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Lufkin, TX – Angela Buchanan, 30, was arrested Monday on charges that she had impersonated a gynecologist to lure her long-time friend into a lesbian relationship.

In the interest of not having to constantly use the words “allegedly,” “supposedly,” and “reportedly,” I’m going to tell you right now that the text to follow is all information according to arrest affidavits.

Buchanan contacted the 51-year-old victim on Yahoo! Messenger, posing as “Doc,” a local physician who was advising Buchanan regarding a prior bout with breast cancer that had originally surfaced in 2008, back when she was living with a former partner with whom she’d had two children via in vitro fertilization.  Confused yet?  It gets better.  Pay attention here.

After Buchanan’s alter ego, “Doc,” had made online contact with the victim, Buchanan informed her that “Doc” was a person with whom she had a close, personal, mother/daughter-type relationship.  The victim accepted and believed this.

Back online, “Doc” informed the victim that Buchanan had recently been diagnosed with a pre-cancerous mass in her breast, but that its progression might be slowed, or even cured, if Buchanan were able to produce certain hormones that the body would naturally release during…you guessed it…sexual activity.

Now, the muff-diving Buchanan had previously tried a more traditional seduction approach with the victim, who has considered herself a lesbian since the age of thirteen.  However, the victim had sworn off girl-on-girl action, feeling it was “morally wrong.”  You go, Texas.

It seems that “Doc’s” prodding was just what the victim needed, though, to get those scissoring impulses going again.  The victim reluctantly engaged in “Doc’s” prescribed treatment regimen under the pretext that she was saving Buchanan’s life.  As part of the supposed plan, “Doc” would go over the results of Buchanan’s fictitious weekly blood draws to provide information on how it was all going.  She would then provide advice on the frequency and duration of the sexual encounters to follow.  I’m now thinking of starting the script for a lesbian porn film called “The Wizard of Lez,” though I feel I may be slightly under-qualified.

During the subsequent online interactions with “Doc,” the victim urged her to be more proactive with the precancerous cells, perhaps employing a strategy involving mastectomy and reconstructive surgery.  The victim eventually convinced Buchanan to undergo surgery and she accompanied Buchanan to the procedure.  In the waiting room, immediately following the supposed mastectomy and reconstruction, the victim asked the doctor about the status of the mass in Buchanan’s breast, to which she responded that she knew nothing of a mass, that she was only performing breast augmentation.

The victim then confronted “Doc” online about the odd denial immediately following the surgery.  “Doc” told her that the surgery had been performed “under the table” and that she needed to deny knowledge of the cancer at that point because there were cameras in the waiting room where they’d been speaking.  The victim, who must, at this point, win some sort of award for extreme gullibility, accepted this.

Buchanan wasn’t done.  Throughout June and July, Buchanan was trying to jockey the victim into a more permanent arrangement, telling her that she needed to get married to aid her in the supposed ongoing custody battle she’d been having with her former partner.  They traveled to Massachusetts and tied the knot, since Texas is not down with same-sex unions as of this writing.

The victim’s daughter then entered the picture, suggesting that “Doc” was actually Buchanan and this was all a huge scam.  A light bulb then illuminated the pitch blackness that is the victim’s cognitive ability.  She contacted Buchanan’s former partner, who informed her that there was no battle with cancer in 2008, and that the two were not engaged in any custody battle.  She then called “Doc’s” office, and that’s when the police got involved.

Buchanan admitted to police that she had tricked the victim, but that she would not have stood a chance at getting into her pants without the advice of “Doc.”  Makes it all seem okay to me, actually.  I’m not sure why the police are involved at all.

Buchanan was released from Angelina County Jail on a $1,500 bond.  She faces up to a year in county jail and/or a $4,000 fine on the Class A misdemeanor charge.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to Facebook message someone about my testicular cancer, which can only be cured through execution of the unabridged Kama Sutra.

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Comments


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  • CT

    I paid attention, OK? I could see perhaps being “tricked” into lesbian sex once but over and over and over and over. Me thinks something is not on the up and up or did she go down and down?

  • Andyman

    Common sense is apparently not something we all have in common. This victim seems incredibly gullible to me!

  • NY_Mommy

    My head hurts. The worse part is I’m not even getting a steamy mental picture of the whole thing. Between that picture and the fact that the victim is in her 50’s. **shudders**

  • OutOfBubbleGum

    We need more doctoers like “Doc.” Where else will you find such a caring doctor who doesn’t care about your insurance coverage?

  • http://twitter.com/vab423 Vicki B.

    I paid attention but got hopeless lost somewhere around paragraph 5. Please let me know when Readers Digest plans to do a condensed version.

  • http://twitter.com/vab423 Vicki B.

    I have to admit, gullible was not the first word that came to my mind. Elevator not going to the top floor, not the sharpest knife in the drawer, a taco short of a combination plate, yes. Gullible, no.

  • sugarpie

    “The victim” should be charged with just plain being stupid.

