Home > Crime > Man Charged After Assault With A Deadly… Breakfast Sandwich

Man Charged After Assault With A Deadly… Breakfast Sandwich

March 17, 2012 at 1:30 pm by kniption

Banks, OR – Lawrence Staley, 48, was arrested after ballistics testing linked him to a breakfast sandwich that struck a Forest Grove Jack In The Box employee in the back of the head. Well… that and just about everyone in the restaurant saw him throw it.

The melee reportedly began when drive-thru customer Staley - enraged upon realizing that his curly fries cost more than regular fries – entered the restaurant to complain. Capt. Mike Herb the Forest Grove Police Department spokesman, said that the employee explained the price difference and gave Staley a complementary order of regular fries in addition to the curly fries that he already was holding.

Clearly unsatisfied, Staley reportedly, “reached into his bag, grabbed a food item [of unknown caliber] and pitched it at the employee.” Staley missed. According to reports, Staley then produced a loaded Breakfast Jack sandwich (283 calories, 11g fat, 4g saturated fat, and 16g of protein) and “launched it at the employee.” This time, luck would not be with Staley’s intended victim. Capt. Herb reported this shot, “nailed her in the back of the head.”

According to police, the restaurant manager chased Staley outside, where after an altercation Staley fled. Using Staley’s license plate number recorded by the manager as Staley left, police later located Staley and took him into custody. He is charged with harassment and second-degree disorderly conduct and was booked in the Washington County Jail.

Although the details of this incident are tragic indeed, do not fall victim to the hysteria of those who would use it to promote a personal agenda that will lead to the trampling of your constitutional rights. Remember, breakfast sandwiches do not kill people, people kill people.

Tags: breakfast sandwich, Harassment, Jack In The Box, Lawrence Staley, Oregon

55 Comments

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girlygerd

Idk with all those calories seems like that sandwhich could kill too
http://truecrimereport.com iLLusionS

I always wanted to have the last name Herb…ahhh. But I digress…..Did he not read the menu before ordering the fries? Did he not know that the “labor” it takes to curl those fries is waaaaay more costly than straight fries….;)
http://www.dreamindemon.com/forums/ Dakota Valkyrie

That’s why I keep a portable curling iron in my glove box. Saves money when you can curl your own.
blubberdong

Hey! Isn’t that the guy on the American $5 bill? An uncanny resemblance…
http://truecrimereport.com iLLusionS

Damn good thinking…..!!! Saves you like a whole 1.5 pennies
Athena

My husband did something along these lines, once. Several years ago, we had met up somewhere to do something. Lunch and a movie, I think. On our way home in separate vehicles, some dude started fucking with me on the freeway – sped up when I tried to pass him, then cut in front of me and hit his breaks when I slowed back down. I changed lanes, down-shifted and took off, but he flipped me off and swerved at me as I passed him, then chased me down the freeway until I exited (I was in no real danger, as I had the faster car). This enraged Mike, who followed the dude to a stop light after I exited. He pulled up next to the dude and motioned for him to roll his passenger-side window down, which he did. Mike then hucked half a philly cheesesteak at him, smacking the dude in the face.

One of the proudest moments of my relationship.
newstarshipsmell

Well thank God none of the moronic woman-drivers I ever road-raged had a faithful husband following along behind them – I’m deathly allergic to philly cheesesteak!
kniption

I think that the cost difference is due to the additional energy that curly fries require during the frying process. For a typical fast food restaurant, it’s equal to something like an extra truck load of wood each and every day. ..and wood doesn’t grow on trees, ya know!
JGo555

Who cares what he did!? THEY ARE REAL! THEY WALK AMONG US!!!

*Points & runs*EWOK!!!!
JGo555

Stupid fuck, now he’s hungry & in jail AND without free extra fries.

I wish I had eaten breakfast this morning. Fuck, I wish I would’ve woken up to breakfast at all… that damned piece of banana the kid didn’t want gave me the shitters.

