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Holiday, FL – Janet Lynnette Dolinger, 50, was arrested for shoplifting on Sept. 19th after being detained by the Sweetbay’s loss prevention outside the store.

Dolinger was reportedly seen stuffing a four-pack of Budweiser beer, Vagisil cream, and a package of Alka Seltzer in her purse, then exiting the establishment without making the requisite stop at the cashier’s counter.

She is currently being held in Land O’ Lakes jail, where no, you may not have cream cheese on your bagel, but you’re more than welcome to have a pat of butter or two.

“And what, do you suppose was the reason she might have shoplifted these items?” you might ask.  Because she didn’t have the money for them, you idiot, I’d say.

“Yes,” you may reply, “I am, indeed, an idiot, but what I meant was ‘why did she steal those particular items?'”

I’m glad you asked.  I think it’s safe to assume that Ms. Dolinger has some sort of vaginal yeast infection, hence the Vagisil.  As for the beer, well, some dudes require a bit of “lubrication” to perform oral sex on a woman.  Normally, two cans is enough for the not-very-squeamish.  However, given the situation with the yeast infection and the aesthetic challenges posed by her face, four to twenty is a safer bet.  Unfortunately, a case of beer is difficult to stash in a purse and they don’t sell Vagisil at liquor stores to my knowledge.

And the Alka Seltzer, well, it’s to relieve the feeling of nausea that might overcome one who is performing oral sex on a woman afflicted with such an infection.

Family Captures Moments After Worker Crushed By Carnival Ecstasy Elevator

The more you know.

It’s Friday, and that’s why I started it off with such a hard-hitting article.

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  • Zazen

    I say the four pack is so she can practice what my stripper friend calls the ‘beer trick’.

  • Man…she’s gotta be embrassed

  • NY_Mommy

    I need to know more about this ‘beer trick’. I am only privy to the ‘match trick’.

  • HotReadingMama

    Gross, Pete!

  • Sam

    Vagisil? She missed a trick here. All she had to do was chuck some barley in a bath and sit in it for a while. Hey presto – a bath full of homebrew!

  • HotReadingMama

    Gross, Sam!

  • daMonBrooks

    as a brewer- I have to say I pictured and was disgusted by your description.

    Well done friend.

  • Transducer

    Great news: according to the makers of Vagisil, 2 out of 3 women who think they have a yeast infection don’t even have one! Bad news: it could also be a bacterial infection : (

  • Gee

    I’m sorry but a 4 pack isn’t going to be enough! Beer goggles will not begin to form until after 6 at least

  • Transducer

    In order to properly ferment a 30 gallon batch of tub water, she needs to produce 1250 Billion yeast cells which is 500ml of liquid yeast. That’s a lot of yeast!

  • Sam

    Aaaand… NOW i’m grossed out. 😉

  • RachelAnnPrince

    great. there goes my appetite. im not eating anything til lunch !!!

  • Transducer

    Rogue is making a beer with yeast extracted from their brewmaster’s beard. Also gross?

  • Sam

    Depends. If the beard looks anything like the chin-o-pubes from yesterday’s sex offender, it’s a bit of same difference, isn’t it?

  • daMonBrooks

    I love rouge, but that’s pretty strange. I’m sure it will taste wonderful though.

  • Transducer

    It’s a mountain man beard.

  • This one’s kind of mean.

  • darkraven74

    Great write up! Although I was thoroughly grossed out by the pictures in my head I was still Lmfao!!!

  • Wait till she reads this..

  • She had a lot of yeast, she just didn’t have any bread yet to pay for things.

  • Zazen

    Well, since it earned her 800$ at a bachelor party once, it may come in handy to some as a life skill. Simply put, it requires keeping up on your Kegels and a mug o’beer so you can imitate a human fire hose. Once the show’s over and your mad earnings collected, she also suggests douching with plain yogurt to stave off the raging yeast infection you will get from the beer.

  • David

    ^ ^ ^ ^ This is one of the greatest posts I’ve ever seen on the interwebs.

  • come_and_see

    Like spreading a cheese sandwich.

  • Zazen

    I was doing my damndest to stick with the spirit of Pete’s article here; ‘more than anyone wanted to know’ indeed.

  • Well, the “aesthetic challenges” comment was uncalled-for, I admit…but if you’re going to shoplift Vagisil, beer, and Alka Seltzer, you’ve got to be willing to take your lumps gracefully.

  • I found this post to be the least nauseating of all.

  • I read your comment as “…Beer goggles wil not begin to form until after 6 at yeast.”

  • christopher whiteman

    say no more while i vomit in a bucket

  • christopher whiteman

    she lost the feeling of embarassment years ago

  • Jycorro

    Where is that slow clap gif when you need it! +1!

  • JGo555

    Saw the pic. Read the title of the story and thought: “Don’t tell me, LEATHER WALLET?”

    Off to read the story.

  • JGo555


  • Kwumey .

    what was the alka seltzer for? to keep the guy from thrown up after he went downtown on her rancid wasp nest?

  • Gross but not the worse human on the planet…

  • sweekymom

    She looks like she’s up to the task.

  • Transducer

    Haha! You made me chuckle. Thank you!

  • JustBrowsingLife

    I read this story and decided to forego the responses at first…… Curiosity got the better of me. I came back in and none to my surprise…. Bleck…Yuck….eweeeey…. Barf! Sad to admit…I will do it again . I must be a self abuser. Thanks for not letting me down.

  • And I thought she was making a homemade pizza out of it… It refers to anything that might be brewing in one’s imagination.

  • captaingrumpy

    Looks like ricotta they say?