Morgue Worker Accused Of Having Sex With Corpse Of Reality TV StarFive Teens Accused Of Raping 13-Year-Old GirlCouple Accused Of Beating Three Children, Forcing Them To Eat Dog FecesMan Dies After Falling Into An Industrial Tire ShredderTeen Gouged Out Both Of Her Eyeballs Outside South Carolina ChurchWoman Dies After Teen Extended Car Jack Inside Her VaginaMan Accused Of Killing Ex-Girlfriend And Three Others At Pennsylvania Car WashToddler Found Frozen To Death On Front Porch Of Her HomeTeenage Teaching Assistant Accused Of Molesting 17 Children

Monthly Archives: October 2011

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — I am still recuperating from a weekend full of pulled pork and Evan Williams, so bear with me as I fumble through a few stories on my favorite day of the year. Starting with one out of Louisville in which another Cintas worker suffered a horrible fate after getting stuck inside an industrial dryer.

Reports are that 55-year-old Kevin Burgess arrived to work early Friday morning and began working on an industrial dryer before any of the other employees arrived. Investigator are not sure how, but Burgess fell through the top of the dryer while it was running. They believe the machinery may have jumped started, knocking him in. He was in there for almost 30 minutes until a co-worker came into work and found him. Sadly, Burgess died from multiple blunt force injuries.

Burgess would have not been able to free himself on his own, due in part to the doors closing automatically once the dryer is started and the fact that are no safety mechanisms to stop the dryer in this particular circumstance. …

Orlando, FL – Late Friday night, John Luther, 31, and his fiancée had returned from dinner and drinks when he asked for money to go out, according to police. She reportedly claimed to be broke and went to bed. Bitch.

Police records state Luther responded by dousing the woman’s head with gasoline and igniting her pillow with a lighter. The record goes on to say that Luther then started to “put the fire out with his hands” and “left the residence … to go out drinking.” The fiancée reportely went to the living room and fell asleep with her dog. I am guessing because her pillow was all burned and everything…

According to the arrest report, approximately 1 to 1 1/2 hours later Luther returned to the residence and – in an intoxicated state – woke his fiancée to advise her that the house was full of smoke.

Police arriving at the couple’s home noted “extensive structural (fire) damage” to a corner of the house and the woman smelling of gasoline.…

Chicago, IL — Tim Snyder, 36, has been accused of stabbing a man with a corkscrew after he broke into two separate apartments in search of beer early Saturday morning.

Snyder reportedly forced his way into the first apartment at about 4:00 a.m., demanded beer and began rummaging through the refrigerator. Empty handed and angry, police say Snyder punched the apartment’s occupant before exiting the home and continuing with his quest.

Just moments later, Snyder entered another apartment in the building where he was immediately confronted by a male resident. The two scrapped for a bit before Snyder armed himself with a corkscrew and stabbed the man in the back. Other residents in the apartment were able to hold Snyder until police arrived. The guy who got corkscrewed ended up with about 22 stitches.

He apparently hadn’t calmed down any in the time it took for the police to get there. Snyder reportedly threatened one of the arresting officers, telling him, “I live in the district. I’m going to kill your ass – you can’t lock me up forever.” He then asked the officer if he wanted some AIDS and spat on him.…

Woman Jailed After Offering To Blow Cop For $17

October 31, 2011 at 3:11 am by  

Fort Walton Beach, FL — Janet Overdurf, 45, was taken into custody over the weekend after she reportedly flagged down an undercover officer and offered to blow him for a minimal fee.

According to police, Overdurf, presumably standing on the corner of Main and Desperate, motioned the officer over at about 8:00 Saturday evening. When the officer stopped, Overdurf allegedly offered up her oral skills. Her price, $25. The officer, obviously a haggler, talked her down to the low, low price of $17.

At this point, you’re probably mumbling something like, “Damn, Jaded! Slow news day, or what?” Yes, my friends. Yes, it is.

