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Palm Springs, FL – A 70-year-old woman is facing felony charges after being accused of using a pair of industrial scissors to try and cut off her husband’s dick.

According to reports, Virginia Valdez and her 62-year-old husband were engaged in some oral sex when Valdez said she wanted to go brush her teeth. When she returned, she was brandishing a pair of industrial scissors and used them to attack her husband’s penis.

Her husband jumped up and screamed in pain before running into the bathroom to grab a towel and use it to apply pressure to the wound. He drove himself to the hospital and called 911 while on his way there.

“The bitch tried to cut my dick off,” he informed the dispatcher.

He did not suffer any life-threatening injuries, but did receive four stitches and was released later that evening.

Officers arrested Valdez at the couple’s home without incident and she would be charged with assault with a deadly weapon and inflicting corporal injury on a spouse. She was later released on $100,000 bail and ordered to refrain from having any contact with her husband. She has plead not guilty to the charges and is facing up to nine year in prison if convicted.

The exact motive behind the hack job has not been given, but reports are that it involved an ongoing marital dispute between the couple who have been married for 32 years and have two children.

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  • LuvsHorror

    She could have just sent him to this pond with dick eating fish I was just reading about.

  • JohnQknowitall

    It always comes down to swallowing or spitting or the whole “anywhere else, but my mouth” thing.

  • Sam

    She went to brush her teeth in the middle of a blowjob? I’m guessing it’s a pube-hair-gone-wild situation that she was trying to tame. If only he hadn’t squirmed mid-pruning, none of this would have happened.

  • Sam

    Or at least making sure she’s ok with it BEFORE you forcibly shoot it down her throat.

  • CT

    I was thinking the same – first clue something is wrong is mid blowjob teeth brushing – men, take note.

  • CT

    Other than the WC Fields nose she is looking pretty good for 70. WTF, how do you not take cover as soon as you see her coming near your dick with a sharp instrument? Gentlemen, anyone want to field this question?

  • curiousalways

    maybe at 70 she was thinking “damn, I’ve been giving this guy head for 32 years! enough already, this things gotta go”.

  • David

    Sometimes you’re lying there with your eyes closed.

  • The_Yeti_Knows

    Last time a chick got up mid hummer, on me at least, was when ‘ol Clem rang the dinner bell up at the slobber factory.

  • David

    I’m pretty neurotic about being clean… ya know, just in case.

  • The_Yeti_Knows

    I usually advise to expect a gentle tap on the top of her head, problem is with her thick metal plate, more than sometimes I guess she just doesn’t feel it… oh well, least a Yeti tried. Good news is I always make sure she knows she can watch a few minutes of Leave it to Beaver with me before I insist she go back to her own cell.

  • CT

    Duly noted.

  • http://profiles.google.com/coldlogic HAL 9000

    Given that bath salts are in Florida’s water supply, the whole Granny brushes her teeth then goes all scissors makes total sense. Gramps is lucky he still has his face.

  • sugarpie

    I just don’t see me giving my ole’ man blowjobs when I’m 70. Isn’t that what the maids for?

  • The_Yeti_Knows

    I think he means just in case he meets a blind chick

  • Uncle_Clem_Yeti

    Ol’ Clem remembers remembers getting my bell rung after asking your wife for a little skull at the family barbecue. Shouldn’t have et those fermented apples. Then again a bro has a right to ask for a little cone from the sister in law, no? After all, if I member you was with her sis in the backseat of your ’85 Yugo anyway.

  • CT

    Damn @The_Yeti_Knows:disqus stop getting all jealous coz you know I don’t like hairy guys.

  • The_Yeti_Knows

    Clem …. damn … last time we heard from you was when you floated back downstream after 3 weeks of possum huntin… Those Virginia hillbillies done stretched you out good too… maw didn’t think you’d ever be able to leave the shed without a diaper.

  • David

    I ain’t hairy. ;-)

  • everjaded

    Eww! Do you think old mens’ pubes get all crazily overgrown, like their eyebrows, ear, and nose hair tend to do? ((shudder))

  • JGo555

    “…engaged in oral sex…” is NOT what women call: WAKING UP WITH A DICK IN YOUR MOUTH because he ” wanted to surprise her with oral sex in the morning”.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yl3UMO-TkE

  • newstarshipsmell

    I hate it when people post stuff like this without linking to it.

    Upvoted anyways ;)

  • Zazen
  • Sam

    Oh eww. Thanks for that image of a bunch of mad pubes shooting out of a wrinkly arsehole like an acacia tree.

  • newstarshipsmell

    Once again you rescue me from my own laziness.

  • DREAMY_BLUE

    Not to mention the fact that when he farted, the faint sounds of bluegrass could be heard. It was a mystery until the proctologist revealed to maw the fact that hillbillies love to do more with their banjos besides pluckin’.

  • tinalib13

    You know I love hairy men Yeti dear. Bring the spaghettios and the ice cream baby, cause it’s on!

  • tinalib13

    C’mon JGo you know you love some tea baggin in the mornin lol!

  • DREAMY_BLUE

    I’m sure the next item on the menu will be clitoris. With that in mind, going forward, I refuse to use the phrase “eat me”.

  • tinalib13

    You are so wrong lol.

  • tinalib13

    Yes, good thinking. Maybe tongue me would be more appropriate? ;-D

  • The_Yeti_Knows

    For you I’d be okay with us watching the whole episode, my fave is the one where June tells Ward she thinks he was a little hard on the Beaver last night …..

  • The_Yeti_Knows

    That’s what the wife’s sister is for, or the girl at the supermarket, or the Florist lady, she can take her teeth out, that’s cool.

