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Cheryl BeauchampPALM BAY, FL – Police say a homeless woman was arrested and has been charged with burglary and criminal mischief after she was found in a Palm Bay homeowner’s pool, using it to take a bath.

According to a police report, officers were called to a home on the 1300 block of Knecht Road after the homeowner said he saw a strange woman enter his back yard. The man said he used his surveillance system to see what the woman was doing when she walked behind his house and promptly dropped a deuce on his lawn.

The sea-nymph, later identified as 35-year-old Cheryl Beauchamp, wasn’t finished. Unable to enter the pool area, she used a rock to cut the screen to gain access, stripped naked, and sans Calgon, hopped in for a little rub-a-dub-dub. No word in the report whether or not she wiped, first.

When police confronted Beauchamp, she told them she wanted to take a bath, and broke the screen because the door was locked. She also told them that she was on her way to Washington, D.C., where she was headed so she could yell at President Obama. Perhaps to lobby for the distribution of homeowners’ keys to strange passers-by.

Cheryl Beauchamp was arrested and taken to the Brevard County Sheriff’s Office, where she was charged with counts of burglary and criminal mischief.

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  • http://www.dreamindemon.com Morbid

    Everyone be sure to give Agony a hearty “fuck you” welcome. We are taking bets on how long he sticks around… I’m guessing a month. :)

  • newstarshipsmell

    Fuck you, Agony!

  • Heather4877

    I thought for sure you had the wrong pic for this story cause surely that’s a dude, but maybe…

  • newstarshipsmell

    Homeless Woman Craps… is definitely a worthy trio of words to begin a first writeup’s headline. It really grabs the attention!

  • driven .

    I guess this Is what the Tea Party means when they boast of being a ” conservative movement”. that ugly old dude in the pic is the “sea nymph”?

  • http://www.facebook.com/ScoobyGurl Annie Kamp

    Burn the hot tub! No worriea about bathing when she’s in lock-up.

    Also, holy batcrap Batman, she’s only 35.

  • newstarshipsmell

    Ha! Another crazy that wants to yell at the President.

    I lived in fear for a couple months during Bush’s 2nd term, after thoughtlessly assisting a customer one day at the internet cafe, and showing him how to email the White House. It wasn’t until after the fact that I realized I’d just shown someone how to contact the White House, from my workplace, during my own shift. Not only that, but a regular customer, who was not only homeless but also batshit insane as well (and had Tourette’s.)

    I was just waiting for the suits to show up.

  • http://twitter.com/vab423 Vicki B.

    That’s not a woman!

  • Twisted1

    Got to say 1. She is the manliest chick I have seen on here in a while. That in and of itself is a accomplishment. 2. I kinda feel bad for her. She is obviously one of the homeless people who are mentally ill. I find it sad that there are so little resources for people like her out there. I hope she is able to get the help she needs. Or at the very least a chance to go on Tyra for a makeover.

  • restlessvagabond

    April Fool’s was yesterday. Nobody’s going to believe you when you say that’s a woman.

  • Athena

    What? Two down votes? That shit was clever (no pun intended). Lower taxes won’t help you buy a sense of humor, you know…

  • Athena

    Fuck you, Agony… and cheers for having the emo-est screen name this site’s ever seen. That right there is an accomplishment. :)

  • Scretch

    In her situation, (homeless and alone), it is probably an asset to look like a male.

  • driven .

    *hugs* athena- seems there are at least 2 disgruntled.teabillies pouting/ *rofl*

  • http://www.facebook.com/EmilyStillmanDukes Emily Stillman-Dukes

    I think the “conservative movement” was the shit she/he took in their yard.

  • Scretch

    Most county jails require you to shower every day.

  • Bop

    Even though she was homeless, like any good houseguest she brought a gift.

    Give this selfless woman a medal.

  • Scretch

    Fuck you, Agony In Black!
    Gee, I guess this woman has never heard of a gas station bathroom (?)

  • Evan Oswald

    fuck you agony – and there’s a misprint. should read “…homeless man was arrested…”

  • lespacino

    Fuck you, Agony!

  • Bop

    Go where? Gross.

    No grass, no leaves, no way I say. Now please be so kind as to keep your gate unlocked. I just had a chili burrito and I need to become one with nature as my forefathers did.

  • NY_Mommy

    Random side note, I love Daryl Dixon!!

