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Gregory Matthew BruniNORTH FORT MYERS, FL - I have no idea what kind of drugs 21-year-old Gregory Matthew Bruni was on the other day, but I want to know so I can make sure I get some.

On Monday, a Florida man went to investigate noises he heard on his roof and discovered a naked Bruni running around on top of his house. Bruni jumped from the roof, partially landing on the man, and then ran inside the man’s home.

According to the reports, Bruni grabbed a 72-inch television off a wall and smashed it on the ground before emptying the contents of a wet-dry vac. As Bruni was eating the contents of the vacuum off the floor, the homeowner’s wife retrieved a .38 revolver and fired three shots at Bruni, missing him.

Undeterred by the gunfire, Bruni fell to the ground and masturbated before running into another room and began rubbing his face into any articles of clothing he found. The homeowner retrieved a shotgun and aimed it Bruni, instructing him to lay down.

Two deputies arrived and entered the home, discovering Bruni had taken a shit outside the home’s front door as well as inside the home’s hallway. They ended up using a Taser on Bruni, who they found in the home flailing around on the ground and talking, but not making any sense.

Bruni was taken to the hospital, but doctors couldn’t immediately tell police what drugs he was on until they conducted further tests. Bruni has been charged with two counts of criminal mischief, battery, occupied burglary, resisting without violence, and knowing how to party.

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  • daMonBrooks

    Oh god, I’ve never heard such an awesome story and at 21 too. I’ve had to live down some shit, but nothing as magnificent as this young hero’s night.

  • http://www.dreamindemon.com Jaded

    We call that “Tuesday.”

  • Sam

    I’ve heard of shotgun weddings, but not shotgun masturbation.

  • Eliza Berntsen

    I shall take a wild guess and say…………… BATHSALTS!

  • Eliza Berntsen

    Clearly you just haven’t lived.

  • http://www.facebook.com/mattie.genaux Mattie Genaux

    Ooooo a game of guess the drug! I wanna say bath salts. But since he wasn’t trying to eat anyone’s faces I’m pretty stumped. :- lol

  • Sam

    I guess i’ve never had a problem with people masturbating for me when i ask nicely. Well, that, and i’d rather keep my shotgun out of my toy drawer for fear of getting things mixed up in the heat of the moment… ;P

  • Sam

    Maybe he combined it with LSD and saw a short stodgy human with a very long thin neck instead of a vacuum?

  • 18th40

    True, but then I’d guess most of your friends start those stories with, “Hey you remember that time when…?” as opposed to, “So..are they feeding you well in here ?”.

  • Vindictive

    72 inch TV, damn.

  • newstarshipsmell

    Yeah, I definitely wouldn’t have missed, three times, after that.

  • newstarshipsmell

    Of course, now I’m curious about what specifically the contents of that wet-dry vac were.

  • weneedhelpnow

    Why are drugs suspected? Maybe this is his “normal”. He looks like a happy fellow.

  • LeaveMeBe

    Is it hot in here or is it just me? *fans self*

  • Andyman

    I wanna see. lol

  • Sam

    Well, obviously the contents of an average old dude’s medicine cabinet: laxatives and viagra.

  • 18th40

    “She exclaimed as Rhett continued masturbating on her broken tv….”

  • Frybread

    Aw, geez, marijuana had to be involved for him to have the wet dry vac munchies…

  • LeaveMeBe

    Dog poop. Specifically, diarrhea.

  • LeaveMeBe

    Now THIS is an Allstate mayhem commercial.

  • Gee

    I see what you did there… “I’ve had to live down some shit, but”

  • tkaz

    The title is the answer to a Jeopardy question…
    Alex, How to make a house completely unlivable?

  • OutOfBubbleGum

    “…investigate noises he heard on his roof ..”

    And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
    The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
    As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
    Down the chimney St Nicholas’ trainee came with a bound.

    He was naked and hairy, from his head to his foot,
    And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
    A bundle of Reposses Toys he had flung on his back,
    And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

    His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
    His butt cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
    His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
    And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

    The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
    And the smoke of the baltsalts encircled his head like a wreath.
    He had a broad face and a little skinny,
    That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of ky-jelly!

    He was clumbsy and stupid, a right jolly new elf,
    And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
    A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
    Soon gave me to know I had everythinging to dread.

    He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
    And filled all the hallways with poo, cause he was such a jerk.
    And laying his finger aside of his nose,
    And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

    He sprang to the policecar, to his team gave a whistle,
    And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
    But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
    “F! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a suck-ass-night!”