Anyway, once the two settled on the price, Overdurf was placed under arrest for prostitution. To make matters worse, during the pat down, the officer reportedly found a crack pipe stashed somewhere in the vicinity of the woman’s crotch. For that, an additional charge of possession of paraphernalia was tacked on. Surprisingly, this isn’t Overdurf’s first go-round with police…she has at least two prior arrests for prostitution.…

Woman Arrested In Potato Salad Rage

October 30, 2011 at 4:21 am by  

Palm Coast, FL — The delightful-lookin’ chickie to the left is 45-year-old Karen Henry – she’s here today because she reportedly threatened to get all stabby after her elderly father denied her a helping of his potato salad.

According to police, Henry pitched the vicious fit last week after her 80-year-old father told her she couldn’t have any of his potato salad. Enraged, Henry began throwing items around the house. She then allegedly grabbed a large kitchen knife and threatened the man, waving it in his general direction several times. Police said the man grabbed a kitchen chair and fended his daughter off long enough to call 911. Fortunately, the man was not injured. Physically, that is. Can you imagine that woman coming at you with a friggin’ butcher knife? That would be enough to give me nightmares for a month.

Henry was placed under arrest and charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. As she was being transported to the pokey, she complained of abdominal pains and was taken to the hospital for an examination.…

San Mateo, CA – Vittorio Vincent Valdez, 27, is clearly in need of the type of guidance that only Demonites can provide. This after the Half Moon Bay, California man punched his 82-year-old grandmother in the face several times, according to police. Please do not let him down.

San Mateo prosecutors allege that at approximately 11:30PM on Sept. 24, Valdez’ grandmother was driving him from Palo Alto to Half Moon Bay in her car because he has a suspended license. According to reports, Valdez grew angry at the slow speed at which she was driving and pushed down his grandmother’s right leg to accelerate the vehicle. District Attorney Steve Wagstaffe said that the woman became frightened woman and tried pulling into a Shell gas station for help. Valdez then reportedly ‘yanked her from the driver’s seat and threw her into the passenger side.’ Prosecutors allege that Valdez then punched her in the face several times and kept her inside when she tried to exit.

A witness at a nearby 7-Eleven called 911.…

Raccoon Cookout Leads To Meth Charges

October 29, 2011 at 3:15 am by  

Memphis, TN – A late night raccoon roast in the parking lot of a downtown Memphis apartment complex hosted by a unidentified man led to the man’s brother, Adam Eubank, 26, being arrested on meth charges. I hate when that happens.

The raccoon cookout reportedly went into the wee hours of the night – at some point drawing the attention of authorities. Investigating officers say that several large knives and buckets of an unknown material prompted them to call in the department’s meth officers. That led to a search of the apartment shared by the host of the raccoon soiree and his brother.

Eubank – who police say has purchased cold medicine used to manufacture methamphetamine nearly three dozen times in the past year – was arrested and charged with promoting the manufacture of meth. He’s being held on $75,000 bond.

Eubank’s brother remains under intense investigation by the Memphis Division of the Paula Deen Culinary Task Force.

Oklahoma City, OK – The Oklahoma Supreme Court has upheld a ruling that former Judge Donald D. Thompson will not have a $7,789-a-month judicial pension benefit reinstated.

Thompson had served as a judge from 1982 to 2004. The benefit was suspended at the time of Thompson’s conviction and incarceration on a number of felony charges. Thompson reportedly filed two separate appeals to get his retirement benefits reinstated, but the Oklahoma Supreme Court ruling Tuesday is the final word…and that word is “no.”

Here are the details…

According to the complaint filed against Thompson in 2004, the exposure of Thompson’s private parts in his court room were, apparently, quite common.

“Court reporters observed the felonious exposure of Mr. Thompson’s private parts, and testified to the fact during the criminal trial. That trial resulted in conviction of felonies. Those felonies violated Mr. Thompson’s oath of office,” Justice James Winchester wrote in the high court’s unanimous decision.

The original complaint described court employees witnessing Thompson masturbating, using a penis pump, and putting lotion on his privates while presiding over trials.…

Bainbridge, OH – Okay. This feels like pandering, but I couldn’t pass it up.

Erin Holdsworth, 28, who was described by police as ‘drunk and half-naked’ ended the evening of Oct. 11 poorly when she tried to outrun cops. First reportedly clocked at 110MPH, the speeds reach 128MPH before stop sticks brought the shenanigans to a halt. Well… temporarily.

