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Collinsville, IL – No crime here, Demonites, but I’m a sucker for a mystery and our very own John House was kind enough to send this interesting little nugget my way.

An unidentified special education teacher at Webster Elementary School was suspended earlier this week after allegations surfaced that he ordered the third and fourth graders in his class to remove their underwear in the hopes of solving a mystery of the “fecal” variety.

From what I understand, one of the man’s seven students either took a dump or left skid marks on the floor of the classroom late last month. In order to identify the alleged dookie dropper, the teacher had each student remove their underwear in a private bathroom stall while he waited outside. The children were then directed to redress themselves and exit the stall…skivvies in hand. Teach then inspected each and every pair. What, exactly, he was looking for is unclear, but dingleberries come to mind.

The teacher apparently said that he was trying to find out who had shat their pants so the guilty party could be sent to the school nurse.

A letter sent home to the parents of the children in that particular class calls the teacher’s actions “inappropriate,” but states that at no time were the students exposed to the teacher or to his/her classmates.

One pissed off parent had this to say about the bizarre incident: “I’m livid, absolutely freaking livid. For a teacher to make a kid go to that extent to find out if they have poops in their pants or whatever is crazy and it would completely embarrass the child. And these are kids that are special ed kids.”

Collinsville Superintendent Dennis Craft issued a statement saying, “We have investigated the issue thoroughly. The teacher will not be back in the classroom.”

Nope, he won’t be back in the classroom – the school board has decided not to renew his contract. But, he will be paid for the rest of the school year, and he may still be wandering around the building doing odd jobs until the school year is officially over.

What say you, Demonites? Would ya freak?

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  • Parrot Toes

    I think this guy is the PERFECT candidate for random poop-filled and set aflame paper bags on his doorstep. Perhaps he could be sentenced to community service as an outhouse cleaner (don’t know what they are called…..perhaps a poopologist?).

  • hookerpie

    The avatar for this story is awesome. Poor kids. Maybe they were trying to tell him hes doing a shitty job!

  • http://www.dreamindemon.com Morbid

    I’m more curious if he found the asshole responsible.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/John-House/1011555524 John House

    Ha, I knew you couldn’t resist. ;)

    I’d like to see this made into an episode of Scooby Doo. “Scooby Doo and the Mystery Doodie”.

    “Nope, he won’t be back in the classroom – the school board has decided not to renew his contract. But, he will be paid for the rest of the school year, and he may still be wandering around the building doing odd jobs until the school year is officially over.”

    I can see him hunched over, pushing a mop over the floor in an empty school corridor, his “AND I WOULD’VE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT IF IT WEREN’T FOR THOSE MEDDLIN’ KIDS!” echoing off the walls.

  • Anonymous

    WTF? What the hell made him decide he could determine the floor shitter by looking at the kids’ underwear? He needs to be off school grounds and go through therapy.

  • UniqueMommy1984

    I sure as hell wouldn’t be too happy about it, if it was my son’s teacher. I mean I understand why he did it but he could have tried something differently.

  • Parrot Toes

    Perhaps he could have just lined them all up against one wall, facing it, as he made his way down the line, bending near their behinds and taking a big whiff. He wouldn’t have needed to soil his fingers either. I suppose though, that would have been going too far? Pfft, like what he did wasn’t……..o.O

  • Anonymous

    These kids are special needs kids with Behavioral disorders – not you average handicapped or slow learning students. The papers and the parents out here have really made a big deal about it. Still no reports as to whether or not the dastardly dootie dropping demon was caught though . . .

  • Anonymous

    So you think he should have Starkenburged all of them?

  • Anonymous

    So you think he should have Starkenburged all of them?

  • Parrot Toes

    You know, I have seen you mention that a few times but didn’t bother to look into it. So I googled it. I got a town in Germany. Then there was a link to another comment you made here on DD that had the link to the Starkenburg story. Awesome. Just awesome.

    And yes, I suppose that’s what he could have done. :D

  • Parrot Toes

    You know, I have seen you mention that a few times but didn’t bother to look into it. So I googled it. I got a town in Germany. Then there was a link to another comment you made here on DD that had the link to the Starkenburg story. Awesome. Just awesome.

    And yes, I suppose that’s what he could have done. :D

  • Parrot Toes

    You know, I have seen you mention that a few times but didn’t bother to look into it. So I googled it. I got a town in Germany. Then there was a link to another comment you made here on DD that had the link to the Starkenburg story. Awesome. Just awesome.

