Home > Crime > Man, 67, Busted For Sucking On Dildo While Driving

Man, 67, Busted For Sucking On Dildo While Driving

February 19, 2013 at 8:38 am by Jaded

Trenton, MI — Well, hell, there isn’t a lot of information to this one, and no video that we know of, but you just know I couldn’t let this one go…..

According to a police report obtained by those beautiful people over at The Smoking Gun, a 67-year-old man was arrested last week after witnesses reported seeing him sucking on a dildo at a local park.

The responding officer, Sergeant Steve Allen, wrote in his report that upon his arrival at the scene, he was flagged down by an unidentified witness who pointed to a silver car in the parking lot and claimed that he/she had witnessed the driver of the vehicle sucking on a dildo as he drove past.

When Officer Allen approached the vehicle, he noticed what appeared to be a flesh-colored dildo on the passenger seat. He then asked the unidentified oldster, the only occupant in the vehicle, what, exactly, he was doing. The oldster apparently replied, “SUCKING ON A DILDO, I’M SORRY!”

No, my caps lock isn’t busted…. Officer Allen had the above written in all caps, as well. I did imagine a hearing impaired old man yelling that shit at the top of his lungs, though, and I giggled.

The suspected dildo sucker then reportedly admitted to Officer Allen that he has a problem with sex toys. He failed, though, to specify what kind of problem, dammit. I’m sure you Demonites will be able to come up with something satisfactory…

The man was arrested on a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct on transported to jail. The dildo was bagged and tagged.

Tags: dildo, disorderly conduct, Michigan, Trenton

67 Comments

Comments

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CT

How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? A One… A two-HOO… A tha-three..). Though the real thing has a completely different outcome at the end, doesn’t it?
LeaveMeBe

Exactly what kind of problems can one have with sex toys? I mean, they don’t get headaches and tell you no or break up with you because you’re abusive to them.
nena454

I too giggled more at the thought of you giggling there while you wrote this story.. I just can’t understand why he had to go to the park to suck on a dildo why must it be done in public there are something that should be kept indoors..
Chinchillazilla

It’s dildo rehab for you, buddy.
http://www.facebook.com/james.mil.37 James Miltenberger

Lmao I can only imagine the cops faces when they saw that. Where the fuck do you guys find these stories?? I get entertained every day from this shit lol
http://www.facebook.com/james.mil.37 James Miltenberger

Lmao
EveryVillainIsLemons

Maybe he should have stuck to using a pacifier in public, if he had to suck on something.
LeaveMeBe

“Where the fuck do you guys find these stories??”
Ancient Chinese secret.
Kasie K

outcome. I see what ya did there!
Kasie K

I didn’t think they made pacifers that big. I think this goof was practicing…..
JGo555

Thanks for reminding me of a new purchase I need to make.
JGo555

Nope, they actually sell dick shaped lollipops. However if he has diabeetus, he is screwed.
Gee

Oh My… My sweet Jaded lives for these stories. Bhwahahhaahaha Visuals are too much for me LMAO
Gee

Wait I was so busy laughing. Whats the punishment for sucking a dildo in public?
http://www.facebook.com/james.mil.37 James Miltenberger

Hey as long as people are doing ridiculous shit daily lol
Heather_Habilatory

What, exactly, is the crime here? Do you need a permit for this kind of a thing? A conceal and carry?
JohnQknowitall

Isn’t there something legal you can suck on in public and pretend it is a pretend penis?
JohnQknowitall

Dog toys?
newstarshipsmell

Limousine tinting?
Zazen

Lucky for us, the world is jam-packed with eejits.
slavesher

Dear Grandpa,
Next time put it in your ass like a “normal” perv, drive around with a big “Im a friendly old man” smile, and avoid the park. Try to blend in more. Stick to Wal-mart parking lot .
slavesher

Maybe if he carved one out of a carrot he could have just bit off the head and denied the whole thing.
tkaz

First, there ARE penis straws. They exist.
Second, there IS a Dildo Maker in which you can make a carrot into a dildo. This exists.
tkaz

Penis straws!!!!
Buffettgirl

Aren’t you SUPPOSED to abuse them?
tkaz

I needed to go to WalMart today….now I think I’ll skip it.
tkaz

You get your toy taken away & you have to go to jail. It’s the law!
Buffettgirl

So – any chance he mistook the dildo for his ashtma inhaler? I mean when you can’t breath you do tend to suck that rescue inhaler pretty hard…
Sam

