Heidi Creamer Arrested After Fight With Twin Sister Over VibratorHeather Green Tried To Comfort Her Two Sons As They Died In Trailer FireHiawatha Robinson Accused Of Killing His 8-Year-Old Daughter While Sexually Assaulting HerBrooke Baures Killed After Head Was Crushed Inside DumbwaiterFurry Convention Evacuated After Intentional Chlorine Gas AttackElderly Sex Offender Accused Of Stalking 11-Year-Old Boy For Two YearsCatastrophically Injured Good Samaritan Acquitted By Judge For "Attacking" CopTiffany Vanalstyne, 19, Accused Of Strangling Her 5-Year-Old Cousin To DeathJanet Posey Accused Of Trying To Profit Off Death Of Jessica ChambersBrooke Dinkel Sentenced To 13 Years In Jail For Sex With 13-Year-Old Student

Lilbourn, MO — I’m a little late with this one because I somehow managed to miss it. But seeing as how Dakota Valkyrie mentioned it during Saturday’s drunkcast, I figured I’d throw it up. Literally… kinda.

The smokin’ hot mass of flesh to the left is 48-year-old Melissa Eaton (no pun intended) — she’s been accused of boinkin’ a teenage boy on a fairly regular basis for the past two years. No, I don’t know if he’s stupid, blind and/or mentally impaired…

According to authorities, the heavenly beast began violating the boy back in April of 2010, when he was just 13, and continued until February of this year. Investigators and juvenile authorities believe the two hooked up for nookie (and cake?) at least twice a week.

Eatin’ pleaded not guilty to more than a dozen charges of statutory rape and sodomy late last week. I do believe the beast is still caged. And hongry.

I realize most teen boys will hit anything warm and squishy, but damn….

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  • Ivan

    Each to their own, oh well…

  • Pyncky

    I have been young and stupid and drunk and horny, but on the worse day I have never been enough of these together to think THAT was a place I would want to visit.  (my weener just whimpered and tried to crawl inside to hide somewhere safe.)

  • beatlechick

    EYE BLEACH! Then regular bleach. I just threw up.

  • kimbev69

    almost became a girl huh?

  • kimbev69

    bejesus christmas

  • aka jas

    Definition of SODOMY
    : anal or oral copulation with a member of the same or opposite sex; also : copulation with an animal

    Ugh….yuck!

  • http://twitter.com/tinalib13 Tina Wech

    That’s a man baby!

  • http://akemi-mokoto.me Akemi Mokoto

    EWWWW, THAT IS DISGUSTING! LOOK AT IT! D:

  • http://twitter.com/tinalib13 Tina Wech

    So in this instance, all definitions apply?

  • newstarshipsmell ™

    Nice ‘stache, Melissa.

    TBH, I never even considered the ramifications of DFH Theory + Female Offenders…

  • HazelHoppinflapper

    Is it me or does she look a little like John Candy? May he rest in peace.

  • pikeman

    Holy Shit! That’s a woman? Looks like more inbreeding by them thar Missouri hill folk.

    I’m really curious to see this teenage boy. How the hell did he even get it up?????

  • JohnQknowitall

    The kid should be arrested for beastiality.

  • newstarshipsmell ™

    My perversely vivid imagination thanks you sarcastically.

  • Zazen

    I had to laugh when DV linked that in chat for you during the podcast, Jaded. She must have you pegged XD

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mary-E-Kagiannis/1386642830 Mary E. Kagiannis

    Are you sure that’s a woman??

  • pikeman

    She needs to meet that hot threesome where the daughter was being pimped out for cigarette money. Why, they would all be in Hambeast Heaven! Suuueeee 0oink oiiink!

  • http://twitter.com/tinalib13 Tina Wech

    tehehehehe…you’re very welcome.  I wanted to share the joy you know.

  • HazelHoppinflapper

    Nope, it’s Uncle Buck.

  • pikeman

    The only time I see women that look like that, is at Wall Mart, usually wearing some hideous outfit, liked striped huge shorts and an awful pink top, and they usually have a few other friends, or relatives like them. It is a very good reason NOT to shop at Wall Mart.

    Run Awaaaay!

  • pikeman

    John Candy and Chris Farley mixed together.

  • http://profiles.google.com/coldlogic HAL 9000

    “Ichi-waka, enewa Solo? Oooh-ooh-ooh!”

  • pikeman

    I hate to say this, because it’s not PC, but, to put it bluntly, she looks retarded.

  • Texas Ranger

    I WAS feelin a lil horny and thinkin of how to get Mrs. Ranger cornered tonight. but now….got nothin. If her womanly goodies are anything like her mustache and eyebrows….you know what?…I’m gonna delete that mental image right here and now.