    Missing an after Christmas installment payment for a 72″ TV from Rent-A-North-Pole-Center is never a pretty thing.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1176765918 Trapp Mountain

    This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?

  • Athena

    I really hope those were three warning shots or some shit. Otherwise, I’d be draggin’ my bitch back to the range by her ear.

  • newstarshipsmell

    Maybe the dude just thought he was playing Super Mario 64? Running around, jumping on people like they’re Goombas, trying to jump through a giant TV like it’s a window to another level and breaking it…

  • newstarshipsmell

    And she’d be complaining that hey, at least she tried, unlike yourself, who just stood there aiming your shotgun at the asshole but not doing anything with it…

  • brandi

    WOW! who knew shit, masturbation, wet dry vac contents, a 72″ plasma, and articles of clothing could make for such a good time!

  • Heather_Habilatory

    Yeah, WHICH drugs!

  • brandi

    hahahahahahahahahahaha

  • brandi

    does any one know how to take a respectful shit in the toilet anymore? http://www.dreamindemon.com/2013/01/09/scorned-wife-craps-kitchen-floor-finding-hubby-nekkid-woman/

    EDIT: i used a double negative, much like the guy featured :)

  • brandi

    i think it’s safe to say a little of all, naked=bathsalts, eating vaccuum contents=weed, running=coke, uncontrolably breaking things=meth, masturbating=viagra, shitting=ex lax

  • 18th40

    From what I’ve read apparently Led Zepplin was also aware.

  • Athena

    To which I’d reply, “Well, did it work? That’s right, bitch. Now get to shootin’. And try to hit the paper this time.”

  • 18th40

    I suppose it’s possible standing in the middle of Alice in Wonderland goes to shit city could have affected her concentration. Hard to shoot when your terrified and laughing.

  • JohnQknowitall

    The thought of cleaning up human feces makes me gag like nothing other than cleaning up human vomit.

  • scallywag

    Vacuum cleaners if you must know are prone to inspiring contentious behavior unless of course it’s the good stuff one is disposed to imbibing.

    Aren’t you glad you too have it all together…?

    http://scallywagandvagabond.com/2013/01/gregory-matthew-bruni-invades-house-attacks-vacuum-cleaner-and-then-masturbates-and-defecates-in-house/

  • tkaz

    We have crickets & dog hair in ours….yummmy!!

  • 18th40

    Should I ask Tommy Lee again ? I’m guessing he’d know.

  • tkaz

    Exactly. After an episode like this, the owners should just move. It’s like a tupperware container – if something is really gross inside – I throw it out!

  • slavesher

    He looks “relieved”

  • Buffettgirl

    I love Mayhem, <3

  • Buffettgirl

    I know, right? It never ends well when the toys and weapons get mixed up.

  • Buffettgirl

    Poetry, pure poetry… ;-)

  • Heather_Habilatory

    I have a feeling even Tommy Lee wouldn’t know just what this guy was on.

  • 18th40

    DId you watch ‘Tommy Lee Goes To College’ ?

  • brandi

    me too! only a couple bucks to keep from opening a bowl that could induce vomiting, WORTH IT!

  • brandi

    what is, shitting in the hall way.

  • brandi

    you’d be the perfect redneck husband

  • MyHovercraftIsFullofEels

    I told my kids we couldn’t get another dog [after our dachshund went to heaven, really she is just in a box on the shelf)] because I was tired of cleaning up shit (their’s and the dog’s).

  • MyHovercraftIsFullofEels

    Obviously you have never purchased real “Tupperware”, that stuff is super expensive. I brave the mold and vom inducing smells to clean it out.

  • tkaz

    Well…I grew up in the 70/80s & the stuff back then was awesome. Gotta love avocado, yellow & orange!
    I bought some REAL stuff about 12 yrs ago & the lids pop off! So I bought Glad & Ziploc….frugal I am.
    I will say that if I put stuff in my glass dishes I would scrub, however.

  • Athena

    Weird, right? I don’t even have a redneck husband mentor. This right here is some inherent skill. I’m like the Lance Armstrong of redneck husbandry. Oh, wait…

  • Heather_Habilatory

    Pft, of course.

  • brandi

    occupational hazard

  • Heather_Habilatory

    You know you’ve been reading the Demon too long when you read this article, and all it’s comments, while eating, without one slight urge to vomit.

  • come_and_see

    Sounds like my room mate.

  • 18th40

    Understandable, it would be a little awkward screaming, “Down on the floor now Motherfuc**r !!” waving a vibrator, unless you were desperate I guess.