  • Pipsmom06

    So how does this work now? Do they get an annulment now? A divorce?

  • Pipsmom06

    Not to mention being tricked into marriage. It took my ex husband poking holes in condoms and a positive pregnancy test to trick me into marriage. Lol

  • CT

    I am trying to trick my spouse into unmarrying me – so far, no luck.

  • newstarshipsmell

    So tell me again why isn’t Buchanan being charged with abuse of a mentally disabled person?

  • newstarshipsmell

    Well, you had kids with him, right? So I guess the “I was actually born a man” trick won’t work.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Leashaness Alicia Lynee’

    1, why the fuck did this eyebrow-less cow wanna do it with a 51 year old granny, anyway??
    2, I’m sorry, but the “victim” deserves a Darwin Award.

  • Zazen

    Hmm. I hope all those times I’ve played doctor don’t come back to bite me in the ass. Granted, there weren’t any mastectomies involved… just a whole lot of nookie. =D

  • newstarshipsmell

    Well, there’s common sense, and then there’s common common sense.

  • newstarshipsmell

    Reactor core is operating at a reduced capacity.

  • newstarshipsmell

    1. To each their own, I always say. 2. The victim got married, not murdered. A fine distinction, I know.

  • newstarshipsmell

    I got your back. I’ve never played “malpractice insurance agent,” but I’m sure it isn’t that hard.

  • CT

    Just whole lot of proctology exams? A side note, why the fuck isn’t proctology a word on Office spell check?

  • come_and_see

    I can understand a 12 year old getting tricked, but a 30 year old? Come on.

  • Texas Ranger

    All I can say is…..WOW!!…if you ever met a Lufkin-ite this whole stream of thought is Waaayyyyy above them. She’s gotta be a genetic mutant to put this kinda scam together. The Lufkin Public School System did NOT produce this kind of genius I tell ya.

  • newstarshipsmell

    The victim was 51, the scammer was 30.

  • http://www.facebook.com/timothymatthewmurphy brain_bomb

    I got confused in like the second paragraph… Then after seeing that the perp looks like an ogre and the victim was in her 50’s – I just threw in the towel because my penis started to curl up into a little ball.

  • http://www.facebook.com/dre.mosley Dre Mosley

    The fuck did I just read?.

  • Athena

    Exactly. O.o

  • sam1211

    it was a 51 yr old who was tricked. I’m not sure if that makes it worse?

  • EveryVillainIsLemons

    Ew. Not to lesbian sex, mind you, but to sex by deception with someone like the homely, eyebrowless wonder up there. *shudders*

    There can be some foxy grandmas. I’d want to see a picture of the 51-year-old victim to be sure.

  • Kasie K

    i saw this over at TCR but was confused. now that peter iz back he will clear it up for me, i sayz to meself. lol nope….not really. Its all muffed up still.

  • Kasie K

    munching all that carpet rubbed her eyebrows off.

  • Pyncky

    “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to Facebook message someone about my
    testicular cancer, which can only be cured through execution of the
    unabridged Kama Sutra.”

    That was great.

  • ultracreep

    Looks to me like someone was indulging in a little fantasy play to not have to take responsibility for being a homosexual. Once her family got involved she was probably embarrassed and decided to play victim. I just can’t believe anyone actually bought all this with a straight face.

  • Sam

    I desperately need the victim’s name and address. I’ve got a whole host of fantasy products i want to sell her.

  • http://tothechest.com Pete Puma

    It’s a convoluted story to be sure…I blame the facts, as is my tendency, but also the fact that I’ve not been writing much this week.

  • newstarshipsmell

    Looks like we’ve got at least one resident of Lufkin reading the commentary.

    The most brilliant part of her plan? Even if she gets caught, she still gets plenty of lesbian sex with 50yo’s.

  • AssWho?

    No shit, this “victim” is beyond low IQ, she has to be handicapped

  • Whatevn

    I laughed out loud at the wrong place at the wrong time, because of that

  • Sam

    To be fair on number 2: Two holes don’t make a bump, so at least the genes aren’t being procreated.

  • iheartpetepuma

    Is it worrisome that D’D has become my favorite way to start the day? lol

  • creamofflicka

    This is some funny shit. I’m soooo telling my wife that a bi-weekly blow job will cure my brain cancer.

  • newstarshipsmell

    Whatever. Alicia seems to think Darwin Awards are something you receive simply for being a moron; what that misconception entitles her to, I leave up to the rest of you to determine for yourselves. I opted to counter it with a joke, because, to be honest, I’m getting tired of explaining to people what Darwin Awards aren’t handed out for.

  • Wildheart

    OUCH…..says Wildheart who just turned 49 and isn’t even CLOSE to being a granny (mainly because I don’t have kids, but also because I’m young at heart. :)

  • Texas Ranger

    True enough. But she’d been a whole lot better off tell her scamee that lesbian scissor-sex would help straighten out her wonky eye. Been alot easier getting the Lufkin Walmart eye doctor to go along with the scam I would think. Details…it’s always in the details…

  • MyHovercraftIsFullofEels

    Tiny face on a big head is a marker for being the result inbreeding. Tiny hands on a normal sized body is also a marker.

