Updates by emailNEWSLETTER Subscribe to The Dreamin DemonRSS Subscribe to The Dreamin Demon

John Welden Accused Of Tricking Pregnant Girlfriend Into Taking Abortion PillJared Walter (aka The TriMet Barber) Back In Jail, This Time For Splooging In A Woman’s HairDebra Farinella Accused Of Decorating Home With Items Stolen From CemeteryAllen Banyacksi Charged With Child Abuse After Slapping Son’s Alleged BullyHigh School Teacher Jennifer Vigil Accused Of Raping Student, 18, Inside ClassroomPolice Searching For Man Who Grabbed Girl Off Street, Threw her In Trunk Of CarTeacher’s Aide Mario Hunt Charged With Child Sex Abuse, Knowingly Exposing Teens To HIVBarry Alan Swegle Redecorated His Neighborhood With BulldozerJamie Frecks Was Killed After Falling Out Of Bachelorette Party Bus On I-35Tim Lambesis, Singer For As I Lay Dying, Accused Of Hiring Hitman To Kill Wife

Man Stabbed Himself With Meat Thermometer To See If He Was “Done”

November 27, 2011 at 4:55 am by  

Man Stabbed Himself With Meat Thermometer To See If He Was DoneNewport, TN — Police and paramedics were called to the home of a 38-year-old man Wednesday night in response to a rather bizarre stabbing incident – the man of the house apparently poked himself in the gut with a turkey thermometer to see if he was “done.”

The man in question, Scott Kelly, was found lying on a sofa in the home with a small stab wound in his gut.

When questioned, Kelly reportedly told officers he was “basting himself” and just wanted to be left alone. He then explained that he had stuck the thermometer into his stomach “to check his temperature, and to determine if he was done or not.”

Why, yes, alcohol was involved! How did you guess?

Kelly’s girlfriend told police the man had consumed a fifth of liquor and eight or nine beers before jabbing himself with the thermometer. Based on that information, I’m assuming Kelly was, in fact, done. Well done, even.

Kelly was transported to the hospital for treatment and a mental evaluation. Hospital personnel later told police Kelly had a blood alcohol level of .32, four times the .08 level of legal intoxication in Tennessee.

Tags: , , , ,

56 Comments

    Comments


    V2 Cigs electronic cigarettes - Break Free From The Pack!

    The views expressed in the comments are those of the comment writers and don't represent the views or opinions of D'D or its staff. Feel free to flag comments that may violate conditions outlined in our Disclaimer.

    • Anonymous

      before he gets all crazy-drunk again, someone needs to let him know that all the top chefs take the temperature of their poultry rectally…

    • Prominent Prozac

      I generally let my boyfriend poke me and from there we decide if I’m done or not, but this seems more like a story I can tell at his next family dinner.

    • http://justiceforcaylee.synthasite.com/ shyloh

      Drugs and booze scare me. I don’t wanna wake up knowing I did something so STOOOOOPID!! Ok this may sound really stooooopid, but I don’t believe I’ve ever seen a turkey thermometer.

    • Anonymous

      You came out of your mom’s vagina. YES YOU ARE COOKED & DONE!

      Then again you had to try this, so maybe your brain needs a bit more vagina cookin’ to be done.

    • Anonymous

      Turkey thermometers aren’t sold alone. He used a MEAT thermometer in which is has written for beef, poultry, pork & so on. You can see it if you zoom your page to 400% & check the picture for the story.

    • http://truecrimereport.com iLLusionS

      Well I hope his woman didn’t use that same thermometer for the Turkey later!

    • FrikkenFrak

      I’ll take a thigh please…

    • http://www.facebook.com/rachel.a.prince Rachel Ann Prince

      I just knew without even reading the story this had to happen in either Flori-DUH or Tennessee and that the person involved had to be fucking wasted to think that this was a good idea. Its nice to see I was correct about both and this will be a funny story to tell their kids one day if he doesn’t do something stupidly fatal before then

    • http://justiceforcaylee.synthasite.com/ shyloh

      JGo555 you are now my mentor. Go figure. It took 40 years to finally know what a Meat thermometer looks like.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t know I’m skeptical….drunks do stupid shit but here lately the really GRISLY stupid shit has been due to bath salts…..

    • Anonymous

      I dunno. That dude in Italy who clawed out his own eyeballs was sober.

    • Anonymous

      *shakes her head* What stupidity will people do next? Stay tuned to the Demon to find out!

    • Anonymous

      This is hilarious.  Honestly…there are so many stupid people int his world and I enjoy reading about every one of them.  Last I heard, meat thermometers were really made for turkeys and big pieces of meat.  Phil Abramsky, a writer about discount pet meds

    • http://criminal-justice-jobs.org Steve Hamilton

      I can see it now:  the cya disclaimer on all meat thermometers will have to include a precaution that this instrument is not to be jabbed into cook’s belly at any time or for any purpose!  ha-ha!

    • http://oddlyunfocused.blogspot.com/ Eccentric_Lady

      Actually unfortunately a lot of warnings come from instances like this.

      With Perpetration H there’s a warning against taking it orally – personally I am still figuring out why the dumb ass who thought taking something that’s used on the ass in the mouth was a good idea or the dozen of the ‘obvious’ no-brainers warnings products come with…

      Keep an eye on him – future Darwin Contender here!

    • Anonymous

      A candy thermometer is different than a meat one too… I haven’t bought one of those cause if I do then it is mandatory that I make caramels (like the Brach caramels they sell at Walgreens’) & other sorts of candy and I’m still on a phongking diet!

