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Michael LueckeStamford, CT — A substitute teacher at Westhill High School accused of tuggin’ his slug while eyeballing students on campus earlier this week, claims was really just adjusting his pants.

A staff member at the school told police she was walking in an area of lockers just after 7:30 Wednesday morning, when she spotted Michael Luecke lying on the ground. Believing the man had been hurt, the woman approached… only to find him with his hand in his pants and his eyeballs all rolled back in his head. And, she told police, he was “manipulating his penis.” *insert GASP here*

The woman reportedly told Luecke that his behavior was inappropriate, to which Luecke reportedly said something along the lines of, “I need to find somewhere else to do this.”

When the staff member informed Luecke that he shouldn’t be anywhere near children, Luecke relayed that such a thing had never happened to him before. The woman then reported the alleged incident to school officials and Luecke was immediately removed from the classroom he was overseeing and sent to the principal’s office.

Fortunately for all, there was video rolling in the area in which Luecke was reportedly pumping his stump. Police say the surveillance video showed Luecke in the corner of a stairwell “suspiciously manipulating the front of his pants” while looking at students in the courtyard. Approximately three minutes later, he was seen going behind a bank of student lockers for about a minute, then emerging and getting all comfy on the floor. He appeared to be in an aroused state, police said, when the female staff member approached him just moments later.

When interviewed by police, Luecke went into denial mode because wardrobe malfunction. He doesn’t wear a belt, he said, and the clip on his pants doesn’t work properly so he had to get on the floor to close the clip. And if I had a dime for every time I’ve had to do the same damn thing….

Luecke has been with the district since 2009, and passed the background check with flying colors. He has no priors.

Charged with public indecency, breach of peace and risk of injury to a minor, Luecke’s being held on $10,000 bond. He has been required to undergo a mental evaluation, and if he makes bond, he will be given a pretty new ankle bracelet.

Police said they are working to identify a handful of students who apparently passed Luecke while he was rubbing one off, to assess a need for counseling.

Oooh, and speaking of self-induced penile regurgitation…. happy fucking birthday, Morbid. Ass.

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  • HAL 9000

    Lex Luther, criminal genius, strikes again.

  • billymadatchu

    this guy is such a jerk.

  • Vincents_Sin

    I hate when my pants don’t fit right so when I go to adjust them I accidentally start getting off. Such a pain!

    Come on dude, you got busted 5 ways to Sunday. There’s no trying to deny what happened.

  • Texas Ranger

    Hook this dude up with Drunk horny ugly-chick few stories down. She can’t get penetrated and he can’t penetrate. Match made in heaven…plus she has a Vette!

    Morbid, it’s your birthday! Going to Chucky Cheese…Chucky cheese for my birthday.

  • Lena60

    Merv Griffin should know better then this. Oh and happy fucking birthday Morbid * spank*

  • Lena60

    I guess he would go to Cuck_E_ Cheese if he is a glutton for punishment.

  • Duncan Manwood

    I’ve seen myself masturbate at least 10,000 times. Imagine how much counseling I must need.

  • Laura_RT

    Happy Birthday, Morbid!!! :)

  • Jessie

    They serve beer at the one near me. There’s a two beer-an-hour limit. I like to go and play skeeball :-p

  • itsknotme

    A man of his age, I guess, his penis is like a cicada. “Even in a school, you can’t stop it, when It only comes out once in every 17 years.”

  • Laura_RT

    That one was always my favorite too.

  • LuvsHorror

    Happy birthday Morbid

  • thebossessecretary

    So, am I understanding this right? He can only spank off lying down? How inconvenient.

  • http://www.facebook.com/timothymatthewmurphy brain_bomb

    “Charged with public indecency, breach of peace and risk of injury to a minor”

    I don’t get the risk of injury to a minor… Is it possible that he was going spluge with such force that he may have knocked one of the kid’s eyes out in the courtyard?

  • http://www.facebook.com/timothymatthewmurphy brain_bomb

    If I do it standing up I get dizzy.

  • Joy Lynskey

    7:30 in the morning? That’s abominable.

  • Buffettgirl

    Spanky gives me the creeps… he looks just like my sister’s ex father-in-law…gack! I can’t believe he was dumb enough to do this at a school! Wait, look at him, yes I can.

    Happy Birthday Morbid! ;-p

  • Jycorro

    At that age I would think rubbing one out would be like shooting pool with a rope or picking a lock with a marshmellow.

  • thebossessecretary

    Yeah. The shower is a no go.

  • Mr.CustodialArts

    Location, location, location.

  • http://www.truecrimereport.com CallMeMister

    “staff member” *snicker*

    That’s all I got for this one.

  • thebossessecretary

    You’d be surprised at some of these old guys. A lot of them are on Viagra, but there’s plenty who will chase you around the bedroom with no help from pharmaceuticals.

  • Lena60

    You keep count?

  • mean birch

    i never knew Morbids last name was ass.

    Happy Birthday Mr. Ass.

  • Duncan Manwood

    No. The jars in my fridge do that for me.

  • Texas Ranger

    Search youtube for “Chuck e cheese for my birthday song” Fuckin drive you nuts.

  • Buncheman

    Once again I feel pride in my home state…

  • rarey4
  • Lena60

    Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo. :P

  • Lena60

    OMG! That was really funny. thanks

  • JohnQknowitall

    Disgusting idiot… If you are a pervert at least have the sense to come up with something plausible like physical pain requiring adjustment. It may have been a super long adjustment, but at least other men would see some merit to his bs.

  • rarey4

    The bEnch was asking for it.

  • Chinchillazilla

    Happy birthday, Morbid!

  • Vincents_Sin

    I don’t know how I feel after reading this. I’m laughing, but I’m also really disgusted and yet not surprised.

  • Laura_RT

    LMAO! Cornholing Optimus Prime… too, too funny!

  • Sejanus

    Send him to the woman in Florida who hasn’t been penetrated in years.
    Problem solved for her and punishment for him.

  • butts6954

    Happy Birthday Morbid! Have a great day, and stay as disturbed as you are….

  • sweekymom

    It’s good enough, believe me.

  • glitterpuss

    Yuck. That is all

  • letinstar

    Happy birthday Morbid!

    Is this perv wearing a bullet proof vest? Is he afraid he’ll shoot his load all over his chest?

  • Jenny Peters

    What is a 72 year old man doing working at a school? He should have retired long ago/

  • http://hawtmamas.wordpress.com/ hawtmamma

    Just send him my way, I’ll make his TOES CURL!