Good day, sickos. I want to thank all of you for your calls and emails inquiring about my well-being and offering sex at various public parks. But fear not, I am just on a much-deserved, much-needed vacation. Although I am off this week, I will be writing up some stuff off and on while finally being able to focus on some DD house cleaning. I'll also have time to respond to some of you interested in writing. In the meantime, be sure to check out the forums for the latest in terrible news.

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Diamond LydiaDallas, TX — A family argument over a Big Peach soda apparently got so heated last week, one family member retaliated by throwing chicken. No word on whether it was fried, baked or broiled.

Diamond Lydia, 18, is facing charges after reportedly assaulting a female in the residence with a box of chicken, a pillow and his fists.

According to police, soon after the argument over the soda began, the 24-year-old victim went to her room. Diamond apparently followed and threw the box of chicken at her.

One witness told police Diamond started hitting the woman on the head with a pillow, and then climbed on top of her and started in with the punching. At that point, the victim grabbed a glass jar from her dresser and hit him on the head.

The witness apparently tried to break up the fight, and told Diamond to go downstairs. But as Diamond left the room, the witness said, he grabbed a tire iron and yelled, “I’m going to kill you!”

Diamond attempted to hit the woman with the tire iron, but the witness was able to step in and keep her from getting injured.

Diamond has been charged with aggravated assault.

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  • LeaveMeBe

    I thought Diamonds were brilliant.

  • Sam

    What the… pubic hair earrings???

  • AlwaysInFlyoverCountry

    I had this mental image of a Rhode Island Red squawking and flapping as he swung it.

    –Al

  • http://twitter.com/JazCooks Jaz Cooks

    I don’t even think he is cubic zirconium. Probably coal.

  • Eliza Berntsen

    His name is Diamond Lydia. Everything that he does should be immediately paroled with a name like that.

  • MuMuGuy

    Please tell me that Diamond is the guy’s nickname and not his real name.

  • CT

    I was truly hoping it was a live chicken – that would have made this story so much better. If it had been let’s say an Orange Crush or a Grape Nehi – I made have been able to back up precious, but peach. Can’t do it.

  • sweekymom

    Shit, I’m not risking jail for anything less than a Cheerwine.

  • HazelHoppinflapper

    I’m like this with my Diet Pepsi, so I can totally relate. He sounds like a keeper to me.

  • JohnQknowitall

    Naming your kid something valuable doesn’t… well it doesn’t work.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Rochell-Arnold/100000587657456 Rochell Arnold

    Apparently taking the last big peach soda (never heard of it….) is grounds for ass kickin’

  • OutOfBubbleGum

    Perhaps, he can get the his trial moved to Somalia. Half of the evidence against him, will be eaten, no I meant, missing before trial. He’s innocent, I tell you. Besides, everyone in Somalia carries a tire iron for that one day in the very distant future where he or she can buy a car.

  • brandi

    NEVER???? ever heard of big red soda? same shit, different flavor… although stil not worth threatening someone with a tire iron and box of popeye’s over, it’s not that good.

  • brandi

    me too…. im extremely disapointed… as for the soda, i might actually have killed someone over a dr. pepper…

  • brandi

    this one was a diamond in the ROUGH….

  • Heather_Habilatory

    AIFC! Nice to see you again

    And yeah, I had that same mental image.

  • Heather_Habilatory

    Dammit, the story isn’t as awesome as the mental image I got from the headline!

  • Heather_Habilatory

    I’ve never heard of it either.

  • newstarshipsmell

    Ah dammit, I just woke up, and you’ve already used both the jokes that came to mind while reading the writeup.

  • newstarshipsmell

    But speaking of grape Nehi – let me say that, speaking from experience, as a lactose-intolerant individual, drinking milk and grape soda at the same time is a deadly combination.

  • JGo555

    And he looks unrepentant.

  • brandi

    they have a whole line, big pineapple, big blue, big red, big peach, it’s made by dr. pepper company i think…

  • newstarshipsmell

    I know, I immediately pictured two idiots “dueling” with a live chicken and a fluffy pillow.

  • CT

    I like milk as well as grape soda but that combination sounds like something that might look worse going in than coming out.

  • newstarshipsmell

    And I was still laughing over the article when I managed to shart
    myself. Thankfully I only had to change my boxers. What a fantastic
    start to the week.

