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Lehigh Acres, FL — I’m sure the last thing you want to read about, as you eat your bagels and sip your morning cup of joe, is septuagenarian sex. Well, you’re gonna. Kinda.

Allow me to introduce 76-year-old Donald Royce. He’s currently nursing a ragin’ case of blue balls behind bars at the Gray Bar Motel, after shooting his 62-year-old bride in the booty for refusing to consummate their 6 months of wedded bliss.

Royce told police he didn’t intend to shoot the woman, he just wanted to scare her a little so she’d give in. Cause, you know, having a gun pointed at you is hot. He intended to shoot the mattress where the wifey was sitting, he said, but ended up hitting her in the ass and hip.

The couple’s roommate said she heard two gun shots, and when she went to see what happened, Royce pointed the gun at her. She says she convinced him to let her call to get his wife medical help.

When officers arrived at the home, Royce said, “I shot her and the gun is in my room.” He then said he felt bad when he realized she had actually been shot.

“Holy cow, that’s ridiculous,” neighbor April Bailey told Fox 4 news. “A grown adult having a temper tantrum about sex.”

Ridiculous, April? Really? Do you know how expensive Viagra is? No? Do you know there’s a time limit once that Viagra kicks in? No? Then how ’bout you sit your ass down and shut the hell up? How ’bout that? Fucking April. 😉

Anyways, the wife, now at home and recovering, told reporters the two were actually together for about six years, before finally tying the knot in August. She describes the incident as “an absolute nightmare,” and says she never thought Royce was capable of doing something like this.

Royce has been charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon. Bond has been set at $100,000.

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