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WAUKEGAN, IL — The father in Illinois who used a needle and thread to sew his teenage son’s ass shut has avoided jail time by taking a plea.

Back in 2008, 52-year-old Randy Swopes employed a particularly crude home remedy on his 14-year-old son’s ass that ended with his son staying in the hospital for a spell and him getting charged with aggravated battery.

The boy suffers from Crohn’s Disease and at the time of the incident he was also suffering from a fistula. I’m guessing an anal fistula, which is not only a decent name for a death metal band, it is also very painful.

Instead of taking the boy to the hospital for treatment, Swopes went the ‘Tussin route and brought out some needle and thread that he used to sew his son’s butt shut.

Not surprisingly, this resulted in an infection that landed the boy in the hospital for a month and Swopes getting himself arrested.

Last Friday, Swopes represented himself in court and took an Alfred plea, the kind of plea where someone doesn’t have to plead guilty but admits that there is enough evidence to convict them.

He was looking at a possible five year stint in prison, but now he will only have to serve 24 months of probation and 250 hours of public service.

I know times are tough all over and that Swopes may not have had the money, or insurance, to cover the costs of his son’s medical issue. But come on…

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  • Erica Gieras

    How does anyone come to the conclusion that THIS would be the best way to fix this problem?? How did he get the kid to remain still enough to even do this?? This is just so cruel. I hope that poor boy never has to see this guy again!

  • Steph[anie]

    He’s lucky he got that plea deal, or he would have been begging to have his own ass sewen shut right about now.

    What an absolute moron. That poor kid.

  • HotReadingMama

    This guy successfully defended himself. That is the stand out point of this whole tale. 

  •!/AngelsMom0806 Angels Mom

    What a maroon!

  • Cedric

    “Illinois Man Takes Plea After Sewing His Teenage Son’s Butt Shut”

    Wow – Shit was getting deep.

  • Tina Wech

    Can you say MO-RON? I’m surprised he didn’t try a cork.

  • Tina Wech

    oops guess I shuold’ve read your post before I commented.  Sorry to be repetitive! :)

  • rensuchan

    Actually I don’t think much shit was getting out at all.

  • Michael Heldman

    That’s a shitty thing to do.  Crohn’s is terrible enough without this shit sack adding more pain.  I wonder what fecal excuse he used in court to avoid the full on sentence?  They should just hand this kid a taser for whenever this piece of excrement gets out.

  • Cedric

    There’s something wrong here (like you don’t already know)The whole idea of  being able to take a needle and thread, then get a 14 year old to let you sew his asshole shut seems improbable to me.Let me tell you guys what really transpired here on the day in question.While sitting around drinking some lemon-aid,and smoking some Shrooms father and son got the unfortunate idea that it would be really cool to sew the back pockets closed on the boys jeans … hours later when the lemon-aid had worn off they realized that the jeans pocket had been totally missed.Come on admit it – my version makes way more sense than the actual version of the story.Your Honor – I rest my case.

  • lespacino

     Especially an Alford plea, they aren’t used/accepted very often. That just makes the case all the more confusing to me. I wonder why the judge would accept it. There must be a lot more to the story.

  • Heather_Habilatory

     How is this not some sort of assault that warrants prison time? Because it was his own kid? I bet if he’d sewed someone else’s butt shut, he’d be doing time. Why is it more tolerated to harm your own progeny?

  • Cedric

     That was my point rensuchan – the kids eyes were starting to turn brown.

  • Snickering_Hydra

     Luckily the Dad was a do-it-yourself handyman.

     If he’d been, say, more of a sexual deviant he might have gone rooting through his closet for an appropriately sized adult toy. I can guarantee that if that was the case the charges would’ve been very different.

  • Cedric

     Taser – I vote for a pistol … the guy lacks common sense to the point that he should be snuffed out for everyone’s safety … makes me wonder how smart this Judge is.

  • Cedric

    Seems like about the same thing to me … I suspect the guy was getting his rocks off doing this weird ass shit to his child.

  • Tina Wech

    Yes, and why was his son not taken away?  Or was he and I missed that?  This guy should have at least lost custody of his kid.

  • Tina Wech

    lol it’s so fucked up, it’s actually believable. Although the original story is pretty fucked up too.  I like your version better Ced. It’s way more fun!

  • Tina Wech

    Hell yes!  His ass would’ve have been thrown in jail, which is where it should be now.

  • chgplz

    Just Damn….That left me speechless. 

  • Heather_Habilatory

    I’ve looked at a couple different sites and found no info on if the kid was taken away.

    The actual incident took place in January 2008 when the son was 14, so he’s 18 now.

  • JohnQknowitall

    My intuition tells me this bastard didn’t sew his son’s buttocks together, but instead the kid’s anus. The pain had to be excruciating and seemingly endless and humiliating. The 14 year old probably had diarrhea and/or severe gas and/or anal leakage – none of which are the child’s genetic fault.

    I cannot believe that this abuse is taken so lightly by the court as to give this lame a sentence. This, imho, is worse than the general beating of a kid where the injuries are superficial (though case by case would play a role in my judgement).

