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Mesa, AZ – Laurie Lee Kelly, 43, is facing charges of child abuse after buying beer for two transients in exchange for their babysitting services while she went on a mission for anonymous sex.

Kelly, the ravishing natural blonde to the left, who is employed as an instructional assistant at Whitman Elementary in the Mesa Public School District, purchased some beer on Tuesday for two transients and asked that they watch her six-year-old daughter while she “went to make money.”

She did not know her new employees previously, but it’s probably a good bet that alcohol will make just about anybody a better caretaker, so kudos to her for thinking on her feet.

Kelly was gone for approximately four hours, leaving her daughter in the extreme Arizona heat without food or water, while she reportedly had sex with a couple of men.

“She left her kid with total strangers,” witness Ronald Baker said. “I’m glad that we’re honest and protective.”

“She’s beautiful. She was fun. We ran around the park. She’s a wonderful child,” witness Maureen Wilson told CBS 5 on Thursday.

Police reports indicate that Kelly had hoped nothing bad would happen to her child, but that she was feeling a “manic sexual rage” she could not control and “needed to have sex.”  I guess she figured she’d turn her rage into a bit of spending money, kind of like Raging Bull or something.

I’m of the mind that the transients should also be charged for bogarting all the beer while they had a thirsty six-year-old in their midst.

Kelly, who has no previous record, made her initial hearing on Thursday and was released on the condition that she has no contact with anyone under the age of 16, including her daughter, who is currently in the care of her father.

If you need me, I’ll be roaming the streets of Mesa for the next few days.  You’ll have no problem identifying me as I’ll be the one wearing 5 condoms, carrying a head-sized paper bag, asking if anyone has change of a penny.

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  • LadyLeopard

    At least she managed to leave her daughter with people who didn’t make things worse by abusing the child. She needs to lose custody, next time her (random) choice of babysitters might not be on the benign side of humanity.

  • JGo555

    *claps*
    I just can’t believe it.

  • Snickering x Hydra

    “Manic sexual rage”

    How long did it take her to come up with that line?

  • EveryVillainIsLemons

    Helga grew up to be a ho. I wonder what Arnold thinks of that?

    Seriously, though, she’s lucky that those two transients were decent folks.

  • My_Mind_Speaks

    Though her name sounds like a ‘Little House on the Prairie’ character…She is no prairie mom…

    I guess common sense isn’t so common anymore…

  • Sam

    Left her without food and water? I don’t think so. She presented the girl with a nice, fresh, multi-course meal. She just forgot to pre-feed the child bath salts.

  • tinalib13

    “Manic sezual rage” Is that what they’re calling it these days? Huh, I thought it was called prostitution.

  • kimbev69

    Next time she will bring the child with her, I hope she doesn’t get her back

  • http://profiles.google.com/coldlogic HAL 9000

    The mother equated her daughter to her own pathetic self-worth: A fuck for $10 or somewheres about. So sad, I have to ask where in the hell is the dad when I hear about this shit going down!? Its depressing today how few men know, much more care, about the poor kids they make. And it leads to this.

  • Laura_RT

    Considering her apparent profession, she may not even know who daddy is…

  • JohnQknowitall

    I am so glad the father now has custody. Other than this incident this woman may have be a wonderful mom, but there are some underlying personality issues I hope have not become a part of the daughter’s core.

  • JohnQknowitall

    To be a prostitute doesn’t the person have to get money in exchange for sex?

  • JohnQknowitall

    I have read the articles twice and see nothing about prostitution. Where am I missing this? From what I have read she sounds like a sexual compulsive.

  • CT

    I won’t babysit for anything less than a 2 liter of vodka, a case of beer and some Cheetos.

  • Laura_RT

    “asked that they watch her six-year-old daughter while she “went to make money.” Second paragraph from the top…

  • tinalib13

    It says in the story that she left her child to “go make money”.

  • tinalib13

    Damn, I love Cheetos. I might have to change my babysitting fee.

  • CT

    Not a big fan of other people’s kids, hell, some days not a fan of my own. If I’m gonna watch someone’s kids that is my asking price. For some reason after I tell them the above, no one wants me anymore.

  • CT

    Has school started yet?

  • tinalib13

    Yes, I actually am sneaking my comments in while the kids are writing. I have a wonderful group of third graders.

  • JohnQknowitall

    Thanks. She gave a slightly different story to the police, but then who wants a prostitution charge too and who wants to tell two transient men that you want to have anonymous sex with men when you need a baby sitter? Sex trumps beer everytime. My next question is that if she had a job, why did she need additional money. The answer cannot be good. Thanks for the reference point and to people who made the coffee I finally drank.

  • JohnQknowitall

    This is a cut-n-paste of a response of mine that fits here too:
    Thanks. She gave a slightly different story to the police, but then who wants a prostitution charge too and who wants to tell two transient men that you want to have anonymous sex with men when you need a baby sitter? Sex trumps beer everytime. My next question is that if she had a job, why did she need additional money. The answer cannot be good. Thanks for the reference point and to people who made the coffee I finally drank.

  • Abroad

    The two transcients were Ronald and Maureen……

    And if I lived anywhere near them, I would look them up to buy them another round for being decent people.

  • sugarpie

    What better place to pick the transients than in a park. I’m sure pedo transients would never think to hang out there. When I go on my manic sexual quests, I prefer to drop the wee ones off the McDonalds playground.

  • curiousalways

    I have a third grader! I bet they are fun to teach.

  • curiousalways

    I’m at least giving her credit for not taking the little girl with her to watch, or to be sold. This woman works at an ELEMENTARY school. That’s a comforting thought!

  • curiousalways

    great write up Pete. I am a little pissed though, if you could see my hair today you would know why I took some of your writing a little personal.

    Note to self-call hair dresser immediately!

  • daMonBrooks

    As a sufferer of Bi-polar I often have bouts of manic hypersexuality, though it normally leaves me broke, full of shame, and a pending doctors appointment, never rage.

    Shes doing this mood disorder thing wrong.

  • ShelbySP

    Oh, my God. I just had to go back and re-read the article picturing Helga. This woman really is the cartoon come to life. Ow, right in the childhood…

  • http://www.facebook.com/HamsterNinjaofDOOM Alecia Hendricks

    I think I’ve scared off the neighbors kid, I heard him yelling at mine and was giving him the mommy glare of impending doom.

  • AliceinChainsman =]

    Holy cats Batman…thought that said Mensa ARIzona

  • AliceinChainsman =]

    Buwahahaha…

  • tinalib13

    What are you laughing at?? 😉

  • tinalib13

    They’re awesome! They still like school, and they LOVE their teacher lol. :)

  • tami

    what do you mean where is the dad? maybe he wasn’t with them ever thought of that? she’s with him now so obviously he did nothing wrong. he wasn’t there so he doesn’t care about the child? you’re so dumb YOU should be the one arrested :O my god. you’re like the idiots who got mad at the woman who went on a vacation and left her 10 month old baby with his GRANDMA. he was with his freaking grandma, doesn’t make her a bad mom ’cause she left him for a while. People are so annoyingly protective of kids these days it’s aggravating. protect them yes but don’t overdo it. the dad not being with the mom and little girl in this article had absolutely NOTHING to do with why this happened. *knocks on head* anyone home in there -_-

  • Operation Plumbbob

    I guess we can be thankful she took her “uncontrollable” urges off campus.