  • 18th40

    Sorry, silly question.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Anna-Hall-Grillot/100000054600337 Anna Hall Grillot

    No kidding! My grandma still has real Tupperware in colors of vomit and even some bowls that are literally worth like $100 each. She is a collector of food items, wasting about $400 worth of groceries every month. She just lets them rot in her fridge, and ooze all over the pantry. I will go to visit and clean out one of her refrigerators and she doesn’t allow any of her rare and expensive Tupperware to go in the dishwasher so all that muck has to be washed by hand…

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Anna-Hall-Grillot/100000054600337 Anna Hall Grillot

    I don’t know what was in the wet dry, but I’m fussing this guys shit an semen is what is in it now. And that thing would be in the garbage, if it were mine.

  • Sam

    I am 99.9% sure this has happened to someone before. Most likely someone in Florida.

  • JohnQknowitall

    Hmmmm… Wonder if they will get tired of changing your diapers one, but with a resentment until you are put in a box (or a nice decorative vase [prounounce vahz]) and placed on a shelf. ;)

  • MyHovercraftIsFullofEels

    I plan on throwing myself into the ocean if it ever comes to that. If the ocean plan is unable be carried out, for example if I were to succumb to a tragic fatal accident, my will specifically states that there is to be no retention of my ashes.

    Live for today, plan for tomorrow.

  • brandi

    should probably choose who you live with more carefully, or get a tranquilizer gun, which ever is cheaper..

  • KKef

    Someone else’s garbage, no less. Would not even put it in mine : I hope homeowner’s insurance helps these folks with disaster cleanup!

  • JohnQknowitall

    Just a suggestion: Walk backwards into the ocean. Much more dramatic.

  • Wolf_of_Mars

    One-man Swing Party: FAIL!

  • Wolf_of_Mars

    That was some mighty fine shootin’, Sheriff. NOT!
    When my wife went through her CCP classes, she qualified first, left first with the certificate of completion in hand. She wouldn’t have missed three-in-a-row.

  • http://www.facebook.com/ntrygg1 Nick Trygg

    Omg this is the craziest story iv heard all month!

  • Buffettgirl

    So that’s not foreplay?

  • brandi

    ahhh, then you must be a newbie here…

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1489869015 Lance Larkin

    Maybe after breaking into the house he went after the bath salts, first.

  • michaeljcheaney

    Do you think while all of this was going on he was chanting, “Beat it is the shit, Beat it is the shit”
    Or Perhaps: Beat it is a shitty song, beat it is a shitty song…. If you chant those 2 sayings it sounds FUNNY AS Shit….

  • NY_Mommy

    because FLORIDA!

  • newstarshipsmell

    Wolf, I’m sure you’d love to hear how I did on my gun quals in boot camp while running a 103.5F temperature.

  • MyHovercraftIsFullofEels

    Are you sure you are “burping” them correctly?

  • Frybread

    I can’t help but wonder if he and Brenda Schumann are related seeing as how both live in Florida and both like to shit on the floors. And did you notice he looks like Ronald McDonald without the makeup…that’s scary.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1616336316 Mary Mahi Mahi

    That smiling face add some white make-up & a red nose the bungling burglar is more like a clown. One of my family members in Florida had a break-in once the husband died so when she returned home she found a huge shit in the toilet that couldn’t flush. No body fluids or poop on the floor must be a different burglar. It’s a good day in Flori-duh. Bath salts anyone?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1616336316 Mary Mahi Mahi

    Or bath salts it’s Flori-duh remember that Frybread. Marijuana makes one hungry for real food!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1616336316 Mary Mahi Mahi

    Exactly maybe the wife should’ve handed over the 38 Special to her husband right? By missing the burglar maybe he got hot & excited masturbating then it made him shit his pants except at the very last moment he yanked them down. Excuse me please pass me some tp. I know it’s awkward he tells them.

  • http://www.krashthrills.wordpress.com/ Anthony Mandich

    I always admire a guy who can shit all over the place like that. Its a real talent… shitting on cue.

  • G.I.R.L.

    Talk about being horny. So what did was he on?

  • G.I.R.L.

    Phenomenal.

  • G.I.R.L.

    My grandma is the same way! I once cleaned her refrigerator of items that had expired 5years previously and she went in the garbage and retrieved it all!

