Here, Now – Happy Valentine’s Day to all the couples out there. I mean that sincerely. Whether you’re planning to use this day to break up the monotony of the relationship you are currently dying in, or giving your currentpotential partner some overpriced crap because you obviously don’t love them if you didn’t — I am pulling for you all.
Not because I care about your love-life as I feel love is for suckers. You either end up hurt or hurting someone, or end up on this site after your significant other stabs you in the neck while you’re sleeping. Hell, in a best case scenario, you’ll find someone you are compatible with and love with all your heart. You’ll share a life together full of friends, family and good memories. Then you’ll watch them die.
I sound bitter, you say? Maybe. But here, let me share a story regarding myself and the first Valentine’s Day I can remember. I was in 3rd grade when the teacher was handing out those stupid Valentine’s Day cards kids used to be forced to buy and hand out in class. My heart began beating uncontrollably as the teacher called out my name. “Well lookie here everyone, Morbid has a special Valentine’s Day card from Debbie Mullis, the prettiest girl in the class!”
I was floating through the rows of desks towards the teacher who was holding out a card from Debbie Mullis, the prettiest girl in class who I had a crush on, with the words “Be Mine” clearly on the front. My face was flushed and I was grinning like a fucking idiot when I reached out to take the card from the teacher’s hand when she says, “Oh, I’m sorry Morbid. I called the wrong name, this Valentine is not for you. Go back and sit down.” Which I did, surrounded by the snickering of my classmates. That walk of shame was a long one, my friend.
So fuck you Valentine’s Day, and the martyred saints you rode in on. Ahem… anyway, while I prepare for a night alone with my drugs and my trusted Fifi, take a look at 15 couples who, since last Valentine’s Day, gave love a shot but ended up featured on our front page instead.
In no particular order:
Rockland, ME — A 62-year-old man was recently sentenced to five days in jail following an incident earlier this year in which he reportedly bitch slapped his estranged wife in the face with his dick after she refused to have sex with him. rawr. The victim in the case was apparently staying at the home of her estranged husband, Fred Thomas, this past July when he offered to pay her twenty whole dollars to have sex with him. When she refused his generous offer, he whipped out his member and smacked her upside the head with it.
TOLLESON, AZ – Police have charged 48-year-old Edgardo Luis Claudio-Marrero with murder after they say he beat his estranged wife to death with a toilet tank lid. He admitted that he punched her, pushed her down some stairs and inside a bathroom. That’s when he grabbed a toilet tank lid and beat his wife with it until it broke. He later dragged her dead body to the upstairs bathroom where she was found by police. Claudio-Marrero’s was arrested and charged with second-degree murder.
MESA, AZ – Noelle Clough, 23, called police on Monday saying that her husband was cut in the back and needed stitches. According to the police report, while she was on the phone she said her husband was choking her so she stabbed him. Turns out the couple had gotten into an argument over a Cosmos quiz that got Noelle so enraged, she stabbed her husband with a 4-inch blade paring knife. She was arrested and charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.
BISMARCK, N.D. – Police have arrested a man after they say he used a cattle prod on his ex-girlfriend during an argument. According to the criminal complaint, 37-year-old Christopher Martin went to the home of his ex-girlfriend and accused her of stealing $500 from him the night before. The ensuing argument resulted in Martin producing a 5-foot-long cattle prod that he used to shock his ex. Martin was arrested and charged with felony aggravated assault-domestic violence
Muncie, IN – Police were called to the home of a 57-year-old man who reported his drunken ex-girlfriend, 43-year-old Christina Reber, had entered his home uninvited and latched on to his low-hanging fruit and began “squeezing as hard as she could” while digging in with her fingernails. Responding police describe seeing the man with blood on his shirt, and observe “a long wide tear on his scrotum,” which had been “completely torn loose from his body.” Reber was arrested and charged with aggravated battery and illegally entering the man’s home.
PALM BAY, Fl – Police say 37-year-old Andy Gatz got into an argument with his wife on Monday after she attended an Earth Day concert, and attacked her with a box of Cheez-It snack crackers. During this argument, Gatz allegedly threw a box of Cheez-Its at her face, injuring her eye. “A small square cracker apparently went into her right eye and caused her injury,” said a police spokesperson. Gatz was arrested and charged with battery and violation of an injunction.
