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Holiday, FL – Janet Lynnette Dolinger, 50, was arrested for shoplifting on Sept. 19th after being detained by the Sweetbay’s loss prevention outside the store.

Dolinger was reportedly seen stuffing a four-pack of Budweiser beer, Vagisil cream, and a package of Alka Seltzer in her purse, then exiting the establishment without making the requisite stop at the cashier’s counter.

She is currently being held in Land O’ Lakes jail, where no, you may not have cream cheese on your bagel, but you’re more than welcome to have a pat of butter or two.

“And what, do you suppose was the reason she might have shoplifted these items?” you might ask.  Because she didn’t have the money for them, you idiot, I’d say.

“Yes,” you may reply, “I am, indeed, an idiot, but what I meant was ‘why did she steal those particular items?'”

I’m glad you asked.  I think it’s safe to assume that Ms. Dolinger has some sort of vaginal yeast infection, hence the Vagisil.  As for the beer, well, some dudes require a bit of “lubrication” to perform oral sex on a woman.  Normally, two cans is enough for the not-very-squeamish.  However, given the situation with the yeast infection and the aesthetic challenges posed by her face, four to twenty is a safer bet.  Unfortunately, a case of beer is difficult to stash in a purse and they don’t sell Vagisil at liquor stores to my knowledge.

And the Alka Seltzer, well, it’s to relieve the feeling of nausea that might overcome one who is performing oral sex on a woman afflicted with such an infection.

The more you know.

It’s Friday, and that’s why I started it off with such a hard-hitting article.

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