Good day, sickos. I want to thank all of you for your calls and emails inquiring about my well-being and offering sex at various public parks. But fear not, I am just on a much-deserved, much-needed vacation. Although I am off this week, I will be writing up some stuff off and on while finally being able to focus on some DD house cleaning. I'll also have time to respond to some of you interested in writing. In the meantime, be sure to check out the forums for the latest in terrible news.

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shroomsYpsilanti, MI – I’ve had a some bad trips over the years of ingesting various chemicals, including an out of body experience that triggered an anxiety attack, but nothing compared to the 41-year-old man who ripped off part of his penis after eating some hallucinogenic mushrooms.

Washtenaw County Sheriff’s deputies responding to an alarm at Ypsilanti Middle School found the man outside of the school naked and screaming. He was kneeling and bloody from the waist down, with parts of his genitals ripped off. Sgt. Geoff Fox said parts of the man’s body were transferred to the hospital with him. o_O

Fox said had they not found the man when they did, he probably would have died. “In terms of vital signs, they were as low as they could go without being dead — I could only assume due to the blood loss and the shock and trauma to the body,” he said.

At first they couldn’t figure out what had happen to the guy because he was just babbling and unable to explain why he was outside of the school and why, more importantly, had he removed part of his dick.

“He really wasn’t saying much at all — a lot of yelling and screaming,” Fox said. “He wasn’t making sense. They couldn’t really communicate with him in terms of constructive conversation.”

After being taken to the hospital, he was eventually able to tell investigators he doesn’t remember anything aside from eating some hallucinogenic mushrooms earlier that day while visiting friends in a neighborhood near the school. Since the man doesn’t have a history of mental problems or extensive drug use, his blood is being tested.

“We’ve sent his blood off for further analysis to see if there was anything else, if the mushrooms could have been laced with something,” Fox said. Good call because either this guy is lying, or there was some serious shit in those mushrooms. I’ve never seen anyone get violent on those things, at least not rip-off-your-own-junk violent.

Police plan on charging the man with burglary because he broke a window to get inside the school, although he didn’t steal anything.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/alicia.parrish.129 Alicia Parrish

    OUCH!!!!

  • Evan

    That happened in my city of Ypsilanti Michigan — not ohio. And i don’t understand how he destroyed his junk…the word on the streets has been a dog tore it off ripped it up. Not joking either, I drive by this middleschool sometimes — maybe 4 minute drive —- this neighborhood can be rough depending on the time of day. Just outside ann arbor no less.

  • Evan

    and all the shrooms round here have been legit lately…

  • http://www.facebook.com/Mrs.Ashley.Bryant Ashley Bryant

    This actually happened in Ypsilanti, Mi. The man was from Ohio.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=30315553 Evan Oswald

    naw that happend in my hood not columBUST Ohio

  • http://www.facebook.com/thedreamindemon The Dreamin’ Demon

    Thanks. Fixed.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Mrs.Ashley.Bryant Ashley Bryant

    perhaps bath salts were mixed in? If shrooms alone did this, he must have eaten way more than the recommended dosage.

  • Sam

    Taking ‘jerking off’ entirely too literally.

  • newstarshipsmell
  • Buffettgirl

    My first thought was “Damn I sure hope this isn’t a local story!” I’m happy to say that it isn’t…. on another note, maybe Junkless here and Hippie Nekkid Girl running around in Skamania County, Washington can find each other and fall in love…

  • Parrot Toes

    Shrooms marketing campaign fail. “Buy our shrooms. They are so good it’s re-dickuless.”

    That’s how I am imagining this went down any way.

  • http://www.dreamindemon.com Count Rackula

    I miss you and your shenanigans. :-)

    ETA: I guess they were OUR shenanigans. Ha. :P

  • Parrot Toes

    Well, I’m here now. Let get back to it. :)

  • Athena

    I was so excited to see this story in the queue.

    I don’t understand how things like this can happen. I ate a ton of these when I was younger. A TON. Self-mutilation never crossed my mind. In fact, no destructive behavior ever crossed my mind. I just found myself finally grasping the ultimate meaning of life and staring at animated inanimate objects for excessive periods. Once my girlfriends and I sent a man at a payphone into hysterics. The four of us were walking at twilight from one friend’s house to another when one of us spotted the moon, so she stopped in her tracks and silently pointed. The three of us, in a trance, did the exact same thing. The guy on the payphone lost it, his loud laughter breaking our trance. We didn’t rip ears off or anything… we just kept walking.

    Ahhh… to be young again. Or maybe I should have a mid-life crisis and start going to Burning Man like my husband’s older sister and her spouse. But I digress.

  • http://www.facebook.com/honey.2320 Felicia Driscoll

    Michael Howell… Take note. Lol

  • Parrot Toes

    I dunno. I didn’t do shrooms as a teen, but I did have a boyfriend who lived off them. He was the funniest guy I ever dated. He had no interest in sex though, and I was pretty friggen hot back then. Me and my high libido dumped his ass. This story has me thinking that maybe he was only partial in the dick department as well……..

