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Brian HounslowTulsa, OK — Mr. Sad Face to the left is 37-year-old Brian Hounslow — he was busted this week after a woman told police, and apparently anyone else that would listen, that she witnessed him wankin’ his willy in the ladies room at Walmart.

It all started at about 8:30 Wednesday morning…..

Customer Beth Davis, 61, claims she headed into the shitter that morning and found Hounslow standing in front of the mirror, shirtless, with his pants around his ankles and his wiener in his hand. At that point, Davis did the only thing she could think to do — point and laugh…just kidding… she ran out of the bathroom and started yelling for help.

“There’s a naked man in the bathroom masturbating,” she reportedly shouted for several minutes.

Her screams for help did nothing. Sooooo, Davis took matters into her own hands. When Hounslow exited the restroom, fully clothed, thank gawd, she whipped out her cell phone and began filming.

In the video, you can hear Davis proclaim, again, and quite enthusiastically at that, that she had seen Hounslow fiddlin’ with himself in the restroom.

“My name is Beth Davis and I witnessed it. You were naked and had your pants down around your ankles. Someone stop him. Do not let him go out that door. Stop this man! Stop that man!”

Again, Walmart employees were a little hesitant to rush to her aid. A store vendor eventually found his way over to Hounslow and attempted to detain him, but stopped in his tracks when a store employee suggested that he not touch the alleged wanker. Not because Hounslow may not have washed his hands, but because Walmart apparently has some sort of policy against detaining or following wrong-doers and/or scofflaws. However, a manager did call police.

Another customer followed Hounslow out of the store and started snapping pictures of his car and license plate. He was taken into custody at his home a short time later.

According to the arrest report, Hounslow did admit to the dirty deed. That same document also notes that Davis saw Hounslow’s “fully exposed turgid penis.” Aaaaaand that should keep me giggling for hours…. after I find out the definition of “turgid.”

Hounslow was booked on charges of felony indecent exposure. He’s being held in lieu of $5,000 bond.

Davis is still a little peeved, I think.

“Who gets up at 8:30 in the morning and decides they’re going to go to Walmart, take off all their clothes and masturbate in the women’s bathroom?” she said. “It’s pretty sick … How could you think you weren’t going to get caught?”

In Hounslow’s defense, though, he did tell Davis he wasn’t aware he was in the women’s room. oO

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  • CT

    Who gets up at 8:30 in the morning and decides they’re going to go to Walmart, take off all their clothes and masturbate in the women’s bathroom? — Jaded is this a trick question?

  • Nikkie Doingmyownthing Hamilto

    lmmfao!!:-):-):-)

  • Hime_Takamura

    I have worked at Walmart and they do have a policy where employees aren’t allowed to detain customers.

  • itsknotme

    Hounslow, … dam? If he’d only been named Handfast, he could of been done before she got there.

  • http://www.dreamindemon.com Jaded

    I don’t know why that made me laugh so hard, but it did.

  • JohnQknowitall

    Referring to any other store’s bathroom as a shitter would be crude, but some somehow seems appropriate for the “W” store. I suspect the family of billionaires who own a controlling interest also have shitters in their many homes as their many of their employees will sit down to a Thanksgiving dinner paid for by a food stamp program significantly damaged by politicians this family heavily supported during the last sets of political campaigns. God bless the American way.

    Does someone really need to be told not to touch another human unless invited or when that person is causing actual immediate physical harm to another human or animal?

  • Mr.CustodialArts

    Treat that statement like a Mad Lib and most guys could customize it, no problem:

    “I got up at ______ in the morning and decided to go to ______, take off ______ and masturbate in ______.”

  • JohnQknowitall

    Mr. Sad Face of Tulsa, OK obviously!!! :)

  • JohnQknowitall

    It is a really good rule for living in America to protect your financial future, etc…

  • CT

    I thought you were going to say – they have a policy where employees aren’t allowed to masturbate with the customers. I need to perhaps take a break from this site if that is what I thought I read.

  • JohnQknowitall

    He’d still be in a sticky mess.

  • Valerie

    Turgid: (adjective) swollen and distended or congested

    LMAO

  • Dre Mosley

    What turns you on in a freaking Walmart?

  • Texas Ranger

    Well thank the Good Lord he wasn’t in the Toy department.

    They must really have nice bathrooms at this Walmart, I don’t even like the bottom of my shoe to touch anything in my local one

  • Texas Ranger

    LOW PRICES!!!

