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Chilliwack – As you can imagine, we get a lot of spam. So when I saw someone had used our Contact Form with the subject “jacking off to me” I figured someone had gotten through our spam filter. Since I am a sucker for a “jacking off to me” subject line, I checked it out.

Surprisingly, it was actually from one of our Canadian fans. They told a quick story about waking up to find a man standing in her room jacking off while staring at her. When she inquired as to why he was masturbating while watching her sleep, he replied that he wanted to “cum on her face” before leaving out the back door.

At first I thought this person was just coming on to me with some sleepy-time facial erotica, but a day or so later she responded back with an actual news article of the incident. Since we love our fans, and Canadians, we felt it was our duty to post about them almost having a stranger cum on her face while she slept. It’s as creepy as it is mildly arousing.

Police in Chilliwack — a town with a name almost as kickass as Knockemstiff, Ohio or Goblintown, Virginia — need some help locating a man they say broke into a home and began masturbating next to a woman sleeping on a couch. The man fled the scene when the woman woke up and asked him what the hell he was doing.

He’s described as white, about 30 years old, with a possible goatee and wearing tan shorts. Anyone with information is asked to call police at 604-792-4611 or Crime Stoppers at 1-800-222-8477 (TIPS).

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Comments


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  • Anonymous

    No neither @ParrotToes nor I live close to any town called Chiliwhack or however it’s spelled so we can’t help with the search.

    To top it all off, he’s not a relative of mine since mine are brown & my hubby’s live in town.

    BTW if he has HIV could he be charged with Discharge of a deadly weapon or assault? Since ejaculating on her face mean she’d have contact with seminal fluid?

  • http://justiceforcaylee.synthasite.com/ shyloh

    I have a feeling the guy changed his shorts, Now he’ll never be caught.

  • http://twitter.com/AngelsMom0806 Angels Mom

    Was he hot?

    Stop looking at me like that!

  • http://www.dreamindemon.com Morbid

    He didn’t ejaculate on her face.

  • Anonymous

    With a knick-knack, Chilliwack, gotta grab the phone, there’s a man yanking on his bone.

  • Anonymous

    Looking at you like what, geez you always sound so guilty, Oh and I’m Canadian.

  • Anonymous

    Ha! Yes only hot strangers can cum on my face. I hate when ugly people break into my home, it’s such a turn off.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=736546181 Michael Heldman

    If the genders were reversed it wouldn’t make the news, it would be a penthouse letter.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=736546181 Michael Heldman

    If the genders were reversed it wouldn’t make the news, it would be a penthouse letter.

  • Anonymous

    Now there’s a good one! Has there EVER been an incidence of a man waking up to a woman getting her personal grove on while watching him slumber?

  • Anonymous

    ok umm your description was a little off..didn’t  he  have something in his hand???? hmmm

  • Anonymous

    i think a guy would just love that too much,

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=736546181 Michael Heldman

    Yes, yes I would.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=736546181 Michael Heldman

    Yes, yes I would.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=736546181 Michael Heldman

    Hard to tell, if it really happened and they tried to tell anyone, everyone would call bullshit on it.  You would need some hardcore proof (pun intended)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=736546181 Michael Heldman

    Hard to tell, if it really happened and they tried to tell anyone, everyone would call bullshit on it.  You would need some hardcore proof (pun intended)

  • http://twitter.com/Q_Jordon Quintin Jordon

    I am not saying Canadian women are stupid or slow, however, if she had to ask him what he was doing – as his cock was in his hand and and he was stroking it – HMMM…

    I am all for dating Canadian women. One could jizz and go before they knew what hit them. . .

    I should know I escaped. . . HAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  • LeaveMeBe

    LMFAO! Don’t feel bad, this was my first thought too. Y’all stop looking at us like that!!!

  • Hekate

    roflmao

  • BooBooKittyFuck

    I only break into homes of elderly men and bakers to insert things in their rectum…one of these days I’ll have to try the rubbing one out while they’re asleep thing…and learn water sports….

  • Anonymous

     Someone call Interpol and see if the Unwanted Public Facials guy left Japan.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=736546181 Michael Heldman

    Can I ask why you are targeting bakers?  

  • LeaveMeBe

    So that is number one and number two on your Bucket List. Go ahead, share the rest with us. :)

  • BooBooKittyFuck

    They targeted me first…They drew first blood, not me…

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=736546181 Michael Heldman

    Wow, one too many cupcake/pudding puns?

  • Anonymous

    Did you know this woman machac? :p

  • Anonymous

    Oh I thought it was because you liked their buns, and watching their dough rise.:)

  • Anonymous

    Oh I thought it was because you liked their buns, and watching their dough rise.:)

  • Anonymous

    Oh I thought it was because you liked their buns, and watching their dough rise.:)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=736546181 Michael Heldman

    Only for that one night.

  • Anonymous

    Yes well my lawyer has advised me not to discuss this any further. 

  • LeaveMeBe

    *shaking finger at you* Bad wolfie! Bad wolfie!

  • BooBooKittyFuck

    It’s more fun to watch them blow their cream filling….

  • Anonymous

    lol good advice

  • Anonymous

    Lena I don’t know how I let you get me into this, because now I know it’s just a matter of time before the she-devil finds this and cuts me up like yesterdays newspaper. Le sigh.

  • Anonymous

    Lena I don’t know how I let you get me into this, because now I know it’s just a matter of time before the she-devil finds this and cuts me up like yesterdays newspaper. Le sigh.

  • Anonymous

    Sorry, I know your fingers must be getting pretty sore from all that pan flute playing.

  • Anonymous

    * gets chair ready for story time*

  • Anonymous

    Thanks for verifying and ruining a fantasy.

  • Anonymous

    This sometimes happens to me, too… but I usually know the guy.

  • http://twitter.com/AngelsMom0806 Angels Mom

    Not so much guilty…but intrigued. ;-p

  • Anonymous

    Did Russ Williams escape from prison?

  • Anonymous

    Bad girl, I like it , but bad girl.

  • Anonymous

    Ya know…I am NEVER one of the lucky ones!!!!!!! Damn.

  • http://twitter.com/AngelsMom0806 Angels Mom

    Yes…yes I am. ;-)

  • LeaveMeBe

    I have to tell you, I found this little ditty so damn funny that it kept running through my mind all day yesterday and has now started again this morning. Please make it stop now!

  • http://www.dreamindemon.com Count Rackula

    Technically, she targets only one baker, and specifically, he is a “fucking” baker. And no, I’m not fucking with you this time. I’m dead serious.

  • Anonymous

    It’s been running around in my head like a bad commercial jingle too.   

  • http://www.facebook.com/fabulouso1ne Danielle Lacelle

    I know the girl this happened too lol she actually messaged me on FB this morning and told me to come and read the story lol. Shes actually excited her story is on here because she LOVES this site.

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