    • Anonymous

      There’s INSTRUCTIONS for pop tarts that include the words: OPEN THE WRAPPER & TAKE THEM OUT OF THE WRAPPER BEFORE CONSUMMING.

    • Anonymous

      He might’ve been told he was done; and said “HEY BABY I AINT DONE YET! COME SEE!”

    • Anonymous

      *facepalm*

    • Smileypants

      I’m sorry, I have to…
      LOL!!!
      OK, that is all….

    • Anonymous

      What. the.  holy.  hell???

      This is a variation of the “stick a fork in me, I’m done,” saying, right?  If he had a .32 BAC, shoot, for a couple more points, he could have seen angels.  I seem to remember waking up in the shower after a night of shooting tequila and losing count.  Saw angels too.  I definitely proved that the saying, “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, FLOOR” can be true too.

    • CT

      Alcohol and bath salts perhaps.  I’ve been totally shitfaced and so far I have never felt the urge to get stabby with myself.  I’m not buying that only booze was involved unless you tell me he drank a case of 16 ounce cans of Steel Reserve and drank a large size bottle of grain alcohol with grape Kool-aid. 

    • http://justiceforcaylee.synthasite.com/ shyloh

      Well if I ever was???? No one told me (thank god) Or I just don’t remember. Maybe I got away with something?

    • http://justiceforcaylee.synthasite.com/ shyloh

      “phongking diet” Google is my friend. BRB!!!

    • CT

      I imagine that you would know if you got stabby with yourself – now if you got stabby with someone else and no one told you – well, you have very good friends if that is the case. 

    • Anonymous

      Time for kelly’s girlfriend to get a new boyfriend, this one’s retarded.

    • Anonymous

      I think you might be lying. I’m too apathetic today to check Google. Stop trying to foist your ass temperature fetish on us innocents. ;)

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

      Number 1 – I don’t get drunk;ever.

      For Numbers 2 & 3 – Please see above Number 1 comment.

      (Even if I did get drunk,which I won’t – ’cause I think it’s a stupid,and irresponsible thing to do,I still would not pull a SUPER dumb act like this fool.)

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

      Yet another example of the bird taking it up the ass.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

      He gets to “poke” you ? I’m a little jealous. 

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

      You haven’t missed much.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

      I will pass as I have reason to believe that this is in fact “BAD” meat.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

      I guess he wanted the girlfriend to “eat” him …

    • http://truecrimereport.com iLLusionS

      I described this story to my husband yesterday and his concern was “He didn’t get in any trouble did he?” I said “Not exactly” He said, “Good he was stabbing himself in the privacy of his own home.”    :) :O Scary. :P

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

      Well a lot of people do use their mouths like an ass – pretty much – so maybe for some folks the Perpetration H thing is not that far of a S-t-r-e-t-c-h.

    • Prominent Prozac

      All night long..but he generally cries after.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

       ”basting himself” in the privacy of his own home.

      On a side note – I do a little to basting to myself in the privacy of my own home too,but this usually only involves a bottle of lotion with extra moisturizer,stabbing myself would kill the mood.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

       (HE-HE)

    • Prominent Prozac

      I love when he cries, I feel powerful. Mmmm…

    • http://truecrimereport.com iLLusionS

      Yeah a tree would fall in the forrest after being stabbed I suppose. Not very sexy…

    • Anonymous

      This is a humorous reminder as to why I only lived in Newport Tn for a very short period. When my next door neighbor asked me if I wanted to attend a “Moonshine University” so that I could learn how to make various flavors of home made hell in a mason jar as my “welcome to the neighborhood”, I knew I wasn’t in Kansas anymore. It wasn’t until later that I learned about the “cock fights” they held up in the mountains, which would have again mostly been a good chuckle had it not been for the fact that the high school labeled themselves ” The Fighting Cocks”, and that Newport Tn is in fact “Cocke County”. Yep, My license plate said Cocke County.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

      LMAO

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

      LMAO.

      A cock license plate would be great for a woman,or a gay person (just my opinion).

      I am reasonably sure that Kansas has their own “Moonshine” Universities,they have enough backwoods for ‘em.

    • Anonymous

      lying?!?  never, dkos.   please remember that i am bound by the d’d honor code. oh, wait. this is the comments section…

      …and any rectal poultry methods mentioned are purely in the interest of good future journalism.

    • Anonymous

      Very true ‘cept my “Kansas” way NYC and Cocke county was a cultural experience like no other.

    • Sam

      On the night before Thanksgiving? I get the feeling it was an argument over who was cooking that got out of hand. I can hear him saying it now “I’ll cook it my own damn self!” – and then getting confused about what he was cooking when he heard that echoing in his head.

    • Anonymous

      Oh keep crying… you tears taste so good.

    • Prominent Prozac

      Mmmm the taste of his lost innocence.

    • LeaveMeBe

      I think this guy was done all right, but a meat thermometer wouldn’t have been able to tell him that. If anything, he was pickled.

    • http://twitter.com/RhondaHitt Rhonda Hitt

      This is one of the reasons I got the hell out of my hometown of Newport when I had the chance. My god, someone smack some sense into the guy

    • Anonymous

      You people are all fucked up. Now I am jealous.Nobody has ever asked to take my rectal temperature. If anybody ever did ask their body temperature would drop very rapidly  40 caliber holes let out a lot of hot air..

    • Prominent Prozac

      Oh shut the fuck up, you love it.

    • Anonymous

      WOW!! do you think that might actually work? Why did not someone tell me this years ago when I could still put something on their plate.

    • Anonymous

      That really works good if their wearing blue jeans.

    • Anonymous

      Who snitched on me?

    • Prominent Prozac

      The fact you keep replying to me..Mawhahaha.