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Cheesy pervMayfair, PA — Philadelphia police are searching for a chunky white dude in his 40s or 50s, who apparently approaches random women while driving around town with his pork sword hanging all out in the open — once he has their attention, police say, he whips out a slice of Swiss cheese and offers to pay the women to use the cheese to aid in the bludgeoning of his beefsteak. Ugh… this guy sounds like a real muenster.

“I understand that people may think this is funny, but this is no laughing matter,” said Milt Martelack, the town watch’s senior adviser. (Tee-Hee!!) “We’ve had a couple individuals reach out to us. We’re taking this matter very seriously, and we’re working vigorously with police to get this guy off the streets.”

The incident is being investigated by the Special Victims Unit after several women from the general area filed reports describing similar encounters with the alleged cheese perv.

Once the news hit the wires, 21-year-old Gabby Chest recalled a disturbing communication with a man who’d contacted her on OkCupid back in 2012.

“He said he was looking for someone to perform masturbation on him with cheese,” Chest said. “He kept saying how strong his urges were and how desperate he was to find someone to help him with them.”

An excerpt from said message, which Chest shared with Daily News, details the origin of the man’s self-described “fetish.” The message, in it’s entirety, can be found here.

“I started to compare girls to cheese due to their milky complections [sic], girls are soft, smooth feeling and tend to like dairy products more,” he wrote. “That and typical advertising, always using a girl to advertise dairy products. So cheese is what I started to use as a replacement for having sex with girls.”

Chest contacted the Daily News after seeing a picture of the weirdo on Mayfair Town Watch’s Facebook page.

“There’s no doubt it was him; it looked exactly like the picture on his profile,” she said. “I was scared and shocked. I never thought the guys you see on those sites would be so close to me.”

Also, a quick “swiss cheese pervert” search on Google reveals a Reddit posting from back in 2008 — some dude in Philadelphia apparently posted about his undying love of Swiss cheese on craigslist. A few excerpts for ya….

“I love the way Swiss cheese feels against my penis. Either as slices of Swiss cheese being wrapped around my penis or a chunk of Swiss cheese being rubbed against my penis. I love even more when a woman uses the Swiss cheese to pleasure me. Or simply wraps Swiss cheese slices around my penis and allows me to hang out with her as I wear the cheese.”

“I prefer Swiss cheese over normal sex as a way of gratification because of a childhood condition. I ADHD as a child, that lead to lower self confidence and mental treatment, out of which I had a hard time forming relationships.”

“I tried many different kinds of cheese, but settled on Swiss as the best. First and foremost, if ever a picture of cheese is used, most of the time they use a representation of Swiss cheese. But also because of it’s eye patterns, texture, and the way it feels against my penis.”

“so why you may ask do I want a girl to wrap it around my penis, well I still want the attention of girls, my reasoning is that it’s easier to wrap cheese around my penis then it is to have sex. At least that is what I thought. That is not true, or I would get it all the time.”

“Now I am just addicted to it, like a smoker is addicted to cigarettes. It’s like a drug, that I simple can’t get enough of. Everything leading up to asking a girl, to having it done is the high, then once I cum, is the low, but the low satisfaction is short lived. That is why I like to have girls wrap cheese around me, and allow me to wear it and hang out with them, it extends the high I get from the cheese being on my penis. I would much rather know a couple girls and have them do it to me as much as possible, I simple can’t get enough.”

Aaaand now I feel dirty….

Blogger Victor Fiorillo has reason to believe the alleged cheese fucker is one Chris Pagano, a man twice arrested for solicitation. He researched Pagano a bit, found his Facebook, and even visited the man’s home. Once confronted and questioned about whether he was the Swiss Cheese Pervert, Pagano apparently had this to say…

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Sometimes people confuse me with somebody else.”

Fiorillo screencapped Pagano’s Facebook profile pic… which came in handy because Pagano went completely private and changed his default pic after the discussion on his doorstep. Chest was shown the pic and claimed Pagano was the man that asked her to get him off with stinky cheese.

So what’s next? Hopefully an arrest, says Joe DeFelice, chairman of the Mayfair Civic Association. He’s hopeful the neighborhood’s town watch, which he called the city’s best, can lead police to catching the “Swiss Cheese Pervert.”

“If they have a bead on him, I have faith,” he said. “I hope he gets cheese sandwiches in prison.” Which, in reality, would kinda defeat the purpose of the whole punishment thing, wouldn’t it?

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  • Kelly Eklectusbird

    Umm.

  • http://www.dreamindemon.com Jaded

    Yeah, that was my first thought, too. Then, it was all about the ewwwwww.

  • Aussie Sabbath

    He looks like that whack-a-noodle Sondance the Clown that was busted for child porn in 2012.

