was some separation, and at that point the daddy was able to fire one shot at the suspect,” Stauber said.

“The daddy…” Southern cops crack me up.

Richard Goodie’s shot struck the suspect, causing him to let go of Moriah and fall to the ground.…

Teacher Accused Of Running Porn Sites From School-Issued Computer

November 18, 2011 at 3:13 am by kniption  

Stockton, CA – Lincoln Unified School District has placed one of its teachers on paid leave while investigating allegations she was operating a collective of pornographic websites using her district-issued Apple laptop. Heidi Kaeslin, 35, was the creator of teachertitties.com and mysluttyteachers.com which, by name, appear to be educational sites. Sadly, the Lincoln Unified School District disagrees.

According to reports, the investigation concerned allegations Kaeslin (pictured) and Richard Fields, 51, were using the school computer to support several for-profit websites, adult-oriented sites. Kaeslin, a special-education teacher, has worked for Lincoln Unified since 2002. She also served as the Lincoln High girls soccer coach during part of that time. Fields, incidentally, was Lincoln High’s School Resource Officer at the time.

District officials became aware of the possible misuse of her computer after her husband – reportedly suspicious of the relationship between Kaeslin and Fields – told them of her endeavors. The district is said to have confiscated her school-issued laptop and hired a computer expert to perform a forensic study of the hard drive contents.…

Black Man Pretends To Be KKK, Burns Cross In Driveway To Scare Wife

November 17, 2011 at 9:47 am by kniption  

Panama City, FL — LB  and Donna Williams are a mixed-race couple married for seven years; LB is black, Donna is white. Earlier this month, police were called to the couple’s home on a report of a cross burning in their driveway.

“When I saw that cross burning, I was scared to death,” Donna Williams said. “I was terrified … we all were.”

Two days later, Donna found a note taped to the front door and the side entrance of the house. She paraphrased it as “They were watching us, I assumed me and the kids, and that I better not leave that [N-word],” She said that the note was signed “KKK.”

“When did the KKK start supporting black and white, interracial marriages?” she reportedly asked. I blame political correctness. It’s pervasive.

It was reported that Donna – a few minutes after she found the notes – noticed that the handwriting wasn’t exactly the same as her husband’s but it was similar enough for her to attribute it to him. But, since police were already involved, this one wasn’t simply going to be sorted out over dinner.…

Alleged Roadside Masturbator Found Naked In Tree

November 17, 2011 at 9:29 am by kniption  

Salem, OR - Marion County, Oregon Sheriff’s were recently pressed into action after 911 callers reported a naked man engage in roadside masturbation. Deputies searching the area found footprints and a cellphone. …but no masturbator. After more time – and more 911 calls – a K9 unit was dispatched to scene.

It was reported that Deputy Jeff Stutrud and his dog, Renzo, conducted a search of the hazelnut orchard where the perpetrator was last reportedly seen. Renzo located the the man ‘about 12 feet up a tree wearing only tennis shoes,’ sheriff’s spokesman Don Thomson said.

Due to the 30-degree weather, Stephen James Frolov, 28 – who also goes by the name Stephen James Ellingsworth – was first given a blanket. He was then given formal charges of three counts of public indecency. Bail was set at $15,000

Investigators said that Frolov told them that he had been out drinking with friends the night before and didn’t know how he got to Duck Inn Road. Frolov also said that he didn’t know where his clothes were.…

Man Meets Women At Bar, Ends Up Getting Tortured And Raped

November 16, 2011 at 3:05 am by kniption  

Winnepeg, Canada – Two Canadian men arrested for torturing a man in an effort to get his bank card PIN have pleaded guilty during jury selection. In doing so, Harvey Maytwayashing and James Beardy, both 48, will avoid trial. It may have been an interesting one.

Maytwayashing and Beardy were among six people arrested in January 2006. Crown attorney Brian Wilford said the 59-year-old victim had been drinking at a bar where he met Clara Dorion and her daughter Melanie Azure-Cook. Wilford said the man bought them drinks and gave them money for drugs and later accepted an invitation to Dorion’s home. When they arrived, the victim was grabbed by the women’s accomplices, stripped naked, and robbed of his bank card.

The man reportedly gave them a PIN number. The man’s attackers then attempted to use the bank card at a nearby gas station, only to find the man had given them a bogus PIN. They returned and, according to the court, the torture began.

It was reported that the attackers made repeated attempts to extract the money – and repeated attempts to extract the PIN.…

Woman Denied Free Chinese Food, Naked Mayhem Ensues

November 15, 2011 at 7:49 am by kniption  

Brooklyn, NY – In a clear foreboding of the apocolypse, an unidentified woman caused panic after a ‘dispute’ with a Chinese restaurant over their unwillingness to give her free food.

