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Lubbock, TX — A man claiming to have the devil living inside of him was arrested this week after police say he attacked an officer of the law with a serrated spatula. And I gotta call bs right off the bat, everyone knows the devil prefers chopsticks.

Officer Bryan Schwartner responded to The Center at Overton Park Tuesday afternoon after receiving a report of a man acting strangely and threatening random people. Schwartner and his partner spotted 20-year-old Kabir Isola on a balcony at the complex and attempted to speak with him.

According to police, when the officers made contact with Isola, the man unexpectedly attacked. After hitting Schwartner with a large, serrated BBQ spatula, Isola reportedly tried to gouge the man’s eyes out. Police say he then began choking Schwartner, rendering him unconscious, and attempted to toss him off the 4th floor balcony. Another officer was able to detain Isola, who claimed the devil was inside him.

Schwartner was transported to the hospital with multiple contusions and lacerations and was later released. After receiving treatment for injuries incurred in the struggle, Isola was transported to jail and booked on charges of attempted capital murder.

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  • I’ve dated a few chicks who’ve claimed to have the devil inside them.  I usually just finish up, withdraw my penis, and everything’s okay again.

  • Damn the devil is in alot of people…..I charge him rent.

  • Jemimabean

    Damn that bloody devil, what with his horns and pitchforks and- wait, not pitchforks, SPATULAS- and his getting into people left, right and centre, and causing mass mayhem what with his threatening tone, menacing looks and sinister growling. Oh and spatula attacks. Sorry, everyone, we were wrong all along, Satan himself is actually far removed from the perpetrators of mass genocide, Pol Pot and Hitler ain’t got nothing on the Devil and his acolytes, obviously.

    “Hide the barbecue sauce, honey, the Satanists are coming to dinner again.”

  • Anonymous

    Someone please educate me, what do you use a serrated spatula for? I am not up on my bar-b-que arts.

  • Well, so what, we all have a little demon inside of us at times…… RIGHT? I totally believe the guy! Bless his wittle heart!

  • guillotinegirl

    Thanks to this story I can’t stop thinking about ribs.

  • Jemimabean

    To make cop- suey, duh!

    (couldn’t resist!)

  • Anonymous

    So you can say you have possible “danced” 😉 with the devil and lived to tell the tell!

  • Anonymous

    I’m sure the devil has an alibi.  He was in Vo Duc Au making him to stab a kid with chop sticks at the time.

  • Anonymous

    Jaded, are you testing us!? Everyone knows sporks are the preferred utensil of the Dark One.

  • Murder by spatula ( LOL).

  • Thought I might expand a bit..

  • Apparently the latest use is – kicking a cops ass.

  • Anonymous

    This wasn’t the only interesting story out of Lubbock,Tx this past week… there are a lot of crazy people there.  I know b/c i’m from Lubbock.

  • Anonymous

    This wasn’t the only interesting story out of Lubbock,Tx this past week… there are a lot of crazy people there.  I know b/c i’m from Lubbock.

  • I think the drought and fires are making Texans nuttier than usual.
    There was extreme flooding in my state this spring/summer and it for sure made people bonkers.

  • Anonymous

    Maybe he was trying to throw some porkchops on the bar-b-que not throw em over the balcony

  • Anonymous

    Poor devil can’t catch a break everyone is always accusing him of stuff.

  • Anonymous

    Man, this chick should come with a warning label. 

  • Anonymous

    Man, this chick should come with a warning label. 

  • Anonymous

    I want my baby back, baby back, baby back.

    Chilis’ Baby Back Ribs.

  • Anonymous

    I take my bbq-ing seriously people. Leave me the fuck alone when I’m grilling, smoking or making an art & memories out of meat.

    AND I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE, DAMN IT!

  • Anonymous

    The dude was able to choke the officer long enough to make him pass out? Where was his fatass partner during that, at least, 30-40 seconds? After I got out of the hospital, I’d kick his ass

  • Anonymous

    ..

  • Anonymous

    oh it’s the old spatula eye gouging technique. yeah uhuh.

  • LeaveMeBe

    I laughed myself silly when I read this. Thanks!