SIOUX FALLS, SD – The genius pictured to your left is Dean Cochrun, 28, who is currently incarcerated in South Dakota on a kidnapping conviction. In his copious spare time behind bars, he has opted to sue the hospital that birthed his stupid ass 28 years ago. For what, you ask? Glad you did; for circumcising him, of course.
I’m sure that, given the topic of this story, there’s a whole cadre of tasteless jokes I could spout off about his name, but I feel I should leave that up to our comment mongers.
In the suit, Cochrun claims that he just realized he had been circumcised, and that the procedure robbed him of his “sexual prowess.” To provide further evidence of his vast intelligence, Cochrun, in his federal lawsuit, is requesting a whopping $1,000 in compensatory and punitive damages as well as a free operation to “restore” his foreskin and make him “feel whole again.” Personally, I think he might just want an excuse to have somebody touch his nether regions in a non-rapey way.
Cochrun claims that an “unknown doctor” misled his mother into believing that the procedure was medically necessary. He maintains it wasn’t, and that it robbed him “of sensitivity during sexual intercourse as well as the sense of security and well-being [he is] entitled to in [his] person.”
We could probably argue all day about the medical implications of circumcision, dear readers, but I, for one, am grateful for the decreased sensitivity with which I’ve likely been blessed through the miracle of circumcision, as I can’t fathom my sexual encounters being any shorter than the 15 nanoseconds I currently enjoy. I am also happy to have not been the sole uncut hunk in my high school locker room.
Cochrun, who is not being represented by a lawyer, is unlikely to find satisfaction as there’s no evidence that doctors lied to his mother, the statute of limitations on personal injury claims has long passed, and he filed his lawsuit in a federal court, which has no jurisdiction in the matter. A representative of the hospital has stated that they will not pay for the procedure, and that there will be “no further correspondence” regarding the suit.
This has been your daily “WTF” moment.Tags: circumcision, Dean Cochrun, foreskin, punitive damages, South Dakota