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Maria Montenez-ColonPunta Gorda, FL — Maria Montenez-Colon was arrested Friday, charged with misuse of 911, after pleading with dispatchers to send an officer she found attractive back to her home for some nookie.

Montenez-Colon initially called 911 to complain that she wanted her Corvette back. She apparently signed ownership of the vehicle over to her step-son after her husband died, and she now wanted it back.

When an officer arrived at her home to take the complaint, the reportedly shitfaced 58-year-old started in with her game. It started with a question about the man’s marital status, then quickly moved into the way too much fucking information range.

“I haven’t been penetrated in years,” Montenez-Colon reportedly informed the officer. “I am so horny.”

The officer attempted to get the woman back on track…. a not so awkward track… and asked her what, exactly, he could do for her. Her response? “You could [expletive] me.” God, I do love these stories.

The officer relayed to Montenez-Colon that he wasn’t about to hit that and, once again, tried to get to the gist of her complaint. Which couldn’t have been easy — the woman kept trying to rub his chest.

The poor man finally informed the horny old goat that there was nothing he could do for her. He handed her a card with the department’s number on it for future non-emergency calls and left.

About an hour later, Montenez-Colon was back on the phone with emergency dispatchers, complaining that the officer that refused to give her the D “pissed her off.”

The officer responded to her home, again, with a second officer.

“He was a perfect gentleman,” Montenez-Colon reportedly told the second officer. “But when I asked him to [expletive] me, he turned me down so that made me angry.”

When asked by the original officer if she remembered their previous conversation about the misuse of 911, Montenez-Colon responded, “I do, but how else am I going to get you to [expletive] me?” And with that, she was arrested.

Neighbors claim Montenez-Colon doesn’t need jail, she needs help with her alcohol problem. And some dick, obviously.

NBC-2.com WBBH News for Fort Myers, Cape Coral

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