  • Sorrow_discord

    I understand that teenage boys will damn near stick it anything, but I would think that she is the thing that all males would try to imagine when they get a pesky erection and need it to quickly go away…

    Men please tell me…How drunk would you have had to be to stick your dick anywhere near that beast? 

  • Sorrow_discord

    That place will pretty much destroy ones sex drive.  -shudders- And as my boyfriend always asks, why the hell is it always the nasty ass beasts that have to display ass crack, cleavage, and tight clothing. 

  • OutOfBubbleGum

    “Eatin’ pleaded not guilty to more than a dozen charges of statutory rape and sodomy late last week.”

    At trial, to prove her innocence, Melissa Eaton pulled out a television remote control covered in teenager semen.
    “I’m innocent Your Honor; technically the kid was only fornicating with one of my rows of fat.”
     

    {You can’t believe how much that I wanted to use “You’re Honor” or “You are Honor.”}

  • MuMuGuy

    I hope that the boy didn’t lose his virginity to this woman. If he did, then he’ll never be able to live down the fact that his first was a Sam Kinison look-alike.

  • EveryVillainIsLemons

    God in Heaven, she must have bribed him with booze or some damn good weed.  I’m fat and ugly, but this creepy pedo bitch makes me look like Miss Universe.

  • rensuchan

    Oh dear God, why?  I hope the poor boy was at least blindfolded so he could imagine hot chicks as this was going on…

  • Texas Ranger

    Ugh, another disgusting thought hit my brain while gazing at her pic like a fatal car wreck….You KNOW she’s a mouth breather…AND… her breath smells like a septic-tank brew of Pall-Malls, instant Coffee and Ranch flavored Doritos… The Sodomy part… *gag* you know she aint been able to wipe her ass in years…*vomit* …I’m done now.

  • aka jas

    EXACTLY where I was going!

  • http://twitter.com/tinalib13 Tina Wech

    Go to YouTube and watch The People of Wal Mart video. You get to see tons of people who make you want to run away lol.

  • http://twitter.com/tinalib13 Tina Wech

    Oh my, and I thought my comment was nasty.  Jeeeeezus.  I think I just vomited in my mouth a little!  Thanks Ranger (said sarcastically)

  • LeaveMeBe

    omg! I think I wet my pants! I knew I should’va gone to the bathroom before checking back on the comments.

  • darsa

    I have a sister in law that looks like that.  True story; if she tried bleaching her hair, truly a twin.  *gags*

  • HazelHoppinflapper

    She looks like she ate somebody that ate somebody.

  • LeaveMeBe

    I just made an appointment with a chiropractor. I was leaning too close to the screen when that mug popped up and I jolted so hard I pulled something in my neck.

    ETA: Dear babyjesuswhoartinheaven, I’m having a real hard time being kind today. Please hug me in your strong arms. Amen.

  • http://twitter.com/DeathMagnetic0 Death Magnetic Zero

    I think I’d rip both my balls off before I’d consider messing with that obese skank. Not enough alcohol in the world to make that look attractive. SMH….

  • DangerousKindOfSnark

    Oh, I had forgotten about that. Damn you sir, damn you.

  • Tenbux

    I’d hit it.

    With a brick.

  • DangerousKindOfSnark

    As if he couldn’t smell it?

  • sugarpie

    ugh

  • pikeman

    Hell, that was one of the more memorable articles recently.

  • rensuchan

    A brick is a good idea.  I would normally say a baseball bat at the end of that statement, but you can get farther away with a brick which means less chance of being attacked by foul odors, diseases, etc.

  • rensuchan

    I think the alcohol poisoning would kill me before I was drunk enough.

  • Eliza Berntsen

    I would pay good money (at least 2 cigarette packs) to see that go down.

  • Califboy

     trick or treat- scary ass bitch,I bet she has more body hair then a gorilla.

  • Eliza Berntsen

    Because it’s not like they have anything to lose.

  • Califboy

     I would welcome vomit in my mouth if I had to kiss her.

  • newstarshipsmell ™

    Well anyways, thanks for copying the image to my brain before you deleted it; unfortunately I apparently lack the requisite file-permission to delete it from my memory as well.

  • Califboy

     nasty nasty nasty, but true.

  • Eliza Berntsen

    You also know that after you hug her your hands are left full of crease cheese crusts.

  • Califboy

     I’d kiss Sam way before that hambeast.

  • Califboy

     Mind bleach !

  • newstarshipsmell ™

    Yeah, she really casts Lisa Carroll in a relatively more attractive light, doesn’t she? Sort of? A little bit?

    http://www.dreamindemon.com/2012/04/13/maryland-woman-nabbed-banging-16yearold-florida-boy/

  • sugarpie

    Makes me want to puke to know he’s been boning her for 2 years!  Have some dignity man.  Poor kid will surely be attracted to animals for the rest of his life.

