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Anaheim, CA — A pervy parolee was charged Wednesday after police say he broke into a couple’s home and molestered the woman of the house as she slept next to her husband.

Christopher Schwanke, 35, was arrested outside the couple’s home Monday evening after a brief tussle with the man of the house. Schwanke. Heh.

The woman apparently thought her hubby was trying to get all romantical when she first felt the hand on her crotch. Imagine her surprise when she realized dear hubby was sound asleep. Now imagine the horror that poor woman felt when she leaned over the side of the bed and found that Schwanke was attached to the digits buried in her lady bits.

After what I imagine would be at least three full minutes of violent projectile vomiting, the woman dialed 911. In the meantime, her husband opened up a can of whoop ass on the depraved prowler, restraining him until police arrived.

The couple later reported having had a couple of run-ins with the bozo in the past month. They told police Schwanke crashed a backyard party at their home two weeks earlier. After asking around and learning that no one knew who Schwanke was, the husband decided to escort him off of his property. At that point, Schwanke reportedly dropped trou, tucked his willy in between his thighs and exclaimed, “Look at my mangina!” No one contacted authorities at that time.

The couple told police they also saw Schwanke walking around their neighborhood around 7:30 p.m. on Halloween. When asked what he was doing in the neighborhood, Schwanke reportedly told the couple he was visiting with a friend.

Just hours later, the couple had their third and final confrontation. And, well, we all know how that turned out…

Schwanke has since been charged with one felony count of sexual penetration by foreign object by force, sexual penetration by foreign object of an unconscious victim and first-degree residential burglary. Bail was set at $1 million. His priors include assault, DUI, theft and possession of methamphetamine.

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  • SK

    is the mangina part serious? that is hilarious

  • guillotinegirl

    “Look at my mangina” is so going to be my new pick-up line.

  • Jemimabean

    Personally, I think he should be drawn and quartered for what he did to The  Mighty Boosh, Old Gregg and Noel Fielding. Fucking arsehole.

  • Anonymous

    It would have been way more interesting if he had crawled into the husbands side of the bed sportin’ his mangina and the husband started fingering him.

    My dog “Cuddles” sleeps at the end of my bed. It would have been like stepping into a wolf den had he even made it to the bedroom. 

  • Jemimabean

    And THEN we’ll sort out the unlawful fingering business. But nobody disrespects The Boosh.

  • Jemimabean

    Open your mind: Let us begin our quest… http://youtu.be/gCx0NeffRfI

  • http://www.facebook.com/MountainsMakeMeNauseous Jean

    Agreed, sounds like an adequate punishment for such a heinous crime.

  • http://www.facebook.com/MountainsMakeMeNauseous Jean

    This man sounds almost too crazy to be real! From his last name to the mangina thing, I’m just sitting here staring at the screen thinking “really?!” Also this is probably bad, but about that prior for meth possession… why am I not surprised?

  • Optimus_past_my_Prime

    I love Old Gregg!!! 

  • Anonymous

    I wonder if he intended to invite her to a club where they wee on you… I love Ol’ Greg!

  • Anonymous

    Thanks for sharing…I think. Now I know what Old Gregg is.Yuck!

  • Anonymous

    How creepy for this couple. I bet they get a dog now.*shivers*

  • http://www.dreamindemon.com Jaded

    Totally. They could use the dog as bait for future attacks! 

  • Anonymous

    Meth madness strikes again.

  • Anonymous

    banging write-up, jaded.

    so what do you think he said when they first turned the light on?

  • CT

    I heard she lives next door to Just Kathy.

  • Jemimabean

    I love Noel Fielding *sigh*

  • FrikkenFrak

    What the HELL.  I only WISH I could sleep that soundly.

  • Anonymous

    “At that point, Schwanke reportedly dropped trou, tucked his willy in between his thighs and exclaimed, ‘Look at my mangina!’”

    My parties suddenly seem so lame. :-(

  • Anonymous

    It’s easy to see what happened here… He’s seen one too many pornos, and he thought that this was the proper way to start one hell of a threesome. I blame society.

  • http://www.dreamindemon.com Jaded

    “Trick or treat?”