Bananas in the morning = no need for Activia. Sorry Jamie Lee Curtis, but this ass CAN take a shit.
JGo555

I think it’s because it’s a different machine that CUTS the fries curly so it would be a new cost to add.

And while I hate fast food in general, I LOVE ME SOME ARBY CURLY FRIES!
FrikkenFrak

I myself enjoy the occasional beating with a breakfast sausage…..
FrikkenFrak

….AND I would totally shoot something for Jack In The Box!

We don’t have them in New York. Mmmmmwah!
FrikkenFrak

lol
FrikkenFrak

I would have LOVED to have seen that guys face!!
69pinkbutterflies

By the looks of this guy I am shocked he was willing to waste food at all
Patr1ckBateman

Fancy getting that angry about paying a little extra for some damn chips.
Although I can see why they do it, I am pissed off that the store actually gave him some free food to try and placate him. It just teaches people that even if you are in the wrong, just make enough noise and you’ll get stuff.
Athena

Surely you’re not suggesting I’m moronic. If you’re doing any less than 5 mph over the speed limit in the passing lane, I’m going to pass you. We can do it the easy way, or we can do it the hard way.
Athena

Me too!
Deety

That is so romantic. <3
newstarshipsmell

Nah, I just wanted to joke about a philly cheesesteak allergy. But… “passing lane” – are you talking about the speeding lane, you know, the one on the left side?

Seriously though, I’ve never road-raged aggressive drivers, although they annoy me plenty. It’s the morons who blatantly disregard traffic laws and nearly collide with me that set me off – like when I’m coming over the railroad tracks and some asshole blows a stop sign to cross in front of me, forcing me to hit the brakes on the tracks. Tailed some poor teenage girl with my highbeams on through four towns over that once. (This was years ago, I’ve mastered my temper and don’t do stuff like this anymore.)

And I’m not misogynistic or against women driving; it just happens everyone I ever did road-rage (that I can remember) happened to be female, and I didn’t consider how sexist my previous comment might sound when I posted it, as I was just making a joke.
Zazen

Seems like almost too much work and fuss for a Philly. Almost.
Athena

Yes, I’m talking about the left land. Here, it’s called the “passing lane” as, theoretically, drivers in this lane should be passing slower traffic to the right. It’s Washington State law that slower drivers keep right… a law that is rarely observed.

As for misogynism, I consider it to be generally justified when it comes to female drivers. I was taught by men to drive like a man. I bitch as much about chick drivers as anyone.
Mackac

Maybe Mike put too much BBQ sauce on it and skinted on the Horsey. I had to throw one away when I did that too, course he could have saved it if he had a coffee or a clear soft drink, but if it was a cola….no if it was a cola you’d have to throw it. Hey Athena could you ask Mike ? this is bugging me now, damn I wonder if he had fries too………..
Mackac

Shoot, I should have asked Knip, he’d know, Knip’s like a giant brain, HEYYYYY KNIIIPPPP ?
crazyonehere

i got a bad temper after i got hit by the sandwich i would have jumped the counter and beat his ass
SnowBomber

This magical wonderland called Jack in the Box serves fries with breakfast? Why am I forced to suffer with greasy hellspawn hash rounds and hash browns around here?

You can’t tell me this guy hasn’t eaten at enough fast food places to know that curly fries cost more than straight ones. He probably has the lunch menus memorized at more than one place.
Athena

You lost me at the thought of BBQ sauce on a cheese steak.
Lena60

See, this is why you can’t let big foot eat in restaurants
Mackac

Right, must have lost my head there for a second.
newstarshipsmell

He probably converts dollar amounts to equivalent fast food menu prices in his head in order to perform simple financial calculations.
newstarshipsmell

With a metal bar, yes? And keep swingin’ till he quits twitchin’? Don’t forget to make sure the other customers capture it on their cellphones while yelling at you to stop.
kniption

Mackac?!? Where you been?!?
Tenbux

Your honor, my client is but a simple caveman. He fell into a glacial
crevasse long ago, and his preserved body has only recently thawed out. The
modern world both frightens and confuses him. He doesn’t understand complex concepts like “assault”, “sexual harassment”, or “shaving”.

