Alleged Roadside Masturbator Found Naked In Tree

IF he was fucking shit up to the extent of losing his memory AND his clothing, he would be in no shape to scale twelve solid feet of tree. I’ve been in states where I haven’t lost either and not really been able to move two feet out of bed.

he was being chased by a dog, though.  that can bring out the best in a man…

I suppose you’re right, nothing like a German Shepherd near your utterly exposed penis to bring out your athletic spirit.

yes, jemimabean.  i have considered petitioning the international olympic committee to add the “naked shepherd chase” to the event roster, but i think that they would be afraid of their precious world records falling like dominoes…

Oh, come on.  Maybe he was just trying to stay warm and it just LOOKED like he was masturbating.  It’s like all the versions of the Sandusky and the boy in the shower stories.  It’s all in how you look at it.

“Picked the right orchard for being naked….hazelnuts.”
I can’t get the thought out of my head that involves him using said hazelnuts as anal beads.
*makes mental note to NOT buy hazelnuts from Oregon in the near future*

Women have eyes??
If a woman doesn’t meet my standards….I lower my standards (j/k)

I mess with my friends, but favorite story was one I had no part in. Someone we both knew owed a friend of mine a very large sum of cash. We are taking a few grand that she lent him to get his shit together (which he didn’t). I was really pissed because he’d pretended to like her for the money. I told her that I would talk to him and try to get it back. Well a few days later she went out to her car and put a can of coke on the hood and forgot about it. As she drove away the can rolled down and hit the hood of the trunk. She called me hysterical because she thought I had the guy put in her trunk. Finally, I got her to calm down and open the trunk at which point I busted out laughing. It was the best “prank” that I never planned.

No, he just likes it when the beard tickles his balls.

You were not kidding.

I bet kniption is correct – your ass would most likely shift into gear if that dog was after it.

Not sure what to make of this … interesting story – no further comment. 

It sounds to me as if this guy got wasted with the wrong friends in his company.I seriously doubt the masturbation charges … If I had been the cop who found him I would have given him a blanket,and a ride home;then I would have wrote an incident report detailing my belief that the suspect was actually a victim of Friend Prank.There would have been no arrest,and me and the rest of the cops back at the station would have had a good laugh at the guys expense. Unfortunately for this dumb ass,and I call him that because he never should have been out and got that drunk,some cops have absolutely zero compassion,or sense of humor;you interrupt the donut break at the local convenience store with your Tom Foolery and it’s on – “Fuck You.”

“Alleged roadside masturbator found naked in a tree,

F-A-P-P-I-N-G.

First comes….”

Sorry, that’s all I got so far.

so one that was played on me…

i had wanted to buy a 9mm pistol, but the type i was interested in was only being issued to police departments.  i bought something else, but damn… i wanted that one.  so i read an article in our university paper that the campus cops are replacing theirs – the same type i had wanted.  i read it to my friend who says “i heard that.  i also heard they are selling their old ones.  you should stop by…”

“shit yeah,” i say. dum-de-dum-de-dum…

so i stop by the campus police station to ask about buying their pistols.  as the discussion continues, more and more cops are gathering.  they ask  do i have a ccw (i did), why i want a pistol, blah blah blah…

then they ask how many i am interested in.  …and i – who had no shortage of money at the time and saw great resale potential – said “if the price is right, i’ll take them all.”

the discussion pretty much went downhill from there.  great joke, though!

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000819215486&sk=wall

But it said that he Po-Po found a cell phone and footprints.

That is awesome!

Just so you know I don’t make a habit of putting people in trunks. I had been known for doing crazy and reckless shit in my day though.

 LOL. That is fucked up.

Oww, that hurts. Want your knife back?

He’s actually kinda cute…

Most anything near my exposed penis will bring out the athlete in me. 

LOL yeah maybe it was freezing and he didnt wanna have the turtle reaction .. 

mmm yes Nutella.. so good eating it w a spoon.. 

 ”on the roadside”

i dont get it… Its Fkn cold outside as it is……….and i have my shit right cars will make a little bit of wind.. right?? so how does a hard on happen???? dafuq??? o.O i dont have a penis but i sure as hell dont think someone would get hard in that type of weather

What can I say, I like to perform.

If horny enough a tornado wouldn’t stop it from rising.

Any weather if conditions are right.  Stick em in a freezer for a while then show boobs, boing!

hahaha.. Dayum.. 

One last Marine story:
I did not take part in this prank – it’s a little past the kind of thing that I would be a part of,but I did watch the ending of it.

I returned to the base dorms (air wing traditionally gets the best of the best,so I was not in a regular barracks,my housing was more like a college dorm room)from having been out on the town,to find these guys in the community/TV room of my dorm. They were waiting on the unconscious Marine on the floor to wake up.The guy had drunk too much, and passed out.While he was passed out someone had got the bright idea to pull down his pants, and put some of that white hand cleaner on his ass;so when I walked in that was his condition,sound asleep on the floor,with his pants and draws around his ankles,and this white shit on his ass.

I joined them waiting on the guy to wake up;it was the weekend and I didn’t have shit else to do.So anyways,they finally got tired of waiting and a couple of them went over and shook the guy into a some what awake state … it was hilarious watching him as he became more,and more alert realizing that his pants were pulled down,then as he got to his feet he asked “What the fuck is going on?” All confused.They told him that they had just walked in,and found him passed out on the floor,with what looked like sperm on his ass.He put his hand behind him, and then looked at it with this white shit on it “Man,what the fuck ?” The guy looked all bummed out,and upset – his main comment was “FUCK!!!”At that point the guys couldn’t contain their laughter anymore, and they explained to him that they had pranked him.Boy,did he look relieved.I imagine it sucks thinking someone fucked you in the ass while you were passed out drunk.

My little brother sprayed that crap on my arm, it hurts its so cold.

lol

If I had to pee really bad the cold would not be an issue;pee – the real cause of “morning wood.”

Yes, there is an attractive factor.  You would have to actually want to look at said boobs.

Not “drool- worthy homina homina” stuff- but sweet. You know, like someone’s little brother. I feel a bit sorry for him.

and oh well excuse moi…..BOOBs…… idk i dont think like a man,, im not attracted to boobs.. im a 100%xinfinity i love dick lol

Well then let me introduce you……

Your mother must be so proud!

Have you tried the obstacle course while on Bath Salts!?

Those mthrfckrs can surely take hits & keep going.

Or at least they can participate in the American Gladiators show.

I don’t think in 30 degree weather any masturbation can be done especially when you’re up a tree NAKED.

That’s where Mr.Turtle Breath went.

You had me doubting myself then, i had to look it up. Both are used – though to me ‘snickering’ just calls up connotations of peanutty nougatty chocolate.

No, not south – waaaay east. As in, hit the east coast and then swim for two months

There is a reason we call that place Solame.