The incident began at around 3PM last Thursday, when the woman — who, at that time, was fully clothed — walked into Dragon China restaurant and demanded free food after finding the word “free” on the take-out menu.

“She asked the cashier, ‘Everything is for free?’ ” said the restaurant’s owner, Dajo Zhao. When told “no,” Zhou said that the woman then slammed her fingers down on the menu, while screaming, “Free! Free! Free! Free!”

Another customer reportedly told her that she was crazy. In an obvious bid to prove that person wrong, the disgruntled customer started throwing ‘everything she could get her hands on’ and ‘screaming with rage.’ She reportedly moved to the back of the restaurant, where she ‘pushed over equipment, threw food, and punched a chef.’

“I walked in and I saw an old lady trashing the place,” said Noreen Monier, who owns a nearby store.…

Man Accused Of Performing Oral Sex On Female Dog

November 14, 2011 at 8:06 am by kniption  

Pueblo, CO - Pueblo police officer Matthew Ballard said that officers were called to a woman’s home on a report that an unidentified man was “performing oral sexual acts on the woman’s dog.”

According to the arrest report, the man then began “pleasuring himself” in front of the female dog. The man was gone by the time police arrived, but they were able to find him in the bathroom of a nearby bar.

Kenneth Milosavich, 55, was reported to be in possession of a small amount of crack cocaine, a pipe in his pocket, and – hopefully – a freshly used toothbrush and some breath mints. According to the arrest report, during the interaction with Milosavich, he tried to blow the cocaine out of an officer’s hand.

Milosavich was arrested on charges of animal cruelty, indecent exposure, possession of crack cocaine, possession of drug paraphenialia, and tampering. Milosavich is being held in Pueblo County jail without bail.…

Transgender Prostitute Driving Stolen Truck Stopped For Texting

November 14, 2011 at 7:59 am by kniption  

New York, NY – A woman pulled over for texting-while-driving at the entrance to the Lincoln Tunnel reportrdly tried to convince Port Authority police that her name was “Jahida T. Andrews.”

Police said that she backed it up with four credit cards, a birth certificate, and Social Security card. Fingerprint analysis, though, indicated that Jahinda was, in fact, Damian A. Ricketts, 27 – a male with outstanding arrest warrants. According to police, Ricketts quickly admitted to his true identity, saying that he is ‘transgender.’

Police investigating then discovered that the truck driven by Ricketts had been stolen. According to police, a Pennsylvania man said that Ricketts took the truck’s keys from the his house when leaving after a sexual encounter that the man had arranged through Craigslist with Ricketts and a second transvestite prostitute. Ricketts and the other prostitute reportedly returned later when the man was at work and burglarized his house, taking electronics and the truck.

Police also reportedly found almost 300 armor-piercing bullets in the truck. Ricketts admitted that they belonged to him/her.…

Police: Mother Forces Daughter To Pose Nude On Webcam To ‘Win Contest’

November 11, 2011 at 10:24 am by kniption  

Attleboro, MA – A 41-year old Massachusetts mother has been arrested for allegedly forcing her 10-year-old daughter to pose nude on webcam in the preposterous hopes of winning a $20,000 mother-daughter bikini photo shoot.

Ann Lussier reportedly made her daughter strip down to her bra and underwear – and then get completely naked – while a man who identified himself as a Florida-based photographer watched her over Skype. The woman and her daughter were unable to see the photographer because, according to his claim, ‘his camera was broken.’

According to court documents, Lussier complained to her twin sister about the incident and how “uncooperative” her daughter was during the nude broadcast. The charging document also stated the aunt heard her niece crying in the background. The sister, who presumably ended up with all of the brains in their shared womb, contacted authorities. The resulting month-long investigation led to the arrest of the man allegedly on the other end of the camera – Joshua Dunfee of Oxford Junction, Iowa. That would be the Iowa that is in Florida, of course…

“There are sickos out there, and they let them go.…

Man Leaves Dying Passenger Behind After Crash, Takes Beer

November 10, 2011 at 2:43 pm by kniption  

Houston, TX – The obvious bid by Texas to become the new Florida is being strengthened by citizens like David Cruz. Cruz, 20, is in custody after reportedly abandoning passengers hurt in a car crash he caused but leaving with the beer. One of the passengers later died.

According to his passengers, Cruz was driving at a high rate of speed when he ran a light and crashed his four-door Hyundai around 1AM Halloween night. Two of the passengers – twin brothers Marion and Patrick Bock – were injured and bleeding. The third passenger – Anthony Story, 17 – was reported to be unconscious and seriously injured.

The Bock brothers said that they asked Cruz to stop but, instead, he drove another two miles. The Bocks said Cruz then grabbed four beer cans from the car and took off on foot. Police said Cruz ran to a friend’s apartment, where he changed clothes and told the friend he’d been involved in an accident. Investigators said that, even then, he still didn’t call for help.…