  • glitterpuss

    Naked could be PCP. Eating vacuum debris = some drugs you should leave alone lol. Let’s not drag Mary’s good name into this unless it’s a cookie burglar

  • velvetjoneslives

    “Tuesday in Florida”. I expected more from North Ft. Myers though. I thought this type of thing only happened in Lehigh Acres.

  • Cory

    I have beenn reading the Demon for yrs now, that I don’t even look to see where it took place anymore I just assume it’s Florida lol Can we say bath salts anyone?

  • brandi

    your right, but bath salts are more fun! ;) and mary, well i love her just as much as the next, but that does not mean that she doesn’t make everything taste better!

  • brandi

    but it also makes everything taste DELICIOUS!

  • tkaz

    I don’t things are built like they were. The tops started popping off about 2 yrs ago…I thought my daughter wasn’t closing it but it turns out it wasn’t her, it was the container! Now I just put non-perishable things in like snacks after school.
    But my gram’s tupperware, yellow with a flower, works great! It’s easily 34 yrs old.
    But we’ve alos had 2 fridges, 3 dishwashers & 2 washers in 10 yrs…they just don’t make stuff as well as they used to!

  • http://www.dreamindemon.com Jaded

    Actually, I meant “Tuesday” at my house. :p

  • Eliza Berntsen

    My grandma still has some tinned food in her pantry from the 90’s. She eats that stuff too.

  • Digited

    My grandma wears tin foil hats and would have likely tried the wet-vac tasties. Since we’re talking about grandmas now.

  • Edward Richtofen

    what does this mean “<3"?

  • Sam

    It’s a heart (look at it sideways)(and you’ll have to use some imagination… ;)

  • Gee

    Dork… MJC <3

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Anna-Hall-Grillot/100000054600337 Anna Hall Grillot

    My grandma has pie filling and creamed corn that expired in the 90’s and I found some “make your own root beer stuff” that had never been opened that was solidified in the bottle, expired in the 70’s. there was some mint leaves in a tin that were packed 4 months before my 38 year old husband was born. She has vitamins that fell apart into powder 2 decades ago.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Anna-Hall-Grillot/100000054600337 Anna Hall Grillot

    I once threw about 3 dozen eggs with black insides outside, across to the field and she freaked out! She was so mad I got rid of them! And there was a pineapple that the bottom was sliced off, and just sitting in a plate in the fridge. I needed room for fresh food, so I picked it up and looked at the cut part and it was slimy and moldy so I threw it to the ducks. She found it and picked it up by the greenery and gave me this hateful look and said,”this was the best pineapple ever! It was so sweet and so juicy.” I thought she was going to cry!

  • MyHovercraftIsFullofEels

    I went to my beloved grandmother’s funeral last weekend. This convo makes me sad. She suffered from Alzheimer’s for many years. She was the worlds best Nana. I know I gave her a card that said so.

  • MyHovercraftIsFullofEels

    Canned goods last much longer than people think. Decades past the expiration dates as long as the container has not been damaged. http://www.grandpappy.info/hshelff.htm

  • Sam

    You’re giving away your age. :P

  • BEastDuo

    So, who wants to make the wild guess of bath salts?

  • BEastDuo

    This is true. There is a place called Mary Jane’s pizza back home, and man it’s awful. Unless you are stoned, then it’s the best pizza to get from 4:20pm to 4:20 am EVER. But seriously, eat that shit the next afternoon sober? OMG…no.

  • BEastDuo

    Totally true. I once rented a house that was 100 years old, I had to clean it up, a bit and there was an old maytag washing machine from..the 50’s I’d guess left in it. The landlord told me to get rid of it, because it didn’t work, but I took it to the maytag store and they fixed it, and that thing STILL runs like a beast to this day.

  • BEastDuo

    Oh Eels! *hug* She sounds like such a peach. It’s always hard to lose your Nana. I’m thinking of you.

  • BEastDuo

    I was eating pizza when I read this.

  • Heather_Habilatory

    I don’t even remember what I was eating.

  • Abroad

    Looks more like a fart to me. Or maybe a very short dick. Sorry :-P

  • Sam

    Wouldn’t a fart be 3< ? :)

  • G.I.R.L.

    Please forgive my being corny :(

  • brandi

    stoner..

  • Heather_Habilatory

    I am NOW :) haha.

  • netsiren

    Morbid…..You are my hero , second only to Seth (as in MacFarlane) who eventually will come to his senses and marry me!!! You though…you ..are fucking funny.

  • Luv2ByteYou

    Thanks for the best laugh I’ve had all day!

  • http://www.dreamindemon.com/ Mirzababa

    Sounds about right

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