Holdsworth – a mother of three – emerged from the vehicle in a fishnet tube-top, a g-string, running shoes, and an ankle BAC monitoring bracelet. …and this is Ohio. Fishnet tube-top season ends at Labor Day – no negotiation.

Police chief Jon Bokovitz said that Holdsworth was calm at first, but ‘flew into a rage after cops put handcuffs on her.’ Squad car video captured her flailing, screaming, ‘hitting her head against the back wall,’ and kicking out a window. It is expected that the full video will soon be available for $19.95 at a DVD retailer near you. Until then, you can check out the raw video here.

Holdsworth appeared in court Wednesday facing charges of DUI, failure to comply, reckless operation of a vehicle, and a smattering of other charges.…

Carlisle, PA — A man accused of making thousands of obscene phone calls over the past five years has been sentenced to 9 months in jail.

Ever since he got his hot little hands on a cell phone, 43-year-old Rip Alan Swartz has been psycho dialing hotels, banks, restaurants and call centers all over the United States and as far away as the Philippines. The topic of discussion? Pantyhose.

“The verbiage was the same on every phone call,” said Det. Sgt. Thomas Kauffman of the Upper Allen Township Police Department. “He would ask them how their day was going, be really polite and then say, ‘I bet you can’t wait to get home and get those pantyhose off,’ and would keep talking and getting more graphic.”

Swartz reportedly told police he “got his jollies” from making the phone calls, and on one occasion, made as many as 400 calls in one single day. Police said Swartz made over 6,000 calls in about 50 days in September 2010.

The case opened last year after a couple of Hooter’s girls grew tired of his spiel and filed a complaint.…

S. Africa — A man busted in the act of diddling a donkey told a judge the animal was actually a prostitute who somehow transformed into a donkey overnight.

I know, I know…we don’t usually cover stories from this region, and Morbid will probably have my head for it, but dammit! I found an awesome pic of a smiling donkey to accompany the story, so I’m running with it.

Sunday Moyo, 28, was found by police officers performing a sex act on the donkey, who was lying on the ground tied to a tree, early Sunday morning. At his court hearing earlier this week, Moyo admitted to the doinking, but explained to the judge that the donkey was really a hooker he had hired at a nightclub the night before.

“Your worship, I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested. I had hired a prostitute and paid US$20 for the service at Down Town nightclub, and I don’t know how she then became a donkey.”

Don’t you just hate when that happens?…

Man Severs Own Arm With Homemade Guillotine

October 28, 2011 at 4:14 am by  

Bellingham, WA — Not a lot of meat to this one, but it’s interesting nonetheless. Besides, it kinda starts off like a really tasteless joke.

A man walked into a urologist’s office Thursday morning seeking medical assistance after apparently removing his own right arm with a homemade guillotine. The arm had been severed just below the shoulder.

Investigating officers, apparently familiar with the man, checked a wooded area near the urology clinic a short time later and found the missing limb and the guillotine in a transient camp. The victim, a homeless man in his 40’s, and the arm were airlifted to Harborview Medical Center in Seattle.

According to police, the guillotine was built with 2x6s at least 12 feet long, a few 2x4s and a construction-grade cutting device that was 2-feet-by-3-feet and half-an-inch thick. Part of the metal had been sharpened. Because police found gauze and tape near the contraption, they believe the act was intentional.

“A lot of thought and a lot of work and lot of preparation went into making this device and it was apparent this individual used this device to sever his own arm,” said Mark Young with Bellingham Police.…

Oxford, MA — A man who allegedly threatened to abduct a 13-year-old girl he had been stalking was arrested at his home Monday after a brief scuffle with police.

According to authorities, 38-year-old Kelly Hoose placed a call to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children Thursday and told the person on the other end of the line that he had been stalking the girl, admitting that he had been following her school bus on and off for three months. Hoose reportedly said he loved the “curly-haired” teen, wanted to kiss her and planned to take her to his house. Police say he then gave the operator his full name, address and license plate number.