    And yes, I suppose that’s what he could have done. :D

  • Parrot Toes

    You know, I have seen you mention that a few times but didn’t bother to look into it. So I googled it. I got a town in Germany. Then there was a link to another comment you made here on DD that had the link to the Starkenburg story. Awesome. Just awesome.

    And yes, I suppose that’s what he could have done. :D

  • Parrot Toes

    You know, I have seen you mention that a few times but didn’t bother to look into it. So I googled it. I got a town in Germany. Then there was a link to another comment you made here on DD that had the link to the Starkenburg story. Awesome. Just awesome.

    And yes, I suppose that’s what he could have done. :D

  • Parrot Toes

    You know, I have seen you mention that a few times but didn’t bother to look into it. So I googled it. I got a town in Germany. Then there was a link to another comment you made here on DD that had the link to the Starkenburg story. Awesome. Just awesome.

    And yes, I suppose that’s what he could have done. :D

  • LeaveMeBe

    Is his olfaction broken? When I kept a gaggle of kids you could always tell who the little stinker was without having to disrobe all of them. What a freak.

  • LeaveMeBe

    Is his olfaction broken? When I kept a gaggle of kids you could always tell who the little stinker was without having to disrobe all of them. What a freak.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5WYTW5UWWTGEKN4L2HBZ7I4E5E Zazen

    Ah, my sympathies are with the teacher.

    Before they knew what to do with me and my learning disability back in the day, that was the kind of class I had to put up with in grade school. Happily, I was too advanced for their ‘standard window-licker curriculum’ and was put in a corner doing independent study apart from the rest of the class.

    So I think this was blown well out of proportion, if that class was anything like mine. Because while I was back in the corner reading encyclopedias, the rest of the class was exploring the fascinating subjects of Public Masturbation, Animal Noises, Spackling With Spittle, and of course for the really special kids, Advanced Poo-Flinging. So the outraged parents and school administration can jump off a cliff or EVEN BETTER, spend a friggin’ week teaching that class.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5WYTW5UWWTGEKN4L2HBZ7I4E5E Zazen

    Ah, my sympathies are with the teacher.

    Before they knew what to do with me and my learning disability back in the day, that was the kind of class I had to put up with in grade school. Happily, I was too advanced for their ‘standard window-licker curriculum’ and was put in a corner doing independent study apart from the rest of the class.

    So I think this was blown well out of proportion, if that class was anything like mine. Because while I was back in the corner reading encyclopedias, the rest of the class was exploring the fascinating subjects of Public Masturbation, Animal Noises, Spackling With Spittle, and of course for the really special kids, Advanced Poo-Flinging. So the outraged parents and school administration can jump off a cliff or EVEN BETTER, spend a friggin’ week teaching that class.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5WYTW5UWWTGEKN4L2HBZ7I4E5E Zazen

    Ah, my sympathies are with the teacher.

    Before they knew what to do with me and my learning disability back in the day, that was the kind of class I had to put up with in grade school. Happily, I was too advanced for their ‘standard window-licker curriculum’ and was put in a corner doing independent study apart from the rest of the class.

    So I think this was blown well out of proportion, if that class was anything like mine. Because while I was back in the corner reading encyclopedias, the rest of the class was exploring the fascinating subjects of Public Masturbation, Animal Noises, Spackling With Spittle, and of course for the really special kids, Advanced Poo-Flinging. So the outraged parents and school administration can jump off a cliff or EVEN BETTER, spend a friggin’ week teaching that class.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5WYTW5UWWTGEKN4L2HBZ7I4E5E Zazen

    Ah, my sympathies are with the teacher.

    Before they knew what to do with me and my learning disability back in the day, that was the kind of class I had to put up with in grade school. Happily, I was too advanced for their ‘standard window-licker curriculum’ and was put in a corner doing independent study apart from the rest of the class.

    So I think this was blown well out of proportion, if that class was anything like mine. Because while I was back in the corner reading encyclopedias, the rest of the class was exploring the fascinating subjects of Public Masturbation, Animal Noises, Spackling With Spittle, and of course for the really special kids, Advanced Poo-Flinging. So the outraged parents and school administration can jump off a cliff or EVEN BETTER, spend a friggin’ week teaching that class.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5WYTW5UWWTGEKN4L2HBZ7I4E5E Zazen

    Ah, my sympathies are with the teacher.

