Readers of this site are well-informed on the dangers of pit bulls and their insatiable lust for human blood. But a man in Italy didn’t find this out until one of his two pit bulls chewed off his balls.
Firefighters found the 30-year-old man inside his apartment after his girlfriend, who hadn’t heard from him, called and asked them to perform a welfare check. She explained that he was a chronic diabetic and may have suffered a medical emergency preventing him from calling for help.
Once firefighters got inside the man’s apartment, they found him laying on the floor unconscious. He had lost a lot of blood from a severe injury caused by one of his two pit bulls chowing down on his yam bag. The man was rushed to the hospital in serious condition, but it is now being reported that he died from his injuries yesterday morning.
It is not known if the man had passed out from realizing his dog just popped of his balls, or if his testicles were removed after he’d already fell unconscious. I can only pray for the latter scenario, but I know how pit bulls think. I have no doubt the dog gobbled the gonads while the man was alert, then waited until he was weak from blood loss before tea-bagging the man with his own testicles.
Lately I have been accused of yellow journalism; unfairly painting pit bulls in a bad light in order to get more page views. That is absurd and couldn’t be further from the truth. I am trying to save you people! Do you not see that the end times have begun as told by the Bible?
Revelation 9:1 “And the fifth angel sounded, and I saw a star fall from heaven unto the earth: and to him was given the key to the Pits.“
Revelation 9:2 “And he let loose the Pits; and there arose a smoke from the mouths of the Pits, as the smoke of a great furnace; and the sun and the air were darkened by reason of the smoke from the Pits.“
Revelation 9:4 “And it was commanded them that they should not hurt the grass of the earth, neither any green thing, neither any tree; but only eat the loins of the wicked and slay their children with claw and gnashing teeth.”
So a hearty “fuck you” to those of you who doubt my true intentions when reporting on these beasts. My only crime is that I care about you, dear reader, and do not want you to burn in eternal Hellfire. If you’d like to help me with my mission, God has commanded me to inform you of the Paypal button at the top of the page. Praise the Lord.