  • CT

    National Lampoon Christmas Vacation – best.Christmas.movie.ever. Though I am one of those folks that will watch The Christmas Story all day on TBS.

  • http://www.dreamindemon.com Jaded

    Pringles for $1.18.

  • Sam

    Oh come on, show the man some mercy. If he needed a wall-sized mirror and a lack of clothes that could obscure the view to be able to even find his weener and be able to masturbate, surely we should be pitying the poor fool, not pointing fingers and laughing. No, wait…

  • JohnQknowitall

    I love A Christmas Story, but who doesn’t? It is so hard to pick a favorite scene from that movie….

    http://youtu.be/LtwVgOmPNPE

  • VenusDoom3
  • thebossessecretary

    This brings me to a question I ask every morning. For the love of God, why do you want to screw every morning? Who has the energy? Who has the time before work? Who actually feels sexy, other than you, at 5:45 a.m. Why, men Why?

  • Texas Ranger

    I could answer this, but you do not have high enough security clearance. sorry.

  • Mz. Aquafina

    I love that movie too! My favorite

  • Valerie

    You know, they do sell those vibrating cock rings there lmao.

  • StarTheory

    Lolol! This made my morning!

    Welcome back Jaded! It’s good to see your name on here :)

  • Buffettgirl

    Point and laugh EVERY chance you get Sam, I sure as hell do! ;-)

  • Buffettgirl

    That oh-so-sexy “lingerie” they have there?

  • Buffettgirl

    Can’t wait to go to Walmart this weekend. I think I’ll go to the 10am show though, I hate waking up early on the weekends…

  • fugly17

    I’m pretty sure it’s a female thing to have the need to FEEL sexy to have sex.

  • LuvsHorror

    Fat people on scooters?

  • Jycorro

    Not so bad. I read somewhere that a guy took a dump in one of the changing rooms.

  • NY_Mommy

    She should have yelled, ‘Someone’s trying to organize a union in the bathroom!’. Would have gotten a more immediate response.

  • Texas Ranger

    *golf clap*

    I nominate this comment as “Walmart Slam-of-the-Year”

  • Texas Ranger

    I’m pretty sure it’s a male thing to have the need just for you to BE there to have sex.

  • fugly17

    It’s preferable. Any bathroom and a mirror will do in a pinch :P

  • Buffettgirl

    And what is it about 8:30 in the morning anyway? Isn’t that when the two got caught inside the shed at Home Depot? I mean I’m not going to say no to 8:30 am nookie, but I sure as hell plan on staying in the house to accomplish it…. (or hotel room, tent, what have you…)

  • Renee Waugh

    ha ha ha ha ha ha !!!!!!! ha ha ha ha!!!! lmafo!! i dont think i would ever walk out my door again!! what a fat dumb idiot loser!

  • Kittyskyfish

    Hoarding shopping carts filled with fried snacks and Mountain Dew b/c the food stamp system malfunctioned again.

  • Laura_RT

    **snickers** Jaded said turgid!

    Totally made my day!

  • mean birch

    ok, I read the first three words, looked up and confirmed what I KNEW…. it was written by Jaded!

    Welcome back!

  • JohnQknowitall

    Ernest!!! I’d forgotten all about Ernest… RIP.

  • 18th40

    Good answer Tex, keep them on a need to know basis.

  • VenusDoom3

    Any time anything grosses me out, Ernest saying “Ewwwwww” pops into my head. There’s really no better way to communicate utter disgust.

  • bigcced

    I love Walmart.
    They have something for everyone.

    PS – Guess whose back.I know I was missed :)

  • Lena60

    What Jaded? No bacon in this story?* looks at mugshot* Ok never mind.

  • Lena60

    Those Hot 350Lb woman in spandex, I guess.

  • Lena60

    Lmao TR.

  • Lena60

    lmao

  • Lena60

    Welcome back

  • bigcced

    Thanks Lena.I have missed you guys :)

  • 18th40

    Hey stranger, good to see you.

  • Lena60

    He might not have been in the toy department, but he was definitely playing with something. :p

  • Lena60

    I just got back recently myself Ced. I wondered what happened to you .

  • newstarshipsmell

    Write your password down somewhere this time.

  • JustBrowsingLife

    I think Jaded is asking for a buddy to go with next time. I’m in!

  • JustBrowsingLife

    That’s twice this week hearing the word turgid to describe the male genitals.

