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About kniption

Title: Scribe
Published Articles: 454

My love of adverbs is eclipsed only by my apparent need to construct delightfully complicated multi-level sentences - using both arcane word choices and complex qualifiers - that often require a dry erase board to decipher. that one.

Thetford, UK – A 19-year-old British man has been placed in custody after admitting in court to microwaving a cat until it died. Jamie Blake was charged by Bury St Edmunds Magistrates’ Court with causing unnecessary suffering to a protected animal. The details leading up to the killing, though, are sure to exonerate him.

The cat, paradoxically named “Buddy,” was reportedly informally adopted by Blake while he was staying at a group home in Thetford, UK. Blake said he would keep the cat in his room for company at night, feeding it cheese and tuna. According to reports, Blake told the court that the cat then started talking to him.

Did it say “Thank you for the cheese and tuna!” you ask? Of course not. It’s a cat. It’s evil.

According to Blake, what Buddy did say is that his mother’s dead ex-partner was, in fact, injecting his mother with heroin. The defendant, who has been described as having ‘mental health issues,’ then reportedly started arguing with the cat. As anyone who has argued with a cat can tell you, this proved pointless.…

New Dehli, India – Customs authorities in India arrested a man attempting to board a commercial airline flight with an endangered monkey in his underpants. I am presuming that the term ‘endangered’ is a reference to the status of the entire species of monkey.

Hamad Al-Dhaheri, old enough to know better, was arrested after arriving from Bangkok en route to Dubai on Jet Airways.

“Security personnel found the monkey in his underwear while frisking the transit passengers,” a customs official said. It is believed that this discovery was made after customs officials rejected Al-Dhaeris’ initial claim that he was merely ‘happy to see them.’

The monkey is a 17-centimetre loris – a type of monkey native to India and southeast Asia. It was reported that some believe the monkey to possess aphrodisiac qualities when eaten. The monkeys’ effect as a suppository is not known.

A second loris was discovered in a garbage bin at the Indira Gandhi International airport. It is believed to have been abandoned because it was not being ‘a good traveler.’ Both monkeys were turned over to an animal welfare organization.…

Zephyrhills, FL — David Rice and his wife, Mindi, both 29, were arrested after an apparent misunderstanding between the Rices and a 24-year-old woman with whom they had engaged in a drug-fueled three-way sexual encounter. How odd. Those usually go so well…

On August 20th, the Rices reportedly spent the evening at their home injecting themselves with prescription drugs and having sex with a young woman. According to police, they were still all friends when they fell asleep. But, then, dark times set in…

Deputies said that, around 2AM, Mindi woke to find her husband “trying to have sex again with their friend without her.” Mindi then reportedly “grabbed a loaded revolver, threatened to kill the woman and fired a round into the ceiling.” The police report summarized this by saying that her husband’s actions “made her angry.”

David insisted to police that he was not trying to have sex with the 24-year old but, in fact, “was only trying to grab the covers to cover himself.” I am sure that anyone who knows how modest David is could attest to this.…

Fruitport, MI – The adoptive family of 10-year-old Charlotte Ponce has announced that she will begin facial reconstruction surgery to correct the disfigurement she suffered in 2002 when her parents left her unattended with their pet raccoon.

When Charlotte was 3-months-old, her parents used the same wisdom that led to their having a pet raccoon in the first place to decide to leave Charlotte unattended with it. The raccoon – being a member of a species genetically linked to the three-headed dog that stands guard at the gates of Hades – promptly ate important parts of the girl’s face. As is common with children, the damage that was done could not be immediately repaired.

I do not know much about her parents. …beyond their not having an IQ above salad. I do know that, thankfully, Charlotte’s care was taken over by an aunt and uncle after her parent’s parental rights were severed in 2005.

Charlotte – who can be seen recently here – has lived disfigured for 10 years. She will now begin surgery to repair her disfigurement.…

Terrell, TX – A Texas woman who was hospitalized after cutting off her baby’s arms in 2004 has recently been fired from her job at Walmart after a news crew told her employers of her past.

Dena Schlosser made headlines in 2004 after she cut the arms off of her 10-month-old daughter. Her daughter would die soon after. Schlosser was reportedly found covered in blood and singing church hymns. Schlosser would eventually tell psychiatrists that God had told her to do it.

