Good day, sickos. I want to thank all of you for your calls and emails inquiring about my well-being and offering sex at various public parks. But fear not, I am just on a much-deserved, much-needed vacation. Although I am off this week, I will be writing up some stuff off and on while finally being able to focus on some DD house cleaning. I'll also have time to respond to some of you interested in writing. In the meantime, be sure to check out the forums for the latest in terrible news.

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Hillard StallingsOklahoma City, OK — A registered sex offender is facing numerous charges after police received complaints about the man walking butt nekkid in his yard, and for shaking his dick at a teen boy.

The first complaint came from a mother driving her three children to their piano lessons. The woman informed dispatchers that her children, ages 6, 10, and 12, brought her attention to the nekkid man, identified as 68-year-old Hillard Stallings.

It didn’t take long for the rest of the neighborhood to chime in with police — they informed dispatchers Stallings had been wandering around the yard, in the buff, for at least 10 minutes.

Officers made contact with Stallings, and chatted with him for a bit, but an immediate arrest was not made. When they drove back through the neighborhood a few minutes later, though, they spotted the skeevy bastard in the yard, shaking his willy and making thrusting motions at a 14-year-old boy who had been passing the home.

Stallings spotted police and raced for the house, but the officers were quicker. After a brief scuffle, Stallings was placed under arrest.

He is now behind bars, charged with failing to register as a sex offender, indecent exposure and disorderly conduct by masturbating in public. Bail has been set at $8,000.

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  • takurospirit

    His nose looks like it isn’t really attached to his body. Just pinned on there like a piece on a Mr. Potato Head.

  • Laura_RT

    He fails to register as a sex offender, wanders around outside naked but they figure they’ll just let him off with a warning until they catch him making obscene gestures at a kid… WTF? Too much paperwork?

  • Duncan Manwood

    The penalty should be dependent upon the flaccidity of his porksword at the time of the wagging.

  • Evan

    is that a piece of gum stuck to the side of his face? or a wound?

  • Stanley_Ipkiss

    I once did the helicopter to a cleaning lady that walked in on me getting out of the shower when I was in Magaluf..she was the offender in that situation though..she barely flinched and just continued to clean the room.

  • SraChina

    I think that’s the only way someone would look at his nasty dick.

  • Bob Saccamanno

    Oklahoma must be the new Florida.

  • Natasha Fatale

    take that back right now!!!!

  • thebossessecretary

    How old was she? Because by the time you’re about 50, you pretty much HAVE seen it all.

  • Stanley_Ipkiss

    She was probably around that age. I was only 17 at the time and thought it best to do something other than act like a deer caught in the headlights when she walked in so I gave it a spin lol.

  • HAL 9000

    Thought smallpox had been eradicated. Guess not.

  • CT

    I feel like I am watching the opening of the Ark scene with Toht from Raiders of the Lost Ark every time I look at his mug shot. I haven’t been able to make it past his face to read the story.

  • waddadumchet

    A naked 68 year-old?…..his pecker must have looked like a small wick on a melting candle

  • tkaz

    Just saying, his name is pretty awesome but it sounds like it belongs to a man born into money, living in his mansion & eating caviar.

  • itsknotme

    A 68 year old crabby old man making an ass of himself shaking his stuff at children in his yard begs the question, “Does Scott’s Weed -n- Feed kill crab-ass?”

  • Lena60

    Cripe sakes, How many ugly sticks did the cops beat him with? * shivers*

  • Buffettgirl

    I’m surprised he didn’t have them lined up around the block what with that sexy, sexy look he’s got going on… ***gag***

  • Nyan Matthies

    I’ll bet his face could hold a three day rain. Yikes. What a creeper.

  • Taster’sChoice

    No doubt. His looks go way beyond high mileage. My guess is the three packs of Marlboro Reds a day for about 50 of those 68 years have not been kind to him.

  • Buffettgirl

    It’s almost like he wants to look as disgusting as possible.

  • Taster’sChoice

    At least he’s not DOING THAT WRONG. lol

  • Texas Ranger

    Yeah, name reminds me of a department store or a grocery….or even an Evil Wall Street Company who ends up caught in a Ponzi Scheme bilking thousands out of their hard earned savings. I hate this asswipe.

  • tkaz

    Wait..you hate the guy you just created or you hate the sex offender? Either way is cool.

  • Vesper B

    I had an older guy flash me. My reaction was to point and laugh. Loudly. He seemed to get offended

  • Texas Ranger

    both versions are sex-offenders, because something you don’t want to get fucked…gets fucked.

  • letinstar

    i guess yelling “get off my lawn” doesn’t get this old coot off like flapping around his penis does…

  • Benighted

    Damn he really got beat with the ugly stick. I don’t think I’d even have noticed him waving his dick at me, I’d be too mesmerized by the hideous face.

  • Cinemasochist

    Kids of the first caller: no mom, we said PIANIST!

  • Highwayrun1

    JFC…..With the amount of dents in this dudes face, I wonder how many times, men have slapped HIS face with their willies…….

  • Michael Roe

    When I was 14 and some old guy shook his dick at me I would have probably kicked his ass

  • mean birch

    I tried to turn his picture upside down to see his other expression but my damn screen rotated.

    Two face optical illusion……..

  • Twisted1

    I seen a wound like that before. It ended up being cancer.

  • Twisted1

    Hold your finger on the screen when you flip it.

  • Michele Vernet

    Jaded: Go back to school please!

  • Delaney3030

    Sounds more like a high end retail store of some kind to me. Maybe a fashion designer?

  • Vincents_Sin

    So full mast = full sentence?!

  • Vincents_Sin

    “‘Tis but a flesh wound!”

  • Vincents_Sin

    “Heeeeey Chris!”

    I just picture Herbert the Pervert from Family Guy every time a news story like this shows up. Doesn’t make it less wrong, but at least I can get a laugh from it.

  • Kelly Eklectusbird

    Maybe they thought if they hide around the corner they can catch him in the act.

  • Sejanus

    He either has leprosy or is part armadillo…cuz that is one scaly muther effer.

  • hicusdicus

    Maybe they were trying to avoid having his naked ass sliding around on their car seat along with all its accessories.

  • hicusdicus

    Think big kiss every night before bed time. It could be a new weight loss program.

  • hicusdicus

    I wonder if his wiener looks like his face?

  • Buffettgirl

    Way to add a whole new level of ***ewwwww*** to the discussion! ;-)

  • Danielle Vereen

    And this is why I have that sex offender app on my phone.. To keep kids Ik safe, and to pick out the creeps that come into Dollar General. Oh yeah, I saw two pervos already.

  • BunnyOlesen

    hahaha he is a potato

  • BunnyOlesen

    oh geesh, why’d you have to point that disgusting ‘lesion rot’ out GAG he’s so disgusting he’s rotting from the inside out !!