  • CT

    I get up at 5:30 most days. It takes my brain a few hours to get going so typically you would still be ahead of me. I guess I got lucky.

  • CT

    My son told me yesterday, “Mom, never fart when you have to poop, you are always going to poop in your underwear and if you aren’t careful it will fall out.”

  • newstarshipsmell

    By “at the same time” I meant, consuming the latter shortly before or after the former. I mean, I’m a fucking weirdo and all, but I wouldn’t combine the two into a single drink. Even if I would, I daresay the result would still appear less awful than the end-product.

  • 18th40

    I like your thinking.

  • CT

    Thank god. I remember when my dad drank butter milk and THAT made me gag. Thinking of the soda and milk…barf.

  • newstarshipsmell

    I can recommend some good therapists.

  • 18th40

    That ship sailed.

  • alphatroll

    I first read that they were fighting over a big peach sofa. Which kinda made sense, since decent free furniture is sometimes hard to find.

    But seriously, only soda I’d fight over would be Ale-8-1.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Rochell-Arnold/100000587657456 Rochell Arnold

    In my defense I really don’t drink a whole lot of soda….piss poor metabolism that will blow me up about 30lbs if I do not stick to good ol’ H20

  • Wolf_of_Mars

    …and a diamond that liked giving it rough.

  • Wolf_of_Mars

    Sailed, Hell! That puppy sank while still moored at the dock.

  • Wolf_of_Mars

    Now that soda’s some kind of GOOD!

  • Suzy Sears

    And some Peach Preserves ! Roflmaopmp

  • Buffettgirl

    Sounds like this Diamond is a real gem…

  • brandi

    is that a ball of pube’s on his left shoulder?

  • brandi

    i drink soda, but not that shit… and certainly would not waste a good basket of chicken and I really wouldn’t even waste the tire iron over such a poor excuse for a soda as big peach….

  • newstarshipsmell

    Maybe he’s budding a little Diamond, through asexual reproduction, since… looking at his face, I can’t imagine him reproducing sexually.

  • newstarshipsmell

    He looks like a dragon diamond.

  • 18th40

    You been in my email again ?

  • 18th40

    Honey Boo Boo’s mother annihilated the “too homely to reproduce” theory, it’s no longer a working model.

  • brandi

    so it’s like a mold spore made of genital hairs… thank you for that mental picture… i’m going to go check the weather now and see how high the spore count is today so i can prepare…

  • brandi

    are you sure he’s not a squirrel diamond? (the hair gives it away)

  • brandi

    sounds like a bitch, and only a bitch would throw a box of perfectly good chicken over a soda…

  • brandi

    yes, this is true….. i guess there’s someone (or some…..thing) out there for everyone.

  • G.I.R.L.

    Coal?! That’s racist!!!!

  • G.I.R.L.

    No, if it was Diamond Labia then we could’ve negotiated.

  • http://www.facebook.com/ceisdsgilISshadow Ceisd Sgil

    I think the hair under the jaw, near the ear is part of his half-assed goatee. If you look closely he has a bit of it at the chin too.. I’ve seen some who shave all the way down to the jawline and then let what’s below the jaw line grow out… I’m thinkin’ that’s the look he was goin’ for.. Too bad he isn’t man enough to grow the rest of it…

  • http://oddlyunfocused.blogspot.com/ Eccentric_Lady

    I thought Diamond was a feminine name too….I have a cousin with that name up in the PNW.

  • Eliza Berntsen

    If you say his name really fast it sounds like Chlamydia.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000505990543 Jim Powell

    You didn’t use it in this article, but phrases like getting all stabbey, rapey etc.it’s getting old. It wouldn’t be so bad if you didn’t do it all the timey.

  • brandi

    So, the aforementioned male in this story would be what? chickeny? peachy? dare i say it, irony?

  • HazelHoppinflapper

    Any male named Diamond is destined for either a life of crime or something involving prostitution and/or cross dressing. The parents should be beaten with a DiGiorno pizza, a heating pad, and a socket wrench.

  • Buffettgirl

    Much too kind of you, for creating a lifetime of torment for their child they should have to change their names permanently to Cruel & Unusual… My poor oldest brother was named Kimball about 14 seconds before the onslaught of Kimberleys came along… he has never really lived it down to this day, 46 years later.

