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Cooter Charged With Attempted Murder After Pot Roast Argument

August 7, 2012 at 10:46 am by  

Cooter Charged With Attempted Murder After Pot Roast ArgumentChattanooga, TN – Police have charged a man with attempted murder after they say he tried to kill his roommate during an argument over a pot roast. There’s not a lot of details surrounding the event, so I have embellished a bit.

When 66-year-old Robert “Cooter Brown” Cooper discovered that his roommate had eaten an entire pot roast, Cooter walked into the man’s room and pistol-whipped him as he slept.

“Cooter, didjee jus hit me wid dat pistol?” asked the roommate as he jumped out of bed. “Yesiree I did,” replied Cooter as he brandished the handgun. “An’ Ima fixin’ to put a new hole in ya’.”

“Well why in da world didgee go an do that fer?” the roommate inquired. “Becuz I wuz hankerin’s for some vittles but you dun gon an et ‘em all,” explained Cooter. “So nows Ima gunna clean yer plow!”

Cooter and the roommate got into a struggle that resulted in the roommate being able to eject the magazine from Cooter’s gun.

“Now watcha gunna do, Cooter?” the roommate asked.  ”I recon’ I’ll just shoot ya wid dis here bullet.” Cooter replied as he aimed the loaded gun at his roommate’s chest. That’s when another roommate intervened and was able to get the gun away from Cooter and eject the chambered round.

“Dadgum!” shouted Cooter as police took him into custody.

Cooter was charged with attempted murder and domestic assault and is currently sitting in the Hamilton County Jail.

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24 Comments

    Comments


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    • HotReadingMama

      Wow. It’s like I was right there.

    • JohnQknowitall

      Did’n Cooter plumb near git’way in the Gen-er-al Lee for’n thah police dun caught up’n w’him?

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=736546181 Michael Heldman

      I finally met a cooter I don’t like. This cooter looks like a shooter. When talking about cooter, are we talking pot roast or roast beef?

    • bored_stiff

      I once knew a Cooter “Brown” Yeti. In his case he was an Ass Licking Shit Goblin who tried to kill his roommate when said roommate refused to be pot roasted.

    • SayAunt

      Pot or pot roast? I’ll bet it was Cooter Brown’s brownies that was missing from the kitchen.

    • curiousalways

      Morbid, I didn’t know you spoke Bama. And don’t be stalking my family reunions anymore, I’m pretty sure you copied this word for word from the last one.

    • sugarpie

      I just hate it when some varmit eats all my viddles.

    • EveryVillainIsLemons

      Meat is expensive these days.

    • ultracreep

      My family used to use the saying “drunker than Cooter Brown.” Now I know who the hell they were talking about.

    • Wildheart

      Ass Licking Shit Goblin is my new favorite derogatory term.

    • OutOfBubbleGum

      Alone, miserable, and in jail, Cooter cried for he knew his family would never come to visit. He, from a long line of Cooters, was the first to screw up this badly. He had given away the family’s best kept secret. For hundreds of miles around Chattanooga, TN, folks would go out of their way to eat the famous Cooper family pot roast. For Southerners, their recipe wasn’t that special. It was a simply three step recipe where steps one and two can be exchanged, but step three always had to be step three! Step one, feed guest the pot roast. Step two, have guest drink one gallon of moonshine. Step three; use the butt handle of a pistol to tenderize the pot roast inside the guest’s belly. Dam, that’s good eatin’.

    • Zazen

      I know. I’m sitting here in silent awe at that masterful writeup.

    • http://www.hillbillyhotdogs.com/ unimpeachablegoodguy

      Dagnabbit! I’ll betcha DOLLARS TO DONUTS that newfangled technology, like the telephone had something to do with it!

    • captaingrumpy

      You really should write a book ,or even just a story .Maybe something from the “Swamp People”.They talk like that. Well done.

    • Snickering x Hydra

      That was sum mighty fine writin’ there, Morbid. Cooter couldn’t have explained it better himself.

    • JGo555

      Gross man & Morbid’s embellisment made him sound like the trash that he looks like.

    • The_Yeti_Knows

      In stiffy’s case it’s the first and last term on his birth certificate, resume and every report card during his 4 year grade school career.

    • The_Yeti_Knows

      I say you’re clearly no longer a closet case and are now openly idiotic there butt-cooter.

    • The_Yeti_Knows

      Actually, I’m the only butt cooter around here. I’m a big hairy stinky butt cooter and I apologize to you, Mr. Heldman for being such a camel’s ass.

    • RectumBOY_Heldman

      It’s not so bad in here, once you get used to that sulphurous semen aroma

    • The_Yeti_Blows

      Kind of like your breath, Rectumface.

    • RectumBOY_Heldman

      Shall I confess to my passionate night with the slightly warmed and hollowed out pot roast to all Yeti my man ? Everyone would understand, wouldn’t they ?

    • RectumBOY_Heldman

      Some of my most intimate moments have been spent with a nice warm potroast

    • eric ellers

      When it comes to a pot roast fight I’ll settle for nothing less the murder! Attempted murder? Pftt..must of been pretty dry?