  • http://www.dreamindemon.com Morbid

    Check out the dude’s bio. Unreal.

  • Bean

    She looks like she’s dropping a deuce in that pic.

  • http://www.facebook.com/lorraine.nation.3 Lorraine Nation

    that’s a female?

  • newstarshipsmell

    He’s being written out of the show with an offscreen death and won’t be back next season. Sorry.

  • Athena

    Wait, what?!? We have a guy writing for us? Yeah… I’ma havta check that out.

  • Athena

    Three! Three disgruntled teabillies, ah ah ah! ;)

  • TruTruTrue

    Any word if the homeowner was a Democrat? She may just be the next poster child for the Tea party.

  • come_and_see

    Could have been worse, she could have pooped in the pool!

  • http://www.facebook.com/cheshiredreams Andrea Pizzuto

    Who hasn’t laid a log in someone’s yard, then promptly washed off the excrement dripping down your cheeks in their pool? Some people haven’t lived.

  • PaganOne

    Fuck you!

  • Suzy Sears

    Kinda brings to mind Nick Nolte huh

  • Wolf_of_Mars

    Fuck you, Agony & the pit bull you rode in on.

  • EveryVillainIsLemons

    Did she bring any bath salts?

  • rpgmomma8404

    I was wondering the same thing..o.O

  • agonyinblack

    Thanks for the warm & steamy welcome. EMO-est name, eh?
    More of a goth/industrial guy myself, but appreciate that. As for the bio, it’s
    legit, right down to the hard-to-believe-part about writing spank porn.

  • http://www.facebook.com/worthless666 Kasimir Cansdale

    Another example of wildlife adapting to suburban sprawl.

  • newstarshipsmell

    “More of a goth/industrial guy myself” – oh, so you have good taste, as well?

  • JohnQknowitall

    The Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool is about to reopen. Perfect for bathing.

  • kimbev69

    welcome!!! oh and fuck you!

  • Buffettgirl

    Welcome and Fuck You Agony!

  • Buffettgirl

    Wasted a perfectly good Caddyshack moment… I have no respect for her now…

  • Kasie K

    Hey fuuuuck youuuu agony!!!!!

  • agonyinblack

    I’d like to think so. Got The Cruxshadows, Bella Morte and Combichrist to provide songs for The Bunker, and came close to nabbing a classic Ministry tune, tho that didn’t work out. Would like to get Faderhead for the current movie I’m working on, if possible.

  • driven .

    Ahh..Tis a great day when the “Peeparty” bring on the thumbs down pout… hell, Id begin to actually worry if I said something that the TEAJADISTS actually agree with.. *yikes*

  • driven .

    hey- don’t insult feces like that..LOL!!

  • Athena

    The funny part? I’m pretty Libertarian. Unfortunately, while I had the highest hopes for the Tea Party initially, they’ve proven to be little more than a tool for the Republican Party. Which makes me sad. The two-party system is the enemy of fiscal responsibility, liberty, democracy, and everything else the Tea Party claims to advocate.

  • driven .

    I have high hopes the teajadists will implode.. yes the operative word is ” tool”…These crackpots actually make the make the Repukes look sane…They are the worse dregs of society . claiming to want less government – yet they want the gov to control what women do with their bodies etc.. They are basicly the new klan without the sheets .. The vile racist rhetoric coming from these cretins expose their real agenda..

  • Aussie Sabbath

    Fuck you Agony!! Seriously, He-Man’s fallen on hard times. Bathing in pools, taking dumps on lawns. The economy’s not been the same since the 80s. They just don’t make cartoons like they used to.

  • Doubleutf

    Please tell me you are not a grown ass man runing around dressed like Marilyn Manson…
    BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

  • agonyinblack

    The benefit of being blind is not having to see what MM is wearing these days, but this is yours truly from a photo shoot done for the Gasparilla Int’l Film Festival: http://www.joemonks.com

  • Doubleutf

    Listen confucius, i’ve never fucking heard of you, and since I stopped reading comic books when I was twelve I don’t give a rats ass who you are. You seem to blow your own horn pretty loud, so i’m thinking you have had a lot of practice “blowing”. Oh, and FUCK YOU!
    BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

  • agonyinblack

    I am left chuckling indeed. :D

  • Doubleutf

    You must have finally found your dick…
    BUWAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

  • agonyinblack

    Nah, I’m quick enough typing with ten digits. An 11th would just get in the way.