  • Anonymous

    WTF – you cheatin’ bitch!  lol

  • http://www.dreamindemon.com Jaded

    I’da let him stay for a bit…

  • LeaveMeBe

    Since the husband “restrained” him until the cops showed up, I was really hoping to see more black and blue marks, along with swollen and bleeding areas, about his head and shoulders.

  • Anonymous

    Molestered?  That was funny, Jaded.

    I am trying to get a visual of how she didn’t know it wasn’t her husband fondling her.

  • LeaveMeBe

    Another thing: if that had been me, I would have known IMMEDIATELY that it wasn’t my husband because he knows better than to interrupt my sleep, unless we’ve made prior arrangements. Creeper would have been knocked out cold before I even knew who he was just for waking me up.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=736546181 Michael Heldman

    Wait your turn!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=736546181 Michael Heldman

    I’m here to check your temperature.  Bow chica wow wow.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=736546181 Michael Heldman

    How come women never break into guys places to give them a handy.  Or is it that it just wouldn’t get reported?

  • Anonymous

    Fuck! I’m so hard up for sex right now because of being sick & then “THAT” time of the month that I’m willing to let anything called Schwanke near me. *Shakes head* And I shaved my legs for NOTHING!

    No, in all seriousness I wish I could sleep so deep I don’t wake up until I feel hands INSIDE me. DAYUM!

    This family  had 3 confrontations with the dude? He just bumped up his game to stalking, making him a smart albeit still dumb sexual predator. He’s going to go up the list of RSO but he’s gonna be out in no time.

  • Anonymous

    I’m just gonna throw out phrases at you:

    “I AM YOUR FATHER,  LUKE!”

  • Anonymous

    “JUST LET ME PUT THE HEAD IN!!!!”

  • Anonymous

    “Where’s the beef!”

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=736546181 Michael Heldman

    Wanna play “Just the tip”?

  • http://www.facebook.com/rachel.a.prince Rachel Ann Prince

    Oh man this dude would be looking A LOT worse had I woke up to him with his fingers in my cookie jar! 

  • aka jas

    Creepy motherfucker!  This guy needs to be put down.  I hardly ever say that.  But this guy is just bad, there is no fixing this guy.  Just the sheer thought of him walking around the same street I live on makes me want to heave, and sleep with a weapon.  I hope hubby beat the fuck out of this guy.  Poor wife. :.(

  • aka jas

    smd and lol

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=736546181 Michael Heldman

    I guess that makes me the cookie monster..nom nom nom

  • Anonymous

    Just Kathy really can’t get a break can she?

  • Anonymous

    The dude could have gotten A LOT farther with me considering my habit of pretending I’m totally asleep when my husband has the nerve to try that shit in the middle of the night.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

    “The woman apparently thought her hubby was trying to get all romantical when she first felt the hand on her crotch.” BUHAHAHAHA !!!!

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

    “Now imagine the horror that poor woman felt when she leaned over the side of the bed and found that Schwanke was attached to the digits buried in her lady bits.”

    Isn’t this where Rod Serling makes his entrance ?

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

     WHAT ???

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

     Maybe its just me … but I’m lost on your terminology -
    “The  Mighty Boosh, Old Gregg .”
    I looked up Noel Fielding,so I know who he is now.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

    I just looked at some pics of him … he’s funny looking …

  • http://profiles.google.com/coldlogic HAL 9000

    That term is going to go viral, it will be the loser’s contribution to society as it were…’mangina’ is hilarious.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

    Very funny video.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

     Or maybe an alarm system … anyone…anyone …alarm system …

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

    Ignore me … err … I’m not here … err … that hand buried in your wife’s snatch is not mine … shit I forgot to unplug that light … 

  • Anonymous

    Head, shoulders, and his MANGINA!

    Just so you all know, I’m now in trouble at work for spewing my drink all over my monitor when I read: MANGINA!

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

     LMAO

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

     LMAO

  • Anonymous

    They should have heeded the warnings of Antoine Dodson.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

    Hmm … Let’s examine the facts as they were seen through Christopher’s eyes :

    Bitch checked out my mangina with lust in her eyes earlier … clearly an invitation to play … front door unlocked … no working alarm system … no dog, or other biting,or noisy pet … Bitch faking sleep … legs all open and inviting … no panties worn. Time to do the ole entry test (Sticks fingers inside warm hole).Yep,she wants my mangina,she’s actively humping my fingers.Damn,she opened her eyes.Why’s the Bitch screaming ? Doesn’t she realize that’s going to wake up the Cock Blocker?