  • BangoSkank

    I’m going to go ahead and say it, it was only a matter of time before this dude ripped his own cock off. Lets not blame the drugs.

  • Texas Ranger

    Hows the libido” now?

  • tinalovesnick

    At least he avoided an indecent exposure charge.

  • http://www.facebook.com/brett.gloss Alan Isntevenmyname Gloss

    There is a recommended dosage for ‘shrooms, @ashley?

  • Gee

    I had many a good times on shrooms…. LOVED them. My boyfriend came into the living room and caught trying to pet my fish in the fish tank. I manage to get one of the bigger ones in the net and I was petting him nicely with one finger. He made put him back… :( So much fun frying on shrooms.

  • Parrot Toes

    While reading DD? I’d have to be a sociopath to have any libido here. ;)

  • Parrot Toes

    I hope you were petting with the scales and not against. Poor fishy.

  • Parrot Toes

    I wonder if he can be charged with a partial indecent exposure charge?…….

  • http://www.facebook.com/DavidJube David Jubanyik

    i’ve been high before, but never ripping my penis off high.

  • http://www.facebook.com/neserit Hedwig-Mae Bryant

    3.5 g is the base dose. If you’re starting out and you go higher than that, you’re gonna have a bad time.

  • tinalovesnick

    Or indecent exposure laying on ground nearby charge.

  • billymadatchu

    mmmmmm shrooooooms :)

  • mean birch

    Wad it the helmet he ripped off? Maybe mistook it for another shroom?

  • mean birch

    You’re still hot

  • McDanel_1771

    My vote is bath salts.

  • Parrot Toes

    Woah, I actually had to check my temperature there. I thought you were serious! :P

  • JohnQknowitall

    Being a male I immediately thought and still wonder which important parts did he rip off. It’s all pretty important, but there are a couple of areas that seem to do the job better… I will spare you guys those details.

  • JohnQknowitall

    I never tried them, but with your description I want to… then I think of Mr. Shredded Pork and…

  • shanshanity

    So…what is the meaning of life?

  • newstarshipsmell

    Sharing the rainbow from your anus.

  • sugarpie

    My bet is his friends “salted” his shrooms and have a fun video waiting for his release.

  • shanshanity

    …cool

  • BrittBrittRoss

    With friends like those…

  • http://www.facebook.com/michael.howell.73113 Michael Howell

    Ahahahaha

  • WarriorArtemis

    Back in my day shrooms only made you see shit like little green army men popping out of the wall…I never saw anyone rip off their dick though o.O me thinks something else happened.

  • WarriorArtemis

    Yes the dippy hippies are out in full force near Seattle…

  • WarriorArtemis

    That’s what I was thinking.

  • Evan

    at the party store last night – 2 guys told me that the man ripped his entire package right off. Rumors that hopefully will be verified the next time i bump into a cop around here (which hopefully isn’t any time soon).

  • Buffettgirl

    Oh we’ve got ‘em in Portland too!

  • Evan

    shrooms are legit! more trippy than acid IMO

  • Evan

    they ever find that girl?

  • Buffettgirl

    Not that I know of… last I heard the tracking dogs lost her scent at a forest logging road and there’s been no news of her since. It’s actually sad, on the stooopid side of sad to be sure, but still sad.

  • FrikkenFrak

    I can handle this story ONLY without knowing WHICH PART. A visual would ruin my mind.

  • FrikkenFrak

    When I was a teen (ah….so many years back), a kid in my neighborhood tripped and cut off his balls with a pair of scissors. A really gorgeous guy.

  • Scretch

    my guess is bath salts and a pit bull. That video was hilarious.

  • Evan
  • WarriorArtemis

    We should pull what Cartman did in South Park lol

  • Mel Weber

    Sounds more like PCP to me.

  • Valerie

    Oh Lord, don’t we!!

  • Valerie

    My first experience with ‘shrooms was back on New Year’s Eve, 197…,never mind that! But they had a Christmas tree with the liquid lights that bubble. Oh, I found all the answers to the Universe in those lights!

  • Humanist99

    I can actually see why that would be an amusing sight. I’ve always liked those liquid bubble lights.

  • Humanist99

    I want to know what “part(s)” of his wiener were ripped off. Having a hard time picturing ‘parts and pieces’ that could be reattached/worth transporting??

  • Humanist99

    Hmm… Now Sublime is playing in my mind :)

    “so she told me to come over, and I took that trip

    and then she pulled out my mushroom tip,

    and, when it came out, it went drip, drip, drip

    I didn’t know she had the G.I. Joe, kung-foo grip….”

  • Humanist99

    See, now why couldn’t this happen to some Pedophile – Someone like that sicko Jordan Prince, instead?!

  • Melissa Stopka

    My only hope is that this idiot is a RSO and he’ll never be able to use his worthless needle dick again.

  • SillyCynic

    As of today, searching for Maureen Kelly returns 0 new results.

  • lobo

    its ok if they are warts