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Andrew L. BarnettSalem, OR – Andrew Barnett, 32, received an extra five years in prison for a string of evil shenanigans he’s perpetrated from behind bars.

U.S. District Judge Marco A. Hernandez, who sent Barnett back to the Oregon State Penitentiary with the extra time, feels Barnett  “…has significant personality issues that remain unresolved.” Assistant U.S. Attorney John N. Parmley, a prosecutor called in from San Diego after the previous prosecutor fell victim to Barnett’s mischief, said of Barnett “The longer he stays in a controlled environment, the safer society will be.”

So what kind of douche-devilry draws such dire damnation? What manner of malevolence manifests such maligning? Threatening letters, anthrax hoaxes and poop… not necessarily in that order. Oh, and there’s even a torrid love affair with a not-really-hot-white-supremacist-spree-killer in there for you women folk.

Barnett’s streak starts back in 2008. Barnett, already in jail, mailed threatening letters to Washington County Sheriff Rob Gordon and three of his deputies. In August 2011, Barnett was moved to Portland’s Justice Center Jail, where he allegedly hurled a mixture of urine and feces at the face of Multnomah County Sheriff’s Deputy Brett S. Russell. According to Assistant U.S. Attorney Stephen Peifer, Russell actually and unfortunately ingested some of the delightful cocktail, which may or may not have earned him the nickname “Poopy Brett.”

In February of 2012, Barnett mailed a letter laden with racial slurs addressed to both Peifer and Senior U.S. District Judge Ancer L. Haggerty, who is African-American. Two short months later, Barnett mailed another letter to Peifer’s office, this one accompanied by a white powder. “Have you ever stopped and asked yourself: what it would feel like to slowly die from an infectious disease?” the note began.

It went on to describe the various symptoms associated with ‘bacillus anthracis’ which, for you non-biologists, is Latin for “Pretty Much Anthrax.” The letter rambled a bit towards the end, where Barnett added “I only want (three) things in life. 1. I want you gone!!!! 2. To see Pink Floyd live!!! 3. I want to lea(r)n VOODOO.” I have to wonder about just how boring this guy is. If I had to narrow my bucket list down to three things, at least two of them would involve hookers and a blowtorch, while approximately none would involve Pink Floyd.

Lauren Cargill, the receptionist at Peifer’s office who opened the letter, breathed in the powder and was forced to remain inside while the rest of the building was evacuated. “I no longer feel safe,” she said, testifying that she is suffering from PTSD and is even reluctant to open her own mail at home. The FBI found the contents of the letter, as well as a whopping five others sent by Barnett, to be harmless and traced them back to Barnett by way of fingerprints and DNA.

When it came to his defense, Barnett, representing himself, apologized to Lauren Cargill and stated “I am not a menace to society.” Clearly, the judge didn’t agree. This leaves only one question… what band is on your bucket list?

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  • WarriorArtemis

    My bucket list would involve Pink Floyd, Pantera, AV7x and other cool fuckers 😀

  • Evan Oswald

    Hookers and a blowtorch huh? – how about a blowtorch and Andrew Barnett – the taxpayers can thank me later.

  • RedScarab

    Only a Philistine would mock Pink Floyd. A pox upon you.

  • Curlykate910

    Everytime I look at his photo all I can think is “I wonder how much poop is in his beard” :/

  • techsupp0rt

    lol, when I first saw the picture, I strangely thought ‘this guy looks like someone from Portland!’. I didn’t think I’d actually be right.

  • Athena

    Bad Religion is my bucket list band. I even did a stint for Epitaph as a street rep a million years ago (the punk label they created, for those who aren’t aware), and I have never managed to catch them. It’s kind of amazing, actually. In excess of 400 punk shows, and Bad Religion has never been one of them.

  • Wolf_of_Mars

    My Bucket List Band would have to be Disturbed. If they’d play Stricken with an extended guitar solo, I’d die a happy man.
    As for the Deputy, I’d simply call him Bad-Breath Brett… Say that name 5 times quickly.

  • 18th40

    One of the cooler Zoologists around no question.

  • Athena

    No doubt. I’ve loved Bad Religion since Stranger Than Fiction (released when I was in 7th grade); 21st Century (Digital Boy) was my anthem that year because my father is a lazy intellectual and my mom was on Valium. 😛

  • Buffettgirl

    We can just tell the Oregonians from the rest… usually with a touch of shame that these twisted asshats are from here…

  • Buffettgirl

    I’ve never hated anyone enough (possible exception of Step-Dick) to put my hands in urine and fecal matter…

  • slavesher

    “So what kind of douche-devilry draws such dire damnation?”

    I see what you did there.
    Damn thats deliberately descriptive dialogue…

  • We are going to Chicago to see Alkaline trio, bad religion, the decendants, all on my list. We are seeing Alkaline trio and Bayside in Columbus this weekend. Both on my list.

  • 18th40

    Diabolically descriptive, devilishly detailed, decently depicted and decidedly droll. Hey you know what I noticed, we used the letter ‘i’ in just about every word, cool.

  • 18th40

    Sounds kind of….ineffectual.

  • Aussie Sabbath

    Where’s jonathan doe? Shouldn’t he be telling us that this weirdo has some sort of mental deficiency and that we shouldn’t mock him?

  • Tina Matthews

    Liza Minnelli was on my bucket list, but now I’ve been there, done that. No I’m not a 55 year old gay man..

  • JGo555

    So, wtf was the powder then!?

  • JustBrowsingLife

    The original Queen. Never was Queen again once Freddy left us. Now I must go and curl up with my collection and cry.

  • JustBrowsingLife

    New one for my brain storage. Thanks. Knick name for this guy should be U Flew Pu.

  • JustBrowsingLife

    U Flew Pu.

  • JustBrowsingLife

    I tried to say that slow five times and sprained my tongue and my brain.

  • JustBrowsingLife

    Talcum from the walls?

  • Nick Trygg

    Im a California native who got unwillingly transplanted to Oregon, and yes its Weird as fuck up here.

  • Buffettgirl

    For the most part it’s a cool kind of weird, but there are times it’s gets to be too much, like this guy. 🙂