    Is the father the soul breadwinner in what I hope is now a divorced family? Is he ordered to not have contact with any of his underage children? Did his now 18 year old son plead mercy for his father?

  • Cedric

     This dumb fuck deserved a straight up ass whooping .

  • Tina Wech

    I wondered the same thing John.

  • Tina Wech

    Thanks for checking Heather. :)

  • CT

    ” Anal fistula, which is not only a decent name for a death metal band”  Morbid, now I feel really bad for laughing about this poor kid and his bad butt, thanks, thanks a lot.  

  • CT

    Reading this made me clench my butt muscles closed tightly.  

  • megaflytron

    Sounds like he took a swope at dat ass…

    ba dum dum

  • Heather_Habilatory

    You bet. I was curious about that, too. 

  • DangerousKindOfSnark

    Eh, I bet they’d be shitty. 

  • Denise Madej

    That’s absolutely insane… probation??????  That woman got 10-20 yrs for a warning shot against her abusive husband and this guy does harm and gets probation???? What is wrong with our justice system.

  • Zazen

    To me it sounds like the father was actually not sewing the kid’s anus shut, he was trying to sew the fistula shut. This fistula likely went from his intestine, with the opening near his anus. Basically after the Dad sewed it up, there was still that raw wound in the boy’s flesh which opened into his colon. For those of you able to visualize that, ‘Oh shit’ would be the right thing to say.

    That boy’s lucky he didn’t die from the infection.

  • Wildheart

    Not to be nitpicky, but it’s an “Alford” plea – the same kind of plea the West Memphis 3 took.  Which is bullshit in this case because how could they have not had enough evidence to take this douche to trial and win without having to offer him a plea?  I’m hoping it was done that way to spare the poor kid from testifying in open court.

    However I do agree that anal fistula is an awesome name for a band!

  • Wildheart

    Ohhhh so maybe he wasn’t trying to sew up the kid’s anus entirely because of the Crohn’s, but just the fistula which was probably severely aggravated by the Crohn’s symptoms.  Well now I kind of understand, but still don’t agree with, the probation sentence. Still a ridiculously asinine solution and one most normal people wouldn’t even think of.

    Thanks for clearing that up Zazen :)

  • Zazen

    Riiight. He was basically trying to save himself a medical bill by practicing surgery in his own home. Unfortunately this wasn’t like trying to sew up a deep cut. Basically it was a second opening from his intestines to the outside without the benefit of intestinal lining and a sphincter. Sewing up the outer end of the hole to keep the poop in wasn’t the end of the problems.

  • sweekymom

    JMJ!  That kid’s lucky to be alive.  The drugs used to treat Crohn’s lower immunity, which is bad enough for a person a disease that attacks the germiest part of the body.  But to then have some douche of a ‘rent sew up an open fistula with a needle and thread, well, the mind just boggles.

    Sometimes I just don’t understand our justice system: do judges and prosecutors just see so much of this that it begins to lose it’s horror for them?  Is that how a bastard like this one can damn near kill his own kid, take an Alford plea and get 2 years probation?   ‘Cause if that’s the case, maybe we should have lay people involved in deciding whether to take plea deals and doling out sentences. 

    He ought to be serving time for this.

  • Catelyn

    I really hope, NO, fuck that! WHO THE HELL SEWS THEIR SON’S BUTT SHUT!!  

  • BooBooKittyFuck

     You wouldn’t have to clench if you’d just gets your ass cheeks hemmed…

  • takurospirit

    Well obviously the man is no genius so perhaps he’s unaware, but I grew up in this very town and as it’s in the state of Illinois we have this little program called AllKids. Basically the boy could have been on Medicaid for children until age 19. If you want to know more about this “glorious” little burb on the lake shore go get a book called “Lake Effect”. I’d like to say we’re where the north shore stops being “North Shore” but I think North Chicago wins that title. Maybe it’s all the particulate matter pollution clogging up his brain space that made him think sewing up his own kid’s anal wall was a grand plan. I read particulate pollution severely and negatively impacts cognitive function. 

  • RydoLarsson

    Three letters to sum up this story…… LOL

  • CT

    I imagine that having no usable ass would put one in a bad mood and I have enough attitude issues as it is according to some folks

  • BooBooKittyFuck

    I heard it’s possible to crap out of your mouth…and not like the shit that comes out of mine…like real deal turds.

  • Zazen

    Lol, then they need to make this guy their case study. He’s a damned idiot.

  • CT

    I would think that could only involve a really fucked up medical emergency?

  • Lil Bit

    So.. he traumatized his kid and permanently scarred him in many ways, and all he gets is two years of visits with a probation officer? I hope the poor kid’s given his choice as to whether to emancipate himself. He shouldn’t have to live with someone who would do that to him.

  • Lil Bit

    Yeah. If a person can be proven guilty of a crime this heinous, they shouldn’t be out in society. He’ll hurt someone again. He obviously has no understanding of or respect for the human body.

  • Cassinique Cunningham

    how does one sew a butt shut though?

  • Michael Heldman

    Time for a demonstration.

  • Amanda Hastings Standridge

    He took an Alford Plea – Alfred never helped anyone during arraignment.