You see, your honor, my client grew up in a different world. In his own
time, striking females in the back of the head was both a sign of
affection and a prelude to procreation. My client, Thok Umchok Staley,
was actually pleased with Jack-in-the-Box’s service. So pleased that he
wanted to invite the woman into his cave. There, they would live as
his kind did; cowering in fear of the sun, fending off predators with
fire, and rolling around in the dirt when that fire inevitably sets his
back hair aflame.

Convicting this fine, well-meaning troglodyte for upholding the customs
of his homeland would be a travesty of justice. It would be nothing
less than, I dare say, pure racism.

The defense rests.
girlygerd

Idk personally I’d only get into a sandwhich throwin mood over my Portillo’s cheese fries <——–this girl here doesn't play games when it comes to my Portillos cheese fries, other than that not worth wasting my sandwich lol
Coyote

If he just would have yelled, “Food Fight”, when throwing the sandwich, a victual-filled mêlée would have ensued; breakfast sandwiches and fries all around, and all would be right with the world.
Sam

LMAO!!
Also finding myself slightly intrigued at how a caveman managed to use a drive-thru…
DangerousKindOfSnark

I think it’s because curly fries are clearly superior and free market and consumer demand allows for the up charge. Mr. Staley is a modern day Samuel Adams people.
http://twitter.com/AngelsMom0806 Angels Mom

This! I mean really, how can you compare the simple freedom fry (Morbid sucks) to a curly fry? there is no comparison I tell ya…none!!! They even put seasoning salt on them to add to the snobbishness of it all.
http://twitter.com/AngelsMom0806 Angels Mom

It’s called the ‘passing lane’ everywhere isn’t it? That’s a pet peeve of mine. STOP DRIVING IN THE FREAKING PASSING LANE!!! Keep your tails to the right and let others be able to get by you you self people!

I needed that…
darsa

“grabbed a food item [of unknown caliber] ”

See now, THIS kind of thing here is going to get me in trouble here at work. I’m sitting here, snorting and braying in an attempt to not laugh like the hyena I usually sound like, and inevitably my boss will want to know what’s so funny… O.O
LeaveMeBe

They invented the wheel, Sam. Duh!
Sam

The wheel, yes, but it took a while before they realised they needed brakes. How was he able to stop long enough to place his order?
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

If Lawrence had hit me in the back of the head with a “Breakfast Jack sandwich” I would have most likely whooped his ass like he was at a mickey d’s.People today have zero manners,or home training.
curiousalways

I can’t stop thinking about the amount of beard hair he must consume with every bite.
Tenbux

Probably by pressing his beard into the front tire.
DangerousKindOfSnark

When he asks that just say “you’re face”. Once you get a reputation for being cagey and slightly insane they’ll stop asking you what’s funny and start hiding when you laugh.
DangerousKindOfSnark

You just had to share that little fucking thought huh? Barf.
curiousalways

I felt the need to ruin your day a little, just like it ruined mine.
http://twitter.com/AngelsMom0806 Angels Mom

That’s all we have to do to get you to show up? Does that work in private quarters as well or only on D’D?
http://twitter.com/AngelsMom0806 Angels Mom

Your husband = awesome!
http://twitter.com/AngelsMom0806 Angels Mom

Fred and Barney used their feet.
http://twitter.com/AngelsMom0806 Angels Mom

That reminds me of Trading Places when Dan Aykroyd was dressed as Santa and he pulled the smoke salmon out of his suit to eat it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Od4nSd9AVH8
curiousalways

love that scene!!!
newstarshipsmell

Okay, I’m tired of spotting Treebeard when I reload the main page. Can this post please fall off into oblivion already?