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Drunk Teen Arrested After She Bit Her Mother Then The Family Dog LAKE IN THE HILLS, Ill – A teen in Illinois was arrested after she came home drunk, bit her mother and then bit the family dog several times.

Officers were responding to a home at around 4 a.m. Sunday after neighbors called to report loud screaming and pounding. There they encountered a 37-year-old woman who had been physically assaulted by her 19-year-old daughter, Analise J. Garner.

She said the pair had gotten into an argument after Garner arrived home late and drunk. This altercation resulted in Garner punching her mother in the face and biting her hand. But she wasn’t the only one in the home to be assaulted by Garner’s mouth.

Police Garner also chewed on the family’s 80-pound English bulldog. According to police, there were several visible bite marks on the dog. As a result, the dog bit back and Garner was treated at the scene for a bite wound on her arm. Because the dog bit her, standard procedure dictated animal control be notified.

“The dog was defending himself,” police Sgt. Mark Smith said. “She’d already bit him a few times. The dog was not charged.” o_O

Garner was arrested and charged with animal cruelty, two counts of domestic battery and underage drinking. She has since been released on $3,000 bond and will be back in court on May 23.

I bet this girl is popular with the boys. She’s rebellious, parties hard and has a name like Blowjobina. But I was always wary of the underage girls that hung around our crowd back in the days of first being able to drink legally — when you could be held accountable for their actions.

I still fondly remember a nightmare I went through when I was 21 and my not-quite-legal-to-drink-never-been-drunk-before girlfriend took three too many shots from some Tequila me and my roommate had purchased for a party later that night.

We freaked out and tried to sober her up with food but she ended up crawling out of the sunroof while in a Taco Bell drive-through and puking all over the windshield. She slid down the hood of the car in her own vomit like a friggin’ Slip & Slide.

That part was kind awesome, if not extremely nauseating, but then she tossed a chunk of concrete through the Bell’s storefront window because she was angry at the curb she had tripped over and the fact that she had involuntarily pissed herself.

I learned a valuable lesson that next day that helped me through various scrapes over the years. Lawyers are often worth every penny.

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Comments


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  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Zach-McLemore/100001942699604 Zach McLemore

    Dumb drunk chicks are funny.

  • OutOfBubbleGum

    As the sirens blared before ending in quiet solitude and as the last screen door shut dragging away a drunk, the left king size pillow said to the right, “She ain’t eating us tonight.  Thank God, we’re safe.”

  • Sam

    I blame Twilight.

  • EveryVillainIsLemons

    19, getting drunk, and assaulting her family members and family pets?  It sounds like somebody needs to leave the nest, preferably for a jail cell and some psychiatric treatment.

  • http://truecrimereport.com iLLusionS

    I am glad the dog bit her ass back!! That pleases me…

  • Sam

    Or, rehab.

  • JGo555

    Where’s the family dog that rips off faces when you need him!?

    Mom, I hope your ass didn’t pay to bail her out & I hope you kick her outta the house.

  • JohnQknowitall

    My guess is that getting her drunk and expecting a blow job from her is not necessarily a very good idea.

  • kimbev69

    lol so friggen funny…i hope my daughter doesn’t bite me….someday

  • curiousalways

    Morbid, I didn’t know you dated Lindsay Lohan……

  • sugarpie

    I can’t believe she’s not married yet.  What a catch!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jennifer-Grotpeter/1618113467 Jennifer Grotpeter

    I am reminded of the time one of my young friends blew chunks all over my (mother’s) bathroom and then insisted that we take her to the ER.  “I’M PUKING BLOOD!!!” she sobbed, “I’M GONNA DIE! You gotta take me to the hoshpidal!”
    “Sue,” I said, “what did you drink tonight?”
    “Vodka, loshts of vodka…”
    “And how did you drink it?”
    She perked up “In a cherry slurpee!” She grew pensive… “cherry slurpee… it’s the cherry slurpee! I’m a not gonna die! I love you! You’re my best friend!”
    And it was nighty-night time for Sue…

    (BTW, she bit an English Bulldog? I have had several of them over the years, they are sweet and passive dogs. The only time one ever bit anyone was when my husband had a few cocktails and was getting in the dog’s face. I think bulldogs don’t like drunks.)

  • http://twitter.com/tinalib13 Tina Wech

    You got that right.  We had a friend who got a blow job from an extremely drunk girl, and she puked all over him.  Ewwww.

  • AngelsMom0806

    If she lived here she would have been. Men here like a feisty broad.

  • DangerousKindOfSnark

    I never got violent when I drank, but I know people who did and they just don’t get drunk anymore. Sounds like she needs to lay off the wine coolers.

  • Shelby Burns

    LOL Morbid’s story was more entertaining than the actual news bit! 

  • pikeman

    They need to pair her up with the dude who bites lips off.  

  • pikeman

    This must be the bitch Alice cooper is singing about in his new song.

    http://www.elyricsworld.com/i%27ll_bite_your_face_off_lyrics_alice_cooper.html

  • Zazen

    I think even a sweet, passive bulldog knows when it’s getting the fuck bitten out of it. I mean, she left bite marks on that dog’s back! O.o

  • pikeman

    She licked her lips, they were bloody red
    She had the heart of the living dead
    She pushed me down on a burning bed
    Thought I was in heaven, but instead
    She turned her head and she softly said

    I’ll bite your face off
    I’ll bite your face off
    I’ll bite your face off-little man
    I’ll bite your face off-you know that I can

    Heh.

  • Zazen

    Shit, that’s a great idea. They’ll prolly start right off arguing about whose eyebrows are more artfully shaped.

  • pikeman

    I’m pretty sure he’d win that contest. I think the only eyebrows I’ve seen more carefully manicured was Spock’s.

  • pikeman

    “Never bite the dog who you feed.”

    That should be a saying.

  • pikeman

    Yeah, well it’s all fun and games until she gives you a blow job.

  • CT

    I have to say that it appears that he does a better job with the shaping but she gets points for the Cindy Crawford type mole.  

  • CT

    Leave the poor dog out of it next time.  Someone let the dog at her one more time so that it can do something about that smug look on girly mctwatface.  Do you think I should have capitalized Girly McTwatface? 

  • onlyme356

    What’s the dog do? Dumb bitch, if only the dog would have attacked her more.

  • Coyote

    Good doggie

  • DangerousKindOfSnark

    Where is your avatar, I keep having to do a double take. 

  • AngelsMom0806

    Had to figure out how to use disqus. I usually just sign in through twitter but my mobile devices won’t let me.

  • broken

    Oh my, what a savage! She has to have a black parent! She just has to!

  • Pyncky

    Talk about biting the hand that feeds you.

  • Babydoll0630

    I’m just waiting for the day I see one of my sisters on here…….dumb drunk bitches.  LOL.  <3

  • Abroad

    Affirmative on the capitalization!

  • warbonds

    I’de put a muzzle on her than hit it….lol

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002752616869 Hung Gia Duong

    By then it’s your penis that starts to feel funny.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002752616869 Hung Gia Duong

    All and all, she IS worth considering getting a blowjob from when she sobers up.

  • pikeman

    Yes, in a bad kind of way.

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