  • newstarshipsmell

    Never heard of a taco with tuna filling before… And I re-read the article but there’s no mention of any theft, just deception… ?

  • Rachel Ann

    I haven’t been this confused since Casey Anthony was found innocent.
    How the fuck can you be this stupid and still breathe on your own?

  • Pipsmom06

    I used the old “divorce papers inside a jumbo birthday card” trick. I also included a one way plane ticket back to his home state so he couldn’t say I never gave him anything…and yes, it was actually his birthday. I waited until after the cake, because it was chocolate! Good memories :)

  • JGo555

    Wow. Really? REAAAALLLY? Damn. *Shakes head* Nothing with being a lesbian, all with being 51 and THAT GULLIBLE.

  • Edward Richtofen

    come on! are we just as gullible

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=606239068 Anthony Mandich

    wHAT A LOad of horsEshit that is. If you are going to STart chargIng adUlts with Crimes everrYtime they Finagle Their way into The BitcheS pants. The whOle fuckinG worlD is gonna Be a Goddddddam Prison. Jesus mary and little brother joseph.

  • bevannismine187

    I’m with u guys! I’m dizzy as hell!

  • bevannismine187

    Damn!! Bi-weekly?? Seriously??? My husband gets his lollypop sucked almost daily & my “little man in a boat” gets tidal-waved regularly!! You poor baby!!!!!!!!!!! :-(

  • bevannismine187

    Bwaaaaahahahahaha!!!……

  • newstarshipsmell

    When God foresaw how pitifully stupid Man would be, He took pity on us and gave our respiration the voluntary/reflex combo special.

  • onlyme356

    Takes “oh what a tangled web we weave” to an unhuman-like level.

  • Canuck Gramz

    Bev I admire you. If my hubby got that much attention he’d think we’d been invaded by body snatchers and I was a pod wife.

  • Canuck Gramz

    I think the one crime they can charge her with is impersonating a physician. Can they charge her for any of the other stuff? I’m a fairly gullible person but even I am flabbergasted that anyone would fall for this. If she really was taken in, it had to be pretty humiliating in the end.

  • Canuck Gramz

    I had to read it three times lol

  • Canuck Gramz

    I just had this delightful mental picture of a bunch of people , in offices, checking out “proctology” on their computer’s spell check, just because you said that. haha

  • Martin Huizing

    Holey Moley! Exactly same sentence going trough my head, complete with punctuation after question mark!. 😉

  • tinalib13

    I like your new avatar. Are one of those guys you by any chance? I like your boobs!

  • tinalib13

    Lol since I’m one of the people you explained it to. I’ll never use it improperly again!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001341413871 Noel Jones

    My head hurts now..the woman was 50.

  • LeaveMeBe

    “A light bulb then illuminated the pitch blackness that is the victim’s cognitive ability.”You made me piss myself!And as a Texan, all I can say is: it’s Lufkin. We don’t count Lufkin as a part of Texas.

  • LeaveMeBe

    LOL! The whole time I was reading this I kept reminding myself that it happened in Lufkin and the whole damn story made sense to me. Fuckin’ scary.

  • newstarshipsmell

    LOL, I’m not that overweight.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Cindy-Crawford/13964421 Cindy Crawford

    You made coffee come out of my nose with that one, brain_bomb!

  • newstarshipsmell

    I guess I have a new goal, now.

    So what’s up with Lufkin? Explain, please.

  • BEastDuo

    wanna be gynecologist looks like she ain’t exactly all there anyway.

  • newstarshipsmell

    She got confused and thought it was gyno ecology. She’s a real hands-on, nose-to-the-ground field observer.

  • Reen B

    …or your doctor/patient confidentiality? Rules schmules!

  • Reen B

    I was imagining the interview(s) by police investigating this, and how many “holy fuck I should have known by THAT” moments were contained therein. How mortifying.

  • LeaveMeBe

    Lufkin is in east Texas. Deep east Texas. Think bumpkin.

  • newstarshipsmell

    That’s real elucidating considering the fuck-all I know about Texas, beyond “don’t mess with it.”

  • http://twitter.com/Q_Jordon Quintin Jordon

    Hi, my name is Doc.. ..

  • Abroad

    Worrisome to whom?

  • Abroad

    You are thick behind the ears from not “writing” much this week, perhaps?

  • Abroad

    Not only was she 50, she was a mother. I find mothers are generally quite shrewd…..

  • Bop

    And I’m a scientist. Bring me 11 packages of bacon and some red bull and I shall save the planet.

    Don’t ask questions, do it!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Charlie-Bacardi/100000820797246 Charlie Bacardi

    these two woman where both dumb cunts, you get it dumb cunts.

  • cherrybubblesbonbon

    WTF??? on a more serious note though, if ‘doc’ had turned out to be a man i doubt we would look at this in the same light… just a thought… :0