DENMARK, SWEDEN – News Sweden is reporting that a man identified only as Hasse has died after attempting to have sex with a wasp’s nest.
The stinging sexual assault took place Monday on a farm near Ystad, a town of about 18,000, near Denmark, at the southern tip of the country better known for massages and their nonexistent bikini team.
According to investigators, Bertil Stahfraas discovered the 35-year-old victim lying unconscious on his farm. Stahfraas described his horny neighbor as being so bloated, at first he thought he was looking at a whale carcass. When he got closer, though, he was able to recognize Hasse’s neck tattoo. No word on whether Hasse was a Li’l Kim fan.
Hasse—unfortunately for him—was still alive, but died an hour after being found. Following an autopsy, police concluded that Hasse had tried to have intercourse with the wasp’s nest, without removing said wasps. The coronor found 146 stings on his body, including 54 on his genitals.
Insiders say the pathologist believes no man in recorded history ever wished to ejaculate prematurely more than Hasse. Traces of his semen were found on dead wasps inside the nest. Pubic hairs were also collected from the nest’s entrance. Guess Hasse died HIVe-positive.
“To attempt to have intercourse with a hornet’s nest is a very bad idea,” said psychologist Siv Livh, an expert in sexual fantasy. Bet his parents are proud of the money they spent on his college degree…
According to The Province, the incident has reportedly angered animal rights activists, who took to online forums and Facebook to mourn the dead wasps. While I’m not exactly mourning a bunch of dead insects, I will say that given the opportunity, I could have saved Hasse the trouble, and supplied him with the phone number for an ex-girlfriend of mine.