A jury found Schlosser not guilty by reason of insanity. She was hospitalized until 2008 when a judged ruled that she no longer required treatment. Should would return to hospitalization in 2010.

Sometime between 2010 and now, Schlosser went from being a hospitalized mental patient to being a Walmart associate. A Walmart spokewoman says Schlosser, who now uses the last name Laettner, was hired in June. Schlosser was fired Monday after news station WFAA-TV told the company about her past.

I know that you are as outraged as I.…

Calgary, Canada – A Canadian woman’s day reportedly went from bad-to-worse when she chose to falsely accused her father of rape after a failed suicide attempt during which she had anally mutilated herself with a pair of scissors.

“When I found out I survived it I didn’t know what to do, I was lying there medicated,” the unnamed woman said in court.

The 40-year-old mother-of-two told provincial court Judge John Bascom that – after her October 2010 suicide attempt had failed – she decided to blame her father for her injuries. She then formally accused him of raping her anally.

The father was twice interviewed by police butt denied involvement. The woman’s father was not charged after investigators concluded that the woman’s injuries were consistent with those caused by a knife or scissors. Investigators were able to finally get to the bottom of the matter after the woman admitted to using scissors to cause her wounds.

The woman faces up to 3 1/2 years in jail. She is free on bail until sentencing on August 28.…

Vicksburg, MS – A former childcare center worker was arrested after video showing a 9-year-old hell-spawn abusing infants purportedly under her care was viewed by police.

Recently released surveillance video from Kiddie City Childcare Center in Vicksburg, Mississippi shows a 9-year-old budding sociopath kicking, biting, and hitting infants. Daycare worker Sandra Trevillion can be seen in the video – but appears unaware of the 9-year-old anti-Christ’s rampage.

Satan’s minion can be seen choking one child and hitting another. The second infant is also shown being repeatedly kicked in a manner that causes the infant to literally disappear from the video frame.

Earlier in the week, a father of one of the children in the center was arrested for hitting a child he mistakenly thought was the evil-incarnate shown in the video. The father’s anger reportedly stemmed from cuts and bruises on his 1-year-old which he attributed to the 9-year-old sadist. That father, Jamie Williams, was arrested on assault charges.

Police have interviewed Damien and his mother. Police have not said if either will face charges.…

Portland, OR – Early last year, Shiloh Hampton, 14, was tragically struck down by gunfire outside a northeast Portland mall. …and of course, we reported it to you. Well… not exactly…

What we reported to you was that – while authorities were cataloging evidence at the secured crime scene – Kevin Signalness, 41, ‘plowed’ into the area they had cordoned off while ‘intoxicated, masturbating to pornography, and driving a stolen car.’ Go Kevin!

Little beyond that was known at the time of our first report. Police reports and court records regarding the incident can now provide us with a more complete picture. For instance, when officers confronted Signalness about his driving while masturbating to pornography, Signalness reportedly replied “You caught me red-handed.”

It’s a good thing that cops love that type of humor! Also, while toxicology tests after the incident established that Signalness had only a blood alcohol level of .02 percent, he was also using methamphetamine and marijuana prior to his fapapalooza.

In September, Signalness was convicted of driving under the influence of intoxicants and unauthorized use of a motor vehicle.…

Salem, OR – An Oregon woman was charged after allegedly using a Visa debit card with a $2.1 million balance issued to her after her fraudulent electronic 2011 tax return was approved by the Oregon Department of Revenue. The ruse came to an end only after the woman reportedly lost the card and applied for a replacement.

Authorities allege Krystle Marie Reyes, 25, used the tax preparation software Turbo Tax to file a faked 2011 income tax return with the state in which she reported earnings of $3 million and claimed a refund of $2.1 million. Due to the high dollar amount, the return had to go through a manual review process at the Oregon Department of Revenue in which ‘multiple reviewers’ would need to approve the refund. Oddly, they all did. Once the refund was approved, Turbo Tax issued Reyes a Visa debit card with a $2.1M balance.

“We do not have that many $2.1 million refund claims,” Derrick Gasperini, a Revenue Department spokesman, said. “It absolutely should have been caught and was not.”

