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Home Invader Dick Slaps Woman, Demands Money

January 29, 2014 at 5:54 am by  

Dick slappedFlorida — A Miami woman claims a burglar repeatedly slapped her in the face with his dick after she informed him she had no money.

That’s it. I have heard it all. Time to shut off the internet. Well, maybe after I finish this story….

The dick slapping incident apparently occurred sometime early Tuesday morning. A man living in the home told police he heard a knock at the door at about 3:00 that morning, and when he answered, was confronted by two males holding guns. Real guns, ya perverts.

Anyway, the two unidentified males entered the home and demanded cash. When the man who answered the door came up dry, the suspects apparently busted into a bedroom occupied by the man’s 33-year-old daughter-in-law.

Authorities say one of the men held a gun to the woman’s head and demanded money. When the woman stated she had none, one of the two whipped out his Johnson and began hitting her in the face with it. And while he’s at it, he’s yelling, “*censored* give me the money.” No word on whether the member was flaccid or at full attention. Regardless, that method didn’t work any better than the gun to the head.

The suspects searched the room for cash but found none. Not about to leave empty handed, they grabbed a couple of televisions and left. The woman told police she believes she was followed home after making a bank transaction Monday.

A description of the suspects is not available at this time. But wouldn’t that be an interesting police line-up? Giggity.

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Comments


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  • Guest

    I just might have to own up to this one.

  • malq

    I just might have to take credit for this one.

  • mean birch

    Men and their johnsons, lethal weapon? I think not

  • Cory

    Well if the libs have anything to say about it they will be hitting people will all kinds of random objects in the future

  • joel

    Luckily that weapon didn’t accidentally go off and shoot. It might of taken half her face

  • Stormclouds

    … if not for the guns, there may have been a different outcome. Biting it off seems an idea…

  • DeweyCheatam

    I’ve never heard of that town, “Course it’s.” Is that in the panhandle?

  • Esteban

    Wow, fuck you Dreamin’ Demon. You don’t normally mock the victims of crime here, but to characterize a woman’s violent sexual assault as some kind of wacky hijinks is disgusting. You cover some pretty far out stories on this sight, but this isn’t one of them. This is just a common attempted rape that you’re treating as though it was a Benny Hill sketch. There isn’t really anything interesting or of note about this, other than that you think it’s funny to sexually assault young women. I reiterate, fuck you Dreamin’ Demon.

  • Taxidermi

    Can’t imagine it would leave marks
    a pillow fight would’ve been better though :D

  • Eliza Berntsen

    How long was it that he could swing it about comfortably? Or was her face in his junk?

  • CT

    It’s usually the other way around for me – money up front.

  • http://www.dreamindemon.com Jaded

    I fucking love you, woman.

  • CT

    I couldn’t believe that NO ONE went there, Jaded. <3 you too.

  • http://www.dreamindemon.com Jaded

    What the hell are you talking about? ;)
    Changed it. Apparently, I’m the only one laughing.

  • http://www.dreamindemon.com Morbid

    Not true. I was laughing – just not for the reason you wanted. :P

  • http://www.dreamindemon.com Morbid

    If this upset you that badly, I suggest you stay away from any story Jaded writes regarding dick slapping. She finds it hilarious.

    http://www.dreamindemon.com/2012/11/26/fred-thomas-jailed-smacking-estranged-wife-face-dick/

  • Chatterbox

    Who the fuck answers the door at 3A.M.? Thats just ASKING to get robbed. Unless someone is screaming for emergency help and banging the door down, you do NOT answer it that late.

  • Chatterbox

    You must be new here.

  • CT

    I wanted to show you that we all aren’t taking this lightly, to help you out — I found an excellent link for you. http://www.wikihow.com/Have-a-Sense-of-Humor

  • http://www.dreamindemon.com Jaded

    Shup, ass.

  • http://www.dreamindemon.com Jaded

    Heh… I thought the pic I used looked familiar. Google obviously needs more ‘dick slapped’ pics that are SFW.

  • Taxidermi
  • thebossessecretary

    Come on, man. I’ve only met one or two men who had dicks long enough to swing it and hit you in the face. I know that I would have been scared but if somebody hit me in the face with a dick I’m not sure if I could have stopped laughing, even if they had a gun.

  • Texas Ranger

    When I dick slap a woman, I’m usually not asking for money… Maybe this guy doesn’t know what his willy’s for….???

  • thebossessecretary

    Dick slapping is actually hilarious. And more power to you if you have a dick that’s big enough to dick slap with. Come on. It’s funny as hell.

  • BrittBrittRoss

    She should’ve charged him!

  • Taster’sChoice

    That would be an understatement. He has 1 comment and 0 votes. Welcome to the DD Esteban, now FUCK YOU. (That’s customary too!)

  • Buffettgirl

    Party in the back? (I apologize for my over-tired, twisted sense of humor…)

  • DeweyCheatam

    no, no, sorry, I was totally laughing …. my comment was just me trying to get in on the joke!

  • Buffettgirl

    Was it attempted rape as well when he tried to rob the older man that answered the door? Or did it only become “common attempted rape” when the one burglar whipped his dick out? And seriously, where did Jaded “mock” the victim? I see mocking the bizarre-ass crime these two fucktards committed, but I don’t see where the victim was mocked at all. Do you happen to know this person or something? You seem to be taking this one really hard…

  • CT

    Is NSFW?