  • Aussie Sabbath

    Balls do have a sharp vintage cheese smell to them. But I doubt that this is the reason why they smell like that.

  • mrskailuakona

    Here’s his five minutes of Swiss Cheese Hall of Shame from my hometown of Philly! Maybe he forgot there’s holes in the cheese so the “victims” of his sexual deviant acts could identify this Chubby Checker with a cheese fetish. Makes me want to NEVER buy swiss cheese again thank God I’m not in Philly anymore! SICK, twisted cheese lover who needs to be placed in psych ward without swiss cheese on the menu or in the fridge for those midnight hungry fetishes.

    Dumbass Award of the Year goes to: Gabby Chest from a small town outside of Philly now 21 who at age 19 replied to this WEIRDO with the Swiss Cheese Fetish by identifying herself with her name & her small town. Who does that? What you ask? Uses their real name to say they’re the victim. Isn’t it enough to say a 19 year old victim on OK Cupid had an email from the cheese masturbating perv.? Great move Gabby now expect more cheese lovers coming your way who gabs too much your name definitely suits you to a “T” or an “S” for Swiss or just a “C” for cheese!

  • Vesper B

    …I am never looking at cheese the same way again.

    :-

  • Wolf_of_Mars

    Would he go to jail as a pedo if he uses baby swiss cheese?

  • Quasimodem1969
  • Kittyskyfish

    Would a nasty yeast infection stir his loins too?

  • JimP

    The cheese “dick” head must be from Wisconsin

  • DW

    It ain’t easy bein’ cheesy.

  • darsa

    You’re right, Milt, it’s not funny.
    …it’s frigging hilarious. XD

  • LuvsHorror

    Why not just pay a prostitute?

  • 1DireWolf

    First of all I was chortling over the name Gabby Chest. Then I was like… Is that how Philadelphia Cream Cheese got its start?

    He told the reporter that is wasn’t him, but there are many holes in his story. He needs to pray to Cheesus to help him get over his addiction.

  • Taxidermi

    LMFAO!

  • Taxidermi

    I hope he becomes lactose intolerant, that would be worse than prison with cheese sandwiches lol

  • Andrew Duncan

    That puts philly cream cheese in a whole new context.

  • Lucy Van Pelt

    This story is full of holes. Curd it be there are two cheeseheads or is he stringing us along?

  • laurablue87

    I refuse to make a cheese on a cracker joke! I mean, the joke practically wrote itself already. Hey-OOOOO!!

  • http://tempestletrope.typepad.com/blog Tempest Nightingale LeTrope

    Well, now I’ve heard everything.
    Why doesn’t this nimrod just advertise on Craigslist and avoid involving the cops?
    I’m sure he’ll find a nice fellow named Bubba to handle his ham and cheese in jail!

  • http://tempestletrope.typepad.com/blog Tempest Nightingale LeTrope

    Drum roll please!

  • http://tempestletrope.typepad.com/blog Tempest Nightingale LeTrope

    That would be just desserts for him. However, most cheese does not have a high lactose content. I’m lactose intolerant, and I can eat cheese all day and never have a problem. If I have a milkshake or ice cream or even ranch dressing without my Lactaid, though, horrible, horrible things happen that are better not described in polite company–or even here!

  • ZodiacKiller

    It ain’t easy being cheesy

  • Taxidermi

    My sister must have an extreme lactose intolerance then, she can’t even TOUCH cheese (of any kind), or any other daily product for that matter without having a severe reaction.

  • MishLMae2009

    What. The. Fuck.

  • CD

    Terrible. Wear the cheese!

  • Siobhan

    Cheezus…

  • Wolf_of_Mars

    Sooo… CD = Cheese Dresser instead of the obvious? LOL!

  • Wolf_of_Mars

    Gabby Chest, huh? Sounds like a talkative pair ‘o boobs.

  • t0ofIy

    This guy is an idiot. You gotta build up to something like that. Maybe share a couple bottles of wine first to loosen her up.

  • Lena60

    No grilled cheese sandwiches at his house * gag* “Who cut the cheese?”THIS GUY.

  • Jessie

    Ahhh my hometown comes through again :-p Thank you, Philly.

  • Vindictive

    Apparently he didn’t have the cheddar. Although I do dis a brie with his technique.

  • Delaney3030

    Me too. Regardless, I took a bite of ice cream last night.Yolo, right? In my head I could hear singing. Push it to the limit, limit, limit. As punishment for my transgression, I’m in the bathroom right now. Yay

  • letinstar

    what can he do with the velvetta?

  • Texas Ranger

    I got one fuckin question: Why Swiss Cheese? Why not Velveeta or even sweaty cheddar cheese? Seems like the sweaty cheddar would be the way to go for lubricity. Hell, even squeeze cheese would be preferable. I can even see having a couple of hot chicks licking the cheese off the meat stick as pretty sexy, but really? just jerk him off?…what a fuckin sex-rookie…no imagination at all.

