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Volusia County, FL – Andrew Thomas, 32, who was a Florida Department of Children and Families (DCF) investigator, is accused of soliciting sexual favors from a woman who had purportedly failed her drug test.

He has been charged with bribery by a public servant, official misconduct and falsifying records.

Thomas, who appears to be suffering from a scorching case of alopecia, visited a 22-year-old New Smyrna mother on May 8th.  He informed her that he would love to be closing her DCF file, but that she had unfortunately failed a drug test.  He then allegedly made what must have seemed like a very attractive offer to her.

He reportedly said that he would submit his own urine as hers so she could pass the drug test in question, and all she’d have to do in return would be to let him put his penis in her.

Thomas then told the victim that he had named his penis “Mini Me” because of its head’s remarkable resemblance to the one on his shoulders.  I just made that last thing up.

“Yeah, he was scary. He seemed like he could have gotten aggressive and that’s why I was scared,” the victim told WFTV. “It’s not right. That’s not the way he’s supposed to do his job.”

“He was going so far to bribe this woman to get his own personal gratification of sex, which is definitely beyond the pale,” said Brandon Haught, with the Volusia County Sheriff’s Office.

I guess it’s time for me to withdraw my DCF job application.

The victim told investigators that she attempted to record the conversation with her cell phone, but that he caught on to what she was trying to do and made her delete the recording.  She also said that she removed her clothes, but that they never actually had sex.  Thomas then reportedly provided his urine and had the victim sign some paperwork acknowledging that she had passed the drug screening.

The next day, the victim called Thomas’s supervisors at DCF to report the incident.  The day after that, Thomas moved out of his residence and headed to Pennsylvania, supposedly to be with family.

When a Volusia County Sheriff’s investigator called Thomas in PA to interview him, he reportedly confirmed what the victim had said and told the officer that he had been “in a dark place. Drinking, doing drugs, and buying hookers every night.”

I was under the impression that you could only lease hookers.  It seems as though Thomas might also might be in need of a few lessons in investment strategy, as hookers tend to depreciate too rapidly to make outright purchase a sound financial decision.

Another woman has already come forward to report a similar incident with Thomas.  She claims that he called and texted her late at night, complimented her looks, asked her to go the beach with him (maybe so she could admire his completely hairless body), and alluded to massages and sex.

Thomas is currently being held in Pennsylvania, awaiting extradition back to Volusia County to face the charges against him.

One of the many odd parts of this story is that, if the reports are true, Thomas’s urine wasn’t even clean.

Anyone with information about additional such encounters is asked to contact the Sheriff’s Office at (386) 423-3301 or (386) 423-3888.

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Comments


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  • Transducer

    Naming your junk is never a good idea, especially when you call it Mini Me.

  • CT

    The only reason she found him to be scary was because she thought he could “get aggressive”?

  • Transducer

    The shaved eyebrows are a deal breaker for me. Would not hit.

  • darsa

    This is a lesson: Don’t do drugs, or nasty hairless men who look like walking slugs will hit on you. O.O

  • neenaP

    Sex with him? EWWWWWW

  • JohnQknowitall

    … and all she’d have to do in return would be to let him put his penis in her.

    How else was he supposed to get his urine to her?

    “Yeah, he was scary. He seemed like he could have gotten aggressive and that’s why I was scared,” the victim told WFTV. “It’s not right. That’s not the way he’s supposed to do his job.”

    I am not sure why the above statement seems out of place from a person on the police radar who is taking illicit drugs most likely bought on the street and cannot pass the test on her own. Not saying anything except it seems a skewed comment coming from her.

  • Califboy

    You girls better stop fighting over Mr. Potato head….

  • Gee

    “he reportedly confirmed what the victim had said and told the officer
    that he had been “in a dark place. Drinking, doing drugs, and buying
    hookers every night.”

    I am just wondering how his urine was going to pass? As far as leasing goes maybe he didn’t think he could stay under the mileage restrictions.

  • http://www.facebook.com/iheartgnarly1981 Wendy Blackwell

    How could have been doing drugs and provided this lovely young mother with clean urine? I’m guessing the hooker part is right though. It looks as though crabs may have caused a full face/head shave. Kudos,DCF.

  • come_and_see

    I’d hit that… with a hammer.

  • RachelAnnPrince

    ….i wouldnt do it even if i was a hooker.

  • SayAunt

    So Mr. Clean ain’t so clean after all.