What transpired immediately after is what you would likely expect from a person holding a Visa debit card with a $2.1 million balance.…

Melbourne, Australia – A truck accident on a highway overpass led to hundreds of sheep ‘raining’ on the cars below causing damage and a rollover crash. Nearly 400 sheep died as a result of the incident.

Police say last Thursday night a truck carrying 400 sheep flipped on its side, causing it to hang precariously from an overpass. Sheep in the truck’s damaged trailer then began falling onto vehicles driving at highway speeds on the Princess Highway below.

“All of a sudden these sheep are falling down from the top of an overpass.” said driver Robert Leardi, adding that he was lucky he was not seriously hurt when the falling livestock damaged his car.

“We looked up and we could see the truck flip on its side and then the next minute, we were underneath.” said motorist Kristy Davis. “Raining sheep doesn’t happen everyday.”

According to reports, the sheepstorm led to one rollover crash and additional damaged cars. Paramedic Allan Eade said there were “a large number” of dead and injured sheep.…

Phoenix, AZ – Phoenix police arrested the mother of a 5-week-old baby who was found in a car seat in the middle of a city intersection. This after the mother reportedly forgot that she placed the infant on the roof of the car and drove off.

By all accounts, Catalina Clouser, 19, was already having a rough day. After reportedly smoking marijuana with her boyfriend and others at a city park, she and her boyfriend went on a 11PM beer run. They took her 5-week-old baby along for the ride. During that trip, Clouser’s boyfriend was pulled over and arrested for aggravated DUI.

Understandably distraught, our new mother Clouser drove her baby to her friend’s home to drown her sorrows in ‘one or two more bowls’ of marijuana. According to her friends, Clouser and her baby left around midnight. Police say that Clouser placed the baby’s car seat on the roof of her car and, forgetting about it, got in and drove off.

Despite having survived 5 full weeks with its mother already, the baby – surprisingly – did not manage to hold on through the turn at the corner of 45th Avenue and Cholla Street and ended up in the intersection.…

St. Petersburg, FL – A Florida mother is facing child abuse charges after being accused of choking a teen who was allegedly cyber-bullying her daughter on Facebook. The incident was caught on mall surveillance video.

Debbie Piscitella, 46, is the mother of 13-year-old MacKenna. According to Piscitella, MacKenna has been the focus of a relentless stream of Facebook comments being made by a 14-year-old classmate named Jon on a shared page.

“The boy tells my daughter that she is a fat f*****g whale and didn’t deserve to live because she is so nasty that he wouldn’t even rape her,” Piscitella explained. Piscitella added that another Facebook comment by Jon talked about the 13-year-old performing oral sex, reading, “Tell her to keep s*king d*ck.”

Piscitella maintains that the comments were affecting her daughter emotionally.

“She wanted to kill herself,” said Piscitella. “She doesn’t want to go do anything. She doesn’t want to go out. She doesn’t even want to go to her dance.”

The situation reportedly came to a head when Piscitella – a married mother-of-two who is studying to be a nurse – was with MacKenna at Tyrone Square Mall on Memorial Day.…

Madrid, Spain — A man has been hospitalized after doctors say he suffered a direct hit to his scrotum during a lightning strike while walking down the street in a Madrid suburb.

The 53-year-old man was reportedly walking down a suburban street – aptly named “The Avenue of the Enlightenment” – late Thursday night during a storm when he was hit by a bolt of lighting. Doctors would establish that the bolt struck him through his pants directly in his scrotum before traveling down one of his legs and exiting to the sidewalk through his foot.

The unidentified victim’s son called for an ambulance. At last report, he remains in stable condition at a Madrid hospital. Doctors say that, because the man’s groin took the hit, the lightning did not cause electrical or thermal injury to the victim’s brain or heart – thus saving his life.

A Spanish-language video news report containing a comprehensive medical analysis can be found here. Those of you who are not Spanish speaking should be able to follow along with only knowledge of the phrases “frito cojones” and “iluminado como un árbol de navidad.”…

Ossining, NY – A New York state kung fu grandmaster and retired police officer has been sentenced to 7 years in prison for having young female pupils tug on his genitalia during martial arts lessons. Hiiiiya!

