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Lawrence UrbanCascade Township, MI – Massage therapist, 49-year-old Lawrence Urban, was arrested on charges of fourth-degree criminal sexual conduct after a female customer reported that he touched her inappropriately during a massage.

The victim says she received a massage from Urban (*gag*) on March 15th at the Therapeutic Stress Free Massage Center that will probably leave her compulsively showering for the rest of her life after she claims Urban touched her genital area (*dry retch*) and asked her “if she wanted to orgasm.” Oh God, here it comes… (*baaarf*)

After the victim said, “no,” Urban allegedly told her, “your body is telling me one thing, but you are telling me another.” Urban admitted to police he’d touched the woman’s genital area without her consent while she was laying face-down on the massaging table. He explained that he was given every indication through the woman’s body language, and the way her muscles felt, that she wanted to be pleased sexually.

Urban is currently free on bond while awaiting arraignment.  He is being charged as a second-time felony offender due to a 1981 conviction for delivering marijuana to Texas.  Police are asking for any other victims to please contact them.  Fellas, until vaginas learn to speak for themselves, you really ought to just take the woman’s word for it.

His website now says he “is not currently accepting appointments. All current appointments are cancelled until further notice.”  Too bad, I really think a massage would help Morbid unwind.  [Good thing I still have my weekly prostate exam – Morbid]

Imagine this; you’re on the table in your skivvies (or less) about to get a massage, when THIS creep comes in and says, “Hi, I’m Laaaary.  I’ll be your massage therapist today.”  Holy shit.  What do you do?  Really, tell me, what would you do?  Do you say, “Wow, you look horrifying.  I’m going to leave now?”  I know you’re not supposed to judge people by their looks, but come on.  You can tell that he’s going to molest you.  You can just tell.

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  • lespacino

    I like that despite the fact that this guy is missing hair on only half of his head- for whatever reason- he’s taking the bold stance of keeping the rest of it. I mean, why shave your head and look like a semi-normal human being? I think his defense should go as follows, “Your Honor, clearly my client is insane…I mean, look at how he chooses to wear his hair. Also, I would like to offer that his appearance alone serves as reasonable warning to any human who chooses to have contact with my client that he will probably sexually assault them, so we are arguing that their presence is equal to consent. I rest my case.”

  • Hahahahaha

  • driven .

    Judging from the distinctive coif, id say this poor bastard LOST the bet on if he could get away with petting the kitty

  • Evan Oswald

    oh my gawd – well at least he didn’t chop her into pieces. however, if he murdered his barber I would understand.

  • Heather_Habilatory


  • why would you even get a massage from him? WHY?

  • Amelia

    Is it just me or is he bald on one half of his head?

  • CT

    It’s nice to see that someone is carrying on my shallowness when I can’t be around.

  • Who on earth would let him near them? I mean, if I saw him on the same sidewalk I would probably shove my hand inside my bag and wrap my hand around my weapon. He just looks bad. My Grandfather always said you got the face you deserved, somehow I doubt this is the first time he has touched someone. Yikes.

  • JohnQknowitall

    So much for a happy ending.

  • tkaz

    Is it bad I want my massage therapist to be at least mildly attractive?

  • OH GROSS!!! WHO HIRED THIS CREEPAZOID for a SPA?? no, not just the hair, he looks kind of meth-ed out too.

  • not only the hair, but I think one ear is about a half inch lower than the other.

  • Wolf_of_Mars

    I didn’t know that Wal-Mart had a Spa, too.

  • LoKi4778

    Worst. Comb Over. Ever.

  • I think it is a burn?

  • lespacino

    Ha, the hair masked that a bit…maybe that’s why he keeps it!

  • lespacino

    I know it makes me a terrible person, but I only use medical personnel who are attractive. If you’re gonna be poking and prodding me, I want to have something nice to look at while you’re doing it!

  • Evan Oswald

    lmao at “you got the face you deserved”

  • Heather_Habilatory

    Are you sure it’s not an optical illusion?

  • Heather_Habilatory

    Well, fuck.

  • Heather_Habilatory

    Ok., now that I’m done peeing myself in horror, I think I can put a couple coherent thoughts together now.

    Pretend you own a spa. You’re hiring for a licensed massage therapist. You have interviews. You meet people who are licensed and you choose the person you think is best for the job.


  • driven .

    yet still more attractive and better coiffed than donald trump

  • Suzy Sears

    Ok I had to scroll back up to see for myself(gee thanks!!) but dear God your right gggaaaakkkk ! Who the hell would hire this guy to touch people’s bodies!?