  • CT

    It should always be money first – its up to you where you take it after that. That sounds like some sort of HO code, doesn’t it?

  • Buffettgirl

    First Jaded, now me – I love you CT, that is some seriously priceless shit…

  • Taxidermi

    Only shows a tushie (it is freaking funny though xD)

  • Buffettgirl

    I have decided that 40 minutes of sleep is not enough.. I translated HO as “Home Owners” for a split second at first. Probably comes from having worked at a Real Estate office for five years… I like Ho Code though!

  • Texas Ranger

    if she didn’t suck it or jack it….she didn’t earn a thing.

  • BrittBrittRoss

    A woman could earn doing less than that, Just sayin…Lol!

  • Texas Ranger

    Apparently you are in a sellers market…. Here in a buyers market, much more work must be performed before monies are transferred.

  • Texas Ranger

    I’d like to think we are at least dangerous, if we are not lethal.

  • Eliza Berntsen

    An encounter once hit me in the face with his dick thinking that he was DA MAN and that it would make me super horny and want to jump him there and then. I still piss myself laughing at the ridiculousness of it.

  • Eliza Berntsen

    And women pay money to watch that? Where’s the dick?

  • Taxidermi

    I certainly wouldn’t, I’d rather dress my husband up, make him dance around and laugh at him ^^
    (or maybe laugh at catching him humping a pillow?? whatever comes first!)

  • DeweyCheatam

    wikihow, really? i am so disappointed in you.

  • Bob Saccamanno

    I wonder if they finished her off with the crème rinse.

  • DeweyCheatam

    I was on a first date one time, and we were back at his place. Nothing had happened, not even hand-holding. He excused himself, went to the bathroom, and came back to where I was sitting on the couch wearing little red speedo undies, walked right up close and stuck his crotch in my face! And that’s AFTER I’d heard him using his hairspray while he was in the bathroom!! We did not go out again.

  • DeweyCheatam

    And if it was long enough for him to swing it around comfortably, I might not have screamed or thrown him out. Just sayin. :/

  • Eliza Berntsen

    How could you let go of such a catch?

  • BrittBrittRoss

    Are you kiddin me? Sellers market….

  • SillyCynic

    Gotta say something…can’t just post a pic to emphasize your comment’s ending sentence.

  • SillyCynic

    Well…you kinda just ruined my casual foreplay.

    Thanks.

    >.>

  • JohnQknowitall

    Oh my god… did you send that message to me ’cause I was think’n the same thing! You must be a mind messenger or that video is just plain lame.

  • JohnQknowitall

    Did you mean cons?

    http://youtu.be/IDqR8hMTsuA

  • CT

    I’m 50, woman! You are lucky I still don’t use AOL for my email account.

  • Buffettgirl

    Awesomeness… I can’t believe only one person picked up on that. Well done! ;-)

  • BrittBrittRoss

    Do you like to Kick, stretch, & kick?! lol, you know, cuz you’re 50?

  • ThatOneMom

    Not gonna lie id rather be pistol whipped with a dick then a pistol lol

  • Aussie Sabbath

    “The man…his daughter-in-law” – Does anyone else think that it was the man’s son who staged the robbery because Dad was having an affair with his wife?

  • Zibarro aka Kryssa

    OK… so you did not go out again. But you haven’t enlightened us to what you *did* do ;) lol
    First dates are a tad bit unsettling already … do you risk him becoming a psycho by laughing at his obvious delusion that his junk in a red speedo is irresistible – or do you politely ask him to leave and *then* laugh your ass off?
    (I guess there is a 3rd option … obnoxious, presumptuous – but hung like a horse and hard to resist?)

  • Zibarro aka Kryssa

    Wow. Are you ever on the wrong site, bro. smdh

  • DeweyCheatam

    Weeeeelll, since you asked … I leaned over and nibbled on his junk, which got things started, and we ended up nekked and screwing like bunny rabbits. Unfortunately I was underwhelmed by his skills, and his size wasn’t sufficient to make up for it! lmao

  • Buffettgirl

    It crossed my mind…

  • Scrappy

    Yeah, but when I slap you with my pu$$y lips you’re probably gonna be thankful that the world is a bright and beautiful place where everybody should do what makes them happy as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else…

  • Scrappy

    Maybe you’ve never had the ‘pleasure’ of being slapped by one of those sometimes laughable organs. It is really not so very violent…way less than trying to get an unwilling toddler to poop on a potty at any rate…

  • Scrappy

    That is truly making me laugh. I am gazing at 50 on the not too far horizon and I just cannot stop thinking of that damn character…

  • Scrappy

    That definitely belongs in the first date hall of something…

  • Scrappy

    Way to go DC…liberated women everywhere are cheering for your chutzpah!

  • Scrappy

    Are you telling us that there are no, uhm “Gentlemen’s Clubs” where you live? Is it a Mormon community?

  • Scrappy

    Thank you. That was the only part of this story that was less than hilarious. 3 am? I would certainly look before I opened the door…maybe play the large, vicious dog recording…

    Then again, maybe I’ll always be on this side of the DD stories.

  • Zibarro aka Kryssa

    Been there, done that!
    Kudo’s to you, sista!

  • BrittBrittRoss

    I love her! *giggle every time I think of her…*

  • BlackHeywood

    Can she identify the dick that slapped her in a line up.

  • Texas Ranger

    No, they are around. I just prefer my titties to be free….and large….and looking me right in the eye.

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