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Three Accused In Plot To Kill, Castrate Justin Bieber

December 14, 2012 at 11:36 am by  

Albuquerque, NM — Three grown-ass men are being questioned in connection with a plot to kill and castrate teen-pop sensation Justin Bieber, as well as his bodyguard and two others.

The alleged mastermind behind the bizarro plan is convicted killer and apparent Bieber fan, 45-year-old Dana Martin – a man serving two life sentences for the rape and murder of a 15-year-old Vermont girl back in 2000.

According to police, the aged “Belieber” began to formulate his evil plan after Bieber “slighted” him by refusing to respond to any of his messages. Oh, and did I mention Martin has Bieber’s face tatted on his leg? Yeah…

Martin apparently hooked up with another prisoner, 41-year-old Mark Staake, and fed him some bullshit about how he had access to a metric shit ton of money, acreage in Vermont and some connections to some Chinese gang in New York. Not sure what Chinese gangs have to do with anything, but whatever. If Staake wanted a piece of Martin’s fame and fortune, he just had to do one simple thing………


Oh, and those other people, too.

Who wouldn’t, right? I mean, it’s Justin Bieber.

Staake, released from prison in October, recruited his nephew, 23-year-old Tanner Ruane, and the two began tracking the Bieber’s movements. According to police, Bieber and his bodyguard were to be killed after a concert in New York at the end of November.

Before they offed the Bieber, though, Martin wanted a couple of former acquaintances in Vermont “taken care of.”

According to police, Martin demanded that said acquaintances be strangled with a paisley tie – the tie apparently a calling-card of sorts – and Ruane was to castrate the victims.

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Staake and Ruane set off for Vermont. Shit started going downhill, though, after the dastardly duo missed an exit and ended up in Canada.

Staake flipped a bitch and got in line to re-enter the States. It was then, police say, that border guards discovered an outstanding probation violation warrant from New Mexico and placed him under arrest.

Ruane spoke with Martin on the phone later that same day, and when informed of Staake’s arrest, Martin called the whole thing off. Friggin’ quitter.

Ruane, perhaps ignorant to the fact that all calls to the prison are recorded, apparently expressed his disappointment in Martin’s decision to back off. After all, he explained to Martin, he and Uncle Mark had found one of the first two victims’ homes and had even procured the hedge clippers necessary for the castrations.

Martin went to police the next morning, revealing the scheme. Ruane was arrested a short time later. In his vehicle, police found a pair of pruning shears, information on the last-known locations of the first two intended victims and a hand-drawn photo of the Beiber.

Staake and Ruane were arrested on charges of two counts each of conspiracy to commit murder and two counts each of conspiracy to commit aggravated battery. One source says police are waiting for the pair to be extradited back to New Mexico, where they will be interviewed. Another source says Ruane has been released from police custody.

Not sure what kind of charges Martin is facing at this point, or if it even matters. Two life sentences… that Bieber fan ain’t going anywhere for a minute.

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Next time, Bieber. Next time…

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  • This is how I would imagine it going down if the 3 stooges plotted murder.

  • castrate her ? yikes that would be painful, how do you castrate a vagina?

  • OutOfBubbleGum

    I admit it. I’m a techie. Furthermore, I’m available for a reasonable price. If the New Mexico Prison System can’t figure out how to fix the “This call may be monitored for quality assurance purposes” message, I can help them out.

  • EveryVillainIsLemons

    Judging by his voice, Biebs has already been castrated.

  • daMonBrooks

    Well they do female circumcision, so why the heck not. :/

  • Whoa, what’s this dude’s obsession with castration? Did he want to make a necklace?

  • Tie tack, I’m assuming.

  • 45 year old man with a tattoo of Justin Beiber and obsessed with him? Really?

  • Or maybe he was looking for a new toothpick?

  • alphatroll

    A “hand-drawn photo?” How does that work?

  • Eliza Berntsen

    You take a pencil, some paper and start moving your hand creating shapes, hoping that the result will have at least some resemblance to what was intended.

  • Not enough head slapping.

  • Clyde The Dog

    Then it would be a picture, not a photo. lol

  • Clyde The Dog

    The mind blowing thing is how influential crazy can be.

  • David

    You know… because photographs and printers are so rare these days.

  • Pyncky

    As much as I hate hearing anything from JB referred to as music, I can’t blame him for riding it out and making money from it. Don’t kill him though, just operate on his vocal chords and give him a nice bass voice. His career would be over, nothing scares little teeny girls more than testosterone.

  • Patr1ckBateman

    Oh SHIT. Have a look at this this video. As soon as I read the headline of the article, I thought of this.

    I know you probably can’t be bothered clicking, but have a quick look.

  • newstarshipsmell

    Speaking of hand-drawn photos… Was it released to the public? That would make a fantastic cover for a Justin Beiber Unplugged anthology.

  • CT

    I laughed – yes, I’ll admit it.

  • I can think of plenty of people in power that should of been on there list, because in the long run hes gonna die out anyways lol.

  • Sam

    Considering the mastermind in this, I’d guess he traced it from the tatt on his leg.

  • sweekymom

    That is some pitiful muthafuckin’ shit.

  • alphatroll

    “Unplugged!” I See What You Did There! 😉

  • Hilarious write up! It’s like I was there 😉

  • eltrut

    LOL…I clicked. That’s pretty damn funny!

  • Abroad

    O.o Could this be construed as threats? 😛

  • roy1531

    I still find it funny that Biebs put the whoop ass on a paparazzi! What kind of pansy ass picture taker are you that ou can’t kick Justin Biebers ass?

  • Sam

    Roy! How’ve you been dude?

  • roy1531

    I have been good Sam, got divorced, got my boys, and moved out of South Texas back to West Texas! Life is good. How are you?

  • JGo555

    “And I would’ve gotten away with it if it wasn’t for that dog and those meddling kids!” *shakes fist in the air*

  • Sam

    Wow, talk about tossing your life upside down. I’m glad you’re happy though, and that you’ve got your boys! I’m fine – nothing quite as drastic here, just life as normal. All’s good. Good to see you again!

  • roy1531

    Yea it has been an eventful summer, LOL. Glad to hear you are doing well also!

  • Lena60

    Lol Alecia

  • Lena60

    Are these 3 inbred?

  • Andyman

    Too bad they were unsuccessful. Bieber isn’t my favorite. lol

  • Were they also going to strangle the Biebs with a paisley tie?

  • come on he dosen’t sing that bad dont kill him