Michael Jones, 42, was arrested last week on domestic battery and animal cruelty charges after police say he beat his live-in girlfriend with her own dog. According to reports, Jones became angry when his live-in girlfriend and her daughter arrived home and one of them had tried to smoked crack cocaine. Jones began swinging his girlfriend’s dog in the air, striking her with the animal several times. After beating her with her dog, she says Jones choked her before riding away on a bicycle while carrying the dog. Jones was charged him with domestic battery by strangulation, criminal mischief and animal cruelty.
Las Vegas, NV – Police in Nevada are looking for a man accused of biting off the lip of his pregnant girlfriend — something he was arrested for doing to his wife a few years ago. Back in 2008, 27-year-old Roberto Flores bit the lip off his then wife “exposing her teeth and gums.” Flores was sentenced to a maximum of 5 years in prison. In January of this year he bit off the lip of his pregnant girlfriend. “He bit my nose, my bottom lip, and last he bit off my upper lip. I know he probably ate it. We never found it,” said Victoria Silva.
Elyria, OH – Ameryst Blaylock, 26, was charged with felonious assault and domestic violence after police say she bit off a portion of her husband’s lip during an argument. According to court documents, Ameryst allegedly socked her hubby in the face before declaring that if he didn’t want her anymore, she’d make damn sure no one would ever want him again. With that, she pounced on him, bit off the right side of his lower lip and spit it out.
Fremont, CA – Police say 31-year old Daniel Howard zip-tied his girlfriend’s hands behind her back,then strung a noose over a branch of a backyard tree. When he walked inside to get a cigarette, the woman called 911. When police arrived on the scene, they found the woman standing on a barrel with the noose around her neck. Howard allegedly pushed her off the barrel and ran away. The officers were able to catch the woman before she was seriously injured and Howard was booked into jail on a suspicion of attempted murder charge.
TOLLESON, AZ – Police have arrested 50-year-old Donna Lange after they say she smothered her boyfriend to death with her breasts. Lange and her 51-year-old boyfriend were drinking with friends in their mobile home when the couple began arguing. During one of these arguments, Lange was seen throwing her boyfriend to the ground and was later found on top of her unresponsive boyfriend with her breasts covering his face. Her boyfriend would suffocate to death, and police would recommend Lange be charged with murder.
Myrtle Beach, SC – Police in South Carolina say they have arrested 42-year-old Tina Berryhill Rucker for choking an alleged blanket hog. According to the victim, Rucker got all choky after he attempted to employ the “tuck and roll” maneuver so popular with blanket hogs. He said Rucker ”jumped on top of him and began to choke him.” Police say he was also sporting a few bloody scratches from Rucker’s fingernails. Rucker, who police say was intoxicated and uncooperative at the time of her arrest, was booked into jail and charged with criminal domestic violence.
GILBERT, AZ - According to police, 28-year-old Holly Solomon got into an argument with her husband regarding Barack Obama winning a second term. Holly feels that Obama is the blame for her family’s ills, and is now looking at four more years of struggling. Witnesses say Holly chased her husband around with a Jeep, eventually running him over and pinning him to a curb. Her husband was taken to the hospital in critical condition, while Holly was taken to jail for domestic violence charges of aggravated assault.
WEST GOSHEN, PA - Lirim Rufati, a 24-year-old West Goshen man, is facing kidnapping and rape charges after he allegedly abused and raped his 22-year-old Macedonian wife for about a year. When she tried to get help, tried to deport her back to her home country by forcing her on a plane. Port Authority located the victim at the airport as she was traveling through customs and Rufati was arrested and charged with kidnapping to inflict injury or terror, false imprisonment, rape, deviate sexual intercourse and aggravated assault.
ORANGE CITY, FL – Richard Watson and his wife, Debra, settled in with two frozen pizzas and began watching the 12-12-12 charity event on television. Richard became so enraged over his pizza being under cooked that he tackled Debra to the ground and held her head in a dog’s water bowl that contained three inches of water. After using his hands or knee to hold her head in place, she managed to break free but Richard began strangling her in the living room. Richard was arrested and charged with attempted murder and battery.
Crime, Domestic Violence, holiday, Valentine's Day