Prosecutors said four girls aged 6 to 11 reported that Frank DeMaria, 68, had them ‘grab, squeeze and pull’ on his genitals during lessons. DeMaria, a retired Westchester County police officer, defended his methods in court – insisting that he was teaching the young girls to “get rid of the modesty” and learn to kick and slap their attackers in the groin. He further insisted his methods were not an excuse to be fondled.

“There is no holding of genitals — it’s a slap,” DeMaria testified. “I was doing it to help them save their lives.”

The jury, possibly confused about the concept of life-saving sexual assault, convicted him of sexual abuse, sexual conduct with children and endangering children. He was subsequently sentenced to seven years in prison. DeMaria will also have to register as a sex offender when released.…

Knoxville, TN – A thirty-three year old man who has had 30 children with 11 different mothers is appealing to the state of Tennessee for a reduction in child-support.

Very often we bring you stories of horrible people doing horrible things. Today instead, I am using this public forum to inform you of a noble man being subjected to systemic injustice. Together we may be able to right this wrong.

Desmond Hatchett, 33, is simply one of us… toiling at a minimum-wage job to make ends meet and provide for his dependents. For Desmond, that means paying child-support to the 11 mothers of his 30 children. Those of you who also have 30 children understand completely how difficult this must be, but the rest of us can still imagine. So hard… From this, it may not be surprising that Desmond has recently gone to court to ask for relief from this financial burden.

The court case offers a window into how a judicial system can bully a man for a situation entirely beyond his control.…

Jackson, MI – A 14-year-old Michigan boy had the unwelcome experience of finding a piece of a fast food worker’s finger in his sandwich last Friday. Before he started eating, you ask? You wouldn’t be reading about it here if that was the case…

Ryan Hart was finishing his roast beef sandwich that had been purchased at the drive-through window at a Jackson, Michigan Arby’s restaurant when he reportedly tasted something rubbery. He spat the item out. What he found was a chunk of human flesh – including a fingerprint – belonging to a restaurant employee. It was approximately 1-inch long.

“I was like, ‘that’s got to be a finger.’ I was about to puke… it was just nasty.” said Ryan.

Because properly prepared human finger meat is known for both taste and tenderness, it was apparent that this was not simply another – albeit nutritionally improved – fast food restaurant filler. Steve Hall, environmental health director for the Jackson County Health Department, said an Arby’s employee had, in fact, sliced her finger while operating a meat slicer at the restaurant.…

Corpus Christi, TX – A five year research project at Columbia School of Law has established that Carlos DeLuna, 27, was wrongly executed in 1989 after a string of proceedings – and errors. A report, entitled “Los Tocayos Carlos: Anatomy of a Wrongful Execution,” traces Deluna’s path to his lethal injection.

In February 1983, Wanda Lopez – a single mother – was stabbed to death in the gas station where she worked in Corpus Christi. That night Lopez had called police for help twice to protect her from an individual with a switchblade.

“They could have saved her, they said ‘we made this arrest immediately’ to overcome the embarrassment,” law professor James Liebman said.

Forty minutes after the crime Carlos DeLuna was arrested near the gas station. DeLuna said he ran from police because he was on parole and had been drinking.

Deluna was identified by a single eyewitness who saw a Hispanic male running from the gas station. There were some immediate discrepencies. Deluna was dressed differently and clean shaven.…

Port St. John, FL — A Florida mother shot and killed her four kids before killing herself. This after she called three of the kids who had sought help from a neighbor back into the house.

Police say Tonya Thomas, 33, fatally shot her four children early Tuesday morning. Deputies identified the children as Pebbles Johnson, 17; Jaxs Johnson, 15; Jazlin Johnson, 13; and Joel Johnson, 12.

Three of the children – one of them ‘covered in blood’ – had reportedly gone to a neighbor’s front door before dawn to say that their mother had shot them. The mother then called the children back to the house and killed them, said Lt. Tod Goodyear, a spokesman for the Brevard County Sheriff’s Office.

“From what the neighbors said, she was very calm. She walked out and called them back. They turned around and walked back to the house,” Goodyear said.

The neighbor then heard gunshots and called 911.

According to police, another neighbor said that Thomas had sent a text message in the middle of the night saying she wanted to be cremated with her children.…

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