    Before they knew what to do with me and my learning disability back in the day, that was the kind of class I had to put up with in grade school. Happily, I was too advanced for their ‘standard window-licker curriculum’ and was put in a corner doing independent study apart from the rest of the class.

    So I think this was blown well out of proportion, if that class was anything like mine. Because while I was back in the corner reading encyclopedias, the rest of the class was exploring the fascinating subjects of Public Masturbation, Animal Noises, Spackling With Spittle, and of course for the really special kids, Advanced Poo-Flinging. So the outraged parents and school administration can jump off a cliff or EVEN BETTER, spend a friggin’ week teaching that class.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5WYTW5UWWTGEKN4L2HBZ7I4E5E Zazen

    Ah, my sympathies are with the teacher.

    Before they knew what to do with me and my learning disability back in the day, that was the kind of class I had to put up with in grade school. Happily, I was too advanced for their ‘standard window-licker curriculum’ and was put in a corner doing independent study apart from the rest of the class.

    So I think this was blown well out of proportion, if that class was anything like mine. Because while I was back in the corner reading encyclopedias, the rest of the class was exploring the fascinating subjects of Public Masturbation, Animal Noises, Spackling With Spittle, and of course for the really special kids, Advanced Poo-Flinging. So the outraged parents and school administration can jump off a cliff or EVEN BETTER, spend a friggin’ week teaching that class.

  • Alicia

    For some reason the actions of this teacher kinda bother me. I think it’s just the thought of him inspecting children’s underwear…doesn’t sit well with me. Special Ed or not, those kids had to have been embarrassed by this. Maybe he could’ve spoken with each student individually and privately, telling them that if they were the one who did it that they weren’t in any trouble, he just needed to know so they (the school) could have the school nurse make sure they (the student) were okay.

  • Alicia

    For some reason the actions of this teacher kinda bother me. I think it’s just the thought of him inspecting children’s underwear…doesn’t sit well with me. Special Ed or not, those kids had to have been embarrassed by this. Maybe he could’ve spoken with each student individually and privately, telling them that if they were the one who did it that they weren’t in any trouble, he just needed to know so they (the school) could have the school nurse make sure they (the student) were okay.

  • Alicia

    For some reason the actions of this teacher kinda bother me. I think it’s just the thought of him inspecting children’s underwear…doesn’t sit well with me. Special Ed or not, those kids had to have been embarrassed by this. Maybe he could’ve spoken with each student individually and privately, telling them that if they were the one who did it that they weren’t in any trouble, he just needed to know so they (the school) could have the school nurse make sure they (the student) were okay.

  • Anonymous

    Talking to the kids privately may or may not have revealed the true offender. The little shit was just as likely to tell the truth as he/she was to tell a lie. I’d have to say, though, if it were my child, I would be furious. That’s what the school nurse is for. We don’t need teachers doing panty checks. Now, on to two similar subjects just as thought-provoking for this Friday night:

    1st Story: My 8 year old daughter came home the other day and said there was a piece of poop under one of her classmate’s seat. She said the whole classroom smelled and everyone knew who did it because apparently, this kid always stinks. I asked her if it was from stepping in dog crap maybe and she said nope, it was s-shaped. The janitor cleaned it up. My question: How the hell does an 8 year old have time to pop a squat in class and 2. No one notice what he’s doing and 3. NO ONE NOTICE WHAT HE’S DOING????

    2nd Story: Back in the day, I started a job working for a nationwide corporation. My first day was filled with horror stories about former employees. One guy had apparently shat from one end of the warehouse to the other, on the floor of the bathroom etc. I guess he couldn’t make it. Anyhow, he, in his infinite wisdom, decided to half-ass clean up the mess with stock in the warehouse. He took tees and *swipe*swipe* and left for the day. When the horror of a mess was discovered, no one knew who the culprit was. So, the owner of the company sat the entire company down and told everyone that he was going to take DNA swabs from each and every one of them to find out who made the mess….The culprit eventually confessed.

