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Maria Montenez-ColonPunta Gorda, FL — Maria Montenez-Colon was arrested Friday, charged with misuse of 911, after pleading with dispatchers to send an officer she found attractive back to her home for some nookie.

Montenez-Colon initially called 911 to complain that she wanted her Corvette back. She apparently signed ownership of the vehicle over to her step-son after her husband died, and she now wanted it back.

When an officer arrived at her home to take the complaint, the reportedly shitfaced 58-year-old started in with her game. It started with a question about the man’s marital status, then quickly moved into the way too much fucking information range.

“I haven’t been penetrated in years,” Montenez-Colon reportedly informed the officer. “I am so horny.”

The officer attempted to get the woman back on track…. a not so awkward track… and asked her what, exactly, he could do for her. Her response? “You could [expletive] me.” God, I do love these stories.

The officer relayed to Montenez-Colon that he wasn’t about to hit that and, once again, tried to get to the gist of her complaint. Which couldn’t have been easy — the woman kept trying to rub his chest.

The poor man finally informed the horny old goat that there was nothing he could do for her. He handed her a card with the department’s number on it for future non-emergency calls and left.

About an hour later, Montenez-Colon was back on the phone with emergency dispatchers, complaining that the officer that refused to give her the D “pissed her off.”

The officer responded to her home, again, with a second officer.

“He was a perfect gentleman,” Montenez-Colon reportedly told the second officer. “But when I asked him to [expletive] me, he turned me down so that made me angry.”

When asked by the original officer if she remembered their previous conversation about the misuse of 911, Montenez-Colon responded, “I do, but how else am I going to get you to [expletive] me?” And with that, she was arrested.

Neighbors claim Montenez-Colon doesn’t need jail, she needs help with her alcohol problem. And some dick, obviously.

NBC-2.com WBBH News for Fort Myers, Cape Coral

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  • letinstar

    was the cop hot? i need to know before i make my final decision…

    *edit to add* it would help if i pressed play before i commented…

    FLORIDA!!!…that’s all i’ve got…

  • Texas Ranger

    I just want to clarify that the drunk horny chicks I’m around DO NOT look like that.

  • Dan

    the name of the police department is “Punta Gorda” translation = “Fat Tip!” hee hee!

  • Buffettgirl

    Uh huh, suuure they don’t… ;-p

  • Buffettgirl

    The newscaster’s name is Peter Busch… maybe he’s available for Maria?

  • glitterpuss

    Wow, not one but TWO calls lol. Here Metro would have arrested her the first time unless maybe she was hot.

  • Kat

    I saw this on the news and wondered if DD would pick it up! I think the cop deserves a bravery medal for remaining calm, not shooting or tazing it as it pawed at him, and returning a second time even if he did take another cop!

  • DeweyCheatam

    …… at least not until you sober up!

  • DeweyCheatam

    omg I almost feel sorry for the ugly drunk horny old bag! And then I thought ” yeah, sure grandma, even totally hammered you have to realize that cops get hit on constantly by smoking hot young girls, one of which you ain’t!”

  • Eliza Berntsen

    I think that we can all agree that Morbid, in order to make up for the lack of stories, should step up to the plate and help this damsel in her distress.

  • mean birch

    Those bags on that bag. Call 911 for some concealer Ms. Colon.

  • 1DireWolf

    She wasn’t the one who needed to be drunk off of her ass, whoever was going to “give her the D” is the one who would need a 55 gallon drum of rum.

  • Xannie

    I think she misunderstood ‘Protect and SERVE’?

    With touching him, she’s lucky she didn’t get thrown down and tazed and all around fucked up. And, not in a good way…unless you’re into that sort of thing.

  • Jycorro

    I have never slept with an ugly woman but I have woke up to a few.

  • Wolf_of_Mars

    151 proof, at that.

  • Wolf_of_Mars

    Get a rabbit & a 20 pack of batteries, lady!
    No, not the furry kind. That would be felonious animal cruelty. But it would be a top-notch DD “returning moron” story…

  • Stanley_Ipkiss


  • CT

    What’s up the woman in the video saying it is scary? How the hell is it scary? She didn’t ask you to do her?

  • CT

    Nice job with the shallow snark.

  • itsknotme

    “… complain that she wanted her Corvette back”

    Well, maybe, if she owned a Corvette….

  • mean birch

    Aww. Thanks! Honestly I’m not sure if your reply is a bit snarky but I’m gonna assume so and take it as a compliment from the great CT.

  • Lena60

    Leave them baby peeps alone.They are just dumb animals. 😛

  • Lena60

    Ahem! Us old bags need love too.I wonder if that constitutes copping a feel :p

  • CT

    No, it was a complement. It’s nice to see that I am not the only shallow catty gal here.

  • Sarah L4d

    Damn, I feel her pain, I know what its like not getting the “d” in awhile. Heck, its been about a month for me and I’ve contemplated doing the same thing…

  • Taster’sChoice

    Not that he *remembers* anyway…

  • Taster’sChoice

    If she was young and hot this whole thing would have gone very differently I’m sure!

  • Taster’sChoice

    That coyote syndrome is a bitch.

    coyote syndrome
    named after the behavior in which a coyote will sometimes chew off its own leg when the leg has become caught in a trap. In people, the ”Coyote Syndrome” refers to when a person wakes up the morning after a one night stand to find the person their arm is around is butt-ugly without the beer goggles (after drinking alot ugly people start to look attractive) they had on last night, so they’d rather chew off their own arm than wake the ugly person up.
    Guy: Man, i drank wayyy to much last night! I suffered coyote syndrome when i woke up next to that girl I went home with.

    Friend: Damn that sucks, and yeah she was pretty fugly.

  • Duncan Manwood

    I could last forever in that.

  • thebossessecretary

    Some of us old bags married younger men and are now regretting the daily booty call. For Christ’s sake, I’m 51. Can’t we possibly give it a rest? He’s been doing this for ten years and shows no sign of being bored or quitting out of general fatigue.

  • Lena60

    I am 53 and still hot,but maybe thats just the menopause. :p

  • Carrie Burton

    My, She looks familiar! lol

  • Texas Ranger

    Orrrrrr….call a man, any man, pick one up in a bar, grocery store, gym, wherever…. but do not call 911.

  • Texas Ranger

    Yep. That’s it… BUT…Droopy Dog is waaaayyyyy more cool.

  • Lena60

    Yeah, leave 911 for the people at MCD whose chicken nugget order is not right.

  • Helen Payne

    she needs a vibrator

  • Sejanus

    Her neighbours should draw straws for someone to go give her the D.

  • Leasha

    I imagine her like Consuela from Family Guy;

    “911, I have problem and need officer.”

    “More L?e?m?o?n? ?P?l?e?d?g?e? penetration.”

    “No, no.. officer stay here.”

  • t3chsupp0rt

    This is why prostitution should be legal.

    If she could pay someone to hit that, she wouldn’t have had to waste the officer’s time.

  • mkryan1

    Ok, ok. Look, I’m one that gives back to my community and I am sensitive to women who suffer from the same disease that this woman is suffering from. So, being the concerned citizen that I am, I will take it upon myself and tap that ass. Also, if there are any other women that are suffering from this awful disease, please don’t hesitate to get a hold of my, I mean, me. Your welcome.

  • hicusdicus

    Do mean call 911 and report a burglar has snuck into your back door and has his hand in your jewelry box an you want it checked out Now!

  • Painful Slow Merciful Quick

    ACE…this is great!