  • Buffettgirl

    I just urped a little in my mouth… thanks! ;)

  • Buffettgirl

    When he’s feeling spicy does he use pepper-jack? Maybe he’s just bleu over not getting the response from his ad he’d hoped for?

  • thebossessecretary

    As fetishes go, that one’s pretty easy to deal with. Just wrap cheese around the guy’s dick, set him in the corner to watch TV for an hour, collect your money and go home.

  • Lena60

    Gives a whole new meaning to pilly cheese steak sandwich. :p

  • Lena60

    Nahhh, I bet he smells like sweaty cheese.ick. I think I just threw-up in my mouth a little

  • Jessie

    I’m sad because I couldn’t come up with any decent cheesy one-liners myself, ha

  • shewentwhoa

    I will never look at swiss cheese the same ever again

  • tkaz

    I thought I hit the jackpot ( I didn’t!!).
    I went to search his name & the first one in PA I clicked. Too good to be true, right? Well the guy I found married a woman with the last name of Kraft & I thought, “NO WAY!” Turns out I was totally off base…..but how awesome would that have been!???

  • http://www.dreamindemon.com Count Rackula

    I don’t know. While this is super weird and all, I have to give the guy a break. While I have never heard of a cheese fetish, there’s much weirder shit out there. I’ve seen some weird shit, but the thing where people dress head to toe in rubber or fuck each other in giant animal costumes raises my brow. But that being said, I’d let him pay me to converse with him while he wears cheese around his dick. Whatever makes you happy, bro. Just pay me afterward and don’t expect to penetrate me with your cheesedick.

    Wow I’ve called people cheesedick before and I think after reading this article I feel completely different about that term.

    God this site has desensitized me to everything supremely weird or fucked up. The other day I saw a guy with a dirty sock wrapped around his head yelling about something, and lighting something on fire on a busy intersection street corner and didn’t even blink. What is wrong with me.

  • mean birch

    this really stinks. who cut the cheese?

  • mean birch

    i cant stop laughing to think of something funny to say…. well played!

  • JohnQknowitall

    When I think of penises and cheese I gag. Ugh.

  • Lemurocious

    I guess I’m the only geek who had the immediate thought, “I wear the cheese; it does not wear me.”

  • CT

    Fondue.

  • CT

    OMG, where is this lovely place? I want to eat the cheese, not wear it on my genitals.

  • Jessie

    That’s what I was thinking…

  • DeweyCheatam

    In my informal, decades long sexual survey, I have found that men with imagination and skills have plenty of willing partners, and don’t end up in situations like this. :/

  • Teresa Fine

    I just cleaned out my refrigerator. No more swiss cheese for me…EVER.

  • t3chsupp0rt

    Brings a whole new meaning to ‘mushroom swiss’.

  • Aussie Sabbath

    http://www.dreamindemon.com/2012/06/21/sondance-clown-arrested-caught-child-porn/#comment-564983894

    Note the similarities between Thomas Morgan (aka Sondance the Clown) and the cheez-whiz up there.

  • Rachel Ann

    Wow so being banned from the forums wasn’t enough? Now you have to fucking inundate us with your crazy ramblings as well? Go crawl back under your rock and take your crazy pills!

  • SraChina

    leave her here bwaahahahahaha

  • Aussie Sabbath

    Or he scared the last one off with his Blue Vein. She Dunlop-ed off on him, Stilton him with the goods.

  • brandi

    Oh, so you handed the “Dumbass crown” down to the victim? I think you should probably just keep it. Seeing as how you’re the dumbest chick I’ve seen in some time. And I see some pretty stupid bitches.

  • brandi

    Better than baggy chest…

  • billymadatchu

    Every time i come across someone from Philly… they cannot type or speak English worth a crap… i think maybe a study should be done on its public education system, or the lack thereof. reading your post makes fucking a block of swiss cheese somehow seem normal.

  • Steve

    “Squeeky Cheese” is going to be this guy’s nic in jail(*note signage) This picture is nothing but punch lines. ;)

  • Quasimodem1969

    I think I found his new girlfriend.

  • CT

    I think I will never be able to eat a piece of wrapped, fake cheese EVER again, now.

  • Thy_Yeti_Knows

    Melt it on a nice firm zucchini and get back to us

  • Lena60

    Throwing out all cheese as we speak :(

  • BrittBrittRoss

    Heyyyyy!!!!! I am in Philly…

    …but I’m originally from Brooklyn, & they are pretty remedial, so, carry on…

  • BrittBrittRoss

    Hubba, hubba *waggles eyebrows*

  • JohnHousecat

    Wine and cheese… … … …