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Lehigh Acres, FL — I’m sure the last thing you want to read about, as you eat your bagels and sip your morning cup of joe, is septuagenarian sex. Well, you’re gonna. Kinda.

Allow me to introduce 76-year-old Donald Royce. He’s currently nursing a ragin’ case of blue balls behind bars at the Gray Bar Motel, after shooting his 62-year-old bride in the booty for refusing to consummate their 6 months of wedded bliss.

Royce told police he didn’t intend to shoot the woman, he just wanted to scare her a little so she’d give in. Cause, you know, having a gun pointed at you is hot. He intended to shoot the mattress where the wifey was sitting, he said, but ended up hitting her in the ass and hip.

The couple’s roommate said she heard two gun shots, and when she went to see what happened, Royce pointed the gun at her. She says she convinced him to let her call to get his wife medical help.

When officers arrived at the home, Royce said, “I shot her and the gun is in my room.” He then said he felt bad when he realized she had actually been shot.

“Holy cow, that’s ridiculous,” neighbor April Bailey told Fox 4 news. “A grown adult having a temper tantrum about sex.”

Ridiculous, April? Really? Do you know how expensive Viagra is? No? Do you know there’s a time limit once that Viagra kicks in? No? Then how ’bout you sit your ass down and shut the hell up? How ’bout that? Fucking April. 😉

Anyways, the wife, now at home and recovering, told reporters the two were actually together for about six years, before finally tying the knot in August. She describes the incident as “an absolute nightmare,” and says she never thought Royce was capable of doing something like this.

Royce has been charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon. Bond has been set at $100,000.

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Comments


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  • Kalynada

    “Back that azz up” is apparently not a request.

    Evil 3
    Stupidity 8
    WTF 8

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  • Josh

    As long as she is married to this guy she is going to take it in the ass.

  • sugarpie

    I guess next time he’s ready to dick the dog, she better damn well be ready.

  • itsknotme

    To initiate sex, shouldn’t you use a Starting Pistol? I guess adding Running Blocks is way too kinky….

  • Inferus

    You don’t want sex? I’ll give a reason you double ought to care.

  • Inferus

    It is on Mother’s Day

  • Inferus

    He was simply making a hole when the first two were declined

  • Inferus

    Not if you’re the wife hoping to sprint out of there

  • Sejanus

    I guess her got her in the end anyways.

  • WTFOMGLOL

    Together 6 years, and “never thought Royce was capable of doing something like this”. As he’s 76 years’s old, I’m thinking he might be on the slippery slope to Alzheimers. If I was her, I’d pack my bags NOW, before he forgets himself entirely, and shoots your ass fer realz. You take one shot at me, and miss….. sorry Charlie, but I’m outta there. I’m not taking a second chance on your armed, crazy ass.

  • WTFOMGLOL

    too bad he’s shootin’ blanks.

  • Highwayrun1

    One way or the other, he was going to shoot her in the ass…..

  • Rachel Ann

    If this is his idea of foreplay no wonder she wanted nothing to do with him.
    She better get a CCW permit and and a divorce lawyer ASAP or next time shes gonna be dead.

  • Elizabeth McCarthy

    Loved your write up Jaded. LOL

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  • captaingrumpy

    How big a target would you want.??

  • WTFOMGLOL

    Maybe she bent over to get somethin’, and he saw a bullseye.

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  • adrian0603

    the funniest commentary I have read on this site:

    “Holy cow, that’s ridiculous,” neighbor April Bailey told Fox 4 news. “A grown adult having a temper tantrum about sex.”
    Ridiculous, April? Really? Do you know how expensive Viagra is? No? Do you know there’s a time limit once that Viagra kicks in? No? Then how ’bout you sit your ass down and shut the hell up? How ’bout that? Fucking April. ????

    LMAO

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