  • The_Yeti_Knows

    I have a forked tongue, not all Yetis do . Now Dreamy ? Her’s is likely rough enough to strip wallpaper, but whatever floats your vulva.

  • The_Yeti_Knows

    Dear God you two should write a column… call it “crazy chicks stomp dicks.”… I’ll expect to see it on the supermarket shelf come fall. Might be a market for it with the Sunday Church goers and the like, they need to get out once in a while.

  • The_Yeti_Knows

    I usually leave enough in the drain to warm an orphanage…. And just for you I’ve requested Ernest Borgnine’s eyebrows for your collection, after the funeral of course.

  • The_Yeti_Knows

    She’s not much for cheesy either I bet, but hey, tell her you have a corvette, we’re sure that’s next.

  • The_Yeti_Knows

    Dreamy’s cotton mouthed stoned today everyone… Seen Ted ? You could be our stuffed kitty..

  • The_Yeti_Knows

    I tried that with the new maid last week, the neighbour’s new maid that is ……. too soon ?

  • lyssdexia

    WTF are “industrial scissors?” And why, for the love of potatoes, would anyone keep them in the bathroom?

  • tinalib13

    My Yeti, you do know how to push my buttons. The whole episode huh?

  • tinalib13

    A forked tongue huh? As in it can hit everywhere at once? Good lord Yeti, you’re wife IS a lucky woman.

  • tinalib13

    Oh Yeti, you know just what to say to a girl. Blush.

  • tinalib13

    Hmmm now don’t forget the butcher’s wife. We don’t want to leave her out.

  • The_Yeti_Knows

    Oh yes we do, crazy bitch wears a holster and with all those yellow teeth I’m thinking even I’ll take a pass… On another note, I have a stump I’m sure she can pull out for me, with her thighs !

  • bored_stiff

    How many stitches did it take to sew back on little yeti after your wife caught you (and went after you with the weed whacker) with Oprah?

  • The_Yeti_Knows

    Why do you suppose she keeps threatening to staple it to my forehead ? I haven’t regained consciousness in the flowerbed in weeks !

  • The_Yeti_Knows

    Long enough for leah to make us a nice grilled cheese.. and not just any grilled cheese either… The kind with wings to keep them in place and everything.

  • bored_stiff

    Yet if you ask her, she says she actually prefers Clem.

  • Castille

    You know, with that take on it, suddenly the whole incident seemed to make so much more sense to me

  • Eliza Berntsen

    I know it for a fact that yes, yes they do. Also, their balls dangle around their knees.

  • Eliza Berntsen

    Bush maintenance?

  • everjaded

    Ha! Sorry, had to share that visual once it entered my head (misery loves company, and all).

  • everjaded

    Damn! It was a question I really didn’t want the answer to, I’m now realizing.

  • Eliza Berntsen

    You’re more than welcome.

  • blubberdong

    I call that move my “lip-lock alarm clock.”

  • blubberdong

    Don’t worry. Most men couldn’t find that thing with a road map and a magnifying glass.

  • JGo555

    *Sighs* You know me so well! :)

  • onlyme356

    My first reaction is to call her a crazy bitch, but because this is an ongoing marital problem I’m wondering what exactly it is he said or did to her. I’m not justifying her behavior, clearly it’s wrong, but I’m very interested in knowing what the hell she was thinking. What mader her that angry?

  • onlyme356

    It’s those big scissors with the black handles all steel. I’m guessig they normally don’t keep them in the bathroom, but maybe she planned it. Afterall, she did say she was going to wash her mouth, looks like she needed an excuse to go and grab them.

  • The_Yeti_Knows

    Nah, you’d be surprised what a handful of crazy glue, a fifth of Hungarian quadruple malt moss squeezings and a half bottle of ibuprofen will help cure.

  • onlyme356

    I feel bad for their kids, even though they’re grown I’m sure it’s TMI that mom and dad are still getting down like that, then to think about mom pulling out some hedgeclippers on dad and all..

  • tinalib13

    HOw discriminating of you Yeti. You impress me more and more.

  • tinalib13

    Dangggg! Now that’s my kind of alarm clock!

  • tinalib13

    Sigh…I love you Yeti.

  • tinalib13

    Oh HELL yes!! Who wants to know that business? Yuuuucccckkk!!

  • blubberdong

    The recipient is initially hit with what feels like two tennis balls in a tube sock and then fully aroused by a choking sensation.

  • tinalib13

    Is that like fellatio asphyxiation…?

  • defenestratethis

    When my best friend found out his lover was cheating, he took him to a nice hotel, got him very drunk and naked, waited till he passed out, then superglued his penis to his hand. He then left the room, taking all of his partners clothes, phone and wallet as well. I never piss off my best friend.

  • patti schaeffer

    Granny goes HAM!

  • http://www.facebook.com/michael.bonisteel Michael Bonisteel

    “…she would be charged with assault with a deadly weapon and inflicting corporal injury on a spouse.”
    ,
    Why is it when a man yells at his wife/girlfriend/lover he is charged with domestic violent but when a
    woman stabs, cuts off, or kills her husband/boyfriend/lover ect.. she is never
    ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever charges with domestic violent???

    What will happen is SHE will claim domestic violent and even though there is no no evident of any violent on his part, she will get off with a not guilty verdict and will need to take a tour of Alcatraz if she wants to see what the inside of a jail cell looks like.

    Read more: http://www.dreamindemon.com/2012/07/09/woman-accused-cut-husbands-penis-pair-scissors/#ixzz2R7CwmOOW
    Under Creative Commons License: Attribution
    Follow us: @dreamindemon on Twitter | thedreamindemon on Facebook