Mayfair, PA — Philadelphia police are searching for a chunky white dude in his 40s or 50s, who apparently approaches random women while driving around town with his pork sword hanging all out in the open — once he has their attention, police say, he whips out a slice of Swiss cheese and offers to pay the women to use the cheese to aid in the bludgeoning of his beefsteak. Ugh… this guy sounds like a real muenster.
“I understand that people may think this is funny, but this is no laughing matter,” said Milt Martelack, the town watch’s senior adviser. (Tee-Hee!!) “We’ve had a couple individuals reach out to us. We’re taking this matter very seriously, and we’re working vigorously with police to get this guy off the streets.”
The incident is being investigated by the Special Victims Unit after several women from the general area filed reports describing similar encounters with the alleged cheese perv.
Once the news hit the wires, 21-year-old Gabby Chest recalled a disturbing communication with a man who’d contacted her on OkCupid back in 2012.
“He said he was looking for someone to perform masturbation on him with cheese,” Chest said. “He kept saying how strong his urges were and how desperate he was to find someone to help him with them.”
“I started to compare girls to cheese due to their milky complections [sic], girls are soft, smooth feeling and tend to like dairy products more,” he wrote. “That and typical advertising, always using a girl to advertise dairy products. So cheese is what I started to use as a replacement for having sex with girls.”
Chest contacted the Daily News after seeing a picture of the weirdo on Mayfair Town Watch’s Facebook page.
“There’s no doubt it was him; it looked exactly like the picture on his profile,” she said. “I was scared and shocked. I never thought the guys you see on those sites would be so close to me.”
Also, a quick “swiss cheese pervert” search on Google reveals a Reddit posting from back in 2008 — some dude in Philadelphia apparently posted about his undying love of Swiss cheese on craigslist. A few excerpts for ya….
“I love the way Swiss cheese feels against my penis. Either as slices of Swiss cheese being wrapped around my penis or a chunk of Swiss cheese being rubbed against my penis. I love even more when a woman uses the Swiss cheese to pleasure me. Or simply wraps Swiss cheese slices around my penis and allows me to hang out with her as I wear the cheese.”
“I prefer Swiss cheese over normal sex as a way of gratification because of a childhood condition. I ADHD as a child, that lead to lower self confidence and mental treatment, out of which I had a hard time forming relationships.”
“I tried many different kinds of cheese, but settled on Swiss as the best. First and foremost, if ever a picture of cheese is used, most of the time they use a representation of Swiss cheese. But also because of it’s eye patterns, texture, and the way it feels against my penis.”
“so why you may ask do I want a girl to wrap it around my penis, well I still want the attention of girls, my reasoning is that it’s easier to wrap cheese around my penis then it is to have sex. At least that is what I thought. That is not true, or I would get it all the time.”
“Now I am just addicted to it, like a smoker is addicted to cigarettes. It’s like a drug, that I simple can’t get enough of. Everything leading up to asking a girl, to having it done is the high, then once I cum, is the low, but the low satisfaction is short lived. That is why I like to have girls wrap cheese around me, and allow me to wear it and hang out with them, it extends the high I get from the cheese being on my penis. I would much rather know a couple girls and have them do it to me as much as possible, I simple can’t get enough.”
Aaaand now I feel dirty….
Blogger Victor Fiorillo has reason to believe the alleged cheese fucker is one Chris Pagano, a man twice arrested for solicitation. He researched Pagano a bit, found his Facebook, and even visited the man’s home. Once confronted and questioned about whether he was the Swiss Cheese Pervert, Pagano apparently had this to say…
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Sometimes people confuse me with somebody else.”
Fiorillo screencapped Pagano’s Facebook profile pic… which came in handy because Pagano went completely private and changed his default pic after the discussion on his doorstep. Chest was shown the pic and claimed Pagano was the man that asked her to get him off with stinky cheese.
So what’s next? Hopefully an arrest, says Joe DeFelice, chairman of the Mayfair Civic Association. He’s hopeful the neighborhood’s town watch, which he called the city’s best, can lead police to catching the “Swiss Cheese Pervert.”
“If they have a bead on him, I have faith,” he said. “I hope he gets cheese sandwiches in prison.” Which, in reality, would kinda defeat the purpose of the whole punishment thing, wouldn’t it?