  • Doubleutf

    You ain’t jack nor shit fool!

  • agonyinblack

    Ahh, okay, glad we’ve got that straightened out. Nice Mr. T impersonation, BTW. Very retro. Betcha can’t wait for the DC Cab remake.

  • Doubleutf

    The Mathematical Proof for Mr. T’s Infinite Pity: For life to exist there must be a symmetric equation regarding the factors of pity(p) and fools(f) -> p-f=0. If any one factor rose to a level higher than the other, life as we know it would cease to exist. The fool factor can be decisively measured by dividing jibba-jabba(j) by tolerance for said jibba-jabba(t) -> f=j/t. With these two equations we can deduce: p-f=0; f=j/t ->p-(j/t) = 0 -> p = j/t. This equation leads to quite an interesting result. As we can see, if we hold jibba-jabba constant, as tolerance for said jibba-jabba approaches 0, pity approaches infinity. Now we all well know that Mr. T “ain’t got no time for the jibba-jabba.” In fact, extensive observational studies have been conducted and even with machines able to calculate with precision to the 23rd decimal place, Mr. T’s tolerance for jibba-jabba has been conclusively found to be 0, and therefore Mr. T’s pity is the literal embodiment of the concept of infinity.

  • Doubleutf

    Mr. T and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

  • Doubleutf

    Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
    Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their hall of stone,
    Nine for the Mortal Men doomed to die,
    One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne,
    Twenty rings to make Mr. T look cool,
    Upon them inscribed, “I pity the fool.”

  • Doubleutf

    Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

  • Doubleutf

    Show Mr. T a ship of fools, and he will show you a torpedo full of pity.

  • Doubleutf

    Mr. T does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction

  • Doubleutf

    Mr. T hates playing ‘Rock Paper Scissors’ because he doesn’t believe anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone throws paper, he says,”I win.” If someone is foolish enough to dispute this, he takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says, “I thought your paper would protect you.”

  • Doubleutf

    Mr. T is one part gold, two parts muscle, one part anger, and no parts jibba jabba.

  • Doubleutf

    Mr. T can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

  • Doubleutf

    Once, Mr. T joined forces with Chuck Norris to fight crime. All criminals in the known universe were instantly vaporized by the sheer awsomeness of their Mohawk/Mullet combination. Afterwards, Mr. T created Vin Diesel using a welder and a 55 gallon drum, but left him bald so that he could not challenge their hairdo supremecy.

  • Doubleutf

    Mr. T once murdered a man with his balls that why it is known as T-bagging

  • Doubleutf

    What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals Mr. T has found too chewy to eat.

  • Doubleutf

    One of my favorites:

    Mr. T has a swimming pool in his garden made to the exact measurements of his body. He pities the fool who doesn’t fitty the pool.

    BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

  • Doubleutf

    Mr. T claims that the “T” stands for pain.

  • Doubleutf

    Remember when Mr. T wasn’t so popular and awesome? Me neither.

  • Doubleutf

    Mr. T invented the I.Q. testing system so he could more accurately pity fools.

  • Doubleutf

    The General Mills cereal company fired Mr. T from his job of coming up with new cereal ideas. Unfortunately for us all, they would not allow Mr. T to create a cereal that was made with chunks of raw meat and gold.

  • Doubleutf

    5 out of 5 doctors recommend not pissing off Mr. T.

  • Doubleutf

    23. That’s the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

  • Doubleutf

    Mr. T does not know you personally, but the odds are 7 in 10 that he pities you.

  • Doubleutf

    Mr. T’s autobiography, “So Many Fools, Not Enough Pity,” was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for its heartwarming and inspiring tales of Mr. T overcoming his fear of flying, and his battle with gold-addiction–as well the sweet tutorial on how to install machine-gun turrets on top of a GMC van using a welding torch, a 55-gallon drum, chicken wire, and skim milk.

  • Doubleutf

    Another classic:

    Mr. T was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us fools, who have to fight for it.

    BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

  • Doubleutf

    Awesome:

    In the unlikely event that Mr. T ever pitied himself, the universe would immediately reboot to 1982.

  • Doubleutf

    Ever have one of those nights when you’d wake up panting and sweating? That was Mr.T, and you my friend, have just been pitied.