  • newstarshipsmell ™

    Haha, well maybe Morbid should court adult incontinence product manufacturers for advertising – since apparently there’s a market here?

  • LeaveMeBe

    Possibly. I had already used all my (unused) Poise pads mopping up iced coffee from my desk and keyboard this morning.

  • darsa

    And they all got indigestion…  O.O

  • Zazen

    D’D’D.

    Dreamin’ Demon Diapers.

  • Zazen

    Ben Stiller–and he’s got a mustache, too.

    http://youtu.be/EtioJ1FYxt0

    You’re welcome =D

  • JGo555

    At first, I didn’t get it. “Ogress”?  I thought it was an English last name. Then it clicked. It is the female word for OGRE! Which then led me to my next question:

    WHY IN THE FUCK FIONA BOINKED A TEEN BOY!? I thought she as all hot & bothered by Shrek?

  • JGo555

    It’s not displaying so much as it’s what they can afford & they don’t make clothes CUTE ENOUGH to make them look pretty.

  • Zazen

    Damn, that’s just compounding the shock, tarsh. I’m still reeling from seeing this creature on Saturday on the forums and you have to drag that out.

  • http://profiles.google.com/coldlogic HAL 9000

    Forget three-way, fight to the death I say. Bring them both in on chains, then throw a pack of smokes and a twinkie in the middle of the ring and then UNLEASH THE HOUNDS! 

    Thanksgiving Entree Deathmatch I’d call it. Hambeast vs. Gizzardzilla. Sort of a UFC Holiday Special angle to it. Damn I shoulda got a degree in marketing.

  • DangerousKindOfSnark

    And, I’m out…

  • Cat_Lady

    But a harpoon gun would be even better to use on that beast.

  • lyssdexia

    Kinda like the human equivalent to a “turducken?”

  • osteenq

     In a giant industrial blender, maybe.

  • rensuchan

    Fiona is hotter than that thing.

  • osteenq

     I’m thinking a brick would only make it angry.

  • Wildheart

    I’m just wondering if he will attempt suicide now that the whole world know where he’s been sticking his weiner.

  • UniqueMommy1984

    Kill it with FIRE!!!! O.O I try not to judge people on looks but yuck, that’s one scary looking women/man/it. Whatever it is….

  • Califboy

     I bet she does not have feet but hooves.

  • Califboy

      bet she does not have feet but hooves.

  • Lena60

    I could have went all year without seeing that. Yuck!

  • Babydoll0630

    SHE?  I honestly thought that was a man until I read…………what the french, toast?

  • newstarshipsmell ™

    Thanks for specifying their “unused” status since otherwise we would have had questions.

  • sweekymom

    Alright!  That tears it…I’m going over to hang out at Cute Overload until my brain feels better!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Cindy-Crawford/13964421 Cindy Crawford

    Shhhhh….you hear that sound? That’s the sound of my vagina slamming shut at the images this story provokes! And that poor kid has already hit sexual rock bottom at such an early age! It will only get better from here.

  • Pyncky

     Hell I don’t even want to be the same species.

  • Pyncky

     I bet she could use her pubic hair to take rust off a car fender.

  • pikeman

    Actually, I don’t think you are the same species as that. You are a Human, not a Hutt, right?

  • pikeman
  • lizard_spock

    I was trying to figure out how this hambeast got the kid to stay quiet about the atrocities she committed on him for the past 2 years (sodomy?  Really?  Ewww)

    I figured she told him she would eat him if he ever breathed a word.

    And he probably looked at her and believed she would.

  • Perp Walk Fan

    Dude…. that thing looks like John Candy in a fright wig. 

  • kimbev69

    Lol

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_SI2B7QEP5JTB2LMKBAU64I4TII Steve

    Hey, at least she didn’t EAT the kid.

  • LeaveMeBe

    Well, I didn’t need them for their real purpose until later in the day when I read THIS comment. :P

  • onlyme356

    WOW, that’s a woman? Looks more like a creature, how was it bred? And she still manages to maintain her beauty routine by dying her hair, must have thought it made her much more attractive to the boy. This is straight child abuse, he was 13 when it started? YUCK, she totally took advantage of that poor kid’s hormones, he is jacked up for life. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Paige-Längfeldt/1171336585 Paige Längfeldt

    I thought it was a man at first.

  • Califboy

    Big Foot has been found, quick call the press.

  • takurospirit

    Looks like my drivers license photo.

  • http://www.facebook.com/dre.mosley Dre Mosley

    Dear god.  Just looking at her makes me think she’s got bad feminine hygiene. . .

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_GWBV2FUY3OBYX3RNK6I44QSC7I Kwum

    So did she suck then  swallow him? I mean literally… has anybody seen this kid? Looks like she ingested the entire kid

  • AssWho?

    Jaded …. possibly the funnest write up ive seen on DD. Thanks for the chuckle