Good day, sickos. I want to thank all of you for your calls and emails inquiring about my well-being and offering sex at various public parks. But fear not, I am just on a much-deserved, much-needed vacation. Although I am off this week, I will be writing up some stuff off and on while finally being able to focus on some DD house cleaning. I'll also have time to respond to some of you interested in writing. In the meantime, be sure to check out the forums for the latest in terrible news.

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Eugenio FreitasStaffordshire — A 49-year-old grandfather has been banned from every grocery store in the entire UK after he was caught whippin’ up a load of baby batter in the meat aisle of a Sainsbury’s supermarket.

Eugenio Freitas told the court Monday he truly and fully intended to go shopping back in early July, but became overwhelmed by his ‘excessive sexual drive’. I’m tellin’ ya, a good looking prime rib gets my drive all kinds of worked up.

Prosecutor Marcus Harry informed the court that at least one store employee was willing to give Freitas the benefit of the doubt when she first witnessed him playing pocket pool — she assumed he was merely adjusting himself. Before too long, though, a customer complained about Freitas’ “adjustment” tactics.

The staff member was called to the CCTV area, where she and the security guard were given their own little show….

“He was seen for about ten minutes with his hands down his trousers and in his pocket with his hands moving around,” said Marcus Harry.

Freitas is apparently obsessed with that thing —  he was placed on the sex offender registry after being found guilty of exposing himself in another supermarket back in 2010. This go ’round, Freitas pleaded guilty to the charge of outraging public decency and was given a six-month suspended prison sentence. That, and he can’t go to a supermarket without adult supervision. Heh.

Outraging public decency. I like the way that rolls off the tongue… it is way sexier than “public indecency.”

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  • Sam

    I shop at Sainsbury’s. That whole article, all i kept screaming at my monitor was “WHICH ONE?? WHERE??” Thank fuck for that little ‘Staffordshire’ tag at the end. *tries to get heart back in chest*

  • Sam

    And now he never has to go shopping again. It sure is an effective way of getting out of doing your chores.

  • http://www.dreamindemon.com Jaded

    I’m sorry you missed the show, too, Sam, but please try to calm down…. you’re freaking me out.

  • http://www.dreamindemon.com Jaded

    That’s MY plan, anyway…

  • Sam

    Touché :)

  • http://www.dreamindemon.com Jaded

    You don’t want his pics in your spank bank anyway….

  • Sam

    Taking ‘hot hunk of man meat’ to a whole ‘nother level.

  • Jessie

    I don’t understand public masturbation; but maybe that’s because I’m a girl and we don’t do that :-p

  • beatlechick

    And Jaded goes to the meat aisle, so she doesn’t have to fantasize about the bacon. <3

  • itsknotme

    FOR A MAN TO DO THIS AT A GROCERY STORE, THIS IS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR!!!

    Now if he’s with his wife, at a ladies clothing store, waiting for her to finish trying on clothes, ….. I’d say … oh … never mind.

  • beatlechick

    It’s harder to whip out our vag’s… I think that’s why you don’t see a lot of women rubbing one out in public.

  • Jessie

    Well I figured that was the reason you never hear about it. Can you imagine? I don’t think anyone would call the cops either hahaha. Too unbelievable and engrossing.

  • Lena60

    I would hate to eat at his house. No telling what he has done to the steaks, before they go on the bar-B-Que…Ack!

  • DeweyCheatam

    Wait. He didn’t even whip it out where anyone could see it? Still gross and inappropriate, for sure, but sort of tame, IMO, when you consider what he could have done. lol or, it just occurred to me, maybe it’s so small he CAN’T whip it out publicly, a la helicopter dude from the other day!

  • t3chsupp0rt

    How else does one expect to get any pudding?!

  • DeweyCheatam

    torn b/t “lmao” and “grooosssssss”

  • http://www.dreamindemon.com Jaded

    Mmmmmm….bacon. Fap.

  • patrickdh10

    Shaking it here boss.

  • Andrea Pizzuto

    Fondling your pork sword in the meat aisle. Classy.

  • Mr.CustodialArts

    To coincide with the grocery store/jackin’-off motif, whilst employed at a grocery store during my teen years I heard of a kid who worked in the produce department who cut holes in his pockets for the express purpose of easy access to his junk. He would peek out the window of one of those swingy doors as a foxy lady handled the Foxy lettuce and…well, you know.

  • thebossessecretary

    The grocery store???? The meat aisle???? Since most sexual behavior is learned, what in the hell happened to this poor bastard that makes him get hard at the grocery store?

  • Buffettgirl

    Not to yell at you or anything, but I DON’T WANT TO KNOW! ;-P

  • Buffettgirl

    Maybe the batter was for the Yorkshire Pudding?

  • LuvsHorror

    You don’t like meat sauce?

  • Lena60

    lmao, no, not into the secret sauce. :p

  • ShelbySP

    How can you have any pudding if you don’t beat your meat?

  • Wolf_of_Mars

    But, those steaks were giving him the “rib eye.”

  • Wolf_of_Mars

    Women don’t need to as long as they keep making ben-wa balls.

  • http://www.truecrimereport.com CallMeMister

    “staff member” *snicker*

  • salepo

    Brilliant

  • Delaney3030

    I dunno, if you squint your eyes, he looks kind of like Alec Baldwins fat uncle with down syndrome.

  • Delaney3030

    Continuing the pink Floyd reference theme lately. Hats off

  • hicusdicus

    I can get pretty hot for a ribeye but this puts a whole meaning to tenderizing ones meat.

  • hershey

    Blame it on the chicken breasts.

  • hershey

    Blame it on the chicken breasts.

  • JohnQknowitall

    Everybody knows gravy is in the canned foods aisle.