  • LeaveMeBe

    You are dumby.

  • newstarshipsmell

    I was going to sarcastically insult you until I looked through your comment history and discovered the post about the upcoming TPB movie, which I had no idea was being made. Shit’s fuckin’ awesome, man. Can’t wait.

  • Miya Graves

    A grape cream slush from sonic is the jawn!

  • onlyme356

    With a face like that, I’d be pretty angry too.

  • 18th40

    Yep, apparently it’ll be based around the boys starting their own internet tv station, that should be interesting. Lahey and Randy toured Canada doing the bar circuit, it was pretty entertaining evening especially in a small club.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Anna-Hall-Grillot/100000054600337 Anna Hall Grillot

    I love peach soda, but it was better in a can. The 2 liter size ruins it for me.

  • Suzy Sears

    Omg just thinking of butter milk makes my tummy try to craw out through my mouth !!

  • LeaveMeBe

    Such words of wisdom from one so young. So, did you pee your pants from laughing so hard? Birthin’ young’uns is hell on the bladder.

  • lyssdexia

    Boxes of chicken, jars of olives, crowbars, shotgun butts….. I can handle all of these scary, horrible weapons just fine. But, PLEASE, could someone get rid of those huge, giant, neon red, killer titties at the top of the page? They have been hitting me in the eyeballs for days now, and I am starting to feel disturbed. Thank you.

  • wastintime

    My first thought was that my fourteen yr old has a fuller beard than this dude!

  • kimbev69

    now i’m in the mood for fried chicken

  • osteenq

    Guess he’s going to have to change his name to Cubic Z.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Rochell-Arnold/100000587657456 Rochell Arnold

    I totally read this in Gumby’s voice lol

  • Lena60

    They should have left that diamond inn the rough.:P

  • LeaveMeBe

    Sadly, that’s what I read, too.

  • LeaveMeBe

    No defense needed. I hadn’t heard of it either until today and now I wish I had never heard of Big Peach Soda. The name alone made me urp.

  • Cory

    It better not of been any Bojangles chicken that be a fucking waste!

  • brandi

    sarcastic insult would’ve been better than that!

  • wyrosjr

    “Shine bright like a diamond”

  • Wildheart

    They learn so young….

  • brandi

    and the stripper ass with monopoly money in her thong, people at work are starting to whisper about me…. oh and the veins on those tits look like they are going to whip out of her titty, through my computer screen, and gouge my eye balls out…..

  • nomorepolitix

    Damn. I came to this one late. Are there any Grape Nehi jokes yet? (And I’d like to think I don’t really see color of people’s skin…)

  • nomorepolitix

    newstarshipsmell is really: Jason London.

  • nomorepolitix

    I couldn’t even read this whole write up without giggling at all the cliches. This is fake, right?

  • AlwaysInFlyoverCountry

    I am firmly convinced Buttermilk (it’s so good its name rates Proper Noun status) will heal the sick and raise the dead.

    –Al

  • GGMon

    LMAO. The other day I was in the train station and I had to fart so bad that it was upsetting my stomach until I realized it was one of those that your son described. Not only was it upsetting my stomach but this was those liquid, dookie poops. Did I mention I was in a subway train?
    I had to wait for more or less 20 minutes until I got to my residence to relieve myself. All I could do was clench my butt real tight and pray that no accidents happened, and thankfully I didn’t have to deal with an embarrassingly shitty moment. I never clenched so tight, I think I deserve an award for doing the impossible

  • Suzy Sears

    Then it all works out lol. Cause I’ll be dead before I drink that stuff rofl !!!!!!!!

  • Sam

    I can feel a new exercise regime coming on. The new way to a J-lo butt: a combination of a mild dose of ex-lax and a locked confined space such as an elevator filled with half a dozen guys you’d love to date.

  • JustBrowsingLife

    A box of live chicken.:

  • AlwaysInFlyoverCountry

    That much more for me ;)

    –Al

  • netsiren

    Black folks will damn sure fight over some libation!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jason-Leonhardt/100000708318250 Jason Leonhardt
  • DAT

    So. . many , , racial. .stereotypes. . .can’t. . .. . .breathe. . ahhhhhh