  • hookerpie

    Too frickin funny!!!

  • Doubleutf

    Mr. T once punched a double decker bus so hard that it crapped out a Mini Cooper.

  • Doubleutf

    What’s been going on sexy hotness? When are you going to come to Florida and see me?

  • Doubleutf

    I once wiped my ass with Agony in blacks dead mothers face…

  • Doubleutf

    I have a few Chuck Norris facts if your interested.

  • Doubleutf

    Speaking of M&M’s whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to
    continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To
    this end, I hold M&M duels.

    Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure,
    squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That
    is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner
    gets to go another round.

    I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are
    tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have
    hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the
    intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food
    world.

    Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or
    pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to
    be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra
    strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its
    environment.

    When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the
    strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as
    well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A
    Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a
    3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.”

    This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a
    free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this “grant money.”
    I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of
    hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

    There can be only one.
    BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA*inhales*HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

  • agonyinblack

    No, really? Norris, too? That comes as a surprise.

  • Doubleutf

    Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.

  • Doubleutf

    Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

  • Doubleutf

    Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square.

  • Doubleutf

    Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

  • Doubleutf

    Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

  • Doubleutf

    Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

  • Doubleutf

    Chuck Norris can speak braille.

  • Doubleutf

    Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris’ sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

  • Doubleutf

    Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

  • Doubleutf

    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

  • Doubleutf

    Chuck Norris puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”.

  • Doubleutf

    Fire escapes were invented to protect fire from Chuck Norris.

  • Doubleutf

    Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

  • Doubleutf

    Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

  • Doubleutf

    Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

  • Doubleutf

    Chuck Norris was once the F.B.I’s chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, “This is Chuck Norris.”

  • Doubleutf

    When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

  • Doubleutf

    One of my favorites:

    Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

    BUWAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

  • Doubleutf

    Let me know if you need some more…

  • Doubleutf

    I have some interesting Vin Diesel facts as well if you are interested…
    BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

  • Doubleutf

    There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the
    plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!”

    The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

    When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a
    bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between
    his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!”

    The
    bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”

    After a
    couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was
    located.

    The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.”

    The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally
    tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door,
    which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

    Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t
    flush!”

  • Doubleutf

    A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school’s soccer team to an “away
    game”. They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with
    a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a
    nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play
    soccer.

    “We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the
    kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it’s doing by listening for
    it. They’re pretty good at it too.”

    “Very clever!” remarks
    the other patron.

    Just then they are interrupted as another
    patron, who is looking out the window, says, “Hey! Are you the guy with those
    darn blind kids from the bus?”

    “Yes,” says the teacher,
    stung by the way “his” kids are being refered to, “what about it? You got
    something against blind kids?”

    “Nothing, ordinarily,” says
    the guy, still scowling out the window, “but you better get them rounded up
    quick! They’re kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!”

  • Doubleutf

    A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog.

    All
    of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.

    The manager runs up to the man and asks, “What are you
    doing?!!”

    The blind man replies, “Just looking around.”

    BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

  • Doubleutf

    blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this
    was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the
    door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my
    release ring for me and out I go with the dog.”

    “But how do
    you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.

    “I have
    a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300
    feet from the ground” he answered.

    “But how do you know
    when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.

    He quickly answered: “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”

  • agonyinblack

    You’ll be the first person I ask.

  • Doubleutf

    Just let me know. I’ll “see” what I can do…
    BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

  • JGo555

    Fuck you, Agony In Black!

  • hookerpie

    Florida, to sit on a beach with a handsome man. I would love it!!!!

  • Buffettgirl

    You do realize that you’ve insulted a lot of people with polital statements that have nothing to do with a homeless woman shitting in someone’s yard and then using the pool to refresh herself? There are plenty of Republican/Tea Party folks that think along quite a few of the same lines that you do. When you lump everyone together and label them all as “evil cretins” you kind of lose IQ points. I don’t think that just because you have liberal tendencies that you are Michael Moore-esque with his as equally off the wall theories as those of the GOP/Tea Party that seem to offend you. I am not a member of the Tea Party, and I’m registered as a Democrat. But this is off base, off topic and it offends me a bit. I’m not trying to be a bitch, I just thought that you might want to know that this offended someone that is supposedly on the same side of the fence as you…

  • shewentwhoa

    Keep it classy PalmBay. I hate to say that I’m from this area. lol