  • Sam

    Oy. As if the apparition above wasn’t enough. He resembles Matt Lucas so much that I’m now imagining that bald hunk of manliness in an obese woman fat suit (see Bubbles DeVere)

  • Sam

    Oy. As if the apparition above wasn’t enough. He resembles Matt Lucas so much that I’m now imagining that bald hunk of manliness in an obese woman fat suit (see Bubbles DeVere)

  • daMonBrooks

    Judgmental Jessie says: she totally had sex with him

  • tinalib13

    Lol 😉 I prefer the Ken doll myself.

  • David

    But… she got nekkid and accepted his pee!

    So the hairless one may go to jail, but the rest of this story seems missing. Does Miss Nekkid Drug Test Failer lose her kids?

  • newstarshipsmell

    Fuck, I keep misreading the caption as “State Investigator Offers His Urine For Sex Change” out of the corner of my eye. Anyone wanna place bets how long it’ll be before that’s actually a real headline here?

  • curiousalways

    Pete, thanks for the laugh. Great write-up today and the best news is knowing I’m going to be taking all my financial planning needs to you from now on. I’ve totally been investing in hookers as 75% of my retirement portfolio. I had no idea they depreciate so rapidly, well I knew the amount of money I was having to invest in meth and crack to keep the ho’s happy have been biting into my current budget, but who knew it wasn’t going to be good for the long term. Thanks, thanks again for alerting me to my mistakes. Now off to sell a few ladies of the night. Any takers?

  • curiousalways

    why would he need to? just get put in prison and tax payers will be required to pay for the sex change. Sorry, my ass is still a little chapped about that latest development in the prison world.

  • newstarshipsmell

    Agreed. I am 100% pro-LGBT, but I think taxpayer-funded SRS for prisoners definitely falls somewhere above 110%. I have limits.

  • newstarshipsmell

    Look on the bright side, at least he wouldn’t clog your shower drain afterwards.

  • Andyman

    “He has been charged with bribery by a public servant, official misconduct and falsifying records.” It’s got to be a bitch to get a job after those charges. What a colossal fail.

  • curiousalways

    Can you imagine the precedent that is setting? And why should you be rewarded for being a criminal? I want to scream about the stupidity.

  • Pam

    Pete-you never cease to provide laughter to my days! Thank you!

  • Stormblast

    He looks like a dildo with ears!

  • Stormblast

    I’d hit it….with my Saab!

  • newstarshipsmell

    TBH, if reputable studies revealed that the costs of allowing transgender inmates to obtain SRS were definitely outweighed by savings in reduced recidivism, I would be all for it, as I strive to place practical considerations above how I feel things “ought” to be. But I would be skeptical of any such studies, as it doesn’t seem to me like it would be a common enough problem to generate the sorts of numbers that are statistically significant. Maybe someone with knowledge in this area could weigh in, since (as usual) I’m way too lazy to bother googling.

  • newstarshipsmell

    TBH, if reputable studies revealed that the costs of allowing transgender inmates to obtain SRS were definitely outweighed by savings in reduced recidivism, I would be all for it, as I strive to place practical considerations above how I feel things “ought” to be. But I would be skeptical of any such studies, as it doesn’t seem to me like it would be a common enough problem to generate the sorts of numbers that are statistically significant. Maybe someone with knowledge in this area could weigh in, since (as usual) I’m way too lazy to bother googling.

  • NY_Mommy

    She took off her clothes but didn’t have sex with him. Riiight.

  • Gee

    She plays a good victim doesn’t she…. :o)~

  • Gee

    Eyebrows are a hard limit for me too… Must have

  • David

    Your emoticon… are you drooling? With the picture of Andrew Thomas at the top of the page, I can hardly blame you.

  • David

    What models do you have? I’ll check the Blue Book value.

  • Gee

    Nope poor choice of emoticon

  • CT

    GI Joe. I like manly pretend men.

  • curiousalways

    Sadly, when I failed to disperse the hourly drug rations they seemed to scatter.

  • AssWho?

    Damn I was hoping to be the first MR. Clean reference

  • AssWho?

    Corruption in our court systems…no…..Im shocked

  • mandajayne

    What a clever guy! Bet he thought he’s stumbled upon the easiest ass ever – no dinner, no movie, no romance – just a cup of piss and a case load of women who are already on record for their poor life choices.

  • JGo555

    Lord Voldemort had a kid?

  • Kwumey .

    sorrry- the ken doll just had a civil union with GI joe

  • Kwumey .

    he looks like a pink thumb

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/WildlifeSeriaLKiller Darrell FIne

    DAMMIT MAN! Last story I read was about SANFORD, and now this goofy looking bald mother fucker is trying to pull some nookie at NSB… and he works for DCF…. meh… not really surprised. Probably hasn’t been laid in YEARS.

  • onlyme356

    There should be a law stating that if you look anything remotely close to this dude, you cannot work in ANY kind of social work environment.