The agency immediately contacted Massachusetts State Police. Surveillance was placed at school bus stops on Friday and police began tailing Hoose. When he spotted the tail on Monday, Hoose allegedly rammed a police cruiser and sped off. After a brief pursuit, Hoose was arrested at his home. But not before he attempted to arm himself with a knife.…

Cheat At Monopoly? That’s A Stabbin’

October 28, 2011 at 1:57 am by  

Santa Fe, NM — Laura Chavez, 60, was taken into custody early Wednesday morning for allegedly stabbing her boyfriend during an intense game of Monopoly.

According to police, the two had been playing Monopoly with Chavez’s 10-year-old grandson before the alleged poking occurred. The boy told police the couple began arguing because his grandma believed her boyfriend was cheating at the game. Though police have yet to specify how he was cheating, my guess is that he either palmed Boardwalk and Park Place, or was pilfering 100’s from the bank.

Fortunately, the boy didn’t witness any of the ensuing bloodshed…the real violence started after he was sent to bed.

After the grandkiddo was tucked in for the night, it was on. Chavez allegedly knocked the boyfriend upside the skull with a glass bottle. Police say she then grabbed hold of a butcher knife and proceeded to repeatedly stab the 48-year-old man, causing injuries to the top of his head, neck, left eyebrow and right wrist area.

When police arrived, Chavez mentioned that her boyfriend had pushed her and she asked him to leave her apartment.…

Colorado Springs, CO — Kevin Gaylor, 24, found himself in an unenviable position early Wednesday morning after allegedly phoning in a false burglary report to cover up his infidelity.

Gaylor apparently called 911 just after 3:00 that morning to report that someone was trying to knock down his front door. What’s more, he told police the alleged burglar was armed.

Five officers were dispatched to his home, lights and sirens blaring. They immediately made contact with said burglar and detained her for questioning. It was right about then that the proverbial shit hit the fan…

Seems Mr. Gaylor recently met this woman on Craigslist and invited her to his home. Unfortunately, the douche’s live-in girlfriend unexpectedly appeared, wrecking his planned rendezvous. When the “other woman” arrived and knocked on the door, Gaylor panicked and called the police in order to convince his girlfriend that the strange woman knocking on their door was a burglar and not his booty call.

I have to assume this man is extremely good looking, somewhat rich, or very well-hung…I’d hate to think these ladies were attracted to him for his intelligence.…

Man Arrested For Public Indecency With A Dog

October 27, 2011 at 4:24 am by  

Toledo, OH — A 50-year-old man was taken into custody at Wildwood Preserve Metropark Wednesday morning after witnesses reported seeing him fondling himself as he played with a dog. A good game of fetch usually gets me heated, too. oO

The incident was initially reported to police Tuesday morning. Metropark volunteers figured something freaky was going on and promptly informed police, providing a somewhat accurate description of the multi-tasking gentleman.

“They immediately recognized this isn’t right, reported it to the rangers with a great description with very short shorts, a tee shirt and that’s it,” said Scott Carpenter, spokesperson for the Metroparks of the Toledo Area.

Rangers set out the next morning to search for ‘similar activities’ in the park. And the man with the very short shorts did not disappoint. Shortly after 9 a.m., a man later identified as Michael Hilsenbeck was found lying on the ground with a dog on top of him. Yes, he was fondling himself. Well, through his pants, anyway.

“This occurred right out in the open next to a park bench,” Carpenter said.…

Albany, GA — Police are searching for an unsatisfied customer accused of hurling a badly crafted Molotov cocktail at the drive-thru window of a Taco Bell restaurant shortly after phoning in a complaint that there was not enough meat in his XXL Chalupa.

According to the police report, the disgruntled man purchased two of the XXL’s earlier that evening. Upon returning home, he apparently realized he had been gypped and quickly dialed the restaurant to bitch.

Restaurant manager Cynthia Thomspon took the call, later telling police the man demanded that she correct his order. When told that the eatery was closing for the evening and his demands could not be met, the man reportedly replied, “You must be one of them n*ggers up there.” He added, “That’s alright, I’ll just come and redecorate the place.” 

A short time later, there was a hint of gasoline in the air. Though Thompson and other employees could smell it, they didn’t know where it was coming from. It didn’t take them long (I hope) to find the source of the smell – it was coming from the fire right outside the drive-thru window.…

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