    And lastly, just for shits and giggles (God, I’m on a roll tonight!), I’ll tell you the story about the time (at the same company) the owner of the company’s friend took his uber-expensive sunglasses and left a ransom note on the owner’s car as a practical joke The owner was so worked up about said ransom note, he called me and asked me if I had seen anyone near his car when I went to lunch. Human Resources and the owner of the company got a brilliant idea and went through every single job application and compared handwriting to the ransom note until they found one that matched the ransom note perfectly. They called the employee into a meeting and confronted him about “taking” the sunglasses. He had no idea what was going on and they grilled the poor guy like they were the CIA. Finally, the “friend” got wind of what was going on and called and confessed that it was all a big joke and it wasn’t an employee that stole the sunglasses. To wit: When layoffs came around a few months later, the guy who was innocently accused of stealing the sunglasses was let go. I think it was because the owner couldn’t look him in the eyes knowing what he did to him.

  • Anonymous

    Talking to the kids privately may or may not have revealed the true offender. The little shit was just as likely to tell the truth as he/she was to tell a lie. I’d have to say, though, if it were my child, I would be furious. That’s what the school nurse is for. We don’t need teachers doing panty checks. Now, on to two similar subjects just as thought-provoking for this Friday night:

    1st Story: My 8 year old daughter came home the other day and said there was a piece of poop under one of her classmate’s seat. She said the whole classroom smelled and everyone knew who did it because apparently, this kid always stinks. I asked her if it was from stepping in dog crap maybe and she said nope, it was s-shaped. The janitor cleaned it up. My question: How the hell does an 8 year old have time to pop a squat in class and 2. No one notice what he’s doing and 3. NO ONE NOTICE WHAT HE’S DOING????

    2nd Story: Back in the day, I started a job working for a nationwide corporation. My first day was filled with horror stories about former employees. One guy had apparently shat from one end of the warehouse to the other, on the floor of the bathroom etc. I guess he couldn’t make it. Anyhow, he, in his infinite wisdom, decided to half-ass clean up the mess with stock in the warehouse. He took tees and *swipe*swipe* and left for the day. When the horror of a mess was discovered, no one knew who the culprit was. So, the owner of the company sat the entire company down and told everyone that he was going to take DNA swabs from each and every one of them to find out who made the mess….The culprit eventually confessed.

    And lastly, just for shits and giggles (God, I’m on a roll tonight!), I’ll tell you the story about the time (at the same company) the owner of the company’s friend took his uber-expensive sunglasses and left a ransom note on the owner’s car as a practical joke The owner was so worked up about said ransom note, he called me and asked me if I had seen anyone near his car when I went to lunch. Human Resources and the owner of the company got a brilliant idea and went through every single job application and compared handwriting to the ransom note until they found one that matched the ransom note perfectly. They called the employee into a meeting and confronted him about “taking” the sunglasses. He had no idea what was going on and they grilled the poor guy like they were the CIA. Finally, the “friend” got wind of what was going on and called and confessed that it was all a big joke and it wasn’t an employee that stole the sunglasses. To wit: When layoffs came around a few months later, the guy who was innocently accused of stealing the sunglasses was let go. I think it was because the owner couldn’t look him in the eyes knowing what he did to him.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/John-House/1011555524 John House

    Ha ha…”the little shit”.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/John-House/1011555524 John House

    Ha ha…”the little shit”.

  • Parrot Toes

    I love you Zazen, you are amazing!

  • Anonymous

    Hey you changed your avatar? That’s not a senegal is it? What kind is it?!!!

  • Anonymous

    Hey you changed your avatar? That’s not a senegal is it? What kind is it?!!!

  • wyrosjr

    +1, I’m with the teacher also. Although the teacher should have gotten administration and the school nurse involved.

    I’m sorry, but if your kid is in one of these special ed classes, chances are they also have have “special needs”. One of those needs might be to check if kid has shit their pants. I mean, would you prefer they walk around in it?

  • Parrot Toes

    That is a hawkheaded parrot. One of my favourite types of parrot. The one in the avatar isn’t mine but I do have one. I adore her. You seriously should google them. If you come across a picture of one riding a toy motorcycle, that’s mine.

  • Parrot Toes

    That is a hawkheaded parrot. One of my favourite types of parrot. The one in the avatar isn’t mine but I do have one. I adore her. You seriously should google them. If you come across a picture of one riding a toy motorcycle, that’s mine.

  • Parrot Toes

    Here, this is my baby.

    Here is some info on Hawkheads.