Third, I must see your garden.
Sam

If only he’d have done a more thorough job of it. That witness would never have been able to see what was going on if the damn dildo was way down the old dude’s throat.
VXIII

Maybe his dentures were hurting so he was massaging his gums???
tkaz

Oh…mine isn’t impressive at all. Sadly.
But the advertisement says you can use a carrot, a hotdog (hehe.), or even a splinter-ridden stick!
Andyman

HAHAHA! Every time I hear DIA-BEATUS I think of our boy Wilford Brimley. What I was unaware of is that there is a DIA-BEATUS remix song starring him. LMAO.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILIvPzyK_8I
http://www.facebook.com/people/Merl-Allen/695715159 Merl Allen

That’s sick and twisted but what law did he break?
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=736546181 Michael Heldman

He’s a retired dentist and this is for those hard to reach places.
Wolf_of_Mars

Two words: Sugar free.
Wolf_of_Mars

Like what, his tonsils?
LeaveMeBe

I always thought so but what do I know? *shrugs*
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=736546181 Michael Heldman

Lungs, if he is doing it right.
https://twitter.com/#!/AngelsMom0806 Angels Mom

Why not just have someone else drive and suck them off and still get from point a to point b?
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=736546181 Michael Heldman

Hey Jaded, how did you get your dog to sit still for the pic above?
Wildheart

It’s a little creepy how he says “I know who has DIA-BEATUS”….like he’s the freaking Santa Claus of DIA-BEATUS…..he’s got a list and he’s checking it twice….
Buffettgirl

Crap! Do I have to feel guilty for abusing the toys now?
Andyman

One news aggregator is http://www.fark.com – I read that on the slow DD news days. Sometimes the articles come from there too as Morbid has mentioned in the past (how I found out about fark)
Twisted1

Quick call his defense attorney. I bet he would get off with that one.
LeaveMeBe

Get off? Tee-hee!
bethied

They don’t clean house or pay bills, lazy things.
http://www.dreamindemon.com Jaded

He’s old… he probably mistook it for his phone. That would explain the yelling, too.
http://www.dreamindemon.com Jaded

Bacon.
Jessica Stewart

Yeah, but if he looked like he was choking people might try to give him the Heimlich, and that would just be embarrassing…….lol
Jessica Stewart

Both kielbasas and those long clown animal balloons are way easier to explain than a dildo sitting in your car…….just sayin’ lol
Jessica Stewart

That dog looks ashamed of what it’s willing to do for bacon LMAO!
midniteshadows

Oh my gosh. You guys are hysterical! All of you. Some of most funniest stuff I’ve read all week. Can’t stop laughing.
http://www.facebook.com/ntrygg1 Nick Trygg

Brilliant!
G.I.R.L.

I need to buy a dildo one day. Why is there a dildo in that dog’s mouth?
G.I.R.L.

Whoah, I’m allergic to carrots.
G.I.R.L.

I once swallowed a corndog whole by accident. And, yes, before you ask, it was hot.
JohnQknowitall

So did this famous politician… probably the least flattering photo ever taken…
G.I.R.L.

“A black Dragon.”
JohnQknowitall

Why the down votes? Do people actually think she is competant even though she does not know the difference between the Constitution, Declaration of Independence and the Gettysburg Address? She quotes them often. She also claimed tht a child became “retarded” after taking an HPV vaccine.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=736546181 Michael Heldman

Should have known.
Buffettgirl

Bye George! I think you’ve got it!
G.I.R.L.

Whoah… I’m asking the same thing.
http://www.dreamindemon.com Jaded

Can’t believe you even had to ask, Michael.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1616336316 Mary Mahi Mahi

I guess when the police can’t find the charge for sucking on a dildo in public at a local park it’s always the disorderly conduct charge they make for the arrest. How do the police figure it’s disorderly isn’t that what a dildo is for sexual purposes? More like sexual indecency charge instead even if it’s oral sex with a dildo. Since the dildo was bagged & tagged does he get his favorite sex toy back? I think this bogus charge should be dismissed if the officer didn’t catch the lollipop licking old geezer in the act. Sitting next to the old man in the passenger seat isn’t enough maybe he was just lonely.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001305001666 How Bob

he needed a bite to eat,huh?
hookerpie

Bad Dog!!!!