  • Twisted1

    Least Likely to have a client ask for a happy ending.

  • Scretch

    “not currently accepting appointments”…awwww daaaaaaamn.

  • newstarshipsmell

    Fucking is not what comes to mind when I look at that face…

  • G.I.R.L.

    His look wasn’t a warning sign? Some times it’s not a bad idea to judge a book by it’s cover alone. You know you’d do the same if some snobby socialite was on the cover, this is no different.

  • I am a bbw and after I eat a full meal or drink a lot of fluids, I just threw up in my mouth, just a little. I felt coming up in the back of my throat?!?

  • come_and_see

    Who doesn’t like a nice rub down at the massage?

  • CT

    “Fellas, until vaginas learn to speak for themselves, you really ought to just take the woman’s word for it.”
    I saw a video once of a talking vagina so we are closer than one might think. One vagina at a time.

  • val87

    um yeah…if i saw this dude coming in to the room to massage me, you better believe i would say i have to use the restroom or something and run for my life….ew im sorry im not saying all ugly people are pervs.. but i just wouldnt want a person that hideous touching my skin

  • cedric

    This is some funny shit …. lol … so let me see if I have the facts straight … this lady went to a place called Therapeutic Stress Free Massage Center and when Dr.Frankenstein came out she needed that massage so bad that she stayed and ignored all the warning bells that had to have sounded inside her head at the very sight of this handsome gentleman …the ladies stress was at such a great level that in spite of the idea that he was going to molest her soon as he could move her cock blocking towel out of the way she remained on that table and waited patiently for the therapist to prove her wrong, and put her mind and stress at ease. HA !!!

  • cedric

    You are pretty shallow at times CT,but it’s expected the we beautiful people behave that way from time to time … and it would be wrong to let the ugly people down by not stepping up to the plate … you would be awful selfish if you disappointed them by not playing your role and possibly caused them great stress – forcing them into having to be groped by someone like Lawrence … and no,I’m not attempting to insult the victim here,but after reading the story I was truthfully left with a strong feeling that she was not a member of our group.

  • techsupp0rt

    What the hell kind of baldness pattern is that?!

  • CT

    We must carry on, Ced, it is our civic duty.

  • Buffettgirl

    I don’t know what ya’ll are talkin’ about – this guy is pure sex on a stick… OK, so it’s the ugly stick…

  • kimbev69

    the hair … i can’t quite get past the hair!

  • kimbev69

    ohmygoodddd!! i woulda missed that … i think he got hit with something on that side of his head that’s why it’s smooshed

  • Buffettgirl

    Bozo the Clown Pattern Baldness?

  • Dragonsmuse

    At least 10 people have beaten me to it…and I’m not surprised in the least…but SERIOUSLY? If your hair loss is that significant WHY haven’t you started shaving your head? I can get over the freaky ears but the hair is too much.

    I also assume he runs his own massage therapy place since he has a website.


  • EveryVillainIsLemons

    Dude looks like the kind of person who runs a massage parlor out of the back of a panel van.

  • he was just trying to give her a happy ending.

  • probably people who look like him

  • hookerpie

    Who the fuck in their right mind would let this thing touch them, and pay for it? Doesn’t she know that they have them really awesome massage chairs at the mall.

  • That guy is fucking insane looking. I wouldn’t pay a cent to be massaged by that alien life form. In fact, who in their right mind shells out currency to have that freaky fucking fool flopping flesh upon their bodies? Come on now. This is a joke right? Nobody would pay that guy and nobody would hire that guy. Especially with that fucking flipped out corpse like hair-do.

  • cedric

    Agreed …probably w-a-y less arrogant as well.

  • LeaveMeBe

    Looks like she did exactly as I would have done. After saying no and him persisting, I would have snatched him bald-headed, too. Skeevy fucker.

  • LeaveMeBe

    I dunno why, but this got me to giggling and I can’t seem to stop. Thanks for that. 🙂

  • LeaveMeBe

    Perv pattern baldness.

  • JGo555


  • Chixdigme

    Man, if that freak of nature tried to touch me I would kick his ass so hard he would be wearing his asshole for a headband.

  • Wildheart

    Fucking running as far as I can maybe….

  • I was going to make a very similar comment. WTF is this guy thinking. If he was 20 years younger I’d think it a fashion move. Who am I to talk tho, I get laughed at cause I have long hair all down my back and it covers least half my face. But if I go bald I hope I have mind just to shave it!

  • LMFAO didn’t catch that.