  • Parrot Toes

    This is my baby:

    [IMG]http://i56.tinypic.com/2ur5gfa.jpg[/IMG]

    Go here for information on hawkheads:

    http://www.oldworldaviaries.com/text/lewis/hawk_heads.html

  • Parrot Toes

    This is my baby:

    [IMG]http://i56.tinypic.com/2ur5gfa.jpg[/IMG]

    Go here for information on hawkheads:

    http://www.oldworldaviaries.com/text/lewis/hawk_heads.html

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5WYTW5UWWTGEKN4L2HBZ7I4E5E Zazen

    Haha, thanks. Normally, I do try to gloss over my former classmates’ predilection for public masturbation and other socially unacceptable behaviors, but for you guys, I’ll totally divulge any sordid details regarding the grade school drool cup and helmet set.

    And nice new avatar PT. Hawkheads are gorgeous.

  • Parrot Toes

    Hawkheads are amazing and very misunderstood for their reputation.

  • Anonymous

    She’s just adorable, PT!

    I’d love to have a parrot or parrotlet, but I’m the crazy cat lady.

  • Anonymous

    She’s just adorable, PT!

    I’d love to have a parrot or parrotlet, but I’m the crazy cat lady.

  • Anonymous

    exactly what I was thinking John, especialy since the shit stain happened a month ago. Sounds like he has too much time on his hands.

  • Count Rackula

    For some reason this story reminds me of the episode of “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” when they’re trying to figure out who pooped the bed. Hilarity, I tell ya.

    “Can we move on to the DNA test, please?”

    “That’s a good idea.”

    “DNA’s good.”

    “Yeah, I can’t do that.”

    “What do you mean? Aren’t you a scientist?”

    “Yeah, do it.”

    “No, I’m an Econ major. I just wanted to look at some poop.”

  • Anonymous

    I had a health class where a bunch of “diddlers” sat in the back of the room and spackled with spooge…I thought I was the only one in the world who witnessed this off behavior. This was not even special ed- I could only imagine what was going on in there (well I don’t actually think there was a special ed health class anyway- there SHOULD have been one…topics to include may have been “Washing your hands after touching your penis/anus”, “How to avoid ejaculating on your classmates,” “when and where to masturbate”).

  • Anonymous

    I do work with a gaggle of children as you say, and I can NEVER smell the little bugger thats crapped his or herself (they are profoundly disabled and ALL in diapers). Not sure why, but some of us are blessed with poor olifaction.

  • Anonymous

    I do work with a gaggle of children as you say, and I can NEVER smell the little bugger thats crapped his or herself (they are profoundly disabled and ALL in diapers). Not sure why, but some of us are blessed with poor olifaction.

  • Anonymous

    How about sending a letter home to all the parents about the craptastic chenanigans going on?

  • Anonymous

    How about sending a letter home to all the parents about the craptastic chenanigans going on?

  • Anonymous

    How about sending a letter home to all the parents about the craptastic chenanigans going on?

  • Anonymous

    what is Starkenburged? Blubberdong, sick name.

  • Anonymous

    what is Starkenburged? Blubberdong, sick name.

  • Anonymous

    what is Starkenburged? Blubberdong, sick name.

  • Anonymous

    what is Starkenburged? Blubberdong, sick name.

  • Anonymous

    what is Starkenburged? Blubberdong, sick name.

  • Anonymous

    I am having a really crappy day- no pun intended. I need more funny comments from the DD folks to make me laugh. Sick as it may be- this is highly therepeutic for me.

  • Anonymous

    I am having a really crappy day- no pun intended. I need more funny comments from the DD folks to make me laugh. Sick as it may be- this is highly therepeutic for me.

  • Anonymous

    I am having a really crappy day- no pun intended. I need more funny comments from the DD folks to make me laugh. Sick as it may be- this is highly therepeutic for me.

  • Anonymous

    I am having a really crappy day- no pun intended. I need more funny comments from the DD folks to make me laugh. Sick as it may be- this is highly therepeutic for me.

  • Parrot Toes

    It is in reference to a guy who was featured on this site:

    http://www.dreamindemon.com/2011/01/29/his-nose-went-up-in-my-butt-i-was-very-shocked/

  • Parrot Toes

    It is in reference to a guy who was featured on this site:

    http://www.dreamindemon.com/2011/01/29/his-nose-went-up-in-my-butt-i-was-very-shocked/