  • Jemimabean

    He’s BEAUTIFUL Cedric! Not my usual type (my husband is a Hugh Jackman-ny type *sigh*) but all the same- he deserves to be appreciated for what he is. And trust me, I do appreciate! :)

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

    Is that before or after you came ?
     

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

    That’s just wrong.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

    You know we always want more – that’s why …

    We would be like “Hey,put your mouth on it.” … Then we would be like ” Climb aboard and stick me in.” … Then after we cum – ” I hope you’re on birth control,’cause I’m not paying for an abortion.” 

    That’s  why “women never break into guy’s places to give them a handy.”

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

     ” I don’t wake up until I feel hands INSIDE me. DAYUM!”
    I think she’s a liar.I bet she was fully awake and enjoying that probing … then the Cock Blocker next to her woke up …

  • Jemimabean

    Yes, but was he wearing one of those sexy plumber’s outfits when he started playing vag- grab?

  • Anonymous

    LOL, I’ve done that too.  Usually I try to get into it but sometimes its just not happening so I roll over just enough for him to get some.  

  • Jemimabean

    Oh yuck! Now I have a similar visual and it’s NOT pretty. :(

  • Jemimabean

    *lol* I almost forgot about that- “you don’t have to come and confess, we’re looking for you!”

  • http://www.facebook.com/rachel.a.prince Rachel Ann Prince

    Then I’ll be like Ahkmed the Dead Terrorist “I kill you”

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=736546181 Michael Heldman

    HAHAHAHAHA also because you would look like a hand puppet.  :p

  • Anonymous

    You can’t hug an alarm system or pick up it’s poop Cedric.

  • Anonymous

    You sure the shit all over his face is from a beating and not meth??? Looks methy to me… (see what I did there? :)

  • aka jas

    I once heard that this was all the rage in prison and in jail, that, and the helicopter.  Seriously.
    I dont remember how this conversation came about, but, yeah–It did. :.D

  • Anonymous

    I picked up “mangina” years ago.  Specifically, the phrase “You put the p-due in the mangina” as a retarded insult.
    So.  Now I wonder: is Schwanke a Something Awful goon or a /b/tard?  Because I’ve only seen mangina on SA and 4chan with any regularity.

  • Athena

    I’m with you, Ced.  Nose and chin too big, ridiculous hair…  Funny looking, indeed.

  • Athena

    I prefer my alarm systems to have sharp teeth, and weigh at least 80lbs, myself.  

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

    OOOKKK …

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

    :)

  • malq

    Tweakers suck.
    I woke up once and a “wired out of his gourd tweaker” was trying to get his cocksucker on my tool.
     Then proceeded to explain WHY, while I was giving him a stompdown.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

    Who exactly is that ? Someone post me a link please.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

    LMAO  … Oh,I’m sorry to hear that happened to you …

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

    I’m with that action…

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric
  • Anonymous

    For some reason the “cock blocker” comment was funny & then got funnier as I was snacking on a banana.

  • Anonymous

    I already pushed the husband against the wall & threatened his ass to give it up.

    But I’ll keep that in mind in case I have to up the ante.

  • Anonymous

    LMAO about Cock Blocker.

  • Anonymous

    Then why are you laughing?

  • Robert

    Better husband then me, fucker would have been hog tied and bleeding.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

    LMAO … you crack me up …

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

    lmao

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XKMAEMPVJ5T2Y35HKYTNG7I6SY Cedric

    I couldn’t help myself.

  • CT
  • Jemimabean

    http://youtu.be/i5-9vIZyvTw

    Kathy’s Story reminded me of this golden oldie- “Come lie, next to me…” :D Poor Kathy.

  • Jemimabean

    *ROFLMAO*

  • LeaveMeBe

    Right on, you’re a good hubby.. I would have been lucky to land a few punches and kicks considering what my husband would have done to him.