  • http://www.dreamindemon.com Jaded

    I don’t do mornings. Let’s shoot for 10:00 pm-ish.

  • Teleute

    Perhaps he provides home entertainment, like kids’ birthday parties?

    http://p.twimg.com/AlngnjSCIAEgps2.jpg

  • TheDevilsInTheDetails

    Somehow, “congested and swollen penis” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. ;D

  • salepo

    I would love to screw every morning!I’m up at 6 that works for me. I have narcolepsy and even I will wake up for that.

  • bigcced

    :) Thanks I’ma be around a lot more often now.I think I got my password problem solved.I missed this site and the good company.

  • bigcced

    You have always impressed me with your high level intelligence newstarshipsmell …. that’s exactly what my issue was … I couldn’t log onto the comments to comment. Finally managed to change my password … so I’m back.

  • bigcced

    WOW – Brian Hounslow must be living a very rough life … or not getting any sleep – he looks less like 37 and more like 62.

  • Thy_Yeti_Knows

    Morning breath is always an issue …. for CT’s dog

  • Thy_Yeti_Knows

    Morbid Farquis….. I swear to God he had yellow eyes

  • ultracreep

    Oh god, the fat people on scooters are a pet peeve. I am less than small myself and all I want to do is scream at them “GET UP AND WALK! it was your laziness that probably caused the need to use the scooter in the first place!” One night after work I see a mother daughter two tons of fun tag team on scooters at walmart, and the daughter hefts herself out of the scooter to grab something on the top shelf and I thought “hell if you can reach the shit on the top shelf you can walk your ass through the store.” smdh.

    * I am not a “fat hater” and I realize that some of these people have real medical issues, however, most of them would be lessened by some exercise.

  • ultracreep

    Why do they always wear white underwear under the black, stretched too thin spandex? Oh god, my eyes. Conversely, I should feel lucky that they are wearing underwear at all.

  • ultracreep

    I work 3p to 11:30p and often don’t get in bed until 2am….then at 5am here comes Mr.Happy Morning trying to wake me up to get some and I’m sleeping good and the eyes are crusty, breath smells like hot garbage….still he doesn’t care.

  • ultracreep

    Someone laid a big ass turd on the last aisle of the shoe department when I worked there years ago.

  • Lena60

    Ick to John wayne Gacy…evil fucker.This pic makes him look like he could have been in a Batman movie.

  • Teleute

    Yeah, but there’s a reason he called himself “Pogo the Clown.”

  • BluExtacy

    Smh because… Walmart

  • CD

    I miss living in Tulsa, but not events like this. It was funny to see which one it was. This Walmart is at 66th and Memorial. That was our neighborhood walmart.
    I’m horrified!

  • Taster’sChoice

    http://www.peopleofwalmart.com. ’nuff said! Maybe he saw something he had to frap to on the way to the “shitter.”

  • PinkFreud

    I live in Tulsa and I’ve seen way worse at the Memorial/ Admiral one…uggghh =/

  • Sam

    He doesn’t care because there’s no blood anywhere near his optic nerve… ;)

  • Buffettgirl

    Well played! ;-)

  • Valerie

    I think of sneezing when I think congested lmao. His congested penis was sneezing lmao

  • DEADfairie

    That’s what 37 looks like!!

  • CT

    Cedric?

  • CT

    It’s OK, Jessie already has the corner on fat hating on DD. I think she called dibs on it first.

  • Jessie

    Thank you, CT… and yes- I got dibs! Nothing worse than the fatties on the scooters :-p

  • LeaveMeBe

    I want the ring back. I can’t marry you.

  • LeaveMeBe

    Not a damn thing.

  • LeaveMeBe

    She’s still a stage 5 clinger, I see.

  • LeaveMeBe

    OMFG! *faints*

  • LeaveMeBe

    *hands you a cookie*

    *takes back cookie and hands you a bottle of wine*

  • CT

    There has never been and never will be a dog. Nope, not happening.

  • CT

    You know me so well. AND NO, you can’t have your ring back.

  • CT

    You didn’t hear this from me but someone told me 18th40 is a stalker. Just so you know. Gotta watch your back with that one.

  • CT

    Not happening. Just saying – til death do us part.

  • LeaveMeBe

    I’m not sure if this is a promise or a threat. But in all honesty, I couldn’t leave you if I tried.

  • David Thompkins

    Perhaps he was just exercising his prostate?

  • JGo555

    Holey shit he looks like my cousin in law!